I’m 54. My father is 94 and my mother is 92. I’m married and live nearby. Thankfully, they have in-home care, but I briefly swing by most afternoons for about an hour and a half or so, as I handle their grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, paying their bills, etc…
I have always had a very close relationship with both of them. My mother is difficult, but she loves me dearly, and I love both of them dearly…
I only have one older sister, but she moved out of state last year to follow her kids and grandkids, which made a very difficult situation even so much harder on me, and left me feeling abandoned, overwhelmed, and angry at her for leaving me “holding the bag”, so to speak. But I’ve come to accept her moving away, and we are on good terms now. I’m no longer angry at her, but it still hurts that she left me all alone to take care of two elderly parents, especially knowing the mental and emotional effects it is having on me. Just so she could follow her grandchildren to Florida (I live in Connecticut). She moved a year and a half ago, and has never been back to visit. I asked her, “are you ever going to see them in this life again?” and she gets annoyed and won’t give me a straight answer, which I think is absolutely horrid…
I try to carry on with my life as normal as possible, but I basically feel heartbroken, alone, and scared every day. I cry a lot because it’s so unbearable for me to witness two formerly strong, independent loving parents be reduced to this… a shell of who they were. Obviously they’re up there in age, and it’s the “cycle of life”, but the fear of their passing consumes my life. Every day, I fear getting that phone call. I can’t imagine my life without either of them, and especially my father, since I was always “Daddy’s Girl.” As a kid, I had actual nightmares about losing them, but they were only in their 50’s back then, so it was a long way off, and I could shove it in the back of my mind and forget about it. But now that they are both in their 90’s, their passing is staring me in the face, and it terrifies me…
I work part time in the mornings, and I find it helpful, mentally, to be around other people in that setting. But if I had even one supportive person in my life, it would help a lot. But my sister and my cousin, who I am close with, they both live out of state now, as do my two closest friends. Phone calls are good, but certainly not the same as having a close relative or friend living nearby. Making matters worse, I have a difficult marriage with a man who lacks empathy, so I can’t lean on him, either. I joined a women’s group at church, and they are very nice, but they all have kids, and I don’t, so I find it hard to connect with them because that’s all they seem to talk about is their kids…
And to top it all off, I have two cats, one which is in the early stage of kidney disease. My cats are essentially my kids, and so now add the heartache and fear of losing him, in addition to losing my parents…
I am just so tired of living like this, feeling sad, alone, and scared every day. But there’s nobody nearby for me to turn to for support and comfort. I am NOT suicidal, but every day, I wish God would take me, because my heart hurts so, so much, there’s no relief in sight, and it’s only going to get worse as they continue to decline. Yes, there will be a certain sense of relief when they pass, because the ordeal will be over for all of us, and I know they will be with God, and I will join them one day. Yet I will be devastated, and I fear that I won’t be able to handle it, even though I am a person of faith in God. But I’ve yet to experience the passing of a close loved one, and the thought of it terrifies me…
Given the absolute insanity across the globe nowadays, perhaps the Second Coming of Christ is around the corner! I can only hope, as that would be my only viable means of rescue, LOL…
I know there are no easy answers to any of this. Just wanted to vent. And to find out if anyone can relate.
Many of us are in your shoes, also literally waiting for the shoe to drop. It's like walking on eggshells because each day is a decline as they get up in age.
A few resources that may help you that I refer to:
*Teepa Snow has a Caregiver Book that gives some consolation about the end chapter of a loved one's life. She is an Occupational Therapist and her videos are on YouTube. I think she is a wealth of information.
I agree with you to see people age and you remember them as they once were in their previous life they were different people. My mother's father was a cop and my mother was so street smart and solved every crime show on tv. Now she has Lewy Body Dementia. This morning I will take her to her "Tuesday Mornings' With Dementia Friends" for a 4 (hour) respite--speech and physical therapy.
Everyone there has this impressive previous life but now they all shuffle along.
You mentioned you live in Connecticut. I, too, am wondering how am I going to handle this when it's their "time". I believe in Heaven and have a lot of faith but still it's hard to accept.
There are many retreat centers in Connecticut that are open to ALL denominations. A lot of them offer one-day three-day retreats on Grief or really many other topics too.
Maybe a weekend away that specializes in this type of thing. Some place where you can rest for 3 days, sit and have meals together and pray. You will always have these places to return to for a "tune-up" and companionship.
For example, there are two retreat centers in Farmington, Ct. also Cormaria on Long Island and Enders Island in Mystic Ct. All of them offer consolation retreats on Grief in the loss of a loved one.
I picked up a book at the library recently, I am going to read it "before" I need it.
"Surviving The Holidays Without You" Navigating Grief During Special Seasons by Gary Roe.
