How do I deal when no one is helping me?

Amen, TalkThatTalk. All I could think is what could your family be dreaming to put a young person in a situation like this. My only advice is to look for a job and make arrangements to get out of that situation. It sounds like your family is taking advantage of your misfortune. Shame on them! You are too young to be going through what you are. You still have a life to build. We are with you. I hope you can find the perfect job.

Save yourself and get out. Notify the DMV and fill out the bad driver report, you will save someone else's life too. "Be strong" is a cop out for the absent people who refuse to help you. You are fading in strength and you know it, save your own life first. If you do not survive, you can't save anyone else either.

You moved in after losing your job! Wasn't it wonderful grandma had a place for you to go to. Yes, caregiving is stressful, but if so bad for you why are you waiting until you are almost there? Sounds like your grandmother was doing fine when you moved in then her health declined and all of a sudden things changed to your detriment. Your grandmother took you in and because things didn't go the way you anticipated you complain about taken advantage of. My advice, find another place to live that is more suitable to your needs and let grandma's needs be left to those who are more grateful for the things she has done for them!

Find a job. Any job. You can work on upgrading later.

Find an apartment. Even a room in a boarding house.

Give notice. Move out.

Explain what you are willing/able to do to help with Gramma. One weekend a month? Help her get dressed and settled before you leave for work each day? Set up her medicines? Helping out is appropriate. Taking on the full responsibility is not.

Stop letting family take shameless advantage of you.

wow, debralee .. really?

Let's take a look at this from a realistic standpoint. Gramma provided a place to live. Let's assign that $2000 a month for room and board. Now .. let's see .. 20 to 22 hours a day, seven days a week. Being generous and rounding it out, that's about $3.50 an hour. Hmm .. I guess Talk should be grateful, huh?

*shuts up before she growls worse*

Debralee, no need to get nasty. We all know caregiving is soul-destroying.

Talk that talk, Vent all you want. We understand.

Make specific plans about how you will get out. Every day, take a step toward freedom. Put a dollar in the piggy bank. Look for a better job.

If she is falling all the time, she should be reported to Adult Protective services or social services as a person in need of care. Her situation is not safe, and it shouldn't be up to you to solve the problem with no help from the family.

In your case, if you are financially strong, you might look at options like an assisted living facility for your grandma.

If family are coming there on Thanksgiving then pack your bags tell them Gram is their responsibility and keep walking!

Dear 'talk' --- There is a form of dementia associated with Parkinson's. It is called Lewy body dementia. Do an internet search and see if some of your grandmother's actions are listed as symptoms. If so, it's time for a doctor's appointment. And, yes, it is REALLY time for more help in home or in facility. AND this help needs to be provided by your Dad and Aunt. Line up your options and get moving. As for a therapist, there are groups that do sliding scale fees, find one. And sign up for health insurance as of the start of the new year. Mental health is included in all of the new coverages. Keep us posted.

I completely agree with PS and Jeanne, DMV - as a favor to the community, job, notify family, and immediate exit plan.
Do this for yourself and grandma, try as you have, and without appointing blame, if she is falling all the time, this is not a safe environment for her. A single caregiver is not enough, the family needs to figure this out. Falling all the time is not acceptable.

You do need to move out, as long as you live there the family will expect you to have the lead role in caregiving, if that is not the role your are comfortable with, you should get your own place, that puts you on equal footing with the other grandchildren and your parents and aunts also need to step up. Do give them a heads up.

I have never been nasy to a caregiver's plight on this site. On the contrary I have always been 100% supportive. I read the post twice and all I can understand is that this person moved in with their grandmother because they had no where else to go and as soon as this person can, will leave. Not one word about being thankful for a temprary place to stay, just complaints. Yes caregiving is extremely difficult, but it was a choice this person made so they could have a place to stay. Grandma is nothing more than a nuisance to a temporary living solution and will be abandoned as soon as this person can conveniently leave. This person wants to move out , but can't due to finances. Who is taking of advantage of who? It is very hard to sympathise with a person whose only reason for caregiving is for a temporary place to stay and then leave as soon as it is convenient for them. Grandma is only a temporary means to an end. Nice way to regard a human being!

