Hi all...thanks in advance for reading. I am 50 years old, and live in a different state from my mom. She raised me and my brother after her divorce from my dad when we were very little. He was involved with us on weekends, and school holidays. It's sad to say, but I have very few fond memories of my mother. She constantly lived in chaos, all she did was yell, and cry (always about money)..."health concerns" (which were never major), and seek attention from whoever would give it to her (sad). I can remember always consoling her. Don't cry mommy...like I was the mother. She had several failed marriages, and boyfriends after my father, but of course, it was always "their" fault. Anyway, fast forward. She's still the same way. I dread calling her. Every conversation revolves around her health problems, and if she doesn't have one, she'll make one and "TEST" to see who will be there for her. I flew up to see her 5 times in the past 2 years to help her through her medical issues. She's happy in the moment, but reverts back to "my own kids don't care" a month later. I have a severely disabled teenage daughter that I care for. I have help, but not overnight, or for the entire day. She rarely even asks about her, but seems aggravated by the fact that my daughter consumes so much of my time. She's never ONCE offered any support, or sent a little thoughtful gift, and actually asks when I am going to place my daughter in a home. I am so resentful.
Then, she gets so angry at my brother, who works full time and has his own family to take care of. She is actually holding a grudge on him because he didn't sit at the hospital visiting her for hours and hours a day. He did what he could, after work, to visit but she was so miserable and nasty, that he was counting the minutes to leave. All she does is complain about us over and over like a broken record. It's all about her, and her problems, it's always been that way. I guess I'm burned out. I try to give her emotional support by calling 4 times a week, flying to visit her, send her money, pay her phone bill, aside from sitting bedside vigil, and making her feel a priority, she's never satisfied. I called her yesterday, and she started. I finally said..."mom, I didn't call to hear complaints...", and she hung up on me.
Then, the guilt pours in. I don't think I was out of line. What about my sanity? I'm supposed to WANT to call and take care of my mother, but I don't WANT to and I feel terrible about it. It's an obligation, and not a joy.
I think I would cut down on my calls. May be once a week. Why call if all you here is the same thing. When she asks you why ur not calling tell her. Same old, same old. Tell her ur tired of the abuse she hands out. No matter what you and brother do, its not enough. Tell her you both have families. Tell her its not easy taking care of a special needs child. She takes up your day. Your energies need to go to her. Mom has to do for herself and take advantage of services in her area. You will no longer be able to "jump" when she calls.
I read one time, a child will go to the parent who abuses them. Why, because they keep trying to get there love. Their are people that don't know how to love.
You are not responsible for taking care of your mom, period. She has you convinced from a very young age that if you earn her love, you will then be good enough. The real biotch about that, you will never earn something she doesn't have to give you. You have a daughter that needs you and a mother that could care less about either of you. Stop playing into her games, it will be very hard, 50 years of dancing to her tune. Start now and accept that she will never love you like you deserve, she will never appreciate what you do for her, she will never get what she is missing because she is ALL that matters in her world. Always has and always will be this way.
She has made her choices and lived her life according to herself, time to start dealing with the consequences.
Great big hugs, I have the same kind of mother, by the grace of God I figured out young that I would never please her and why torment myself fighting a loosing battle. You can do this. You are not responsible for your mom. You are responsible for you and your family.
Hugs!
Call no more than twice a week. When she manufactures a health emergency, offer to make a doctor’s appointment for her or call 911 and no more. Why are you sending her money and paying her phone bill? She has no income? If you access a website called Low Income Relief, she can get a free phone. If she collects Social Security, she will have to learn to live within her means without handouts from you.
You are, quite frankly, doing this to yourself. If Mom needs taking care of, hire an aide local to her. You can’t be two places at once and your daughter needs you. You can’t force your mother to stop acting like a spoiled child. But you can remove yourself from the situation.
Have you ever sought support, or therapy, or counseling to repair some of the damage and learn how to deal with maintaining boundaries with this toxic individual?
Your mother will not change. The only person whose behavior you have any control over is your own.
When you call, if she starts being nasty say " sorry, mom, I'll call when you're feeling better and HANG UP. Let her calls go to voicemail. Call once a week.