My mother and father both came from large families. My mom was the oldest of 8 and died just two weeks ago. Talk about a blow. She was diagnosed with her third round of cancer (beat two) only 5.5 weeks before hand. I traveled back to be with her (I live across country) and immediately her brothers and sisters started in on me. She was clearly dying and they were telling me how wonderful their relationship was with her and how she lit up when they visited. She was rude and horrible to me, telling me I was wasting money and to go home. I know that was the disease and meds talking but dang it hurt.
After she had a stroke and her kidneys failed, we were told hospice would be the best for her. My father and I made that decision after seeing her having to be restrained to stop from hurting herself. She was in horrible pain, out of her head, and screaming for me to stop people from hurting her. I remained strong for my dad but I will never forget that.
My mother's brother (we'll call him Steve) and sister (we'll say Tammy) wanted to be a part of the decision making. However, I refused and said the decision was my father's and that I was simply going to ensure he was okay making such decisions. When we returned to her room and I spoke to the brothers and sisters, Steve and Tammy told me I was being selfish and cruel to move her from the hospital to a hospice facility. They said I didn't love her and that I was going to cause her pain. I realize they were hurting but it really stung given that Steve said something similar to my mom when their mother passed away back in the 1980s.
At the funeral Steve refused to speak to me and shot me dirty looks at the pictures I chose for the video. He told my father that the obituary was poorly written and that I had been rude to him.
I spoke to my father about maybe moving across country to live with me. I could use his looking after me and of course vice versa. Steve, Tammy, and the rest have told me I am horrible for suggesting that. They said they will take him on and that I should quit my job to care for him full time. I'm not married. I have no children. I can't just quit my job and become a nurse. My aunt told me to get a job as a cashier and that would be better for my dad.
My father wants to try to live alone. He will for the next three months and then he's coming to visit me for 2-3 months. I told him we will see where we both are then and see if we can make it work. However, I again feel like this is between him and me, not his in-laws who are really making me angry.
I don't know how to cope with this. My father is going to be depending on these people for rides to the doctors he sees and small things. I will be managing his life the best I can from a distance. However, they want him to sign over power of attorney to them instead of me. They said they want to care for him and "will let me know" if I need to know anything. I have barely had time to react to my mother's death because I am on the defensive about these people.
Tammy basically told me the day of the funeral that my mother was like a mother to them and I would not ever understand their grief. I didn't realize it was a contest. I didn't realize I had seven new siblings when I was an only child. Tammy ran around the funeral checking on each of them and hugging them. She came up to me and asked if my dad was okay and if he was joining them for lunch. They are texting me to ask about dad but none have yet to ask about me or offer me any condolences. I don't know what to do at this point.
Do I insist Dad moves?
Do I let them take over his life and push me out?
Do I ignore them and continue to care for him long distance?
How do I figure out how to grieve and not go off on these awful people?
Establishing boundaries while acknowledging their grief with all the changes helped me.
Here are some tools/tips to help with the conversations.
I end up repeating some of her a lot when I feel they’re trying to out talk me into changing my mind about decisions I’ve made with my Dad. it’s especially effective when I make the statement and go silent with a smile. If they start again I strongly suggest we change the subject. It’s worked wonders with 2 of my aunts that are the family bullies. And I’m okay with them being angry because I’m not trying to make them happy, only my dad.
As for his care.,, don’t let them take over. Try to get him to come live with you. You’ll be happier in the long run. Ignore his siblings.
If he refuses to live with you, do the long distance route. It’s not easy but it can be done.
I hope this helps and good luck.
Boundaries:
Here are some examples of healthy boundaries.
Family members:
• ask permission.
• take one another’s feelings into consideration.
• are honest and direct.
• clearly communicate their wants, needs, and feelings.
• give each other space.
• avoid codependent behaviors.
• show respect for differing perspectives, opinions, and feelings.
Here are some phrases that might help:
Excerpt from the setting healthy boundaries worksheet link below:
“I appreciate your concern, but this is my decision.”