And what I read is that she moved in, due to circumstances, and stayed DESPITE her grandmother's conditions, without further assistance from the family. A desperate cry for help. When you've completely run out of energy and vitality and see no resources in sight, who even has the thought process to be grateful for much of anything. Especially when the rest of the 'family' chooses to ignore it.

This site is a place for help for those caregiving. TTT9 came on here asking for advice. If you really read her post Twice, then did you notice that she is only age 29? When I found this site, I thought I was young - age 46 - compared to most of the posters here- over 50. This young lady is just beginning her life. She must have dreams and now she's stuck with grandmother.

Ungrateful, user? Where in her post shows this? She stayed a year ago to help GM. After GM's surgery, she did the 24/7 caring for her. When GM fell, she had to pick her up all by herself. Do you know how difficult it is to lift an adult person off the floor? My father fell several times. In the end, I had to drag the single sofa to him so that he can pull himself off the floor. TTT9 is Only 29 years old and GM's children fled their responsibilities to their very own mother. TTT9 has no POA or Anything to help with GM's situation. And why on earth would GM listen to her? TTT9 is ONLY her grandchild. My father wouldn't even listen to me - his own daughter. So, I can see where TTT9 is at. I don't see her as taking advantage of GM. I think ALL of them are the ones taking advantage of TTT9.

TTT9, you are way too young to be caregiving GM alone. You're working now. In your spare time, start looking for a decent place to stay. Even if it means approaching the federal govt to help you find a temporary place to stay in which you will help supplement with your income.

In the meantime, please start calling around like the APS (adult protective service) and ask if they have brochures or a site to help you with GM. Also call the Aging Care in your area. Look in the phone book and call around. Start by educating yourself with caregiving and how to respond to those who have dementia. Your GM definitely sounds a lot like those who is going down the senile lane. Please watch the Teepa Snow videos. Know what you are doing is making the situation worse. As GM's main caregiver - you will always be the bad guy. Time to educate yourself and Plan goals : save $, use GM's money for ALL her expenses, find a decent place to move in to, find how GM is to live by herself (hence the Aging Care and APS), etc... GM will eventually need 24/7 help that requires more than just one person. We all feel guilty but remember, GM has children. They should be the one shouldering this responsibility. Because eventually, you might end up doing this with your own parents.

Not everyone here believes that you are ungrateful. I can see from your post that you are doing your darn best and everyone in the family has disappointed you. They abandoned you. And deep inside, you have learned where you stand from everyone - even your own parents. So sorry... ufortunately, that's nothing new. Most of us have been abandoned to caregive with no help from others. You take care, and start strategizing. {{ hugs }}

I agree TTT9 should not have to take on the full responsibility for a Grandmother with Parkinson's Disease. The rest of the family should do their part to help out. But living with with the grandmother, even temporarily is so much better than being homeless. No 29 year old should ever have to experience living in the streets. You think 24/7 caregiving is a nightmare, try surviving in the streets with the other homeless people.

Grandma needs around the clock care, in a medical facility. The next time she falls, call 911 and let them take it from there. Then, inform the hospital and doctors that you can no longer care for her at home. You will be doing your grandma a favor and she can get the care that she needs from trained caregivers.

Debralee Im shocked by your posts I had to come home to live as id lost my job ran out of money and really didnt have a choice but to come home until I got back on my feet? due to an accident then a burst appendix then mum falling and breaking her arm then a break in I am still here and now mums got dementia of course im grateful for all mum did for me and i have no problem looking after her but with no help and support from ANYONE i cannot do this for much longer and youre too damn right when I get money together I will get some sort of a life back so does that make me ungrateful,selfish?? WOW very shocked by your very unhelpful and hurtful posts. Gosh when ive had my heartattack I should just be grateful i had a roof over my head and all my mum did for me? NOBODY can do this job without help and support thats why its so bloody hard there are very few people on here with great support of course shes wants to get her life back but also cares very much for her grandma if she didnt care she wouldnt be on here?

