How do I delicately care for feminine hygiene for my friend after she had a mild-ish fall? How to transition from friend to intimate care?
Not a very comprehensive question and full of other questions, apologies in advance. I’ve received some support here before and am very grateful for any advice as well as helping others in their own scenarios.
Irene, 91 now, has been doing much better with a sholley (rollator) for over a year now, in fact she has two. A big one to get to the shops and a smaller one to navigate getting into cars from her front door/our front door etc. She has been able to keep up her regular routine of having something to do at least 5 out of 7 days a week, but has been seriously degenerating since she was unable to do her routine throughout the lockdowns, and I think I’ve mentioned before how we would do the shopping for her when there were queues to wait in and even take her to the shops after her first jab, (getting very frowned upon by others) and also take her out for a drive and visit her, but it just wasn’t the same for her as doing everything herself. It all went downhill from there…and of course aging, but she was taking the bus all the time until told to “stay home and save lives”.
Unfortunately the inevitable happened last Sunday and she fell over because the walking frame kind of buckled underneath her coupled with a dog excited to see her. She fell, but very slowly into a free standing coat rack with many padded coats that sort of cushioned her fall, but she clipped her lower back on a small ring around the bottom of the rack…at the time she was absolutely fine, and we did discuss that it might be worse tomorrow or in two days time etc. She had a fall around 6 or 7 years ago and was laid up for a few weeks. She had previously about 12 or so years ago broken her ankle from just walking down stairs.
Rib pain is no joke, I’ve been there myself and here in the UK they don’t do anything for it, usually, but maybe at 91 I should get her an appointment or X-ray? At present she wants no appointments and her own daughter has said there is nothing you can do. If you can breathe fine and walk around it’s fine etc etc, just have to get on with it… or so I’m led to believe.
The problem is that this happened on Sunday, she did have a bath that day, but it’s time to definitely step in for some hygiene now. And tonight she did tell me that she is worried that she “can’t get into the bathtub”. Although I bought her some items tonight that she had asked for, she told me not to visit, see you tomorrow. Tomorrow will be basically visiting her after 3 days lying down on sofa/bed I’m guessing. I’ve spoken to her two or even three times a day since spending 4 hours together on Sunday where she had some wine after the fall and said she was “absolutely fine”.
I am not sure what to prepare myself for as I consider myself a caregiver for her emotional/mental needs and physical needs as getting from A to B, but we are now moving into personal body care and I don’t know where to start.
I don’t know where to start with her because every suggestion or answer to her needs over time has been about a year to two year wait for her to accept my help. And usually she only agrees with me because her daughter says it’s a good idea. Her daughter has told her today that there is nothing to be done, without even visiting her. Her daughter is a retired nurse and lives about 40 minutes away.
So, she obviously needs some cleaning down under…are there some wipes that are recommended over others? Should I try to get her into the bath on my own? She is small & frail, but I’m sure she would love a bath after 3 days.
I'm sure she’s changed her panties at least, at least I hope so? I don’t expect an answer to that, but this is what has been going through my mind the last 7 hours since I spoke to her and she said, no, don’t come tonight.
Her bedding has been changed recently etc. I know she is eating, or is she lying? I will figure all that out tomorrow I guess, but she has been so stubborn in the past.
How did you all deal with the change from friend to intimate nurse?
11 Answers
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I agree, it may be time for your friend to go to a Care home. My husbands Aunt was in a beautiful one in Wales. An old estate previously. Her and her daughter are not going to admit there is a need if you help your friend.
Believe me, I have helped a friend and her family. It ended up being overwhelming. Yes we were retire but in one month we were taking somebody somewhere 3x a week. It started out just helping my friends Mom. Then my friends husband had to go back to work because her medical bills, so we ran her. then her mid 20s daughter had thyroid cancer and we were running her. (Long story there why she did not have a license) All this because my husband volunteered. We're retired. I no longer Volunteer. Too much expectation. Ask and I will probably do but I don't volunteer.