“I respect your opinion, but I don’t share it.”
“I will no longer be in the middle of family conflict.”
“Please stop asking/saying/doing _________.”
“I understand your frustration, but I am choosing __________.”
What are boundaries?
https://www.livewellwithsharonmartin.com/what-are-boundaries/
Setting Healthy Boundaries
https://www.betweensessions.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/Setting-Healthy-Boundaries-with-Family-Members_ad_040622-1.pdf
I also was criticized about an obituary (too long = $$$) and had family members make inappropriate contacts in an attempt to change a funeral that they refused to originally help plan. These are all red flags; this is strange behavior and shows a lack of ability to respect boundaries and work together as a team. Don’t let them push you around, there are significant respect and “control” issues.
Loving, caring family would say, “we fully support you,” “we are here for you” and “thank you for being such a wonderful child to my sister..”
You are so wonderful to stand by, protect and care for your parents in life and death.
So they think Dad just loves them a lot? That can happen to these people. He probably was just civil to them. My Mom thought that anyone that didn't argue with her, just was totally enamored with her (hah!).
I would not expect your Dad to look after you. He can help you around the house, however, saying things like "I can look after Dad" or "Dad can look after me", just reinforces to other relatives that you are not a mature, independent individual. He is neither a slave nor a child at this stage.
I understand your Dad wanting to live separately and independently from you. A parent who is able to live life respectably, doesn't really want to be a bother to their kids. What I would suggest is to look at independent living or senior homes near you or in his area. Soon, your Dad will need companionship and if he stays at his dwelling, he cannot help but be influenced by your relatives. (Think of a lone person with 5 wolves circling around the person.)
An independent living center could provide some companionship and activities with others who are not interested in taking over his life. If he doesn't want to move, you might need to help him assimilate into other activities in his area. Maybe he can volunteer. You don't say how old he is and whether he can drive or not, however, Meals-on-Wheels and other elderly food delivery services really could use his help, and provide some structure to his life.
If the independent living center is in his own city, at least he won't be relying on these well-meaning relatives for everything. If he moves close to you, you can visit, check in on him, yet allow him to lead an independent life while you also have your own independent life.
Find out what kind of health insurance he has and do your research. If he moves his address to a different state, his health insurance might have different coverages, maybe better, but also, maybe not so good.
I do want to caution you about your relatives. Your Dad could be okay with the relatives bulldozing his life. Somehow, you need to allow him to live the life that he wants to live, regardless of what you think. You need to stay respectful of his decision, even if it isn't the one that you would choose or one that is potentially has many challenges. The way I would look at it is, that you need to allow him to be the teenager getting his bearings, while you are the gentle parent who just ensures that he doesn't get into any harm.
If he moves, he probably will need help moving. Be prepared for a lot of "waffling". This is a tough time for him too with a lot of memories, however, I'm sure you already are aware of that.
Learningtolive, grieving doesn't have an end date. Grieving doesn't just disappear one day. Grieving changes over time as we learn to accept, adjust, and heal. TIME, suppport, care, concern, and healing is what you need. Even some grief therapy/couseling when you feel ready (just don't wait too long). Your relatives sound TERRIBLE, unkind, unsupportive, jealous, and selfish.
This is YOUR Father. He is her aunt and uncles BROTHER-IN-LAW; however, he is NOT their brother. Remind everyone who oversteps. You need to be in charge of your Dad and continue as his financial and medical POA. You and your Dad need time, need to communicate, to lean on each other, grieve, and g
adjust as best you both can.
I agree with you to give Dad a bit of time at his home. Stick with your plan to take him to your home home for a few months; see how you both feel and are adjusting at your home. Then have him move to your state permanently. Potentially move into your home together, and/or discuss with him his feelings about moving to an assisted living or senior community.
As hard and sad as this is, you've got this! Know that you are being responsible, supportive to your Dad, reasonable, rational, and doing what is best for you AND your Dad.
I wish you all the best and will keep youabnd your Dad in my prayers.