Show me in Talk that talk9's post where there is any mention of being at least grateful to have a place to live and I will retract everything I said and apologise. Until then my heart goes out to the grandmother who is suffering a horrible disease that the gandchild resents and is ill prepared to care for and the rest of her absentee disfunctional family members.

Debralee, TTT9 never signed up to be a caregiver. I'm sure she was plenty grateful when she just moved in. At this point, she doesn't feel even one bit grateful because she has been taken advantage of by her father and aunt.

Give a caregiver the benefit of the doubt.

Fine. I apologise to you TTT9 and hope you find a way to move on with your life. You are far too young to be a full time caregiver to your grandmother who has Parkinson's Disease. I hope you can try and understand that the problems you face with your grandmother is the result of the disease and not necessarily her as an individual. All I can suggest is call The Counsel On Aging in your area for advice on possible services for your grandmother that will help give you some help and respite time.

Taking care of the elderly is sometimes like taking care of a young child. It is a thankless job and why it has to be from the heart. They don't have the presence of mind to say thank you; it takes all their brain power to do the most primary of functions. Your disdain for your family however, is not without merit. You may need to contact the area on aging in your city to see about getting some help for your grandmother and if you do decide to be head of her care then you need to be compensated so you won't have to work two jobs. The area on aging maybe able to help get you some help by relieving you for a few hours 2 or 3 days a week. There is help available especially if she has low or moderate income. If you exit where does that leave your grandmother? Do you think anyone will step in. Seems to me you are the best candidate or you would have to ask for help if anyone cared enough they would be there to help. The one to consider is your grandmother and not what anyone else is doing. You have got to help yourself as well as your grandmother and although that's a delicate balance somebody has to do it. I pray for your strength to do and wisdom on what to do for you both.

All good advice on this post, yet no response back from the originator. Maybe I should have stuck with my initial gut feeling and not give in to the "Giving the caregiver the benefit of the doubt"!

Debralee .. has someone recently taken advantage of your good graces? You're coming on very strong, here. It's been 3 days, over a holiday weekend. If it had been me, reading your posts, I'd've closed the site and never come back. I reach out for help and get slammed? No thanks.

(And, btw, if I ever post a whiney post, please don't bother to respond, I'm sure I'll have been entirely misunderstood by you.)

Debralee, you were way out of line, telling Talk off that way. This is a site where we are to be supportive of one another. My advice to Talk is to get a job anywhere, almost anywhere. Not prostiution or stripping but something respectable. Get an apt or live in a hostel. You are not all Grandma has, according to your writeup, she has your mom, your dad and your aunt. Let them step in. 29 yo is just too young to do this. Go to college, work part-time.

I had a place for a temorary home
Where turbulance was the unknown
I am so lost and alone in this place called home
I yearn for the freedom that I have known
Give me the strength to overcome
All there is which I have succumb
I see my future which I shall embrace
But will never forget that you gave me a place

Home health aides can help Grandma in the interim...if you cannot get a job right away and find another place. That will help you with a bit of reprieve. But when that aide comes, leave, go get a coffee, apply for work, workout...whatever. Just recharge. And in time, you can get that job and go...and you can still stop in and care for Grandma, even though you are being mistreated, you are obviously a good person and I don't see you walking away and not bothering to go back to check on Grandma...but Home Health is the way to go for immediate help. good luck.

