Me and my bf have been together 12 yrs. We have an 11-yr-old daughter. By the way, my apologies if my paragraph is all over the place. I'm currently sick with COVID-19. Anyways, my bf's mom is in her mid-60s and she is currently going through a much-needed divorce from an abusive, narcissistic man. She has been with us for 2 yrs as their divorce isn't over yet and she is driving us nuts! Ever since I met her, she's always seemed a bit off. She is overly inquisitive! She talks way too much, asks the most obvious, unnecessary and annoying questions. Lots of these questions she already knows the answer to. She's like a frickin' robot asking the same thing to each person in her phone every day. She's been like this since I've known her. My bf works across from where we live and gets a 1-hr lunch and two 15-min breaks and he usually comes home to eat. Every day this woman asks did he go to work? Did he come for break/lunch? Anytime he steps out the door, oh where did he go? She sees me cooking dinner and asks what I'm cooking when it's obvious. She'll hear a noise from outside and ask, "what was that?" Like we know! If she goes to stay with a relative for a couple days, she'll send me and her son the same exact text at the same time. I can't even think of all the questions off the top of my head, but she asks a million dumb questions every day. You can't watch a movie or tv show without her talking about some random crap. If a song or theme song is being played she'll sing it every time. She is constantly making some kind of noise. She is really attention seeking (whether good or negative). IDK if she is purposely being annoying or if she's totally oblivious to others' feelings/moods. I've learned that everyone gets annoyed with her. Her kids, ex-husband, siblings, extended family, etc. I almost feel bad because it seems like nobody likes her. She has terrible hygiene. Halitosis breath that smells up the room. Her armpits stink like B.O. so bad. She is constantly buying cute clothes trying to dress like she's 18. She wears crop tops every day and short shorts. It's embarrassing to go anywhere with her. People just stare at her when we go out. She thinks that she's so cute, but these clothes do not compliment her age or figure. She has terrible saggy skin from head to toe. Back to her divorce, her husband constantly harasses her with threatening/rude texts. She wants to call everyone, even her attorney, to gossip and complain after she has been advised to block him. She simply won't. She asked me to block him for her once, but then unblocked him the next day! I'm thinking because she likes the games and attention plus she won't have anything to complain or talk about! It's like she cries wolf and likes to be the victim. I can't explain it all but I hope readers can get the point. She is on the phone from the time she wakes up until bedtime and she's telling everyone she talks to the same story! Her conversations have no point most of the time. She gives every single detail of her day, even unnecessary ones. Let’s say she's calling me one the phone and I answer, Here's an example: Her: "Hey, I just woke up at 8am and got out of bed and went pee. I stayed up until 12 am last night watching this movie," and tells me the whole movie from start to finish. She always refers to characters as he/she before she gives background to the story. She confuses me when she talks because I never know who she is talking about even in a real conversation unless she says their names. Then, after she spends 10 minutes telling me about the movie, she's going to hop in the shower and wash her hair. She's going to go wash her car at this carwash and get this amount of dollars in gas. Just on and on. You can't get a word in edgewise. If I say something, she'll override me or pause for a second and continue talking about what she wants to talk about. Or she'll disregard what I even said and change the subject.
some women are famous for trying to make life terrible for other women.
Do you want to be living with your MIL? If not, what steps have you taken to help re-home her?
My boyfriend works 6 days a week and is barley home so , I'm stuck at home with her as I work from home. I wouldn't mind her here if she wasn't so attention hungry and cared about her hygiene. I do not want to entertain a crazy woman all day and listen to her dwell on her abusive marriage while smelling her. She isn't my mother so is it my place to make decisions about her? Her son pays the rent and I pay utilities so I almost feel like it's more his decision about her.
Smile, nod, make small talk. Get along. Idk.
Otherwise.. start really pushing for her to move out to her own place.
In case no-one has let you know this important piece of info: You can't change other people. Not their personality, their outlook on life, their habits.
You can only change yourself.
So you can be happy you live in a multi-gen household (although very annoying at times) or not. You can accept your MIL lives there. Or not & push for her to move. Venting has it's place, definately. But action is the next step.
I had to have this conversation with my dad and it was the HARDEST conversation that I have ever had in my life. He called me a liar because nobody else ever said anything. What? So maybe you and your daughter can say something. I always offered my dad breath mints, gum, used essential oils to cover the smell, kept windows open, even driving in the snow and he was oblivious.
Maybe, have him present it as a medical and dental issue that she should get checked. Then have your daughter tell grandma she needs a tic tac and a bath, you too.
And if she doesn't have a lot of money there are low income senior apartments that she can apply for.
The fact that your boyfriend allowed his mother to move in tells me that he is more of a problem than his mother is, and that it may be time for you to reevaluate your current situation, and do now what is best for you and your daughter, And yes, that may mean that you will have to move out on your own.
