How do I drop my wife of 48 years off at memory care?

I commend you on making the right decision for her and you both, I know how difficult it is.

Although I have not had to put a spouse in AL or MC I have had to for three. My brother co-ordinates the move, I take the patient out to lunch and then we go back to their new home, sit with them and explain what is happening in a positive way, new friends, activities, safety and so on.

We leave and stay away for a couple of weeks to let them settle in, yes, we do call, after that we start visiting slowly, now we only visit weekly for a few hours.

You have to set your own parameters, we are down to two now, it has worked for us as 1 doesn't even remember who we are.

I wish you the very best, this is not an easy journey.

This must be so hard for you. Do you just need someone maybe to assist you from time to time to give you a little break? She is your wife, what would she do if it was her taking care of you? If you decide to take her to the care facility, there is no reason for you not to visit her. She might not remember you, but you do. When you visit her, it might give her comfort that someone cares and may look forward to your visits.

Totally understandable that you are on edge and confused.
Talk to the staff at the facility.
They have been doing this a while and they can clue you in on how most new residents adjust.
When I dropped my Husband off when I placed him for Respite the director of the Memory Care said he might settle down better if I spent time with him once I got him into bed. That did not work at all he wanted to leave. After several hours I left and I was told that he settled down and went to sleep after I left. So in our case leaving him to settle in on his own was the best option.
Since he had been going there for "Adult Day Care" he knew the facility and the staff so there was not the adjustment to the place that some might have.

No matter what you decide to do..
She will adjust in her own way in her own time.
She will probably adjust better and faster than you will.
She may continue to say "I want to go home"
what she probably means is she "remembers" "home" as a place and time where she felt safe and well. Reassure her that she is safe, that you love her.

Everyone that I know that has had to do just what you are about to do, has brought a friend with them(for moral support)and told their spouse that they were going to lunch which just happened to be at the memory care facility. After lunch the aides(who deal with this all the time)took their spouse for a walk to their new room which had been previously set up with things from their home(ie. pictures, favorite chair, etc.)while the other spouse and friend left.
And as hard as it may sound most places do recommend staying away for 1-2 weeks to allow your spouse time to adjust to her new surroundings and routine.
You of course can call everyday if you want to to check on her, but please give her time to adjust.
Many people come to the conclusion that their loved one must be placed in the appropriate facility, and eventually have peace about it. Knowing that she's safe, clean, fed and well taken care of is a HUGE weight off your shoulders.
You will now be able to just be her husband and advocate and not her 24/7 caregiver.
Praying God's blessings over you both.

This is one of the hardest things a person will ever have to face in this life.
It's better to just get it over with. In fact, it may be a better idea if you don't bring your wife to the memory care or even go along.
Do you have children or grandchildren who can take her instead?
It's going to be hard on her at first. She will be confused. There will likely be tears and tantrums as well.
Do not visit for at least two weeks after she's there. If you all and talk to her, keep the calls short. Only a few minutes. She's going to cry and carry on about coming home. You have to be strong and ignore all talk about coming home. You will also have to ignore this when you visit her too.
It will be hard for a while, but eventually she will acclimat to her new environment.

How much longer until she moves in? I'm glad that you have made this choice and that you've told her she is going to rehab for awhile. And most of all that you are not regretting your decision. That doesn't mean that it isn't a VERY hard decision and one filled with pros and cons.

I would talk to the staff about what they suggest. I hope the transition for both of you is better than expected.

Ask the guidance of the staff at the facility where she's going. Take cues from them. It might be that they could handle it the way teachers do when kids are dropped off by parents for the first day at school ever. The parent stays for a bit, the teacher distracts, and pretty soon, parents head for the door while the teacher involves all the kids in something interesting.

I had to drop mom off at Memory Care AL after she got out of rehab; she was living in the regular AL for 4 years prior and she loved it there, had friends, a lifestyle she enjoyed, etc. Memory Care would be a whole new world for her, and one I KNEW she was not going to love. I had a wheelchair van drive her over to the MC and I was already there. We made a big production about wheeling her into the building and the staff welcomed her, etc. I then brought her over to her new suite which I had furnished identically to her place in AL (although it was smaller in MC w/o a kitchen). So she immediately felt at home and not confused at all; she recognized her bed, her TV set, her clothing in the closet, her wall hangings, furniture, etc. We were off to a good start.

