my mom thinks i owe her and must care for her because i was born the only child, she stonewalls and puts a blanket on her head when pouting, she plays the victim in everything and never takes responsibility for anything she does that is in error,but blames me for it , ( i wasn’t even around to have done anything… )she demands what she wants be done NOW and tells me to do 6 things at once. she then says I am not as good as she was taking care of her father and mother …. she accuses me of being angry when I feel irritated because she won’t follow doctor’s orders which has a high probability of hurting herself…. I am exhausted
I've often said I think it should be against the law for folks to have only one child, bc the only-child syndrome is packed with guilt, obligation and expectations set WAY too high for any human to realistically reach. I know, I was an only child for 65 years to a very difficult mother who lived to 95. Never with me, however, or I with her, or we'd have strangled one another. So mom and dad lived in Independent Senior Living, then Assisted Living and then Memory Care Assisted Living. I did no hands on Care for either of them but plenty of everything else, including doctor visits, hospital trips, dozens of ER and rehab trips, too much to list.
I suggest you check out this website:
https://outofthefog.website/
They have a forum there which is devoted to children of parents who keep them in the FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Parents who are never satisfied and always complaining how we're not enough, or doing enough, blah blah. Lots of helpful stuff.
Here is a link to another useful and enlightening site about ways to recognize and deal with passive-aggressive narcissistic behavior:
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/
It opened my eyes quite a bit and helped me to not internalize my mother's hurtful words or think less of MYSELF because of her opinion of me. Others opinion of me is none of MY business.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. You're not alone, unfortunately.
Treat her like the child she is acting like. What do when a child has a tantrum, let them have it. My Mom just went on doing what she was doing and stepping over me. When she demands now, look at her straight in the eye and say "when I get to it or have time Mom." And if she is capable of doing it for herself tell her that.
The doctor part, stop worry about it. She has choices and if she does not do it, oh well. When she claims she is having a problem, and she would not have had the problem if she had done what the doctor said, you say firmly and to the point "I don't want to hear it Mom. All you need to do is what the doctor said then...no problem." Read about the "Gray Rock Method". this is literally where you ignore her. Just go about your business. When she gets started, walk out of the room or if possible, leave her house. People treat us the way we allow them. When you say no more, mean it and stick by the boundaries you have set. Mom needs you more than you need her. Make sure your not enabling or disabling her. If she can do it for herself, she should be doing it.
Oh I love it! 😂
Who's that hiding under the blankie?? It's..... Mommy!!
Gosh I could have so much fun with that.
Seriously, I am sorry for your frustration. In some cultures, elder care falls to the oldest child, in some the youngest. Often a female, but sometimes the eldest son. Or eldest's son's wife.
These are but *expectations*.
With good communication you can make it known how much you are willing to do. What tasks, how often. Also what your limits are.
Direct communication with words has many benefits BUT I know this does not work for all cases.
Indirect communication can work eg like being less available or in serious cases, moving away.
Who is your Mom's PoA? Does she have one at all?
Please see a therapist so that you can identify and defend healthy boundaries for yourself.
I mean, was she once this kind sweet and benevolent woman? Because MY mother WAS. And she didn't change to the day she died.
So you are used to this and you can maneuver I would betcha. When you can't it is time not to live together any more. It's in your hands. You are smart. I trust you to handle it.