My 92 yr old mother is constantly distressed over medicine (the pharmacies do kinda lame things) and $, and I am the only child. I can't take this much anymore.
When Daddy died in 2006, I finally got Mommy in an independent senior living home (which is just lovely, with wonderful staff and residents - not that she has ever tried to socialize - residents know me much more than her - I still don't understand how people can just drop their parents off never come to see them) about two blocks down the street from me. I quit my job for a few months after Daddy died to take care of Mommy & get her settled. I did more than good. Got another job for several years and then had to quit in order to give Mommy pretty much 24/7 attention. I then fell into a deep depression & went to a phsyciatrist for meds & such. Haven't worked in two years. Money is running out and so is Mommy, in my opinion. I've got to get another job & it's just not looking good. Mommy has made me promise since I was about 6 yrs old that I would never put her in a nursing home. She has fallen a couple of times and had to go to rehab. She can't bear to have someone else share her room & one time they moved her to the pyschiatric ward so that she could have private room. That was the time that a woman came into her room, raising her cane, told Mom she was evil & tried to wack her. It's hard to get her to even consider going to a nursing home - especially because of that - but she is getting weaker & weaker. Her muscles in her legs just won't support her anymore & she gets dizzy all the time. The geriatric doctors at Emory aren't much help. They just keep giving her drugs (or taking them away) and she says they make her feel worse. I guess there's nothing that they can really do anymore. I've got to get a job & get a sense of feeling productive in life again. Thank God for my friends. I'm sorry I'm rambling, but I just had another episode today (her calling me up & crying while I was working for a friend to get some kind of $) & then tonight she called complaining about her medicine ( the NEW pharmacy kinda made a mistake) & I JUST WANT TO DIE!!! (except then Mommy & my cat would have no one) She's confused & scared & thinks her doctors are quacks. But sometimes I just have to say "Mommy you are 92 yrs old! That's what's wrong!
I'm at a loss. Any words of wisdom, my fellow brothers and sister?
I also know what you mean about losing your life....I am in the same exact spot! I began having panic and anxiety attacks due to being cooped up all the time! I am trying to break free......I feel for you!
I was at a caregivers workshop last Saturday and this type of problem was covered several times. A promise made in these cases depends on the situation staying manageable. You situation is not manageable as you promised not now. So you have to do what is manageable, get medical advice and follow that, if it calls for a Nursing Home, that is what she gets. I also suggest that you find a Counselor for you to help you over the bumps and to get your thinking on whats best for everyone not what you mother thinks she wants. As stated by several others roles are reversed now, You are the one in charge. By all means do not take your mothers demands personal. She is not well and sickness is not rational. As a Elder Care Attorney, I give this same suggestion to many children of my clients.
I was amazed, since my most recent experience with nursing homes had been with my aunt who was in a traditional nursing home until her death in 2000. When I went to look for a place for my parents, after my mother was diagnosed with dementia, I found out how extraordinary new facilities are with multiple restaurants, gyms, pools, dog parks, and nice apartments for the residents. The residents all have keys to their rooms, so only the staff can come in the room unless the resident leaves their door unlocked. This is true of all levels of care. This is drastically different from anything I had ever seen before!
I think that you will feel better when you get out and look at these facilities for your mom. Then you will realize that she can have a wonderful life no matter what amount of care she needs. When you move her, instead of allowing her to hang out in her room, when you visit, act as her concierge and take her to events at the new residence and introduce her to other people who live there. Then leave immediately after the event is over so that your mother can socialize with her peers.
You promised not to put your mother in a traditional nursing home, so don't. Put her in a multi-level care facility. Here is an example of one such company: Sunrise Senior Living - which is nationwide in the US and in Canada and the UK.
I too promised my dad that I would never put him in a nursing home and I meant it. However, I had no idea how bad things could get or how overwhelmed I would become caring for him. My two hands were simply not enough, he needed more care that I couldn't provide. I felt horrible about it but he had to go into a NH. It wasn't his first choice or mine but we do what we have to do and I didn't sweat too much over that promise to him. I had the best of intentions when I made it but I was naïve.
Your mom holding you to a promise you began making when you were 6 is very unfair to you. I'm sure as the years went on she coaxed that promise out of you again and again but you had no clue what you were promising. I'm sure your mom never meant for you to put her needs and well being ahead of your own. Our elderly parents have no idea what we go through which is one reason we all come to this site to be together.
If you make your mom the center of your world you will be left with nothing when she's gone. Get a job. Be with friends. Create a life for yourself now while you can.
Where you live do they have Board and Care homes (called "6 paks" in California). Private homes licensed for up to 6 who need some level of assistance or care but do not need a hospital. It can take quite a bit to find a good one where the residents are mentally alert, but it will be worth it. You can tell her that she is moving to a Guest Home, or whatever you want to call it.
Unless you change what you are doing, things will not get better for you. Again, provide clean, safe, secure for Mother. It will do her no good at all if you fall apart.
I feel for you as well as for your mom & being in the medical profession for over 40 years now, your mom may be right , her doctors may be quacks? God knows I know many.
I do realize that we all are reflections of each other in all we say & do.
You mom is a gift to you as you are to her.
Moment to moment most days I find, that is how I do it.
Look for the Light with in...It is there.
Blessings are....
We do not walk alone. We just forget & think we do. Then we remember, we are all in this together. God show you the strength that you already have & just have forgotten you have. YOU ARE DIVINE.
It is hard to advise someone what to do when it is family. It sounds like you have done everything right for her, but that you need to be better to yourself. I hope that you are able to get another job and stick with it. You'll feel guilty whatever you do, most likely. If there comes a time when your mother can't walk to use the bathroom or tend to herself, she will need a higher level of care. Try not to feel guilty if you are providing your mother with the care she needs. If she falls again, you may want to take the opportunity to discharge her into an assisted living or skilled nursing facility. They will be able to care for her while you work.
Wish there was some magic we had that could fix these things. Most of the time it is one day at a time.