You and dad have a plan. He wants to stay there for a few months and then visit with you. Leave as is. He needs time to adjust to losing his wife before he tries to make another adjustment about location.
If there is too much drama with them driving him around or other errands, then you'll need to line up other transportation. Arrange uber type pick up, a friend, someone else. Once he repeats things to you that the relatives said to him about you, you'll know it's time to make other transportation arrangements. Grocery delivery, Rx delivery are a few of the things you can handle remotely.
These family members sound horrible - they should have been a loving support to you and the fact that they've shown their colors in the way they have is really all you need to know regarding any future conduct from them ...they'd cause more conflict than help. That said, after a significant loss, it's really important, if possible, not to make any major life decisions. After your dad visits you for a few months, you both may have more clarity on next steps for the best result. I don't feel under any circumstances you should relinquish your POA role to them or anything else. And, rather than their involvement, would you consider looking into assisted living communities for him?
The family you described sound so untrustworthy and terrible, that the least you can do to rely on them, the better - they don't treat you well...and if that's family, then I'll stick to friends any day. I have very few good family members, myself.
wishing you all the best ~
Learningtolive, grieving doesn't have an end date. Grieving doesn't just disappear one day. Grieving changes over time as we learn to accept, adjust, and heal. TIME, suppport, care, concern, and healing is what you need. Even some grief therapy/couseling when you feel ready (just don't wait too long). Your relatives sound TERRIBLE, unkind, unsupportive, jealous, and selfish.
This is YOUR Father. He is her aunt and uncles BROTHER-IN-LAW; however, he is NOT their brother. Remind everyone who oversteps. You need to be in charge of your Dad and continue as his financial and medical POA. You and your Dad need time, need to communicate, to lean on each other, grieve, and g
adjust as best you both can.
I agree with you to give Dad a bit of time at his home. Stick with your plan to take him to your home home for a few months; see how you both feel and are adjusting at your home. Then have him move to your state permanently. Potentially move into your home together, and/or discuss with him his feelings about moving to an assisted living or senior community.
As hard and sad as this is, you've got this! Know that you are being responsible, supportive to your Dad, reasonable, rational, and doing what is best for you AND your Dad. I wish you all the best.
it sounds like you have a very good relationship with your father. I’ve read a few of the other posts, and being the doctors think your dad‘s ability to live on his own is short term, my thoughts are I would make plans for him to move out with you. Before the others can poison him against you. Sounds like you’ve just kind of kept your head down and kept going. Sounds like that’s what you should continue to do - what’s best for your dad and yourself. God bless
My parents were not as supportive as yours about my moving away. My mother’s constant insistence, for over 30 years, that husband and I “needed to move home to take care of them”, became very damaging.
My comment to add is that, while there were many extended family members around my parents, no one ever lifted a finger to actually HELP them in any material way. No meals when they were sick, no coming alongside, no real visiting. Maybe a visit every month, and that stopped as their health declined, as they didn’t want to be involved in anything hard or messy. Just calls to me about out how bad things were. So the “family taking care of each other” in this clan was a sham.
So we were at a stalemate—parents refusing to move closer to me or my brother (which I understand), but also refusing to structure life in a way where they could manage without their children doing things for them. For instance, they fired the lawn care and snow removal companies I hired—and paid for—insisting neighbors wanted to take care of those things, and the hired labor didn’t do a good job. And of course, any discussion about moving to an easier to care for place or assisted living was totally shut down.
I could go on and on, but bottom line, they refused to engage in any process that would enable them to be reasonably self-sufficient. In their defense, I don’t think they knew how. But while they were surrounded by the family my mom refused to leave, this family was truly of no material help.
I suggest you watch over the next months to see how well they actually take care of your dad if he wants to stay, after the initial shock of your mom’s death, when their lives go back to “normal”. Maybe they will! At least for awhile.
With my family’s history, I have given much thought to this, and I think the world has changed. All of us need to manage our old age so that the demands on our children are as minimal as possible, IMO. As most everyone on this board says, be very careful about sacrificing your own life. Most children are happy to do a lot for parents. But needs and demands cannot become irrational or unreasonable. That line will be different for everyone, for every situation.