You are too young to be sole caregiver for your GM, get a job, find a place for you to live, make a schedule of times for other family members to come in and care for GM, if you WAIT for your family to OFFER to help, well, they won't...look into GM's finances, that ought to get your Dad's attention, nothing speaks louder than using GM's money to pay for daytime care...have a sitter come at night, too. Look into Senior daycare in your area that provides transportation. I care for my husband, he is still in mild to moderate Alzheimer's, can do some things for himself, cannot be left alone, I have made suggestions to family and friends to "drop in" and then I take a few hours to myself, that DOES NOT WORK, I will schedule their "drop in" visits, pick the day, the time and call and have them come by, so he doesn't feel he is being babysat, I need time on my own, I am 62 years old with a 70 something Siamese twin, lol, 24/7 even with someone who is generally happy and willing to do things with me, well we all need a break from answering the same questions and looking for lost items...get yourself the help you need, the help Grandma needs...you and your family need to talk with social workers specializing in geriatric care, they can help find the solutions to your family's dilemma, it is the family's, not just yours...take care of yourself, enjoy your youth while you still have it! God Bless you

being a caregiver is stressfull. if you are not trained properly you dont see the signs of a meltdown you need help or you need to get out now. talk to your dad and aunt . tell them its time to think about grammas safety and place her in a home

First, Debralee appears to be a troll. Ignore the posts and any like hers. My answer to your question "How do I deal when no one is helping me?" is it not possible for one person to do continuously do all you are doing. I am in a similar situation and I am often criticized for my care-giving style. I also became unemployed but it was several months before I became a caregiver to my mom. My life changed overnight. My mom has her license but does not want to drive. I suggest getting in touch with your grandmother's primary care doctor's office and explain the situation concerning driving. The doctor may have your GM come in and perhaps your GM will list to her PCP. If the doctor considers her incompetent to drive the PCP can send a notice to the registry of motor vehicles to have her license suspended. It would be a big loss for your GM and I probably would tell your GM maybe she will be able to get it back if her condition improves. You really cannot reason with someone in a mental state like your GM. One time my mom refused to take some medication and so I said nothing and then came back about 10 minutes later and she took it. It also possible you may be able to get paid for your role as a caregiver. I found this out through a friend who is a nurse. She visits homes where a caregiver is a family member and is being paid by the state to evaluate whether caregiver services are actually needed. She said the caregivers receive $12 an hour. Many families hire a family member. If your GMs homes has been in a trust for 5 years she may be happy in an assisted living environment. If there is no trust or 5 years have not passed then the house can be lost to the cost of the coverage of nursing home or assisted living care. I think if you could get paid to help your GM and stay in the home you could make money and save money. I would check with the elder service organizations in your area to see if they could help with volunteers or respite workers. I have not done so but the only time I got a break was when I was hospitalized overnight. I miss my old life of being able to go visit out-of-state friends for a weekend get away. I rarely go out at night and I don't see friends very often. At this point, my mom is independent in washing, dressing and even cleaning house. I have been criticized for letting her do these things but she wants to do them. She can't do the things she did before. She does not read like she once did. She will read the newspaper or magazines. Last year, she was attending college classes. She used to be a whiz at numbers and well she is not now. Unfortunately, things would be easier if her power of attorney added me to the checking account. I would help my mom pay her bills. The power of attorney lives out of state and it just makes things really more difficult than they need to be. My primary doctor said I would crash or something would come up medically if I didn't take time for myself If you could get some outside help in and get paid for the work you are already doing I think you more than deserve the break and compensation. There also may be respite workers who could take your grandmother out for dinner or shopping to give you a break. I think your family should be helping you financially because if they look at the big picture your work is a lot less expensive than what a nursing home or assisted living would cost. Assisted living and nursing homes are not for everyone. No matter how nicely they are decorated it all comes down to the staff. If they are able to fill their beds with patients who are content to just sit by the nurses station all day long and be quiet than these are the ones they want. They will kick out someone disruptive. Also, a lot of patients get urinary tract infections when they are old and especially in these nursing home settings and it affects them mentally. I know you said you do not have health insurance. Please sign up for a plan under the Affordable Care Act. I believe if you do so now then you will have coverage starting January 1st. Ignore all the negativity about the new health plan. I lived in the state it was modeled after and I would not be able to get medical care without it. I wish you well. I know you do have plans to move out in February and I do not blame you or judge you for your decisions. Consider both options of staying and leaving. I am unemployed and I am unable to return to my former job and I would not be able to hold down a job because I would have too many medical absences. If you have been unemployed you may need some retraining which could lead to better pay etc. This might be an opportunity if you didn't have to worry about paying a huge rent. There are college classes online. Even if your grandmother gets angry with you please do not take it personally. She is probably very frustrated and confused. She probably can't help it. I have been told there are support groups for caregivers and some are held at the assisted living facilities and I was told you did not have to have a family member living there to attend. I miss my old life and my mom (the way she was before she got sick). so much. I am hoping my mother's medical condition will improve and this would improve her mental state.

welll first off thank you to all the ladies who have helped me. I apologize for not returning sooner, I actually do have a part time job at the moment and working on top of taking care of things here and then the holiday, I had no time.


