I’m 54. My father is 94 and my mother is 92. I’m married and live nearby. Thankfully, they have in-home care, but I briefly swing by most afternoons for about an hour and a half or so, as I handle their grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, paying their bills, etc…
I have always had a very close relationship with both of them. My mother is difficult, but she loves me dearly, and I love both of them dearly…
I only have one older sister, but she moved out of state last year to follow her kids and grandkids, which made a very difficult situation even so much harder on me, and left me feeling abandoned, overwhelmed, and angry at her for leaving me “holding the bag”, so to speak. But I’ve come to accept her moving away, and we are on good terms now. I’m no longer angry at her, but it still hurts that she left me all alone to take care of two elderly parents, especially knowing the mental and emotional effects it is having on me. Just so she could follow her grandchildren to Florida (I live in Connecticut). She moved a year and a half ago, and has never been back to visit. I asked her, “are you ever going to see them in this life again?” and she gets annoyed and won’t give me a straight answer, which I think is absolutely horrid…
I try to carry on with my life as normal as possible, but I basically feel heartbroken, alone, and scared every day. I cry a lot because it’s so unbearable for me to witness two formerly strong, independent loving parents be reduced to this… a shell of who they were. Obviously they’re up there in age, and it’s the “cycle of life”, but the fear of their passing consumes my life. Every day, I fear getting that phone call. I can’t imagine my life without either of them, and especially my father, since I was always “Daddy’s Girl.” As a kid, I had actual nightmares about losing them, but they were only in their 50’s back then, so it was a long way off, and I could shove it in the back of my mind and forget about it. But now that they are both in their 90’s, their passing is staring me in the face, and it terrifies me…
I work part time in the mornings, and I find it helpful, mentally, to be around other people in that setting. But if I had even one supportive person in my life, it would help a lot. But my sister and my cousin, who I am close with, they both live out of state now, as do my two closest friends. Phone calls are good, but certainly not the same as having a close relative or friend living nearby. Making matters worse, I have a difficult marriage with a man who lacks empathy, so I can’t lean on him, either. I joined a women’s group at church, and they are very nice, but they all have kids, and I don’t, so I find it hard to connect with them because that’s all they seem to talk about is their kids…
And to top it all off, I have two cats, one which is in the early stage of kidney disease. My cats are essentially my kids, and so now add the heartache and fear of losing him, in addition to losing my parents…
I am just so tired of living like this, feeling sad, alone, and scared every day. But there’s nobody nearby for me to turn to for support and comfort. I am NOT suicidal, but every day, I wish God would take me, because my heart hurts so, so much, there’s no relief in sight, and it’s only going to get worse as they continue to decline. Yes, there will be a certain sense of relief when they pass, because the ordeal will be over for all of us, and I know they will be with God, and I will join them one day. Yet I will be devastated, and I fear that I won’t be able to handle it, even though I am a person of faith in God. But I’ve yet to experience the passing of a close loved one, and the thought of it terrifies me…
Given the absolute insanity across the globe nowadays, perhaps the Second Coming of Christ is around the corner! I can only hope, as that would be my only viable means of rescue, LOL…
I know there are no easy answers to any of this. Just wanted to vent. And to find out if anyone can relate.
Your sister is under no obligation to provide care for your parents, as hard a truth as that is to accept. Her first priority is her immediate family, so she in fact got it right at her end.
Aging, decline, health issues and end-of-life are hard things, so you're not imagining that. BUT you need to make peace with it and move on with your own life right now at the same time you help your parents. It is possible. That's why talking to a therapist will help you... so that you can find and keep healthy boundaries and have goals and do self-care.
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you work through this time in your life.
Your sister
Your mom
Your dad.
Granted they are not dead but the relationship has changed.
Your parents are somewhat dependent upon you, or what you do for them.
Your sister is living her life the way she should. And you may be a bit jealous of the life she has, kids and the support of her family and you don't have that.
Have you thought of cutting your daily visits to your parents and having the groceries and prescriptions delivered.
Make plans to visit a friend, your sister, a cousin. go by yourself if your husband does not want to go.
I also think talking to a therapist might help. Even if it is just 1 or 2 visits talking to an unbiased third party sometimes helps. Some of the the things you describe can be related to depression and medication can help.
You have the burden of an unsupportive spouse in addition to your perception that all of your parents' care is on you. You need to be able to plan with a clear head and not quite so bogged down with longing and regret about the actions of others over which you have no control.