One more thought—when your father comes to visit you, physically take him to the places he might live. Do tours, eat where he would eat. Life in assisted living is pretty much all in the building, and it doesn’t much matter if it’s in your town or his. It helped my mom a lot to see the places, that they were fun and happy.
I'm now well aware of why my mother had not wanted her siblings to know of her illness in the first place. I'm facing the brunt of that decision and being blamed.
If they want to take him to doctors' appointments or bring him dinner, I'm all for it. However, I will be keeping that leash tight and keeping my eye out for any sign that they are attempting to make or influence decisions that are his to make. I don't want to make those decisions for him. I just know he is not always aware of his choices and the implications so I try to be a voice of understanding for him.
Standing beside a loved one through their death is torturous. Many of us have survived this. The sharp painful unspeakable memories you write about will soothe over time. You made the right choices. You will be comforted by the warmth of your love for your mom when the acute pain and horrors of her illness and passing subside. Time does heal and bring peace. Focus on your dad and that distraction will be a great crutch as you heal and a help to him in his pain.
As you make your next decisions, edit out the noise and listen only to the voices of the people you respect and who matter (including foremost, your own, your dad, professionals, etc.). You and your dad had the legal right to make all the decisions (for a reason) and you can see that nothing appropriate could have been accomplished if more people had been allowed to weigh in. The relatives’ bad behavior has discredited them for future decision making. Don’t let them in your head and don’t let them impact any choices. Also… Don’t let them rob you of knowing -in your mind-that you have made the right choices thus far.
These family members are like the personified trees in the “Wizard of Oz” that tried to hold back and pull Dorothy and her friends down and derail the journey. (It sounds like a witch and a couple chanting guards may have shown up too.). You may have even seen that the mighty and powerful Oz is just a middle aged guy making up stuff and is not worthy of your praise. What a wonderful metaphor Frank Baum gave us for the struggles of life.
Buckle your seat belt for any distribution of belongings and the estate. This was the ugliest part in my family and even led to lawsuits - there were more flying monkeys grabbing stuff than “good guys.” Keep in mind that the lion thought he had no courage, but he was the bravest one.
Sending you hugs, healing, peace and comfort. ❤️
Thanks!
First of all, I think it's great that more than one person wants to assist with your dad. In all honesty, the one's who are out-of-state do love their parent(s) but it's a different relationship when you are in the trenches on a continuous basis.
I probably have a different slant on this but if you can take just one thing away from my writing, then it was not in vain.
Your relatives probably consider you on the outside looking in. Is it really a viable plan to uproot dad and move him when there is a "clan" around him at the present time when he needs support. I like your idea of 2-3 months of staying with you, if it's feasible. If his health holds out and what kinds of doctor's
will he need, if any and will he know anyone? Will it just be you and him. He is going to need a life. A "new normal".
Basically, it sounds like at least your relatives are showing up! They say after a death (whoever "they" are) don't make any major decisions for at least a year.
It's harder on the man, when the woman goes first. Oftentimes, they don't fare well. Word gets out when there is an available man. That another's consideration. These things do happen--lots of casserole dishes! Dad may call and say guess what, I met someone in line at the buffet on a cruise and she just lost her spouse too.
You are not always going to get a group consensus and blessing with every decision you make for your father. A lot of people do not understand Hospice care. When a loved one dies you need as much support as you can get. Off-the-cuff comments about an obit or photo, this is not the time or place to throw stones. Brush it off but don't write them off either.
Is it practical to have an out-of-state POA overseeing your father when you are not with him on a consistent basis? I don't know. It depends on the dynamics of the family. It doesn't sound like a good idea to me. The "technology" of checking in with dad is not the same as sitting alongside a loved and breaking bread or sitting in the wait room because the doctor is behind schedule.
