How do I cope as an only child whose Mother (82) is not demented, but living in squalor and refusing any help from anyone?
My 82 yo mom lives alone in a big apartment building with high security--a good thing, except that the only way to get into her apartment is for her to tell the front desk to let you up. She is not demented, but is in massive denial about getting older and numerous health problems. She is definitely depressed. The last time I was there was a few months ago. She fell and finally agreed to let an ambulance take her to the hospital, where she was for several weeks. I cleaned her apt during that time and was appalled. She had been ordering takeout daily and not throwing anything out. Newspapers everywhere. Roaches. And the worst is that I discovered she has been dealing with fecal incontinence, the poor thing. So I had to throw out most of her sheets and towels.
Anyway, she returned to a clean apartment and allowed her cleaning lady to come for the first few weeks, but now she's back to canceling everything--cleaning lady, dates with me, doctors appts (she was supposed to see a GI specialist for the fecal problem). Anytime I try to reason with her, she gets furious with me. She insists she needs no care, no help, is perfectly fine and it's her business if she goes to the doctor or not. I know this is true, but it's killing me. I am so afraid of having to go back to that apt whenever the next crisis hits. I actually called APS anonymously and they showed up in her lobby but she would not let the person upstairs! I am terrified my mom will find out I called them (but APS will keep it anonymous/confidential, right??)
I honestly don't have any good suggestions, but if there were roaches once, and the lack of cleanliness is continuing, there may well be roaches again. And they don't necessarily confine themselves to one apartment.
I'd hate to recommend bringing building management in on the situation as they might decide eviction is appropriate, but they would have master keys to allow APS into the apartment.
And I don't disagree that it's a very serious concern but am wondering what the next step would be if the lack of cleanliness is repeated and the cycle starts all over again, especially if your mother dismissed the cleaning staff.
Your mother figure out it was you though; how would you handle that? You're within your rights and responsibilities to be concerned, but she might resent that. Still, you do have an obligation to report the condition, and you obviously have a great deal of concern about the situation in which she's living.
There's also the issue that the living conditions are going to affect her health, one way or another, sooner or later. So you're acting in her best interests, even though she may not believe that.
Angel
Is this something current with your Mom or has she always been haphazard when it comes to keeping a place clean? If this is something new, then it means either she's no longer has the energy to clean for herself or that her memory is slipping. Maybe this is the "crisis" that is needed to get your Mom into a more controlled environment, if she can afford Assisted Living.
Next time, don't clean up, take pictures and show them to the discharge coordinator, ask for help getting her to a safe place.
Angel
But also, if you can, get her to a neuropsychologist who works with a neurologist. Her reasoning skills need assessment. Talk to her doctor for a referral to a rehab center that specializes in this testing. Again, I don't know where you are, but Burke Institute in White Plains does good work in this area, and I suspect that Rusk at NYU does also.