I believe grief drove my mother into depression that exacerbated the onset of dementia. She has lost over 70lbs, will only eat yogurt, lays on the couch all day, no self care, refused to leave the house, has become aggressive with me, her memory is exponentially worse, she believes people are out to get her, she says horrible things about herself, It can take hours to get her to pay just a fraction of her bills, she is not the person I know, I have tried calling agencies and am getting nowhere. If she were a child I could take her to the doctors against her will. As an adult it would be considered abuse because it would be against her will kicking and screaming. She feels I am "in on it and "know what going on around here". She is 76 and worked up until this all started, the death of her close sister and of my brother. in less than 1 year she has become this person who needs help to care for herself. I have been with her for 6 months and have not made any progress and gained no resources for assistance. I have asked her for power of attorney to assist her in bill payment and food shopping. She forgets passwords ever when she saves them in her password keeper. She is suspicious of everyone. It's a very long story best told by mouth than on paper but ultimately I don't know what to do. I want her to live with me. I am from out of state and have left my family. I can't stay here forever. I need her to live with me or things set up so she can live at home with aids and etc but I can't get anything in place with none of her information, no legal control, hipaa laws. Had anyone been in my shoes? What did you do? What do I do?
You came here for advice, and you've received lots of great tips. One thing is clear - she needs more help than you can give her at your home or hers. This isn't an unusual story, unfortunately. Many people have been through this exact same situation. Those that come back here later are often exhausted, have an illness brought on by caregiving, are financially depleted, and so on.
Don't let that be you! Get her into a facility and go home to your family. ASAP.
I don't mean to seem rude but please note: what does *she* say *she* wants to do? I.e. I'm not asking whether her plans hold water or make sense or satisfy your view of what she needs. It's important to investigate this, because as long as you're there scurrying around for her she can respond by being passive and not thinking about it, or even - as you've found - voicing resistance to your prompts and suggestions.
When are you planning to go home, by the way?
This does sound like a mental health issue. People have the right to neglect themselves.
Your being there as her "propper-upper" may actually be preventing her from getting help.
Elder Law can be an assistant.
Area fir Aging Agency excellent
Yiu might have to have her unfit, fir her safety court.
Telephone her PCP that was a great assistance / only takes two doctors signature. If she wouldn't go to doctors they will send Agency Contact to elevate her right there in home
Respectfully
Brown Sugar Pittsburgh,Pa
You may not need a conservatory ship which is expensive and long. If doctor believes she had dimentia but is still with it yo know her family, what a POA, will, trust is, and the consequences of those documents then get doctor to sign short document stating she is able to make own estate planning decisions at this time.
Then have her sign Durable Power to Attorney and elect you as conservator ship and have her specifically give you right to decide her housing. Make it effective either immediately or when two doctors certified her later as unable to care for herself.
This is your best option. Gone are days that dimentia automatically makes a person have to give in assisted living or take all their rights.
Millions of moderate and mild dimentia patients reside in own homes alone so long as not threat to themselves or others and can eat, dress themselves. Who cares the don’t recall dates and who Pres is. They don’t need to. Have meal on wheels come for meals if she needs that.
This set of help is a work arounds to more expensive conservatorship. Good luck.
Matilda
If you have trusted relatives that engage with her, ask them to video her when she's angry.
Contact an Elder Law Attorney where she lives and have a virtual meeting. This experience will give you an education on how you plan your end-of-life wishes.
You might want to visit some memory care facilities where she lives AND where you live so you know what is available.
There are programs that can help provide the funding needed for caregivers to come into her home (including family). They can also help pay for anything she needs to help her that is not covered by her insurance. The one we have here is called IRIS. Every state should have something similar. You don't need power of attorney to help her with food shopping or bills. You just need her permission and have involved in doing it with you.
I don't respond here often but your question struck a nerve. I also live out of state from my parents who are both struggling. I also do not have POA (make sure this is what you want). My parents also can not handle their finances and while one drinks and has memory and health issues, the other has undiagnosed dementia. Mom is slowly going blind (dad already is) due to their resistance to continue macular degeneration eyeshots to save their vision. I have spoken to a number of lawyers and here is what I think you should know.
Getting guardianship or conservatorship is not easy and it is expensive. In NY which is where my parents live, it begins with a retainer of $7,500. The actual cost can go over $15,000. This is your money. Then you have to understand that you will be totally responsible for your mom. You will have to visit her 4 times annually and imagine how happy she is going to be with you? You have taken away her independence. So most likely you will have flights to pay for and hotel rooms. You will also be preparing an annual report for the court regarding all her finances. If she has slipped up in terms of paying taxes or other bills you will be responsible for fixing these issues (my parents have not paid their taxes in 2 years). You are in a very difficult situation, I know because I live it too.