And it may be just the wake up call your boyfriend needs to once and for all get his mother out of his house and to start making you and your daughter his priority instead of his mother.
And on a side note, just because his mother lives with you, doesn't make you a "caregiver" as it sounds like she's more than capable of taking care of herself, even though you may not agree with some of her choices.
This forum is for real caregivers, with real issues,(or at least that's what I thought)and in my mind this just doesn't qualify as a real caregiving issue.
Your boyfriend and you would probably be best served by going to some kind of therapy.
Hygene...this could stem from a neurological problem too. And dressing too young for her age could be because living with her husband lowered her self-esteem and she is trying to get it back. She probably could use some therapy too.
By SSI do you mean Social Security or Supplimental income. Two different things. Social Security will not be taken away but the Supplimental maybe once her divorce is final. If in her mid 60s she can collect Social Security and if 65 should be on Medicare. If not, she needs to be because there is a penalty for not getting it at 65.
40 yrs ago 2 yrs was about right for finalization of a divorce. In my state, at that time, you had to be separated 18 months before filing.
Is there any reason that this divorce is being held up? Is her husband contesting something or her? Hope she has a good lawyer because she does deserve some type of alimony. If they owned a house together, he either buys her out or sells and splits the profits. Time to get that all settled.
In my area we have HUD subsidized apts. Rent is 30% of your monthly income. So that is about $360 a month for BFs mom. She pays electric and cable. She may qualify for food stamps. There are food banks and government food give aways. And maybe she can get a p/t job? She would need to stay within her income level for the apt. though. Really, I am surprised that her husband has not had to support her until the divorce was final.
Your BF needs to realize that he may be disabling her. Even though BF pays the rent, seems like you are contributing by paying the utilities and you, too, work. BF and you need a sit down somewhere alone. Tell him you cannot go on much longer with Mom living there. She is driving you and his daughter nuts. She needs help because what she does is not normal. The one reason my nephew has never lived with me (he has disabilities) is because of his Hygene. My family is very blunt with him. He must shower, from head to foot, to enter our homes or if we take him somewhere. Maybe you and BF need to sit her down and be blunt. You must shower everyday. You must brush your teeth morning and night. Put on clean clothes. If you are not willing to do these things, then time to find a place of your own.
I will say though, that bad breath could be a sign of a health problem. If her breath smells like rotten eggs it could be gum desease and needs to be taken care of by a dentist. I really think she is due for a good physical labs and all.
For you, change your mindset. Your BF maybe paying the rent but you contribute by paying bills and having a job. So its your home too and you have a right to live in it without the constant chatter and smell. Your relationship is not new and you have a child together. Time to sit Mom down and say "this is not working". I would probably tell her she needs help. That the constant talking, not taking care of herself, bad breath and BO, are not normal. Her talking is like an anxiety thing. There are meds for that. Her hygene...its not fair that you have to deal with it. (I bet anything she touches smells, been there) If she refuses to see a doctor and a dentist, then you may need to say "then u no longer can live here". And, someone should go with her when she sees a Dr. Be in the exam room. Tell it like it is.
Its not up to you and boyfriend to care for Mom. She is still married and that should fall on her husband.
My advice to you is to get in your BF's ear about getting mom OUT of your home the very moment her divorce settlement comes through. Make sure she has other living arrangements set up for when that happens so that she's not taking ANOTHER few months to figure out where she'll live. Put earplugs in your ears and a nose clip on your nose and help her find other housing NOW if need be, to insure she's out of your home once that settlement comes through. To try and oust her out of your home now will likely be met with too much resistance (from her and BF) to be worth your while. Also buy a lot of Tic Tacs & other breath mints and offer them to MIL frequently. Also Listerine breath strips which I swear would strip the paint off of a car; those might help the rancid smell emanating from her mouth. Or a dentist's appointment, IDK. I'm sorry your daughter cries every time she smells grandma's breath.
Wishing you the best of luck trying to tune the woman OUT while you await her divorce settlement and departure from your home. Give yourself a time limit as to how long you'll spend with her, too. Don't feel the need to spend hours on end listening to her drone on; tell her you have to make an important phone call or something in order to escape! DO NOT make her stay with you too comfy, whatever you do, or she may decide it's TOO nice at your house to leave, God forbid! Also give her some chores to do b/c a house guest smells like FISH after 3 days and should pull their weight when staying with you!
It always amazes me to hear how clueless & out of touch some people are with regard to their own behavior. I hope the mirror in my house isn't lying to me, and that my breath isn't knocking a buzzard off of a sh*t wagon, honestly. Off to gargle now with some Listerine, just in case :)
You made my night with that remark Lealonnie! :)
Buy her some body wash, deodorant stick and suggest she use it. Above all live your life !!!
See All Answers