Mom thinks his time is too valuable to take her on errands etc when he comes. I live next door to her and am around all the time.
We have family in our town, she'd rather go to lunch or out for social gatherings with them and rely on me for errands, dr appts etc.
She doesn't think we need anyone from an agency; someone who's reliable, vetted and trustworthy.
The family she has asked to help aren't reliable to show up.
As for relatives in the area, ask first if they can do dr appts here and there. Make the appts and coordinate with the agreeable relative(s) and don't tell mom until just before they are to arrive to pick her up. Tell her you can't get off and Aunt Sue is on the way to tak her. You can do the same with an agency who can take her to an appt or an errand. Don't tell her in advance - wait until they are nearly in the driveway. That way she doesn't have days and days to fret over it. Don't involve the unreliables at all.
My folks were but have now seen the benefits. As you said, big box stuff - much easier than lugging it home! Quite a few places have free delivery & even with a fee it still saves my folks fuel money. Dad had to take on being the shopper & he finds he likes to shop online at his own pace, rather than traipse around being bombarded by loud shop music & impatient staff.
Other than Dr. appointments, I stopped doing so much. I was almost spending as much time at mom’s as I was at home! So she had no choice but to hire someone to come in a few hours every day. I still went to Dr. appointments.
Without being nasty, they may we'll see it but as you are there, doing it all & doing a good job... well.. what's to change? This suits them fine.
But it doesn't suit you so speak up - it has to work for ALL of you.
I speak from experience after *helping out* became a *slippery slope* that ate my free time, then one workday a week, then weekend time too, then my head space.
It was like a collection of symptoms (need shopping assistance, appointment assistance, cleaning, bill paying etc etc). All together the *diagnosis* was she couldn't look after herself anymore. Real choices for a plan;
1. Get a team of helpers
2. Move to where a team is (ie AL).
Using me as a team of 1 was NOT working for me & obviously not sustainable.
Many chats ensued. But as I was still the easy/preferred option - no change. As other have said - put in your own boundaries. That is how my situation changed. Not all huffy like no no no but just speak the plain truth. "I work all week so you will need a team of helpers".
Please avoided the fall down the slippery slope - the further down, the harder up!
However brother doesn’t have to do the shopping in your town. Work out how to get the shopping list to him in advance, so he can bring things with him. I'm two hours away from the supermarket and have good cool bags so I can get even the frozen food home safely. Get your mother’s head (and her cupboards) organised so that you can see well in advance what she will run out of. Many posters have said that the person they care for actually arranges for emergency purchases so that they get more company with deliveries as well as the sense of power they want. You may still get stuck with the appointments, but you may be able to cut down your load. Try working out how brother can help more easily within his own timetable.
Obviously I didn't follow up and express any further interest with that firm.
And on a related issue, when I learned from my sister's oncologist that she was in a terminal state, the OM of the law firm at which I was then working told me to take off all the time I needed.
When my Mom stopped driving I set up one day a week for shopping and errands. Living in the same town, I could pick up her prescriptions when I was out. I worked a week on and a week off. So appts needed to be made in my off week. I found with one Dr. she was going every two months. Even the Nurse questioned why Mom was there. I told her "if he asks "so why are u here" the every two months will stop. He did, Mom stopped going unless she was sick or needed a new prescription for a med. Unless an emergency, I did things in my time. Other Drs, once her numbers were stable they allowed Mom to come 1x a year.
I now have a disabled nephew and a grandson with epilepsy. Both depend on us for transportation. Both call and tell me what they need. If I am not doing anything, I or DH will take them where they need to go. If I am going out later, I take them then. All appts are run by me. I tell them when I am going on vacation so they can plan around it. I am doing them a favor. That may sound harsh, but I get overwhelmed if I have too much coming at me. I do better planning ahead.
Get Mom a magnetic white board. Tell her to make a list of what she needs before she runs out. Because, you are no longer going to be at her beck and call. Call your Office of Aging and see what resources are available. Mine has buses for shopping and appts. Just need to give them 48 hrs to put u on the schedule. Mom needs to be as independent as possible. What if something happened to you?
Think about marshalling the assets you have, and although it may not seem so, your mother's friends are playing a valuable role in providing social interaction.
I would make a list of all that you do, consider how much your brother can do when he visits, and open a dialogue with him on how he can help out. The fact that your mother doesn't feels his time is too valuable is irrelevant in sharing the tasks, but don't tell that to either of them.
Don't ask, just tell him that she needs support and you can't provide it. If he's inheritance oriented, you might casually mention that having to pay for care will diminish her assets, now, and at her passing.
You might also try an alternate approach: your health is declining and you've been advised to get help for her. She nor your brother can challenge what she/he can't verify, so you can alter your health situation as needed. And add in a few "my doctor said I need to cut back on errands and rest more, so I can't do (a,b,c)."
Start backing off on the errands, citing your health, and gently inferring what might happen if you became less healthy and ended up hospitalized. If/when she asks how errands will be done, suggest that they precede or follow a lunch or social gathering with her friends.
I think it's important for someone knowledgable about a parent's health to accompany the parent to critical medical appointments so the caregiver can ask questions and be current on the elder's health. That could also be your brother, when he comes to visit, but think of what you do around her house that he could do on his visits.
There was only one time I relied on someone else for medical appointments, and it was only for podiatric maintenance. The drivers were friends of my father, but didn't need to know anything about other medical conditions. And, it was a social event for him.
That's another potential for integrating her friends for noncritical appointments that aren't diagnostic or issue specific. She and her friends can use it as opportunities for luncheons.
What I'm basically suggesting is integrating her friends and social activities to substitute for some aspect of the care you provide.
Put boundaries in place. Your plans come first, if Mum asks for a ride, during work hours, tell her no, you have to work, you can no longer afford to take time off. As long as you are at her beck and call, there is no reason from her point of view to pay someone to help out. So stop being available.
You set the day time you are available, not the other way around. Your time is valuable too.
If she misses an appointment it is on her not you.