4 years ago my Dad had a 911 event that made it clear it was not safe for him to no longer live by himself in his home as it was 2 story and all the bedrooms and showers were upstairs. He was stressed and didn't know how he would manage considering my mom was already in a board and care facility and he probably would need to sell his home in order to afford it. My wife and I offered for him to live with us until we could figure something out.
Since he was weak after his 911 event, he asked me to open his mail and let him know what were the outstanding bills and he would pay them. It was the first time I had a glimpse of my parents financial situation. I was under the impression that money was tight, but on the contrary their income stream was more than enough to cover care for both of them and they could be together. My mom passed away in 2017, but due to her incredible pension, my Dad still gets my mom's outstanding health & dental benefits and 50% of her pension. He himself gets an above average SS check as well as a small monthly private pension.
I am emotionally burned out and I feel duped letting him into our home 4 years ago when he has plenty of resources to go live his life. There is too much baggage from my childhood and teenage years to deal with him. We were told by social services that since he is a fall risk we cannot leave him alone for days if we want to get away to reenergize. It is stressful for my marriage as my wife is the only one working and I have been unemployed since 2017 after my mom passed away. We are running a monthly negative and I am burning thru my savings I had set aside for retirement.
Early 2018, I presented him with a schedule to get him to look at Assisted Living Facilities both locally and out of state where my sister and her kids live. He said he would need to sell the house to feel more comfortable financially to do this. (From 2015 thru 2017 he lived in our home for free. In early 2018 I started asking him to contribute but it is like pulling teeth to get him to and we usually end up in arguments.)
It took me 9 months to physically clean out his house (hoarders) but we recently sold his home. Needless to say he is still here and hasn't even looked at any of the brochures we had given him.
But if you wait for his permission to start this, or to do any of the actual work, you'll be dead long before he leaves your home.
Dad knows he’s got a great deal!
Set a a time limit for yourself and your father. In six month’s time (or sooner if you can), a new living arrangement for him will be in place, papers signed and all. .His things will be packed and labeled. The door will not be hitting him in the behind on his way out. If he is deliberately “forgetting” to look at the brochures, you will tell him you are choosing for him, then do so. Then, take your life back.
POA? Power of attorney is a tool to assist the mentally incapacitated. If you are looking into Assisted Living, you believe your dad has capacity.
First and foremost, he is your dad. Without him, you would not be alive— childhood with baggage, or not. Never forget that. It’s very important to every aspect of your life.
Are you blaming him of incorrectly representing his situation as one of financial irresponsibility while at the same time you also write that, at least partly due to your own unemployment, you and your wife are not currently living within your means and are spending your retirement money early?
Baggage from your teenage years? Were those years a breeze for your parents? Based on what you write, I’m guessing that you were a handful.
Duped because he didn’t feel completely financially secure for his future? Isn’t that the way we all feel? Your explanation describes your parents as financially responsible with secure retirement planning.
I’m guessing your dad took care of you (physically and financially) for more than the 4 years you have taken care of him. During some of that time you needed to be carried. For a short while at least, you too were a fall risk. You may have (like him) even had a “911” emergency —or possibly two? Did he charge you rent? Did he put you out? During your childhood, he also could not have left you alone while he “reenergized” on a getaway. If he and your mother went away, he would have also needed to plan for your care. Did he (and your mother) clean up after you for a period longer than 9 months?
Since your dad has the money, he could have paid to have his home professionally emptied when he sold it. Who forced you to take on that task? Who forced you to invite him into your home?
Why don’t you try honesty? From your own words...“Dad, this is not working out for me—your living in the house is harming my marriage. I don’t feel I can reenergize with you around. I haven’t gotten a job since mom died and your presence has made me feel emotionally burned out. As a result of all this, we are spending more than we are making.” You could add, “We are losing rent that we could be earning by renting out the room you are staying in.”
Your dad probably has no idea you feel this way. He probably will be blindsided when you share your true feelings with him.