How has your parents' aging and your relationship with your husband affected your planning for your own old age?
You work part-time in the mornings and find that helpful. Would you find it even more helpful if it was more than part-time? Do you only work part-time because you go to your parents' every afternoon?
How do you feel about the tasks you do for them? Is it becoming too much? Could they have groceries delivered (as someone else suggested)?
You wrote this in another post: "But as I struggle beneath this enormous burden as a caregiver to my difficult parents who are in their 90's, I also struggle with feelings of envy and resentment. I'm ashamed to have such feelings, but it's so hard not to, when my parents are both driving me over the edge of insanity. I love parents, and they have been very good to me through the years, for which I am so grateful, but on the other hand, my mother has a "Jekyll & Hyde" personality, as she has what I believe to be Borderline Personality Disorder, which has caused a tremendous amount of turmoil and anguish for me and the family, and my father is wonderful, but tends to be obsessive-compulsive, which drives me crazy."
We all have different limits, and it sounds like you have reached yours. I second the recommendation to see out a therapist, just to have someone to hear what you've posted here and help you to sort out those feelings.
I agree that a therapist would be a good idea especially because your husband isn't a support for you. Did he not have a good relationship with his parents?
I think the suggestion of a trip to visit your sister and cousin is a good one. I'd go without your husband and make it a girls' visit. You can easily arrange groceries and prescriptions for your folks for a few days while you're gone and the bills can wait.
I also think that you're burning yourself out with daily visits. Most bills and mail can be handled once a week. Is switching to grocery delivery once a week possible? Does their pharmacy deliver? I think you need a little bit of breathing room from your parents. If you still want to visit every day, set aside some days as "just visiting not managing your affairs" days.
To be honest, I struggle with the belief that adult children are not obligated to be there for their elderly parents, in any way. If the parents were physically and / verbally abusive, then there is NO moral obligation. But if the parents were loving and generous, then I believe it’s cold hearted to simply abandon them in their elder years, when they need support and compassion the most. I realize that is only my opinion, and that many people would disagree with it, but I can’t help how I feel. My parents were always there for my sister, in many ways through the years, including after she got married. Generous with their money and with their time. My father is a carpenter, and he so often went over to their house to help with repairs, etc, and he enjoyed doing so, while saving them money. Now being in their 90’s, with not many years left, my sister didn’t hesitate to move far away. She complained to me that she can’t do FaceTime calls with my mother, because my mother becomes emotional and cries when she sees my sister. I also think it’s unconscionable that my sister has not once visited in a year and a half, and apparently has no plans to visit at all. She and her husband are both retired, and I see no reason why they can’t come up for even a brief visit. She just doesn’t want to be bothered, and because it’s “too depressing.” Meanwhile, I’m here on the “front lines” by myself. Although thank God they do have home care, or I would have totally gone off the rails, so I’m very grateful for that!
I understand that she wants to be near her grandchildren. But that means it’s OK to just abandon your parents in their greatest time of need? I’m certainly not talking about hands-on care. Even I don’t do that. But simply being a presence in their life. The people who gave her life, and gave so much of themselves to her - pale in comparison to those grandchildren. Obviously, I have to accept her decision to do that, but I don’t agree with it from a moral standpoint. Very cold hearted, in my opinion, and it has caused my parents and myself a tremendous amount of pain…
Your sister is selfish. Stop beating a dead horse. You're hurting yourself. Has your current method of dealing with this improved the situation?
Forget your sister. Never, ever, talk about your parents to her again. If she brings them up ie how they doing? Answer, Their doing, or, You know, same thing. Your sister is a detached stranger. Someone you never knew, or did you?
Lighten your heart.
Shift gears for your sake.
By nature you maybe a glass half-full person. I know, what you're experiencing is more overwhelming than that over simplification, but many people are born crippled, physically, emotionally, or mentally, to some degree or groomed to be crippled, but like you, and everybody else, we are also equipped as homosapiens to be adaptive and many faceted. Seek out that wiser side of yourself. You cannot voice or replay in your mind over and over that same story about all your fears and negative expectations and expect to strengthen. A thoroughbred can either be taught to pull a plow or to be the wind on hooves depending on what kind of exercise it repeats.
Look up The Optimists Creed, print it out and read it everyday.
Get rid of words like, Terrified, Hurt, Daddy's Girl, Scared, from your everyday language and thoughts.