I then wheeled her into the activity room where tables were set up for lunch (it was lunchtime). She got to choose from two plates what she wanted to eat, and she was seated with some other women, which was my cue to leave.

She had her own landline in her room with her own phone number, so I did not have to go thru the front desk or anything to call her, and call her I DID. I also did not stay away for the 'recommended' week or two while they adjust b/c I felt like she'd think I had abandoned her. I visited her quite a bit in the first few weeks of her move in to the Memory Care, and reassured her that everything would be okay, that I was a 5 minute drive away or a phone call away, and there for her if she needed me. I think that, more than anything, gave her a feeling of comfort, to be honest with you, and she was okay for the most part.

When I worked in a local MC in 2019/2020, I was the front desk receptionist. We had many, many spouses who had placed their loved one with us out of pure necessity. Most of them would come frequently to the MC to visit their spouse and spend time together. They'd watch a movie or take a nap in the suite. Those that were able to would be taken out for lunch or ice cream, then brought back to the MC later in the day. That is not possible for ALL residents however, and not something that's recommended at first, but after they're settled in and adjusted, IF they are okay with coming back to the MC afterward.

So you have to figure out what will work for YOU and your wife, based on what level of dementia she's at, how upset or okay she is with the move, etc. You can take what recommendations work for you and leave the rest. There is no one-size-fits-all approach for everyone when it comes to placing a loved one in managed care.

It's tough, I know. Here is a link to an article with 50 tips on transitioning a loved one into Memory Care that you may find helpful:

https://www.seniorlink.com/blog/50-tips-on-transitioning-a-loved-one-to-memory-dementia-or-alzheimers-careyour-blog-post-title-here

Best of luck!

1.
Visit daily if you can. If you can't, visit as often as possible. Familiarity is important for most people who suffer with dementia.

2.
If she likes a favorite type of music. Play that for her often.

3.
Put an Amazon Echo or Show in her room, IF they have WiFi in the facility. If they don't consider putting in your own. For my mom, it ran about $60/month. I set up the Echo with automatic routines that played music, podcasts, audiobooks, and radio stations at various times. My mom was blind, so this worked out well for stimulation when I wasn't there (was there every day for 5+ years). ** If this is too complicated, consider a Simple Music Player. It is basically a giant MP3 player that looks like an old fashioned radio. It comes with big band music, but you (or someone you know who can help you) can change the programming to whatever you want that is available in MP3 format (e.g. music, podcast downloads, audio books).

Be thankful you can make that decision financially. What I have seen is memory comes and goes in bits and pieces combined with total delusions. There will come a time when she does not know who you are. That is when you move on.

I am so glad that you were able to find a MC location that meets your wife's medical needs. Dementia is a horrible, degenerative illness and almost always beyond the ability of family members to take care of their loved one safely at home.

While I cannot answer your question, specifically, I would like to offer some suggestions:
1. No decision you make at any point in time is final. Your wife's health will change and her needs will change with it. What you decide is right today, may not be right tomorrow. Instead of a set schedule, look for signs that indiciate what she needs at any point in time.

2. Realize that there may be times your wife may not do well seeing you, but there is always reason for you to visit. You need to get to know the staff that work the various shifts, learn the routine of the MC facility, build a relationship with the aides who care for your wife, discuss her medical status with the doctors and nurses, and monitor everything from her nutrition and medication to her hygiene and mobility. These things are as important - sometimes more so - than actually seeing your wife. That routine should be part of the care you continue to provide for her.

3. Ask questions. Ask the staff at the center how she is doing before you go, and as you arrive. Ask her geriatrician what to expect of her cognitive and physical changes. Ask dietary who she is eating and drinking.

There is no single answer for you. But, as you learn more through your questions and relationships with staff, you will learn how to take each day at a time. This disease forces us to learn this lesson the hard way. You will benefit your own health as you learn to go with that flow.

I wish you peace and patience in your journey.

Newtothis22: Dear man, please know that you are doing the right thing for your DW (Dear Wife). You've done a stellar job of locating a Memory Care facility.

Since she has memory issues, the problems you describe are more about your comfort and less about hers. Do what will help you with the transition. You might want to "visit" during the daytime, eat a meal together, and say good night daily until this routine feels more comfortable. Then, ease back to a couple days (or more) per week to whatever supports her needs... and yours.