My advice is what I have been told by many people associated with the elderly. Something bad will happen and then you can hopefully gain some control. Talk to Adult Protective Services in your moms state. See what they can do to help. If you think she has dementia, talk to the Alzheimer's Association. They have a toll free number and they will send you information regarding services. Contact and familiarize yourself with the senior communities near your mom (or near you if you prefer to have her move closer to you). Contact a lawyer in your mom's state and see if they have a free 1/2 hour consult so that you can learn the state's rules for guardianship. Each state is different. You may find you have no control right now. If that is the case, your waiting game has begun.
You would think that APS (adult protective services) would be able to step right in and analyze the situation, but they really often have no control, even when dementia is obvious. The Alzheimers Association may be able to do a home assessment for you, look into that. In essence, what I have found is I have no control over my parents even though they are sick and in need of assistance. It's been 3 years of watching them swirl down the drain and even though the police have been called numerous times and they have both been hospitalized, nothing has changed.
So I wait for that bad thing to happen. I'm so sorry you are facing this but I can say that this website has offered me wisdom and a sense that someone cares. I am thankful I found it.
1. When she is "sleeping all day, non compliant, etc" consider calling 911 and have her transported to ER.
If they arrive and she is combative with them, this will be more documentation of her needs. Once at ER, have her assessed for " level of care needs" explaining to her that it is for her safety and well being. Confer with social services at ER re options for her continuing care given that you cannot stay.
2. Or, you could call APS ( adult protective services), report her conditions and status in the home, safety concerns, inform that you cannot stay and tell them when you will be leaving.
3. Speak with an Elder Care attorney to clarify your responsibilities, and need for decision making authority etc.
You deserve a life and are graciously offering for her to live with you. Be very certain about this, vs facility placement near you for many reasons. Look at all options.
Do not allow her to hold you hostage to her fears, grief, physical and mental health decline and needs.
Get help ! One way or another..
I am in a very similar situation with my mom. However, my mom is more agreeable with her care. I’m thinking of what I would do if I were in your situation. If she’s a danger to herself, which is sounds like she is, I would call the crisis team. The crisis team can come and assess her. That could be a start and maybe the crisis team could assist you further.
I hope this helps. Good luck and prayers your way.
It can’t change the DNA of getting dimentia. It just documents dimentia which make you as Caretaker have a higher level of care depending on severity of dimentia determined.
And there are traveling attorneys also to get things in order before your parent reaches level of severe dimentia when doctors certify as unable to care for herself.
You'd better see if APS offers an advice line in your area, and ask how to get her some form of crisis help in her best interests before she does herself an irreparable damage.
When you say you have left your family, I hope that only means you've left them behind while you deal with this?
1. If she wrote a Durable Power of Attorney previously you may not need more intensive and expensive conservatorship.
2. If she doesn’t have POA yet that let’s you help her once she is incapacitated, then ask doctor to sign document you write saying she meet Probate Code (in CA) section to still legally make her own decisions. This accomplished two things. One, she can then sign standard State POA to then let you help her AFTER two doctors’ determine she is unable to care for herself or on POA effective date. Then you don’t need conservatorship. If your mother agrees to sign this POA w notary, make certain it is effective immediately if you want to bypass need for two doctors (the law in CA) to have to verify her as unable to care for herself.
3. Ask doctor to sign statement that corresponds with State’s Probate Code definition of competency for legal estate planning which is different than other competencies related to five daily acts of life. Look up law in your State first online.
4. In CA our lawyer gave generic stmt with no letterhead, so one can get doctors signature, “I Dr. _.am a licensed doctor in State of __ and patient ____ had been my patient for more than seven years. Patient knows who her family is, what her assets are (with dimentia they still usually know they own a house or jewelry), know the nature of wills, trusts, Power of Attorney, knows consequences of her own decisions related to these. Signature and date.” Our doctor signs our form each visit.
5. Having dimentia doesn’t automatically mean patient is dimented nor looses all their rights or can’t live alone. Everyone has “right to make own bad decisions” a lawyer told us safety issues what matters most.
6. By getting this document you are also protected from being misaccused of forcing parent to sign POA.
7. POA can be effective either on day you and she signed or by certification of two doctors. Remember, legal duties you have go way up moment POA is effective. If she is that. Then you can wait months and have doctor re-evaluate and verify if doctor feels appropriate to have POA be active for incompetence Or, just make it effective when she signs with notary.
8. If mother still doesn’t do what is safe, take knobs off oven, stove, and knives out of house. Remember, the elderly fall in assisted living also. There is no fully safe place in earth.
9. And remember you still have lots of duties to her and to an assisted living facility if you place her there. Duty to pack up her home and sell is also huge. Is that what you want to do alone? Start it now. Hiring dumpster and more to remove craps when she’s not there to simplify sale and her move yet so she isn’t harmed mentally as much.
10. She will have problems in assisted living probably, bc it’s unfamiliar. You will be contacted anytime by facility to talk her down. So memory care and assisted living isn’t cure-all for your hassles either.
