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I feel guilty to visit my Mum daily in the nursing home. She had a massive cerebral bleed over 5 years ago and as the RN of the family I feel responsible to make sure she gets the best of care. She is pretty well taken care of but is easily upset. Consequently I feel upset seeing my mother crying. It is taking a toll on me and don’t know how to cope. Please can anyone offer me some advice.

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I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My mother had a huge hemorrhagic stroke that took away every physical ability but left her mentally intact. It was devastating. She lived four years in a NH completely dependent on others for everything. For some problems there simply aren’t any good answers. Our family visited often and made sure her care was good, but could do nothing to fix the intrinsic problems of the situation. Acceptance is a gift you need to give yourself. It will help you knowing you’ve done all you can and there aren’t any fixes available. If you haven’t already check on the possibility of medicine to help calm your mother’s crying and sadness. Ask others to take turns with the visits, be honest that you can’t do it all anymore. Consider if hiring someone to spend time with her is a good idea. And practice self care, both of your emotions and physical health. I wish you peace, I know it’s a long road
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JennyE Aug 2021
Thankyou so much for your kindness.
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As my RN daughter told me, you don't have to visit everyday. You know she is being taken good care of.
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If it is your visit that upsets her do not visit daily. Or if you still want to check and make sure she is OK go during a meal time and just observe her. Or if you know she will be in a particular area observe from a view point where she will not see you.
It's OK not to visit daily.
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I would not visit daily. That's just adding fuel to a fire.

If you are going everyday and come away feeling better or feel she's better, then I guess you'll need to adapt.

How 'with it' is she? If she has lost a sense of time and place, she doesn't even know you've been there. You're torturing yourself.

Being an RN makes it harder, I'd think, b/c you don't wear rose colored glasses around her. You KNOW what's going on and it's hard to accept.
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