If you make small changes now, baby steps, and don't look to the people that can't give you what you need and are looking for.
Personally, after my mother passes, I don't want to be the woman in the supermarket that shows people a picture of my cat. I don't have one but I think you know what I mean.
I know it's hard but sometimes I have a difficult time accepting other people's decision-making when it comes to "our" parents. Dad passed many years ago. He always called me and my sister "Princess". My brothers are busy travelling the world and don't help out they way I wish they would.
Do for yourself, don't keep knocking on the door that isn't opening, and find yourself a support group/caregivers and more importantly a group to meet for coffee. Invite people over for coffee, I have yet to have anyone refuse.
You sound like a wonderful person who shows up and pitches in. You will always look around to help others because that's how you are wired. You probably can't fathom how someone else couldn't deliver the goods the way you automatically do.
You are in my prayers...
I understand your sister’s desire to move near her children and be a part of their lives. Let her enjoy her life without resentment. You too, have a life to live and deserve to be happy. Please continue to be with other people for emotional respite and to help you nurture skills needed for a balanced outlook. Sounds like you’re swallowed up by sadness. You can climb out. Hugs to you.
So sorry you’re feeling down. But, know that “ only you” can give all of this dire negativity a new perspective. It begins by changing your thought process. Seems to me you’re fighting against the inevitable.
We all have emotions but, our emotions can build us up or literally destroy us. Unless we accept the
“ what is” also the “ here and now.” Then make peace with it!
Figuratively speaking, look it dead in the eye and say I dislike what I’m seeing and experiencing but, I will not be defeated and this does not define ”who I am “ you’re faith must be allowed to work! Don’t allow emotions to keep you depressed and down.
Yes, death is inevitable. Make peace with that! Every living breathing Being on God’s green Earth has a beginning and an end. Acceptance of that is half the battle and moving forward completes the battle( the moving forward journey may be long and tedious and expect that it will). We can’t prepare for death physically because it will come when God says so but, mentally we can (by accepting that it is inevitable).
I mean isn’t that why we have wills and leave burial instructions with our families?
Finally I’d like to say to you to enjoy and cherish spending their final days with them. Find something that can bring some joy( give them each a rose and you both smell its essence together) put some polish on moms nails, etc… and just talk to them about your love for them or the
“ remember when times” you talk whether the respond or not!!
I’m so appreciative that I was there when my dad died. I layed my head on his chest while he took his last breath, I cried a river of tears and I told him will meet again daddy some sweet day!
In the natural order of things where children bury their parents, I kinda see it like this, my parents got to see my 1st breath and I get to embrace their last breath.
Find your peace, it will sustain you!
Hugs💕
I am an only child with a 91.5 year old mom. She lives in AL, doesn’t like the food, has Parkinson’s, and pretty much only wants my company. It is tough to watch my mom age. The mom I have isn’t the mom I had.
Take it a day at a time.
I recently started therapy and it has helped me come to terms with some of what you are feeling.
This also helped me: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiver-fix-it-mentality-leads-to-burnout-152629.htm
I read it from time to time to remind myself I “can’t fix old.” I need to accept what is, live the life I have, and recognize everyone has “something”—and you will be okay.
Try not to let the anticipatory grief that you're experiencing steal your joy. One thing that has helped me as I care for my 95 yo mother, is to think about the things that I want to do when this season has ended. I want to travel, and have lunch with friends, and get back to hobbies and building my little personal training business.
The thing that I've noted in your post is that you have not yet experienced the death of a loved one. That's such a blessing at the age of 54!
I was 31 when I witnessed my beloved grandmother cross over to heaven and it was a sweet homegoing for her at the age of 93. Then I was 45 when I held the hands of my darling father as he went to heaven. Again at 50 I was with my aunt as she departed.
And then at the age of 60 - in 2019 - I was the only one with my beloved twin brother as he crossed over to be with The Lord.
It's a sad, sad road but The Lord stood by me and gave me strength. (2 Timothy 4:17).
My best advice to you is to trust that when the time comes to say goodbye to your mother and father, The Lord will do the same for you.
We're not dying out - we're stepping heavenward! His Grace is sufficient to carry you through. Rest in that.
Most everyone on this forum understands different segments of your post. It is very sad to see parents decline, but doing so without the emotional or the physical support of others makes it feel unbearable at times. You have a lot of other “stuff” on your plate as well.
Like many others have suggested,PLEASE seek out counseling ASAP. The counselor will help you deal with the grief that you are already experiencing, deal with past issues that you are hanging on to, and help you with setting goals and planning ways that YOU can continue to make the world a better place. Best wishes to you.