Since you have no patience or tolerance for him, he will probably Live his best life in a more positive environment.
Your father had his wife admitted to a care home because he could not manage her needs at home (fair enough); and then moved in with you so that you could care for him..?
I should be ready to put on your Mrs Beyoudonebyasyoudid outfit. If he mounts any serious resistance to a fair, reasonable, sustainable plan he will have the nerve of the devil.
By the way though, he wouldn't be the first to be terrified of running out of money even though he's sitting on pots of the stuff. Money isn't only about the numbers, there's the emotional and psychological side to it, too.
Get in the car, drive to the most liked assisted living facilities and start forcing him to take tours. Just put your foot down and explain why. Such as you are not getting any financial assistance for him living there, which is wrong, and that he could receive better care in a facility. If he refuses, ask for some monthly rent. On the tours, he will find out the costs and might want to just pay you a smaller fee instead. You could also ask him to pay for a home health aid to come in so you are not so burdened. But, assisted living will have someone 24/7 to help him.
Good luck
Your responsibility is to your wife and kids not to blow your retirement and able working years supporting aging parents. It is selfish of parents demand we do this for them. It is expected to help out and guide them yes if needed, but to the detriment of our own futures no. My own mother-in-law lived with us for 4 years and was a constant strain on our marriage. She was able bodied but thought it was her sons “duty” to support her. I was supportive at first but in hind sight was a huge mistake from beginning. Changes the dynamic of the house; everything.
Finally my husband gave her deadline to move out and she found low cost senior housing apartment in few weeks time! She was mad at first but now she loves having her privacy and has worked out well.
Your dad needs more assistance, but there are “residential care homes” in some states that would be great for him. My Mom lived in 1 of these until she needed a higher level of care later as her Alzheimer’s progressed past the point of assisted living.
Definitely have him start using his own resources to support himself whether that be rent or a day worker so you can get some respite. Have a contract made up and notarize it since as he spends down his income he will need to document if needs Medicaid in future. Remember there is a 5 year lookback and he will not be eligible until he has under $2000 in assets. Any other income streams must be spent down or set up in special trusts: many other ideas but may need to have him meet with elder care attorney. Either way it has to be taken care of before you whittle away your own security.
Wish you the best on your journey! It is not an easy task and you are a loving son doing your best in a difficult time. My Mom would have never wanted to be a burden to us when she was younger and in her clear mind, but as they age they are not as rational. Many are happier once they settle in at AL since they have others to befriend at same stage in life. They are just scared of the unknown at first. I visited often when first moved Mom in and in beginning was tough. After couple months was much easier though. There were still bad and good days but was happy to have my house back: no incontinence pads to deal with and accidents on couch, could watch programs on tv without constant griping, no special meals to cook, and not having to jump up to assist every time she had to use the bathroom. It changes you over time and wears you down. Anyway I will stop rambling but there are many options and wishing you the best as you go forward!!
Let him know that you will get a few brochures and take him to tour the two he likes best.
Give him 1 week and if he doesn't choose a place. You choose and then make an appointment to tour the place and tell your Father of the Appointment and let him know that he can come with you or not but you will be deciding if he chooses to not go.
Then, sign him up and take him there.
You can't end up ruining your life because of his selfishness.
Also go see the assisted living places you are considering And if you like what you see, just make an appointment and take him. You can then let him know that he has two choices this place or a place by your sister. He might be upset with you at first but hopefully will start enjoying the sociability of his new place and you’ll be on better footing then. Hope it all goes well. We all know here how hard this is. And if he Is still at home and has another 911 situation, do not take him home if he is well enough to leave the hospital. Tell the social worker that there is no one to care for him. They will find him a place.
I wish I had a better answer for you, anonymous898674. I agree with the other poster that you need to stop allowing him to take your power. Stop being anonymous and be you, the person that can take your life back. My father's use of manipulation and guilt will no longer work on me. It doesn't mean I've stopped loving, it means I've started living again. Caregiving will suck the life out of you. Best of luck to you.