My youngest sibling is a nurse. She has become the gatekeeper to my mom who is dying of cancer. She had stated that we can do 30 min visits. They (my 3 siblings) all live within 15 mins. Stopping by for 30 mins isn’t a big deal. But driving 3 hours to stay for 30 is crazy. I asked them to share with the group when they plan on visiting so I could maybe spend an hour that day if one of them didn’t visit. Is this unreasonable?
First, as a caregiver of a parent with Parkinson's and moderate cognitive impairment, I will say that no matter your profession (RN or not) caregiving is HARD. So many things are outside of our control that we will grasp at any opportunity to make life easier and our LO a bit happier. Limiting visit times, when your mother is complaining about long visits, just makes sense. As others have suggested, you could spend the night and then visit on two consecutive days.
Second, as a family member who was deprived of visits when my aunt was in hospice, I will say that as much as it hurts to have your time limited, it all comes down to respecting the wishes of the patient. She didn't want anyone to even know that she was sick, let alone dying, and so my cousin (an only child) was made to not only keep her secret but also deal with her impending death alone. It wasn't easy on him, but he did it out of respect for her - she didn't want the visitors. What he also had to deal with - while grieving the loss of his mother - was the anger directed at him from other family members who felt that he should have told them regardless of what his mother wanted. Somehow what THEY wanted was more important than what SHE wanted in her last days. I would implore you to not hold this kind of grudge in regards to your sister, as she is just respecting your mother's wishes.
I understand how you feel. It's so hard to say goodbye and we so desperately want to say the things that are in our hearts. My much adored older brother died at Christmastime. I would have gladly flown across the country to spend 30 minutes with him to say goodbye. I was asked not to come. He was just so sick that he was uncontrollably agitated much of the time, and visitors made it worse. I called and left him a voicemail to tell him I loved him. I don't know if he ever heard it. I had to trust my niece (also an RN) that it wouldn't be helpful for me to come.
When you go to see her, does your mother ask you to stay longer? Or do visits tire her out? It seems you feel you're being pushed aside with the shorter visits, but your sister might have your mom's interests in mind. Even though she's a professional, this is likely the hardest thing she's ever had to do, and needing to keep the visits short makes it even harder. 30 minutes for a dying cancer patient doesn't seem unreasonable to me.
Would your sister allow you to help her care for your mom, or even stay with her while she does errands? Or can you help her with household chores, or babysitting? That way you'd be nearby, but not necessarily imposing a tiring long visit on your mom. Sister is doing a difficult but wonderful thing and she needs your support.
I'm so sorry for the impending loss of your mother. I hope you find peace.
I get you. Turn up & roll up the sleeves but there is more to it.
One issue is the long drive for a short visit.
Another issue (a BIG one) is the OP's own health concerns - that prevent being able to be the 'help'.
Yet another (big) issue is the OP's health issues are dismissed by sister & other family.
When my mother was dying of cancer, I made an open invitation to anyone and everyone who cared about her...............only two visitors showed up: heartbreaking.
Go, visit on your terms and then turn off your phone or block her.
Let the patient dictate the length of the visit.
30 minute visit limit to someone very ill.
Reasonable? Yes.
Driving 1.5 hrs each way to stay overnight/longer, or a special occasion day trip. Reasonable? Yes.
Driving 1.5 hrs each way for a 30 min visit? No.
This is just about the situation my out-of-town sibling faces, although visits can be a little longer (but less than 2 hours best).
I have been the one explaining shorter visits are better now! It IS a hard thing, but it must work for everyone to work well.
My out-of-towners stay with other family. If an empty nester I would offer too. If they did have to get a hotel, to be honest, I would consider that their choice & cost (just as I have when visiting people longer that a day trip distance).
I think the biggest difference to my situation to yours is no-one expects the out-of-town folk to be involved with care, to do any of the weekly stuff or even visit frequently.
But because we can have frequent phone contact, it is easy to forget the distance & I'm sure I am guilty of expecting attendance to something or other that crossed into not reasonable zone.
Flipping it around: 3 hrs drive roundtrip is just too much for a day trip for me these days.
So I would do an o/night stay or not go. O/night stay dependant on getting a family offer (not too often to prevent outstaying welcome) or hotel, not too often (prevent hole in pocket!)
Sometimes I think living +4hrs away is easier than 1.5!
One in-law thought it reasonable for their sibling to fly interstate to visit for every holiday, birthday or event - like 10 times or so per yr. Was told no. Xmas (or ev 2nd) + maybe once more.
What's reasonable for YOU?
Less frequent visits?
Visit if available/affordable o/night stay?
Or maybe a 2nd best choice of contact eg setting up video call 'visits'?
Like I replied to another poster.. if the sisters want you to have more contact with your Mom/parents, they will happily help set up video calls. ADD value 😁
However, if they shut that down, expect your bodily presence - why? They may want a servant or a work-horse.
Please read Trumans other thread.
Your family is unreasonable. You need to get them to understand your limitations. I would think with your illnesses, renting a Hotel room would be a big expense since you not working.