All I can say is remember they love you and you love them. Get away from it as often as you can. You will really need it believe me.
I pray for you. This is the hardest thing you will do in your life. All the best.
If you had no immediate obligations or limitations, what would you like to be doing or learning or participating in? Look for opportunities to try some of those things. No one will come knocking on your door to make suggestions, so you will need to take the initiative to look for interesting things to do.
You need to have interests and involvements of your own so you can be less dependent on your relationship with your parents.
You definitely have your hands full, but this too shall pass!
You will be happy later on when you reflect on your generous efforts to help your parents. I'm told that in Judaism, the Commandment to honor one's parents is number one, and you are fulfiling it the utmost. God will reward you and someday we'll all be together in heaven. Love and prayers, Margret
Generosity is definitely underrated.
Please reach out to your faith leader( pastor, clergy, priest ) and, schedule an appointment to speak with him/ her. The " women's group" is fine but honestly reading your message, I hear someone who needs professional support and , starting with your clergy will be a good place to begin. They can also refer you to other support as needed.
Also please see your own medical physician and, share your situation, fears , anxieties etc with him/ her. They too can be very helpful with assessment of your needs and
referrals as needed.
You are grieving. You are grieving watching your parents age, you are grieving the loss of your sister's proximity ( her move), and you are grieving the unknown ( future)....
You are experiencing past , present and anticipatory grief:. Grief counseling may be one help for you.
As you also share your " fear" of the parents death as you say you " have never experienced this", this is a good conversation to begin with your faith leader also.
It is always good to look for something " good" in a situation; I see the fact that your parents live nearby in their own home with in home care support a very positive thing. The fact that you are free to go to work and stop in for an hour or so and know that they have help in the home is a positive thing.
Be sure that your parents have assigned someone ( possibly you) as POA. If they do not have living wills and medical directives in place , this is something else you should assist them with. This may sound like a lot more work for you, but it will actually help you and them and, we all should have these items in place.
Please seek help so that you are getting the support you need toward good self care. And, I hope perhaps your spouse is a helpful listener even though they are not mentioned in your writing.
Blessings
Your sister and cousin cannot help like a professional can. And remember, you’re not alone in your feelings. Many of us have gone through this.
Good luck and blessings
As for kitty, I lost one girl earlier this year and have her sister on a kidney cat food now to, hopefully, prolong her life. I get it prescribed by our vet and ordered through CHEWY.
You might want to call, "Visiting Angels" to get some respite care so that you can take time off. On the other hand, doing some fun volunteer work (with pets or children or ?) might bring you joy and new friendships.
On the other hand, some of the replies were needlessly harsh and hurtful.
Of course, sometimes hearing the truth hurts, and sometimes hearing constructive criticism and advice is hurtful, too. I understand and accept that. I’m not looking for the truth to be soft-soaped and sugar-coated - just tone down the harshness, please.
Furthermore, when you essentially bare your soul to a group of strangers, you have to expect that some people will be kind and compassionate in their responses, while others will rip you apart and make you feel like 2 cents. I understand that I opened myself up to that. Now I feel that I have to be careful of how I participate in this group, which is a shame, because that sort of defeats the purpose of the group, to some degree. Or I can just go back to being a “lurker” again, as I did for the past couple of years.
However, this group is supposed to serve as a “safe place” in which we can open up and release some of the hurt, anxiety, and anger which is plaguing us. No, it certainly does not take the place of professional therapy. But surely it can help to supplement therapy.
I was blown back by some of the hurtful responses here - and it took me a few days to feel able to return and respond. But I did glean a good amount of helpful suggestions and kind words, so I thank you for that.
I had a post up here myself back in April-June when my DH was undergoing a liver transplant & we were in another state living in a hotel to facilitate that transplant; 98% of the comments were wonderfully supportive & uplifting for me, but there were some that were downright hurtful & awful. Some comments that served no useful purpose & caused me anxiety & upset as a result. Some people enjoy causing others to feel angst, that's what I've decided. And I too dwelled on those negative comments for far too long, until I realized the SUPPORTIVE comments were the ones I SHOULD have been focusing on! You know what I mean? Look for the light & push back the dark in life, that's the thing to do.
I'm glad you were able to glean a good amount of helpful suggestions & kind words from the comments here, and I wish you the best of luck finding useful support and a good therapist moving forward. God knows we all have issues to work through in life, so finding your network of support is crucial.
But the choice is yours, cherishing time you have left or thinking about the end.
You are not alone, most of us caregivers, face this possible outcome or even greater probability of being left alone.
Finding resilience gives us tools to cope.
Your goal is to keep yourself healthy physically and mentally so that you are in good shape when your miserable ordeal is over so you can still find joy in your life.
Hang in.