Assisted Living has been discussed with my 86 year old mother. She cannot walk unassisted without falling (may be polio coming back again) and she is losing her memory. I'm ready to put her in, she is disrupting my home soooo bad. My sister-in-law kicked her out because mom was to demanding. Well mom wasn't, I visited everyday and my sister-in-law was MEAN to mom, made her sit all day in a hard dinning room chair. No TV, nothing to do but look at the window. I have her sitting in a lift chair in front of the best view in our place, TV, puzzles, knitting, phone, anything she needs. But she's driving me crazy not remembering that this is my home. Anyway, she does not want to spend any of her money on a nursing home or anyplace. All her friends went in and didn't pay a dime. I can't convince her that her friends had nothing (I'd like to tell her -- remember that's why you didn't want to be seen with them cause they looked poor). She thinks all her money and "things" should go to us kids. I don't want anything, I have more money than she and my brothers have ever had. So how do I handle this? How can I get her on Medicaid so she can be happy and get it paid for?
Just work with your mom on understanding that she will still have money to leave to you kids, even if she won't. Eventually it won't really matter to her, but it's getting their head around large expenditures like that that are tough for them. They're used to living without a mortgage, paying little for groceries, and having minimal expenses. Suddenly everything is going to change, and change is difficult.
It took multiple falls and hospital/rehab visits and me backing away and letting her fail and be afraid to get her to come around. Sadly, you already have your mom in your house, so the job will be harder for you.
Also, if your mother requires a 2 person assist in transferring from chair or bed to wheelchair, she likely will not be a candidate for AL.
You have written us a few notes admitting that you really are not wanting to continue 24/7 caregiving. I am not blaming you. I couldn't do it for a day, myself and I am the first to think we should admit our limitations. I would simply not be capable of this at all. The point is now to make it clear to mother that you do not wish to keep her in your home.
Next comes the questions. Does she have dementia? Who is her POA for health care questions, her guardian or conservator? If you are none of those things then you need to use some of Mom's funds to see an elder law attorney. If it is too late for POA (in which your Mom must be fully cognizant of the powers she is bestowing on you) then you will become guardian or conservator and place her where you think she will be best served.
At this point the question is not really what Mom wants. Sadly you already took her into your home. So you will now have to do the difficult steps to remove her from your home. You will be a much better support to her when she is in her own living circumstances than you are able to be now. Your recent posts show you are becoming increasingly unhappy and frustrated. That won't be good for either of you.
Take it a day and a step at a time. Recognizing the problem is done. Making the choice is next. Informing Mom. Seeing the Lawyer and then lastly finding placement. Wishing you luck. A tough road, but it will be so much better for all concerned.
As said, her friends may have met the criteria for Medicaid which means they had no money. If Mom has money, you could place her in an AL. She may not be ready for long term care in a NH.