I have been taking care of my grandma for a year now, after I had to move in due to losing my job. She had a major surgery right after I moved in and her recovery was a nightmare. I was here day and night assisting her to the bathroom, picking her up naked off the shower floor, changing her bedpan, putting her maxi pads on her underware, catching her as she fainted and fell up to 6 times a day. I have watched her bang her face and head into walls and have marks so horrfiying she has been questioned as to what happened to her by doctors and friends.
During the month after surgery I was down to 3 hours sleep a night. During this time my family was no where to be found. my dad would come by every day and check in but was quick to leave. my aunt promised she would be here and move in to help take care of her til she was better and the second my gram got out of the hospital and was giving us rtrouble my aunt booked it and hasn't looked back. she is absolutely zero help to me. I am basically doing her job because it is her mother, my grandmother.
I am all my grandma has. But she shows no appreciation. she fights me, argues with me, if I tell her she should do something for her own good she has to prove me wrong by doing the opposite and hurting herself. Last week I watched her fall and bang her head against a table and bleed all over and no one was around to help.
she gets confused daily. every hour of every day she "can't find something" I have to look for her. She has two bank accounts and overdraws and can't remember what is in what. I have been living here a year and she says to me every day "I need to cancel one of these its too confusing"
I have to repeat things to her numerous times a day she can't remember. when I said one day "you have a bad memeory" she yelled at me saying she did not have a bad memory she remembered things fine.
It is very difficult for me to deal with this. I just turned 29. On top of being hassled daily by her, watching her fall, not eat, and then drive after doing all of this (I have tried reporting her they say only doctor or cop can) I have to also watch my grandma basically wither into this person I do not know.
I have ptsd from her falls (I am not making light of the illness) any bang or sound I hear in the house I jump and my heart stops beating I think she is falling and hurting herself. I cry for no reason alot lately. I wake up mad at her and go to bed mad at her because all she does is pace the house and I hear every sound and I can't take it anymore. she hums all day because of the parkinsons and I can't take it anymore.
I am at my breaking point. I tell my mom and boyfriend when it gets to hard they just say "oh you are doing good stay strong" my aunt does not help at all when I go to her. my dad is in denial. none of my cousins stop by at all. it is like it is just me and I get the bad end of it because my gram takes it all out on me.
I have no insurance to see a therapist. I just don't know what to do anymore.
my gram should not be driving, she should be eating healthier, she should be looking into getting a nurse or assistant when I move out (whihc I desperately want to move out by february, no ONE believs me that I Am moving out)
this has been piled on me because I was unfortnant enough to lose my job a year ago and had no where else to go. the whole family knows I am here so they just let me deal with it. it is no concern to them.
I volunteeered to work thanksgiving just so I won't have to be here around my family and deal with everything. that is so sad. I forfeit my thanksgiving while they all get to enjoy it with my gram, when I am the one taking care of her all year
and worse of it all my gram has not once said thank you to me. she doesn't seem to appreciate it. when I do things she doesn't notice.
I feel so alone and taken advantage of and depressed I just don't know how much more of this I can handle. and no one is listening ot me.
how do I get through to people? I wish I could move out but I just can't right now I am almost there though.
thank you for listening. even if there is no advice out there at least someone listened to me. thank you.
Let's take a look at this from a realistic standpoint. Gramma provided a place to live. Let's assign that $2000 a month for room and board. Now .. let's see .. 20 to 22 hours a day, seven days a week. Being generous and rounding it out, that's about $3.50 an hour. Hmm .. I guess Talk should be grateful, huh?
*shuts up before she growls worse*
(And, btw, if I ever post a whiney post, please don't bother to respond, I'm sure I'll have been entirely misunderstood by you.)
Talk that talk, Vent all you want. We understand.
Make specific plans about how you will get out. Every day, take a step toward freedom. Put a dollar in the piggy bank. Look for a better job.
If she is falling all the time, she should be reported to Adult Protective services or social services as a person in need of care. Her situation is not safe, and it shouldn't be up to you to solve the problem with no help from the family.
Ungrateful, user? Where in her post shows this? She stayed a year ago to help GM. After GM's surgery, she did the 24/7 caring for her. When GM fell, she had to pick her up all by herself. Do you know how difficult it is to lift an adult person off the floor? My father fell several times. In the end, I had to drag the single sofa to him so that he can pull himself off the floor. TTT9 is Only 29 years old and GM's children fled their responsibilities to their very own mother. TTT9 has no POA or Anything to help with GM's situation. And why on earth would GM listen to her? TTT9 is ONLY her grandchild. My father wouldn't even listen to me - his own daughter. So, I can see where TTT9 is at. I don't see her as taking advantage of GM. I think ALL of them are the ones taking advantage of TTT9.
TTT9, you are way too young to be caregiving GM alone. You're working now. In your spare time, start looking for a decent place to stay. Even if it means approaching the federal govt to help you find a temporary place to stay in which you will help supplement with your income.
In the meantime, please start calling around like the APS (adult protective service) and ask if they have brochures or a site to help you with GM. Also call the Aging Care in your area. Look in the phone book and call around. Start by educating yourself with caregiving and how to respond to those who have dementia. Your GM definitely sounds a lot like those who is going down the senile lane. Please watch the Teepa Snow videos. Know what you are doing is making the situation worse. As GM's main caregiver - you will always be the bad guy. Time to educate yourself and Plan goals : save $, use GM's money for ALL her expenses, find a decent place to move in to, find how GM is to live by herself (hence the Aging Care and APS), etc... GM will eventually need 24/7 help that requires more than just one person. We all feel guilty but remember, GM has children. They should be the one shouldering this responsibility. Because eventually, you might end up doing this with your own parents.
Not everyone here believes that you are ungrateful. I can see from your post that you are doing your darn best and everyone in the family has disappointed you. They abandoned you. And deep inside, you have learned where you stand from everyone - even your own parents. So sorry... ufortunately, that's nothing new. Most of us have been abandoned to caregive with no help from others. You take care, and start strategizing. {{ hugs }}
Find an apartment. Even a room in a boarding house.
Give notice. Move out.
Explain what you are willing/able to do to help with Gramma. One weekend a month? Help her get dressed and settled before you leave for work each day? Set up her medicines? Helping out is appropriate. Taking on the full responsibility is not.
Stop letting family take shameless advantage of you.
I feel though, as others have mentioned, I am being taken advantage of. my grandma, family, everyone think that because I am not in a spot to get out it is ok to just let me deal with it all since I am here.
I mention moving to anyone and they throw tons of reasons at me why it wouldn't work right now. no encouragement no "yea good idea" nothing... just "oh it wouldn't work because......" which shows right there they don't want to deal with this.
I have stayed this long not because I need a place to stay, I could live on my moms couch if I REALLY REALLY needed to, which would not be pleasent but it would be better than this sometimes. I would never dream in a million years of abandoning her.
I go to visit my friends or boyfriend for a night and all I do is think if she is ok. I worry she won't take her meds. I worry she will fall and I wont be there. I always have her on my mind.
mornings are worse and I have to work alot of mornings and I always have to leave when she is faint, and I worry all day at work she is doing bad.
so I most certainly am not in this for a roof over my head. I am sorry for calling you crazy Deb, that was out of anger. but please try and realize what I am going through. I am not at all trying to take advantage of my grandmother. I am trying to keep her alive.
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