11. Eventually, time will come when moving or calling in palliative or hospice care is inevitable. That’s with severe dimentia. By then she will loose her much of her strong will. It is inevitable. So long as she is not threat to herself or others, can feed, dress, heat up food, not wander off, operate telephone, TV, she might be happier and it might be better to leave her in home and bring in person once or twice week for showering, meal prep, companionship for 4-6 hours so it’s not so financially hardship. Provide puzzle, Blink camera to ensure she is safe that you operate in your Alexa app on your phone. It’s also a backup phone if phone goes out. Amazon Alexa app,
Blink cameras are great for caregivers and patients to remain in home. You can do med reminders, deep breathing, jokes, news, photos, “Drop In” function to chat w parent even control thermostat, lights if you want. It can show you whose coming to front door, and make senior feel like they have a friend.
Tell her the doctor called and she needs her yearly checkup because of Medicare. Write the dr ahead of time and list all the concerns, much as you have now. Let him know you'd also like to have blood and urinalysis done at the same time you come in for the visit. You need to be sure she doesn't have any bladder infections going on (mental changes caused by that) or other deficiencies that could cause confusion. Include a list of all her meds in the dr letter you write and ask if any of those might cause confusion...or if there is something that could be added to address her depression and lack of life interests.
I never had any problem talking with the doctor with my mother in the room because I spoke up and provided answers to many things he was asking. He knew me from bringing her in all the time, so no one there ever even asked her to sign me as ok for info on any HIPAA form.
As far as bill paying, you can probably do nearly everyone of them via phone call and pay by bank account without involving her. Or next time she forgets a password, you go online and fix it with a password - tell her they are working on it, but took the payment from you. Whatever you have to say to her so she knows the bill is paid and she didn't have to do anything.
Now getting her to leave her home and move with you...that might be a little harder. Guardianship might be the only thing, at this point, where you could make her move in with you...or choose her NH. She may still be good enough in the brain to know she wants to live in her own home.
Remember that attorneys have one idealized view of the world, where no one can be forced to do anything unless they are declared incompetent.
But in the real life of elderly dementia care and even geriatric psychiatry, there is often a wide gray area in which practitioners will take action that you request, if your mother is clearly not in her right mind and your mother has no ability to go against it.
For example, if she has no ability to make a coherent phone call, or has no ability to drive to the bank and take out her own money, it might be easier than you think to trick her into locked memory care, and they might even accept her in locked memory care on the condition that you eventually get some legal paperwork together. Laws are different in each state, and you would be surprised.
in CA dimentia doesn’t mean you lose all your legal rights. People have right to make own bad decisions even if have dimentia so long as they are not a threat ti themselves or others while residing alone.
Legal competence is CA remain in effective even with mild and moderate dimentia so long as they know who there family is they know their assets, they know nature is will, POA, Trust and they know consequences of their own decisions in wills trusts, POA.
notice this had zero to do with five daily living tasks because there are many people who can’t do daily living tasks but are legally competent like paralyzed people and military men and women.
Each State us different. It’s best to hold off on the POA being activated or effective for your own sanity. To control a Senior has many legal consequences and duties on you as the POA holder. People are often too eager to get control bc they think the senior has memory issues.
so what id senuoe cannot recall date, time, events, what they are, so long as they are acting safe, eating, keep clean home and know who closest care taker family is. This is the modern times and seniors w dimentia stay in their homes much longer thanks to modern conveniences like Alexa, Blink cameras and fact most Te bit a threat to themselves or others in mild to moderate dimentia. Reps t their right to remain in own homes as Memory care and Asst Living retire you be available 24/7 also. It’s not a cure you think it is for yourself.
She may be on too much medication, or combos of meds that don't interact well. She may be taking the wrong dosages, or skipping them. Meds have severe mental side effects, especially benzodiazepines.
Snoop in her bathroom and bedroom, looking for pill bottles. She might have several practitioners who don't know each other, who are prescribing the same medications.
Start with investigating UTI and a medication review. Yes, you must trick her into a doctor visit, as others have suggested. Is a home visit from a medical practitioner possible? If worst comes to worst, can she pee in a cup at home and someone from the testing lab comes to pick it up?
I wonder if she may have a UTI.
If this works you will at least get her to the doctor.
How "aggressive" does she get with you? Is it enough that you think she might possibly harm you? If so you can use that to call 911 and say that you are afraid for your safety. Officers responding my decide to transport her to the hospital. Although she might refuse you can then ask that she be transported to "jail". I am sure at that point an evaluation would be ordered.
I strongly advise you to think twice about bringing her to your house to live. If she is diagnosed with dementia it is not easy caring for someone and if she is aggressive it can be worse and possibly dangerous for you.
Application for Medicaid if she has limited funds would be the place to start.
Once you have a diagnosis of dementia then you see an attorney, preferably an Elder Care Attorney and you can seek Guardianship at that point. And Guardianship is not easy nor is it inexpensive.