This is probably going to be a group effort. In all honesty, I think you are going to need these people, called "family". We all have these relatives that show up wearing the stripped shirt along with plaid pants and you say to yourself, don't they know the fashion rules. Join the Club honey, this is what family is all about.
This may not be as bad as you think. Of course, when a loved one dies everyone reacts differently. Tempers flare, every family is the same. Don't refuse any help.
You are an only child, you need them. It's going to be hard doing this solo, especially if you are both in different states. I would NOT write off the relatives, just let the dust settle.
There is nothing wrong with being a cashier but again I don't know what type of work you presently do. You really have to think everything through and maybe re-think their offers. You are not in a bad position. You basically are out-of-state just like half the country. This is quite common today. But that doesn't mean you love your father any less.
No one wants to be made to feel that they are not making good decisions. You need support right now.
You can make gradual changes along the way. What may work now may need to be re-worked a year from now. It's not a one-size fits all answer for bereavement and now that Mom's gone, "what do we do with dad"?
You are in my prayers...
As for me quitting my job to be a cashier as suggested by the aunt, I have no issue if someone does that. I won't. I have five degrees, including a PhD and am partially disabled (physically) myself. I found it to be a ridiculous idea on her part and proof that she does not know anything about me. Me moving back there is out of the question. I will never do that for my own mental health alone. I despise that place, the people, and the general way of life. Her siblings can do as they will, but they won't be invited or permitted to have any control over my life. I avoided them and tolerated them when they could not be avoided for the sake of my mother. To be honest, I don't have the motivation to even tolerate them now. The thoughts of them send me into a panic attack and have me feeling physically ill.
Yes, it would be hard on him to move here. However, moving here or not, his group of friends is smaller and smaller as he ages and people die off. It isn't going to be easy any place. So long as his health holds (mental, physical, and emotional), I'm willing to do what I have to do to keep him happy and safe where he is located. However, as my therapist said yesterday, if he needs to be moved, it is easier to do so before it becomes a necessity. So this will be revised often.
In terms of the POA, it is me or them. My father's siblings are almost all gone and his nieces and nephews aren't looking to take on another aging relative. I don't and he doesn't trust my mother's relatives with such things as money or health decisions. These aren't people who understand boundaries. I would literally be left on the outside and getting an occasional phone call about my dad rather than an active participant in his life.
This is a big shift for me to go from complete independence to caring for my dad long distance. Keeping up with his doctors' appointments alone is taking up time and energy that I didn't anticipate. However, I accept that responsibility and know that is what I want to do to help him. I am able to shop for him, have meals delivered, talk to him frequently, and even navigated through some paperwork with the help of a friend in the area.
As I told dad, I don't come by caring for others naturally. I don't have any children. I don't even do pets. So it is a learning curve and I'm aware the goal posts are going to change. I am trying to heal myself with the help of my therapist in the hopes that me being emotionally stronger will make it easier to support him too.
you're a good, kind person. keep following your gut.
and, i also want to re-post this quote i posted:
"Some of the most poisonous people
come disguised as friends and family."
---
have a great easter!! ❤️🙂
breathe in the good.
exhale the bad, the stress.
Don't do anything at all for now. You lost your mother two weeks ago, and it was a hard passing. Neither you nor your father should be attempting major decisions for at least another couple of weeks. Have you returned home yet?
For the first years of my life we were very close to my mom's siblings. Then it all fell apart over money disputes with my grandparents' deaths. My mother reconnected with her siblings when I was a young adult and I tried to be a part of their lives at that time. However, the older I have gotten, the more I have seen them for the problems they present. About 10 years ago I just quit seeing them except for the occasional one on one visit.
My mother was always very private and kept putting off telling her siblings she was sick. I made the decision when I saw that the end of her life was near. I felt they should know and that she would be very angry if she had been in the dark about such a thing in their own health. She didn't tell me she was upset about it, but I sort of guess she was based on previous interactions. I knew calling them in would mean they would try to take over so in that way I was prepared. I just wasn't prepared for how cruel they would be to me.