Your friend maybe frail but she probably is dead weight. I would not pick her up from a fall.
If her daughter is a nurse I am sure she is aware of the difficulty mom is having and if she thinks it is of concern she could hire someone to come in for a few hours a few days a week to bathe mom and change bedding.
But if that is not being done that is on the daughter not you.
If and when you go visit IF and this is a BIG IF....
If your friend Irene wants help bathing you can make sure she is safe while doing so.
A chair or bench in the shower or the tub.
Irene can undress and wrap a towel around herself.
You can assist while she gets into the tub or shower.
If she does not want you present you can leave and she can bathe.
when she is done she can wrap herself in the towel again and you can assist her getting out of the bub or shower. Make sure there is a chair that she can sit on so that she can dry herself then dress.
If she does not want a shower or bath there are ways to modestly give a bed bath to someone.
But this is all up to her
No doubt your friend would appreciate the help but, family members can make it hard for you with a complaint against you.
It is a sad world we live in that you need to think about fallout from helping those you love but, you do.
Being a friend who helps out is one thing. Becoming a total caregiver to this friend is a whole other commitment. Do you really want to do this for however long the friend lives?
Eventually though she is going to need professional care -- hospice, or something. (your friend, that is.) And you will not be enough on your own. Even you and daughter might not be enough.
I am unfamiliar with what's available (and how quickly) from the NHS. My husband's nan, I think it wasn't until the hospice stage that there was anyone professional over. She was one of those stiff upper lip types though. "I was born in this house I will die in this house" lived-through-the-blitz types. I had found her during one visit there that she had been sitting on the downstairs step for two hours.. even knowing we were awake she did not call for help. So, I understand the mindset -- at least a little bit -- of "I'll manage on my own" that your friend might be struggling with,
If you're really stuck in the situation, just get the toilet flushable wipes, or something similar, and just say you brought them to make it easier on her. There are "adult" wipes, some of them are pretty big coming out of the package too. A few of my mom's "baths" have basically been that.
Bathing her is not something that a friend should do. It's best left to professionals. They are trained to keep the patient from slipping, to brace them as they transfer into bath or shower, and they understand the fragility of an older person's skin, which can tear easily.
When I was in high school, I was required to take home economics in order to graduate. We had to pass a three-week course on home health care. Part of it was a bed bath. We practiced on fellow students. There was a right way to roll the patient, a way to handle the sheets and waterproof underlayer, a way to protect ourselves from injury as we moved the patient, etc. It was not easy. The last part was handing the patient a damp cloth so they could wash their private parts themselves. We were not to have contact with that intimate area. I didn't understand then but realize now that a patient might not comprehend that we were helping, could yell "rape" and cause problems.
As for doing this work yourself: are you qualified for it?
This program sounds similar to Council on Aging here in the USA.
When I saw this poster was from the UK I didn’t know the name of your service provider. I’m glad that you logged on the forum.
Our provider serves people ages 60 and up but there is usually a long wait list before being approved.
My mom was assessed quickly but we had a long wait before services were available.
I don’t think it is your place to be bathing her. Can your friend afford to hire someone to help her with her needs?
Unless both hands are unusable, she could manage to do a flannel-in-the-sink wash, right? If not, then what's going on? More decline than one fall?
Maybe some medical advice is needed + a referral for some home services eg 2 x week for bathing assistance?
Her daughter sounds like an idiot not wanting her own mother to get checked out after falling. What is your friends financial situation? Can she afford to have in home help?
It sounds like Irene's independence is disappearing and while it's nice of you to want to help you need to keep in mind that no good deed goes unpunished and while your intentions are good it may lead to health issues for you in trying to assist your friend as her ability to care for herself deteriorates. What with more falls, not being able to care for her own personal hygiene etc.
This may lead to potential back injuries for you in trying to do for her. Maybe even the daughter claiming you injured her mother. Plus your friend seems to be putting a lot on you and her stubbornness is a big red flag too.
I'm hoping some of our UK posters will pop in with brand names.