This year my Mom has noticeably slowed down and become more confused- no short term memory. She can't cook or remember meds/days/places. Dad keeps driving everywhere with her- all around Michigan, then to Columbus, OH for a family wedding, then against our wishes to FL with her. I had set up a car hauler with airplane tickets, but he cancelled the week before. Now they are in TX after flying to San Diego for another family event with my sister. My sister just said: "Mom SHOULD NOT travel anymore"! I agree, but when we tell him that it's not good for her, he says "This is the last time"...but keeps going. I am POA for him but he is for her. What else can we do?
Is there a potential that she would wander off at any time?
Is she able to get around easily?
Is it safe for her to travel?
If she likes the travel....
If she does not wander off and he is careful to keep her in sight at ALL times.....
If she is able to move around easily....
If it is still safe for her to travel and safe for him to take her....
I would say let this continue until there is difficulty with any aspect of the traveling.
I used to take my Husband for rides all the time as he always enjoyed car rides. When it became a problem as he would try to wander, or would not sleep in a hotel we stopped trips. When it became dangerous to get him in and out of the car I stopped taking him to the store and other little outings he used to enjoy.
I would say let them enjoy the last few trips, keep an eye on them when she is getting in and out of the car, if they are having difficulty then revisit the "time to stop" discussion.
This might be your dad's way of dealing with the illness..sort of a denial on his part.
If you truly think it is dangerous you could try to obtain Guardianship and then you would have control not your dad despite the POA that he has. (I would suggest this as the LAST option as it would probably ruin any relationship you have with your dad)
I would ask her doctor to talk to Dad. Or, if they can afford it, put Mom in respite care when he travels. Or even an AL permanently.
My dad still loves to travel but it has to be short days, like start after 8am and be settled by 5pm. He would go crazy if he couldn't get in his truck and go.
He was diagnosed in 2017 and I believe that he isn't progressing as quickly because he is having to process new data. There will come a day when that is not possible, but until then, have fun.
Then, take your concerns with talking with your Mom's Dr and see if he thinks there is a problem.
If not, then your Dad is probably just wanting to do all he can do before your mom gets worse and they can't go any more.
If your mother's vascular dementia is currently impacting her short term memory, but her long term memory is intact then your mother may do very well traveling to visit relatives or places she has known for a number of years. As my mother's short term memory degraded (with MCI) I became her "security blanket". My mother travels very well and just spent more than a week at her sister's home while I went on a vacation in spite of the fact she has almost no short term memory anymore. Your father (and other relatives she has known for decades) may be your mother's security blanket, the person she trusts and turns too when her lack of short term memory causes confusion. When visiting as a guest, she may enjoy the company of people she knows without feeling any need to cook or clean and experiencing problems trying to do things she now has difficulties with.
You mention your concerns but you do not detail any problem that has actually occurred on these trips. Until there are actual problems, I think your parents should continue to travel.
I believe you would do better discussing care options with your father to support their traveling (like a cell based fall monitor with GPS) and for WHEN your mother can no longer travel and/or needs constant close monitoring. Will your father want to care for your mother at home or place her in an AL/MC? If AL/MC then where? How will mother's care be financed? Begin gathering information on AL/MCs at the various possible locations and then visiting them. Develop a plan with your father for your mother's future care so when the time comes it can be put in action.
Work at having fact based discussions, not opposition discussions where you try to tell your father he's wrong. Ask you father if he has considered something, like the fall monitor with GPS just in case your mother doesn't recognize where she is and gets lost looking for him. Become your father's partner in planning your mother's care.
So Lizard, you have my total sympathy; my heart really goes out to you.
Rather than locking her up and letting her brain shut down and the world just close in around her, he is getting her out, showing her the world, giving her stimulation and therapy. Giving her the very best and the very most that he can. They are literally riding off into the sunset.
Many people don’t want their parents to get hurt or to be in danger. Many are put in a “safety” box, like animals at the zoo, where you can come and look at them in their cage to see they are still there. Maybe not happy, but still there, maybe not even “there.”
Enjoy every minute of this. Let their life and energy inspire you. One day this will happen no more. You will long for this. You will be inspired by these memories.
My Gram developed dementia in her later years. My family had the joy of moving almost every year while in the military. She and my mom travelled to see us every Thanksgiving. She enjoyed every visit and we did what we could to maintain her usual routines while also giving her fun experiences and outings. We did that every year up to the year she died.
I'd consult with an attorney to find out what the options are, if dad still refuses to listen to reason. Are you sure he's okay? No one wants to upset the family dynamic, but, if I thought my mom's well being was not his priority, I'd have to take legal measures.
I wish I had had the guts to stand up to my Dad-- he might still be alive and my Mom would have gotten better medical care, and would also still be alive and not dead before her time from dementia and lackadaisical pseudo-medical care. Good luck. Don't ever give up-- my mother just died last week after 20 years of dementia-- 8 to 10 of those years where spent in denial by the family and her husband. He had hypoglycemia-- you might wanna get your Dad a physical and bloodwork to the Nth degree... yes, he could be suffering from some delusional stuff.