My husband and I have been married 30 years and I knew my MIL (now 86) was a manipulative personality when we married. At the time, I was determined to build a relationship and treat her like I would want someone to treat my mother. I have put up with her drama, her inconsiderate behavior, her pouting, the snide, snarky comments to me when no one else is in the room, the demanding behavior, the lies and I have struggled to handle it all with as much grace as I could. I once drove 4 hours in the driving rain to spend a weekend with her and take her out to eat and the first words out of her mouth were a few very rude comments. I should have gotten back in the car and left, but I didn’t. I would not let my husband say anything because I thought enough grace would deal with it. While I did not say anything to her, when I got home, I told my husband I was done with it all because it is just hurtful after 25 years, she never calls just to chat or to see how I am doing, she just wants to talk to me when she wants something done (usually to save her money).
This past week she called me and said she had bought 3 pairs of pants and they were too long and would I mind hemming them for her at Christmas. I told her, I thought it would be best if she had them hemmed near where she lives because I have a bad knee and the doctor has told me to take it easy. Well, unbelievably, she said she would climb on a chair. Honestly, to keep me from squatting down, she would have to climb on my kitchen table and that is too dangerous (she is not very stable on her feet)plus the sanitary issue! Well she waited a few days and called my husband wanting to know why I wouldn’t hem her pants. My husband backed me up all the way and said it would be best if she had someone near her home do them for her. She wasn’t happy and said they were going to charge her $10 a pair and bless my husband he said well that sounds like a great price. She can very well afford $30. She wasn’t concerned about my knee or how I hurt it or if I even felt like doing it while hosting Christmas for several days at my house.
So of course, my husband and I expect her to “pout” at Christmas - I have 8 people coming for 4 days. I am not in a mood to put up with the drama, the pouting or her performance as the "victim" but simply want a quiet, enjoyable, stress-free holiday (for all my guests) and handle it without losing my cool. So, just reading this back it sounds so very silly but this has been 25 years in the making. I really just want everyone to relax and have a good time at Christmas but don’t want this middle school behavior to hold everyone hostage. My tendency is just to ignore her and not participate but is that the best way to handle it?
The trouble with your MIL is that she's never been told to Sit Down And Shut Up. You're doing that very thing now by ignoring her pouting.
Enough is enough.
Enjoy your holidays!
In truth, this is for your husband to deal with . He needs to say "Mother, just stop or I'll need to take you home. You can't behave this way in MY home".
think about it....you know that dog is coming over to you to shake off ... also, you know they stink...and once they shake off on you..you will also stink.
so..think wet dog and act accordingly.
Should confuse the heck out of her and you'll have her on the back foot all Christmas.
Seriously - base ingratitude coupled with thoughtless and self-centredness are very, very hard to take. They wear you down until eventually you just can't bring yourself to care for that person any more.
If there are signs of a tantrum during peak periods, another thing you could suggest is that she goes for a nap. I don't even mean this rudely, I mean an enjoyable nap (silk eye shade and lacy pillow optional extras) that might perk her spirits up no end.
It is not easy to do, is your husband afraid of her? Is that why he has let her get away with acting like a spoiled child all these years? Is she a spoiled child, a bully or both?
I called out an uncle in a crowded restaurant many years ago for his ugly racist comments. Everybody was afraid of Uncle Jim's temper, but I refused to listen to the garbage he was saying and have my 6 year old son exposed to it. We were a group of over 20 and everyone was shocked at what I did, but you know what, he never spoke that way infront of me or my child again.
She has gotten away with abominable behaviour for years. Time to put up a boundary and say no more.
I refuse to see either of my parents on Christmas or any other holiday. Too many years of snide remarks, off hand comments, and criticism.
"I refuse to see either of my parents on Christmas or any other holiday. Too many years of snide remarks, off hand comments, and criticism."
This is why my exfriend has no interaction with her 2 boys. Its been tense with the oldest for a while, he lives in same town. Youngest lives 2 hours away but can be distant. She has told me things she has said when she has been invited. She sees nothing wrong in making comments to others like "well its nice to "finally" see P and grands. You know even living in the same town, I never see them". A couple of Christmases ago her youngest son told her she was not invited over to oldest son's house because they didn't want the drama. No, she still didn't get it. Its never her. She ends up driving people away and I am one of them. She is not fun to be around.
Mahm,
My MIL would do the same thing, make her little comments when DH was not around. She came off nice but I could read between the lines. Then there was taking something I said when her and I were alone and twisting it all around so she looked good and telling this lie to my DH. Who by the way knew better. She was passive agressive and lied a lot. Was told by her sister from childhood. I stopped going to her house alone or being alone with her at all. Different person when DH was in the room. Best thing, they moved to Fla, a 2 day trip for us.
TG u have your DH on ur side. He needs to talk to Mom before Christmas and tell her she needs to be on her best behaviour.
I know you can't erase your m I l's presence but maybe you can somehow train yourself to mentally erase any irritation she causes you before it can sink in.
I'm a work in process with this but it's starting to help.
My oldest daughter is from another marriage. She was 4 when present husband and I got married. My MIL had her spend the night. Bought her stuff all yr long. At 8 it was small diamond earrings. She had been shopping with a SIL that had a 10 yr old gdaughter. SIL had bought GD some costume jewelry. She told my MIL that diamond earrings were a little much for an 8 yr old. MIL had been doing these kind of things for a while. I too said it was a little much but let her give them to my daughter. I didn't even keep track of them and she lost them. Oh well. Then comes along our daughter together. My MIL had nothing to do with her. No visits from Gma. No gifts thru out the year. Came an hour late for a BD party and finally...moved to Fla when M was 4. Then she wondered why M had nothing to do with her when she visited. Why, M didn't know her. Actually my girls saw thru her.
Dealing with this "issue" as well, I'm already preparing my "coping strategy". When I see the irksome behaviors, I remind myself that I have a choice in how to respond. I will extend grace as God gives it to me. I am not required to meet demands for my time or my services, but I can choose to help if I so desire. Complaints will be met with, "that seems difficult for you," followed by changing the topic. When the stress gets to be too much, I will leave for a "bathroom break" or to "check on something". I have already enlisted my husband's help to back me up during disagreements with my "extra grace required" person, especially in helping keep disagreeable comments from escalating into disagreements. I am remembering that I only need to keep it together for the time this person or these persons are in my home. I do not have to be "friends" with these people, but I do need to be friendly. They have problems, but I shall not add to the problem. I am hoping that setting these boundaries for my own sanity will help. Some might help you too.
It's very possible she is going to show up with the pants. Have one of the guests put her and the traveling pants into the car and drive her to a cleaners or alterations shop and take care of it. She has to be measured, so has to go. She can pay while she's there. If it's about saving a dime, then pay the money yourself and move on past the argument.
Whatever she says to bait a conversation, ignore and move on. Don't engage. She can be allowed to pout or join in on an amicable conversation if she wants. And remember whatever you say - say it through smiling lips. It is very difficult to have a hint of anger in your voice when you speak through a smile.
Way to hold a grudge granny. Ironic since this staunch Catholic eloped at age 17 and also had a shotgun wedding.
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Have you got any pinking shears? Cropped styles are very fashionable, I hear.