And btw, ordinarily husbands, men, are not girlfriends. They are programed to take heavy blows but not water torture. They are meant to hold up the homes of the women who make the home. If you find him not sympathetic completely he's either the wrong man or a super over burdened one with your crying everyday. I shutter.
You maybe transferring your fears about yourself on to your parents. We all age, breakdown and compensate the best we can. Get up every morning and exercise first thing. Make aging more manageable. I was given a book to read that I wouldn't pick up because of the horrible title The Art of Dying Well but finally I did and it's got great tips for living well as well as of course other great information. Knowledge can be very soothing and strengthening.
You wrote "I am just so tired of living like this, feeling sad, alone, and scared every day. But there’s nobody nearby for me to turn to for support and comfort."
FIrst of all, there is and always has been, and it's you. That big sister in you has got to take the person you identify with by the hand and find a support group that you relate to, not women with children. They are naturally in their logical milieu. They are dealing with the beginning and joyous part of life. It's like looking to get oranges from a gasoline pump. You are looking for solace in a mismatched kind of way. Grieving support groups are for grievers. Caregiving support groups exist for caregivers.
You can join one even if it's in another state by Zooming.
After awhile, however long it may take, that sobbing frightened child will disappear and you will be someone else's shoulder and support. You are the cause of your isolation.
The cavalry doesn't come over the hill. As adults we become our own cavalry.
I understand it's difficult but nothing is going to change if you continue to do what doesn't work.
Your sister did something very healthy. Do something healthy your way for you and your husband.
Exercise (15 minutes, almost) every day, throw out cr*p, take a shower, put something in a crockpot, research the internet, call a social worker in a hospital, make mistakes, tell you husband you're waking up.
I actually don’t mind the once a week grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, and monthly paying the bills, and other miscellaneous things that come up, from time to time. For me, it really isn’t a bother. I go there 5 afternoons a week for about an hour and a half, mainly to provide them with a bit of conversation and companionship. They’re very lonely. Both sides of their family are all gone. So they enjoy reminiscing with me about the good old days, when everyone was young, healthy, alive, and present. Or they like to hear about my work day, what I’m up to, etc. It helps break up the monotony of being house bound and watching TV all day long. So it’s true that I don’t really need to go over there 5 afternoons a week. But I do it because I feel so bad for them, knowing how lonely and bored they are. Of course, it would be great if I had siblings who would be willing to help lighten the load and share the burden, in that regard…
I think you struggle with the fact that you are in an unhappy situation and your sister seems to be living the life that she wants to live. You say you struggle with the idea that adult children are not obligated to their parents. If that is how you feel, there is nothing wrong with that. However, you can't project that belief onto others and expect them to live their lives according to your rules.
Your sister has her life to live and so do you. It is not your place to question her choices. I think you need to look at your choices. You feel abandoned by your sister and friends. Did you really expect them to stay in the same place and put their lives on hold just so you would feel supported? I really think this is more about her leaving YOU and not so much your parents. It would be nice if she could manage a trip up to see everyone, but how would that visit go? Would everyone be happy to see her or would they spend the bulk of their time dropping guilt trips on her for moving away to be near her children and grandchildren? So now do you see why she isn't visiting? This is why she isn't a presence in their lives.
I also don't think you get to decide that her relationship with her parents is so much more important than that with her grandchildren. And you are not left 'holding the bag'. You do not provide hands on care that require you to never leave your parents. You are there mostly on your terms. Yes, you are left with having to listen to them asking why she is not there.
I feel this is more about your hurt that she left you and not so much that you need her help caring for your parents.
When my sister first moved, I was very angry at her. But over the past 6 months or so, most of the anger has dissipated, and I no longer say anything to her about it. It’s actually a tremendous relief to no longer be so angry. All I really feel now is overwhelming SADNESS.
I no longer confide in my sister or my husband because they simply cannot understand, and not even from a lack of trying. They simply cannot. So it’s pointless to keep trying, and it felt like I was beating my head against a stone wall every time I tried.
I limit the number of days per week that I go over there, I limit the time spent at each visit, and I limit the daily phone calls. My parents are very emotionally needy, and the situation had gotten completely out of hand. But I knew that I had to start setting firm boundaries, ASAP, because my very survival literally depends on it.
I'm not trying to be snarky here, I think you need someone to help you examine WHY you are so terrified of losing you parents?
