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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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When I read concerns like this on this board, the first thing I do is check the author's profile to see what 'condition' their parent/spouse has. Whenever I see Alzheimer's ALL BETS ARE OFF. Most no almost ALL Alzheimer's patients are out of touch with reality, but they still have "A" reality..... THEIRS!!
Vernon: your advise was solid. If you think you know how information is processed by the Alzheimer's mind, you might have another 'think' coming. I am no expert, but if MOM believes that something is wrong,and that "DAD" is stealing stuff, then that is her explanation for why things aren't in their place.
Vernon provided excellent advise on how to deal with this situation. There are probably other ways, but they may not work, or maybe they will.
VALIDATION is key in dealing with people with Alzheimer's. Letting mother know that what is happening (Dad stealing stuff) is a real concern without making a big deal of it. Like Vernon said: just tell Mom its 'too late' to move today, we can start tomorrow may work. OR... why not give her a box or two to pack up her 'valuables, so they can be put in a safe deposit box, MAY help identify what is important to her. Respect what she thinks IS important.
Don't ignore MEDICAL reasons for unusual behavior. Have Mom tested for a UTI. In so many cases unusual behavior could be the result of a simple UTI! Dehydration, and improper eating will also contribute to unusual behavior. Please check if this is the case. And be willing to dissuadethe fears of someone, after all we all have 'fears'
Rather than yet again trying to convey that her husband is now dead, I don't even enter into that line of thought with my Mom. Mom still doesn't know Dad is dead. In fact, as heartless as it likely sounds to most readers, I've done all I can do to ensure that his name is erased from her memory... by simply not ever mentioning it. After all, the less his name is brought up, the less his name once again finds some place within her current state of mind to reside... only to once again rise to the surface and become instrumental in some form of additional duress for my Mom.
For us, avoiding any line of thought that contains reference to her husband has proven to be the best stance I've taken in her care because it is far less stressful... 1) on her emotions because the reminders of his mannerisms, attitudes toward her, difficulties they've had, his very being... to say nothing of the ever 'new' revelation of his death which naturally only prompts ever new emotional duress and, 2) on myself because I know that constantly re-addressing that fact of his death - or even his existence - will only prove to ever again negatively affect her.
Obviously though, when positive considerations of the late mate are most paramount in memories and current considerations... the name of the mate should indeed be kept foremost because of the joyful emotional content the name spawns.
Stbabsee, I've offered the above information knowing that with respect to my Mom's predicament my actively lessening her memory of her dead husband has helped her and her current emotional difficulties... immensely. I certainly don't suggest your folks had an often negative relationship similar to that which mine experienced. Please forgive my inability to word things properly if I've conveyed such a thing. Yet, if you find some similarities, perhaps my words might help. Perhaps becoming proactive concerning the lessening of your Mom's memories of her husband might help her current day to day emotions.
Whether any of the above applies or not, and whatever their perhaps long hidden emotional history might or might not have been, I encourage you to consider not any longer stressing yourself out by expecting your Mom to recognize his death and finally understand this or that well enough to stop blaming him. After all, to be able to stop the blame, change and become more logical or reasonable in her assessments, she must be able to remember. Assuming she's like my Mom... it simply isn't going to happen. And I stress myself out to the degree I focus on trying to encourage my Mom to think properly and logically.
Instead, you might try to circumvent your Mom's focus of attention. When possible, try to anticipate and head off the blame game by redirecting her thoughts elsewhere. (I clearly recognize that especially in the beginning it is a CONSTANT battle, but as you likely can already guess, less so than constantly contending with the never to cease blame issue)
With respect to her desire to move, if your Mom has the memory mine does then consider explaining it is now too late in the day to move, but that you'll begin your travel tomorrow. You may do that 50 times a day, but you've valued her as a person by identifying with her right to direct her life... and enhanced her emotional content by so doing. And again, if she's like my Mom then you don't even need to worry about what to say tomorrow because tomorrow never arrives. You once again simply value her by agreeing with her decision to move... but, tomorrow. Mom has no concept of time so for her, this works well.
I hope I've been able to help... not open an uninvited can of worms.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Vernon: your advise was solid. If you think you know how information is processed by the Alzheimer's mind, you might have another 'think' coming. I am no expert, but if MOM believes that something is wrong,and that "DAD" is stealing stuff, then that is her explanation for why things aren't in their place.
Vernon provided excellent advise on how to deal with this situation. There are probably other ways, but they may not work, or maybe they will.
VALIDATION is key in dealing with people with Alzheimer's. Letting mother know that what is happening (Dad stealing stuff) is a real concern without making a big deal of it. Like Vernon said: just tell Mom its 'too late' to move today, we can start tomorrow may work. OR... why not give her a box or two to pack up her 'valuables, so they can be put in a safe deposit box, MAY help identify what is important to her. Respect what she thinks IS important.
Don't ignore MEDICAL reasons for unusual behavior. Have Mom tested for a UTI. In so many cases unusual behavior could be the result of a simple UTI! Dehydration, and improper eating will also contribute to unusual behavior. Please check if this is the case. And be willing to dissuadethe fears of someone, after all we all have 'fears'
For us, avoiding any line of thought that contains reference to her husband has proven to be the best stance I've taken in her care because it is far less stressful... 1) on her emotions because the reminders of his mannerisms, attitudes toward her, difficulties they've had, his very being... to say nothing of the ever 'new' revelation of his death which naturally only prompts ever new emotional duress and, 2) on myself because I know that constantly re-addressing that fact of his death - or even his existence - will only prove to ever again negatively affect her.
Obviously though, when positive considerations of the late mate are most paramount in memories and current considerations... the name of the mate should indeed be kept foremost because of the joyful emotional content the name spawns.
Stbabsee, I've offered the above information knowing that with respect to my Mom's predicament my actively lessening her memory of her dead husband has helped her and her current emotional difficulties... immensely. I certainly don't suggest your folks had an often negative relationship similar to that which mine experienced. Please forgive my inability to word things properly if I've conveyed such a thing. Yet, if you find some similarities, perhaps my words might help. Perhaps becoming proactive concerning the lessening of your Mom's memories of her husband might help her current day to day emotions.
Whether any of the above applies or not, and whatever their perhaps long hidden emotional history might or might not have been, I encourage you to consider not any longer stressing yourself out by expecting your Mom to recognize his death and finally understand this or that well enough to stop blaming him. After all, to be able to stop the blame, change and become more logical or reasonable in her assessments, she must be able to remember. Assuming she's like my Mom... it simply isn't going to happen. And I stress myself out to the degree I focus on trying to encourage my Mom to think properly and logically.
Instead, you might try to circumvent your Mom's focus of attention. When possible, try to anticipate and head off the blame game by redirecting her thoughts elsewhere. (I clearly recognize that especially in the beginning it is a CONSTANT battle, but as you likely can already guess, less so than constantly contending with the never to cease blame issue)
With respect to her desire to move, if your Mom has the memory mine does then consider explaining it is now too late in the day to move, but that you'll begin your travel tomorrow. You may do that 50 times a day, but you've valued her as a person by identifying with her right to direct her life... and enhanced her emotional content by so doing. And again, if she's like my Mom then you don't even need to worry about what to say tomorrow because tomorrow never arrives. You once again simply value her by agreeing with her decision to move... but, tomorrow. Mom has no concept of time so for her, this works well.
I hope I've been able to help... not open an uninvited can of worms.
V