I expect it must be a drastic adjustment for you too. I hope you find friends and mentors to help you both as you journey through a new phase of your lives.

There is no easy way..I am so sorry. Set a schedule to visit her {I do Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays}. Allow time for her to adjust. Allow time for you to have a life outside of the facility and her needs. I gave in to mental health counseling and go twice a month. Well worth the co-pay of my advantage plan. Friends and family really can not understand the sadness and frustrations that will arise. Counselors do! Good luck.

I read your question again tonight and "heard" it from a different tone than I did yesterday.

"How do I do this?"

Sadly, there is no manual that tells us how to handle painful moments like this. We each have our own journey. But I am sure your heart will break as you leave her there. You will feel like you are abandoning her. You will grieve for what could have been all those years ago when you said "I do" to each other but no longer is. You will grieve the loss of not growing old together.

And you will remind yourself that because of that love so many years ago you are now doing what is best for her. It won't be easy. I hope you can find some supportive family and friends who will be there for you as you adjust to your new normal. Please don't try to go it alone.

My heart goes out to you.
P.S. - as I read this last: do not absorb feelings of guilt. Acknowledge it and let it go. (Train yourself to do this and you an do this.). Its important. If people, even family people, do not support you, give yourself some space from them. This IS the time you need support. Come here for support. We will provide it.

I believe we all have are regrets and guilt. The best you can be for yourself and your wife is to let guilt go - do a visualization tossing it in the garbage. Visualizations are very powerful.

This is a loving gesture you are doing. And, it hurts. There is no 'easy as possible."

While I haven't gone through this (exactly as you are), I hope some of my shared feelings provide you support and knowing how much compassion I feel for you in this situation.

* The saving grace is that she doesn't remember and won't know this is a permanent placement. She WILL be as okay as she can be, and she will have 24/7 care.

* I am glad to read that you are 'not regretting my decision,' as I would imagine this is a difficult place to be, until one makes this decision.

* You will likely hear different scenarios as to what or how to do this from -
- Don't see her for a couple of weeks (give her time to adjust)
- To the many people that have been through this and how they did it.
- I believe the way to go is for you to feel - in your gut - what feels right.
- Give yourself time to feel, process, stay / return / be present with whatever you feel without judging your feelings. Let them flow through you. All feelings are okay.
- Do you have family? adult kids? grandkids?
- Perhaps join a support group for spouses in a similar situation as you are.
- Prepare yourself to be alone in the house. Make plans. Although be gentle with yourself - as a plan you make beforehand may not feel right in the moment. Feel through it; listen to your gut. Possibilities ...
- go for walks
- call friends
- sit and have your coffee and write in a journal
- Write a memoir or answer the question 'what do I want to do the rest of my life" which could turn into a novel.
- play golf
- play scrabble (my game)
- take a drive
- a walk along the beach
- gardening
- Take up painting, knitting, yoga
- Move - especially if you are inclined not to - get up and out and move.

* Consider what will bring you some JOY and HEALING. And, realize you are certainly entitled to feel JOY. And sadness, and the entire spectrum of feelings.
Allow yourself to feel them by acknowledging them and thanking them for being here - and there. While some feelings are - or feel AWFUL - they give us information that supports our well-being even if they don't feel good. You know? This is living on the razor's edge.

* If I were you, I would visit based on how you feel - check in with yourself and ask "Do I want to see my wife today?" If you don't, let that be as okay as the times you say 'yes, I do." She will not remember if you were there yesterday or five minutes ago. You do the visits and the timing of visits for you.

* Allow yourself to feel the confusion. This is understandable. This is a huge change in your life and that you do not regret your decision doesn't mean it is easy. It isn't.

* Consider getting on Next Door and MEET UP if these groups are available to you. It will help to reach out to others for support, going out for coffee, joining a group based on your interest(s), i.e., bird watching ... or try something new.

* Lastly, while it may feel totally inappropriate to say this now, do allow yourself to enjoy the company of friends - and new potential friends, even if they are women you might feel something for 'down the road.' Another woman friend will never replace your wife nor the memories / life you shared. Hopefully whoever you connect with will bring healing to both of you.

* Know we are here for you. Come back any time. Gena.