I know that seems like a silly question - "because they're my parents!!" But you say you have had various feelings of dread and fear about losing them for many, many years. Yet you say you have never experienced the passing of a loved one. Did your grandparents die before you were born - or while you were young enough to not remember?
I, unfortunately, have lost multiple loved ones. For myself, anyway, their imminent deaths hanging over my head was, in many ways, worse than the actual death itself. Because once it happened, it happened, and then I grieved and got through to the other side. But waiting, and wondering, and fretting, to me, was actually more draining emotionally than the grieving was. There is also way more support for someone who has experienced the death of a loved one, than for someone who is *waiting* for the death of a loved one. You might find your sister and your husband much more supportive once your parents actually do pass away; right now, they are probably unsure of how to even approach you and the anticipatory grief you seem to be experiencing.
But there is a part of your post that is concerning, and that is the suicidal ideations: "I wish God would take me"; "the Second Coming is my only viable means of rescue". Adding "LOL" at the end of your statements doesn't make them less concerning. So, while I am glad you are planning on seeking therapy, I would hope you would do that much sooner than later. I have a sneaking suspicion there is more going on in your life than "anticipatory grief", and I hope a good therapist can help you 1) identify it and 2) guide you through it.
Good luck!
As one who has buried 3 family members and attended more family funerals, death can happen at any time or age. You are NEVER prepared even when imminent. I thought that it would hurt less, it does not. What you hold on to is the love and the memories. Helps some. As well as knowing as a Christian, that death is not the end.
You get through it but not over it.
I am sorry for the lack of support you are going through.
Do you have health insurance from your employment or through your husband's?
I enrolled in a program called AbleTo. It is an online program where you are connected with a therapist and a life coach. You are called once a week from each for 8 weeks. The sessions are an hour long. You get tips and tools for assessing your mood, self care, etc...paid for health insurance companies. Online therapy became more apparent in the pandemic.
AbleTo | Pioneering High-Quality Virtual Behavioral Health Care
This may be helpful in giving you the support you need for a while. It gave me something to look forward to knowing someone would be calling to ask how I was and trying to help.
Journaling for me also helped in getting out my feelings when no one listens.
Whatever you need for self care that's healthy, do it.
You sound like a loving daughter, love on yourself just as fiercely.
Have you ever thought that the burden of your neediness might be one reason why your sister stays away? I would suggest that if you're as wound up, scared, and crying as you say you are, then a therapist's office would be the place to unpack all this anxiety.
It's not really fair to expect your sister to fix all that for you. If you've been having this dread of your parents' deaths since you were a child, then clearly your issues are not related to your sister moving to Florida.
Get therapy to help you learn to accept the realities of life. Don't rely on non-professionals to unravel all that's going on in your head. It's better to unload on a professional who can help you move forward rather than dump your woes on someone who's carrying their own load. That's neither kind nor fair.
i agree, it would be nice if your sister came up once in awhile for respite care but when people are out of the picture they don't have to see the reality of your every day or your parents.
i have an older sister two hours away who comes ever few months for a visit and she allows mw to vent.
my younger sister doesn't help and last time she “Visited” she had a complete meltdown towards her daughter in my Moms room.
I haven't spoken with her since.
you have a huge responsibility and you have to keep any added stressors out of your life. One bit of advice I need to give you is that you need to cut down on daily visits. I had to do this when both my parents were in assisted living because they were extremely ill. At one time both were in Hospice.
dad died but Mom is stable but bedridden. I go every other day and hired a companion for two hours twice a week. She loves it and I don't go in on those days.
i hope this advice was helpful, I tend to ramble
You mentioned you were the Daddy's Girl. I was too! But I am the only daughter. In your case, with two daughters... were you maybe their 'favorite'? I don't mean that as in they treated you like a princess and treated sister like Cinderella. More like different expectations for you. From what you're describing here, it sounds like maybe you were expected all along to be the main caretaker?
I know you can't imagine life without your parents. Neither can I. But I almost lost my mom last year (esophageal bleed and she almost died on the operating table), both my parents will be 80 next year... and the reality is setting in that one day this will happen. Aside from preparing the basics-- their funeral wishes, legal stuff, etc.-- I don't think I will know how to handle it when it actually happens. I don't think it's something anyone can really prepare for.
