Good day everyone,
I'm the 41 year old daughter of a 66 year old retiree. Due to my mother not being able to take 100% financial care of herself since her retirement I have been living with her taking care of some of the financial responsibilities. We also share the household with my 17 year old son.
I fear my mother might suffer from depression and / or PTSD - she's very anxious, constantly stressing but not able to communicate the reasons for her stress. She has outbursts for arbitrary reasons and constantly blames me for everything that goes wrong.
My brother who is 38 years old was diagnosed as a diabetic at the age of 8. She "over mothers" him to the point where it gets frustrating for everyone around her. Her entire life seems to revolve around his wellbeing, to the point where she cares for nothing else. She will hoard some of her food for him, she does not care if our household runs out of food as long as he feeds him, its sounds pathetic but its frustrating since I'm still raising a real child and putting all of my financial resources into this household.
She appreciates nothing that I do for her - I have been scolded for walking a certain way, making a sound, pulling my face - asking questions about silly things like, " where's the butter". I caught her sneaking food out of our house to my brother - she's loosing my trust and to be very honest - I'm not going to be able to share a home with a person I can't trust.
Nothing I offer to do out of the kindness of my heart is just appreciated - when I offer to buy certain grocery items for my brother she adds extra to the list. When I offer to quickly make a food run to my brother she adds extra stops to my trips. I myself offer only what I can give but she keeps expecting more. This makes me feel like there is no respect for my boundaries.
Since COVID I have to work from home, her outbursts make me flee from home - this becomes a problem because I struggle to focus and do my work properly ( I work in travel - therefore a certain amount of focus is required during these trying times)
I'm worried about the effect of this on my and my son's mental health. We are not used to living in such a volatile environment and its becoming too much. I have spoken to her but she makes it out as silly and as if the problem is not so bad. Not only does she not take responsibility for her abusive behavior, she believes she's within her right and actually blames me for her outbursts.
She's a liar and highly manipulative - I therefore cannot get support from family, she simply does not behave badly in front of them . She belittles and gossips about me and tells them that I bully her, whilst in fact its the opposite way around.
I'm now beginning to feel depressed and negative, I'm not a negative person by nature and I dont know how long I can take this and worse expose my son to this kind of toxic environment.
You need to get your child OUT of that toxic environment or your son will wind up disliking you AND his grandmother for forcing him to live in such a stressful situation. Trust me, I know. I was raised in such an environment and to this day, have a crappy relationship with my own mother.
You're not going to fix a passive/aggressive woman with God-knows what other mental illnesses and/or personality disorders going on. So the only answer is to REMOVE yourself & your son from her presence. Now.
My mother is exactly like yours, and she turned 94 on Wednesday. But she lives in Memory Care now and never, never in my home or me in her home. Once was way more than enough.
Your mother is 66. She can have 3 more DECADES of toxic behavior ahead of her. What about you? How do YOU choose to live the remainder of YOUR life? And what sort of future does your son deserve? Your first responsibility is to HIM and to YOURSELF.
Good luck.
you wrote:
“So the only answer is to REMOVE yourself & your son from her presence.”
i really agree.
dear CvZ, hug! i really think there is no other way. these narcissistic people sometimes act nicely, and then you think, maybe it’s not that bad. but the abuse always (!) comes back. and they decide when to switch it back on.
i truly believe there is no solution, but to escape.
make yourself unavailable.
get away.
otherwise you/me/all of us on this forum with narcs, will be abused forever.
it doesn’t stop.
they want to destroy us.
our job, future, self-image, personality.
destroy.
make us unhappy forever.
there’s no way to change that.
your mother is nice to your brother? typical.
we’re daughters. girls. some mothers are extremely jealous of their daughters.
narcs enjoy making others (their target) miserable.
we must escape.
low/no contact.
hug! courage!
life is beautiful. we must live it :).
be kind to others, and to ourselves.
let’s not let our mothers destroy us. don’t let her “win”.
bundleofjoy
Many others have been through a similar situation. I have too.
You can talk until you are blue in the face, nothing will come of it.
Or you can take your life back and have peace for you and your son.
You care about her more than she cares about you. Is that equality? Don’t you deserve respect and gratitude?
She feels that she can take you for granted because you are the one who does the most. Isn’t that always the case with people?
It’s sad, because we give from the goodness of our hearts and they take kindness for weakness and will try to take advantage. Don’t allow her to do that!
She will never own up to her actions. They rarely do.
Chances are if they do they have an ulterior motive, without any sincerity of being sorry for offending you.
They want something from you and whatever you give, it won’t ever be enough.
They will try to shame, gaslight, etc. so they don’t have to hold themselves accountable.
It’s not about mistakes being made, everyone has misjudged. misunderstood something, overreacted to one thing or another. It’s about denying it all and not caring about if they hurt you.
Some people actually feel that they are perfect and have no flaws.
It’s so stupid because when someone genuinely apologizes for their behavior, most people are happy to forgive and forget.
Who wants to hold a grudge? I certainly don’t want to harbor grudges. I doubt that you do either. They on the other hand will hold a grudge forever! Life is too short for that kind of foolishness.
Your mom isn’t making it easy for you to have a warm, solid relationship.
I have been there so I get it. I wish you peace and joy. Create a healthy atmosphere for you and your son. You deserve it!
She will survive without you!
Your primary responsibility is to your minor child and to maintaining your own sanity, health and financial well-being.
Call your local Area Agency on Aging and get an appointment for them to do a "needs assessment".
If your mother becomes volatile in a threatening way, call 911 and have her transported to an ER for a psych evaluation. Do NOT accept her back into your home.
If you are living with your mother, leave and find another place to live.
If she can't continue to live in her home because she can't afford it, oh well, time for her to live within her means, not look to you to keep her in the manner she is accustomed.
Give her your 30 day notice and get you and your son out of the dysfunction. It will be difficult and she will blame you, look up grey rock and use that to get through the next 30 days. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of you, you have to do what is best for your son and yourself.
Did she retire for medical reasons? She should not have retired if she couldn't afford to support herself.
Supporting her is not your responsibility. I assume living with your brother is out of the question?
Look into low income housing. You need to remove her from your everyday life or this will be your life for the next 20-25 years.
Tell her that since she is so unhappy with you it is time to make a change.