I don't want to pressure my father. His doctors have agreed that he is capable of living alone for now. My concerns for him are that relying on her relatives will be unsustainable and unreliable. From experience they jump in all hands on deck and then slowly tire of the jobs and blame each other. Secondly the two who are most likely to help are likely to try to wrestle control from me and keep me in the dark.
As an example, in the hospital room was a dry erase board with my mom's name, goals, etc. It also included information about who to contact in an emergency. My aunt continually erased my name and phone number (my father's lack of understanding of a cell phone meant I needed to take such calls) and replaced it with her own. I finally asked the nurse to remove the marker from the room so that she couldn't replace it. When I confronted my aunt after the fourth incident of this, she said she didn't know how they got her information on the board. Yeah because the nurses just pulled it out of their butts?
I spoke to the hospice facility specifically about this. My aunt spent the night when my mom passed away, as my father was too tired to stay any longer so I took him home. I expected a call from the nurse or social worker, but instead it was my aunt calling. I never heard from hospice at all. In the end it doesn't matter, but that was a blow in of itself. I'm glad my mom wasn't alone.
I think the plan for him to try things on his own for a few months is good. Then he can come visit me and try out "living" there instead of vacation like visits with mom. My schedule in the summer means I work 4 day weeks and have Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off. I also can work from home a day a week at least.
My mother also said to me “you shouldn’t be here” when she was dying of cancer. She had decided to die at home, and I moved in for the last weeks. She saw me as the ‘capable clever one’, more than my siblings who were not local anyway, and she wanted to carry her problems on her own. The doctor said “That’s what she’s doing now” and M did accept it when there was no real option. Forget the ‘mean’, it may have been quite different in her head.
Regarding the relations, your father also came from a large family, but it sounds as though M’s family more or less adopted him when they married. They have been close to him through M, and perhaps feel like they own him. If M bragged about your achievements, they may be out for revenge – ‘you may think you’re clever, but you don’t matter around here’.
When Grandma died “the family had a huge fight and split apart for many years”. It might be useful to think about the dynamics involved then, to see if it helps explain what is still going on. If your cousins “are happy to abdicate responsibility and obligations” to M’s siblings, and your M kept you away from that side’s functions, you really do stand out as ‘not fitting in’.
This is a very unhappy situation for you, but it could be best to think it through for your Dad’s best interest, once the immediate things are settled. If he has lived within this group for decades, is comfortable with them, and they do really care about him, it may be in everyone’s interest to leave him there. You are on your own with a life you care about, and moving him might be difficult for both of you. There are reasons why you moved away, and Dad doesn’t share them.
I’d suggest getting D to visit you in a few weeks, to give him a break and a change of things to think about. Don’t alienate him or yourself from ‘the gang’ before both you and Dad have a chance to work out what is really best. Try not to suffer from this nasty ‘gang’ behavior, without checking carefully what’s best for the future.
You wrote “ there are reasons why you moved away, and Dad doesn’t share them “.
OP wrote that both mom and dad were supportive of her moving away .
I see what you are saying about how the Dad may be more comfortable where he is. I didn’t think of that because I don’t see anywhere that OP has stated how her father feels about these people .
It could be like you said , that he’s comfortable with these relatives , but it just isn’t stated by OP unless I missed it .
But what is stated is that the mother helped keep distance between her daughter and these relatives , which is why I had the immediate thought that this man needs to be protected from these people . Dad could live near the daughter in independent living or AL and make friends.
OP said Dad is staying put for now then will visit her in a few months . So they are taking some time to make a decision . Hopefully the Dad is ok alone for awhile .
I like one of the other poster’s idea of moving Dad near you even if it’s in independent or AL , if he doesn’t want to or can’t live with you . I like your idea of telling Dad it would be helpful to you if he lived closer to you.
I would not leave him near these relatives since you say Dads ability to live alone is short lived anyway .
Whether these relatives are simply controlling type , looking for your Dad to pay them , or whatever . I don’t trust them based on how they treat you because you don’t participate in this strange controlling family dynamic .
