My 83 year old mother has mild dementia & severe diabetes. She lives 1 mile from me in her own home. I go to her house every weekday morning by 6:45 a.m. to cook breakfast, clean up the kitchen, etc. before I go to work. Every weekend, I spend hours there cleaning, cooking, & doing her laundry (she is occasionally incontinent & refuses to wear disposable briefs!) I take care of her house, her finances, pay her bills, drive her to doctors, order meds & basically take care of her needs. I take her cooked food from my home 3 or 4 nights a week. She refuses to eat the Meals on Wheels dinners, we tried them for 6weeks last year & she gave most of each meal to the dog. Every evening, I drive to her house to give her an insulin shot and her meds. She has been on hospice for 6 months now, but that only consists of the nurse taking her blood pressure & oxygen level twice a week and an aide comes once a week to help her shower. Some weeks, my mom refuses to let the aide give her a shower & the aide cannot do anything about it. The aide is able to give her one approx. twice a month. My mom gives herself a sponge bath a couple times a week. Twice a week, I wash her hair & curl it before I go to work. She refuses to let me help with a shower. On the weekends, I clean house & do laundry for hours. I recently asked the hospice aide to come 1 day a week to do a little housework. She comes on Tues for 45 minutes & cleans the bathroom my mom uses & will vacuum a room or two. My mother's dementia is becoming worse, she is no longer able to take her blood sugar in the mornings and she can't keep track of the date or time. She is very ungrateful for all that I do! I In fact, at least once a week, she tells me to get the H--- out of her house. I have a sister who lives 200 miles away and she comes to visit for 20 hours every 6 - 8 weeks. I have tried talking to my sister, telling her our mother needs her too and she uses excuse after excuse. Yet this morning, my mother told me (after I had cooked breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, swept the floor, made her bed, & curled her hair - oh yes and I did fold one load of laundry & put another in to wash!) that I don't do anything for her & that my sister is nice to her. See, my sister never has to tell her to do anything, such as "Let's change your clothes, please don't eat lying down, we need to wash your hair, etc, etc." My sister only comes to visit, she doesn't do anything -she cooks a meal out of a box in the microwave for dinner or carryout from the Dollar Menu! I have been doing this now for nearly 5 years! My husband is in Stage 4 kidney failure, he is trying to get on the kidney transplant list at this time, he has a prostate issue that is keeping him from getting on the list. As he is unwell, I have had to take over most of his chores as well as taking care of my house. I work 4 days a week, working lunch hours so I can be off on Fridays to care for my mother. My husband & I take care of my 5 year old grandson 3 or 4 nights a week while our daughter works the graveyard shift. Needless to say, I am stressed! My mother slaps my face or attemps to strike me at least once a week. She calls me stupid and tells me I don't do a darn thing for her! I do realize dementia is partially a reason for this, but she was ungrateful & abusive long before she had dementia! Putting her in a nursing home is out of the question as we do not have the money ($6,500 a month). My dad lived in the local nursing home for 17 months before his death, he never qualified for Medicaid because they own 2 pieces of real estate that are unsellable, they have been on the market for years! My mother still owes the nursing home around $80,000! When my dad was in the nursing home, I contacted four different attorneys trying to figure out how to qualify for Medicaid for my Dad & they all advised me that until the properties are sold and the money all spent, he would never get Medicaid! Anyway, I know I have strayed from my subject matter - my mother being abusive & ungrateful! Also, I am very concerned about her worsening health & fears about her not being able to care for herself at all! What on earth will I do?? I guess I wrote this mainly to get it off my chest! I would appreciate any & all advice anyone has to offer me!
What is it that YOU want? If you want acknowledgment from your Mother, I don't think you are going to get it. Is it enough to know that YOU are doing all you can for her? You listed a million things you do for her. You are obviously a compassionate, giving person. All of us here can see that. I acknowledge that you are not being appreciated for all you do. xoxo
Your Mother is sick, she's on hospice, she's a different person in her brain. Maybe she is in pain, afraid of dying, so overwhelmed in her own way that she flips out!
Try to keep it simple. Do you know the story of Mary and Martha in the Bible? It is a good illustration of what is going on with you, your Mom and sister.
Why don't you find that or google the story. You need to relax and quit worrying about making things orderly. They are not. Try to get a simple enjoyment with your Mother every day, even if it is a two minute kindness. People and animals react to our energy and angst. You are a very good daughter. Know that. Shift your own attitude about this and see what is most important in the big picture.
Slow down.
Trying to be reasonable with your mom is not going to get your anywhere. We can't be reasonable with someone who can't reason and she can't because of her dementia.
You're the bad guy because you're there all the time. You're the closest target. Your sister is not in the picture very much so she's the wonderful one. If you switched places with your sister I would bet that it wouldn't be long before she became the bad guy.
What can be done about that property? There has to be some way to unload it. If you don't you're going to have to move your mom into your home at some point because what you said about Medicaid is true. As long as that property is out there it's considered an asset. You may prefer to move your mom into your home as opposed to a faciltiy, I don't know. But she's going to continue to deteriorate mentally, as you know, and she won't be able to be alone.
From what you said these behaviors from your mom are nothing new really. It's awful that you have to do so much for your mom when she is such an unpleasant person. I see so many posts here about cargiving for a parent who is not a nice person. That must be so difficult and I think you're wonderful for stepping in and taking care of this stuff but I also think you need assistance. That's just an opinion.
Figure out what to do with that property and take the money and use it to get assistance for your mom in her home or help her into a facility. Her needs are going to increase and soon it won't be realistic to keep going over there and you'll have to help her move somewhere.
But in the meantime, bless you and know that you are doing a good job. Too good of a job! Slow down or you're liable to get down yourself and then what's going to happen?
Greengirl- I like the advice given here for you. Also- can you tell daughter you need to stop being the babysitter? You are spreading yourself too thin, IMO.
And if the land is keeping you from getting Mom in the nourishing home sell it for as low as you can go!! The profit will be eaten up by the NH anyway. Sell it cheap and then after that money is gone can you not get Medicaid for Mom? I really do not know the financial side of caregiving yet so I apologize if I am wrong.
You are a rock star!!! You are loving and caring and a super person but you sound so tired. Please take care of yourself!!!!
Many, any blessings to you and yours!!
(((((Greengirl)))))
"Mother calls my cell phone several times a day and even when I am out at dinner." So, I would advise to call Mother once, and check in, then, let the calls go. "No way."
Fast forward to my sisters death, new bath lady calls 911 thinking Mother was having a heart attack. That was 2 1/2 months ago. Mother is now, in assisted living and was even out in the common's area listening to someone sing. Anti-depressants have helped her irritability and being made to go to the dining room has helped her nutrition.
Good luck to anyone just starting this journey of getting their loved one care. My sister and I had to stay out of it and let a 50 yo grandson step in and get the care needed. (Neither of us live close.)
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