Debralee..... you are crazy. I don't know what happened to you in life to be so evil and mean to someone you don't know who is obviously struggling.... well you are just a sad person.

my grandmother's condition is most certainly NOT my fault.... two weeks after I moved in she had a spinal fusion surgery... a MAJOR surgery... in which she was bedridden for weeks and I had to take care of her around the clock. THAT is why her condition has gotten worse. it is hard enough recovering from a surgery in general but when you have parkinson's, meds to take 6 times a day, and are old in age, that is going to take a toll on you.

thats about all the breath I am wasting on you.... I pray that you find some sort of peace in your life instead of trolling people who are going thru a difficult time.

ok... so for the rest. I have a part time job right now, am looking for a second job. it is hard when I work 8.25/hour 24 hours a week to save money but I am really trying. I have bene looking into the town my boyfriend lives in to move they have extremely cheap apartments ... I will live in a slum box at this point if I have to if it means getting out.

I don't have much esle to say except thank you to all who listened.

as for going to her primary doctor about things, I have considered it. Thing with that is, my grandma has told her doctor not to talk to any of us. My aunt tried once, and he looked at her with a mean look and ignored her didn't respoond. then the rest of the time he saw her after that he didn't aknowledge her. my grandma is friends with her doctor, garden buddies, so if I do go to him I have to think hard. I know he will listen to me, but doing something is a whole other deal.

my brother told him once he is scared of our grandma driving and explained why. the doctor said "I didn't realize it was that bad" but then has done nothing since.

with all these people not listening to me, and dismissing my concerns, it makes me feel like I am crazy. makes me feel like I am overreacting or something. I feel like they all think I am being overdramatic. but they don't hear the falls they don't see her faint or that she can't walk across a room sometimes without falling. it sucks.

I have decided for sure when I move out and I am done here, I am telling my whole family what I think of them, how they are not good people and they do not care at all about my grandma. I am so ok with not having them in myl ife anymore. they need to know that the abandoned her during this time.

I sometimes wonder what my grampa would think if he was alive. he would be so dissappointed in everyone.

thank you all I am going back to re-read some posts and take the advice you have given to me.... you all are wonderful people, minus crazy deb.

I also want to say, I AM grateful to have a place to live. I may not of mentioned that before, but I was frazzled in my first post, and my last post I was mad... but I have calmed and read more of the answers. and please understand I am grateful. everyday.

I feel though, as others have mentioned, I am being taken advantage of. my grandma, family, everyone think that because I am not in a spot to get out it is ok to just let me deal with it all since I am here.

I mention moving to anyone and they throw tons of reasons at me why it wouldn't work right now. no encouragement no "yea good idea" nothing... just "oh it wouldn't work because......" which shows right there they don't want to deal with this.

I have stayed this long not because I need a place to stay, I could live on my moms couch if I REALLY REALLY needed to, which would not be pleasent but it would be better than this sometimes. I would never dream in a million years of abandoning her.

I go to visit my friends or boyfriend for a night and all I do is think if she is ok. I worry she won't take her meds. I worry she will fall and I wont be there. I always have her on my mind.

mornings are worse and I have to work alot of mornings and I always have to leave when she is faint, and I worry all day at work she is doing bad.

so I most certainly am not in this for a roof over my head. I am sorry for calling you crazy Deb, that was out of anger. but please try and realize what I am going through. I am not at all trying to take advantage of my grandmother. I am trying to keep her alive.