Maybe what's feeding your fear is who YOU will be after their deaths. Right now your job, identity, whatever you wish to call it... is wrapped up in your parents. Once they're gone, it's like your identity is gone with them. Who will you be then? What will your purpose be? What will you do every day? Who are you, indeed?
I totally sympathize with your cat's issues; when my previous cat died it about sent me over the edge. I am married but no kids, and I also relate to women's groups mainly talking about their kids and little else. Gets old quickly.
You also seem to be the 'glue' holding your parents together. You're their emotional support when you don't need to be. They have each other. Yes it's sad to watch the decline, but you can't do anything to stop that. Re-asses it when one parent passes. Once that happens, the remaining parent will need the real emotional support.
As for your husband, I don't know. He may be an unsupportive jerk, or he may resent you giving your all for your parents. He might feel he's second place in your life. When you two got married, you promised to put each other first. Yes your folks need help, but it appears maybe you've reverted in a sense... as much as you may want to recapture the 'old days' when your parents were vibrant and you were the apple of Dad's eye... you know it's not possible. Are you scrambling to re-create those years, in whatever means you can do it? That if you are there every day, it will somehow help them hold on to their own lives?
Therapy can help you peel those layers back and find who your truly are underneath.
You can't fill their boredom and loneliness, it's a bottom pit and you're falling into it. It takes all your joy and happiness and give it to them temporarily, and leaves you empty.
You need to come to term with the fact that they will be bored and have no joy in their lives because they are old and tired and can't do anything anymore. Accept this.
It's not your fault and you can't fix that. Accept this, too.
You are carrying their burden and it's sucking the life out of you. Stop it.
Look on the bright side, be content that you can bring them some happiness when you visit. At least they are not lonely, they have each other.
I agree with others that you really need to talk to a well trained therapist. You can't expect your sister and husband or any untrained person to be a receptacle for your extreme emotional baggage day after day. Most people can only take so much before they shut down.
You have been doing a wonderful job loving and caring for your parents! I agree that it seems cold and heartless to just abandon your parents, never visiting or calling because it’s hard or inconvenient. That’s her choice and she will need to live with the consequences of that decision.
In the meantime, I agree that all of this responsibility is falling squarely on your shoulders and it’s 100% overwhelming not to have any support!
Agree with others about a therapist. Also will be great if you can find a caregiver support group that meets online or offline (I’m looking for one too). I’m also wondering if they will benefit from AL? That would provide them more support and socialization that they’re missing now and would lift some of the responsibility off of you.
I can relate to your story. I’m living with my parents now because my mother’s disability has gotten so severe. My condo is there waiting for me and I miss it. My brother is married with a teenage daughter at home - he calls and visits which is better than nothing but I also feel that the weight of this is on me. My father is so burnt out on caregiving my Mom and after 3 months living here, so am I. She needs a SNF but they are putting it off. It’s a difficult situation. I just started remote therapy and it’s helping so far. One of the most difficult parts of this situation for me is I don’t know when the finish line is - it makes it difficult to bear the intensity.
I am sending you lots of love, support and encouragement! I am hearing the need for more support for both you and your parents and I hope that comes to pass. Hang in there!
You put your life on hold to help out with your mother. If your brother started to help out more, would that allow you to go back to your condo? I'm betting no. Caring for your mother has gotten to be too much for untrained caregivers and you recognize that but for some reason your parents refuse to take action. Is that fair to you?
That sounds like a mighty fine job you’re doing there and you should be proud of who you are and the difference you have made in your parents lives. You have nothing to regret and can close your eyes and know in your heart you have done your best . They have done it for you and you grew up loving them and that is why you are YOU.
So I have this to say in the parallel of my life .. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing my parents, yet that time came and I was saddened, but it gave me strength to know … I was there . I fulfilled their needs and I did for them the best I could . I watched them close their eyes and carried out their request. Damn it was tiring and God doesn’t sleep . He slammed me with a sick husband and I’m back in the boat with the same oar .
But I’ve come to realize.. planning and taking care of myself was a factor in all of this .
You can go away and take a break .
That little extra on the side that your sister should be getting.. well it’s time to utilize it to your advantage. Make sure your parents have someone to take of them and take a mini vacay.
Rent a hotel room for a weekend with the kids and enjoy it … Live your life .. your sister left you with the bag .
My dear I am not a vindictive person or revengeful.. but I do know in the end she will be back for the only bag your parents left .
So I say to you empty the bag .. pay for the help to help you . Don’t squeeze the life out of you and your family .