So sorry for your loss and that you have had to deal with these insensitive relatives
From what you're saying, I think you're pretty much handling everything perfectly.
The behavior of your mother's siblings is absolutely disgusting. They are the ones who should be ashamed of themselves. Certainly not you or your father.
Do these shallow, selfish, petty POS's even realize that their late sister leaves a grieving adult child and a widower husband? No they don't because this is how selfish narcissists grieve.
Your bond with your mother is stronger than the sisters and brothers one.
Your father's bond with his wife it too. There's a reason why the words, 'let no man put asunder' is part of a marriage ceremony. Many times even when there has been divorce that bond between the two people is still there. I was divorced twice and the bond I had with both of them was never really severed. I helped care for my first husband when he was sick until he passed himself. We were divorced and I was remarried.
Your father was not divorced and he just lost his wife who suffered tremendously and fought hard. Her siblings should have some respect for her memory, her widower husband, and her child.
If these were my aunt and uncle I would promptly tell them to go pound sand.
It would probably be best if you tried to convince your father to move. He doesn't have to live with you he can move into a senior community near you if he still wants to be on his own. I would not leave him to be dependent on people like 'Tammy' and 'Steve'. I hope both you and your father tell 'Tammy' and 'Steve' to stick it where the sun don't shine.
You appear to be dealing with a passle of boundry-less folks.
Are they first generation immigrants from someplace? That MIGHT be a reason/excuse/way of understanding why they are this way.
One of our posters here always emphasizes that caregiving must work for BOTH parties, not just tge one being cared for. (THANK YOU, Beatty).
Read "Boundaries" by Towsend and Harris. It will give you some tools to work with.
There's no excuse or reason for their disgusting behavior. The husband and the child (the OP) left behind are more important than the siblings.
These people were way out of line and I cannot think of a culture where it is acceptable to behave with disrespect and contempt towards a grieving widower and the deceased person's child.
If your dad isn’t suffering from dementia you might consider removing this information from your profile. Otherwise, it’s confusing to posters who will believe that he has Alzheimer’s disease or another type of dementia.
My mother and father were very old school. I was told only what they felt I should know. The fact that my mother shared her cancer diagnosis (all three times with me) was rare in this family. So when she said things about my dad's cognitive abilities and memory, I believed her. I think now that part of the issue was her own abilities, including hearing loss that contributed to misunderstandings with him.
At this time the plan is for me to give him the next two months(ish) to try it out. When he comes to visit me, I intend to speak with him more in-depth and consider our options. My own health is not the best. I have considered telling him that I need his help and assistance to make him feel more useful.
He is a good man and works hard to live a good life. He's not what you would consider a very smart man. He is not able to understand technology (I'm talking washing machine, dishwasher, microwave, etc.). I've spent this time practicing with him so that he can better use these tools to live. But I'm not sure he can sustain.
In terms of money, he has enough to be comfortable. However, he's not a rich man by any means. He is more well off than my a few of aunts and uncles. Their comments to me are that he "always dreamed of moving back to where he lives now and moving away would kill him" and "he only knows you there and that would be too hard." I'm not sure who asked for their opinions but they certainly have them.
I know that my parents love(d) me and I am secure in that. Many years ago I quit going to family events that included the extended family. It was just too hard for me to deal with comments about me getting advanced degrees and not being married. I could deal with a few one on one, but never in the large group. I was instantly relegated to being a child and not respected because I was not married and did not have children. It seemed to be a theme. My mother recognized this and agreed that I should take a step back. For example, I would send a gift for a wedding or baby shower but would not attend.
When I was offered my job across the country, my aunts and uncles called and made comments to me that I was horrible for considering it. My parents were more than supportive. They visited twice a year and my mom was quick to brag about my accomplishments to her friends.
In terms of her siblings, they have a history of wanting to be in control. My mother was the same way. While I viewed her "control" as a loving gesture, their behavior has me on edge. When my mother's mother died the family had a huge fight and split apart for many years. My mother was a forgive and forget type of person. She never brought up issues after they had passed. I am the opposite.