How do I get my sister to comprehend the safety of my mother?

Oh wow. I'd be very anxious about this in your situation. I don't blame you for being worried. What to do about it is not so clear, since you have already done the logical thing and talked to Sis about this.

Do you have any idea why she behaves this way?
Denial that Mom needs help?
Resenting you trying to tell her what to do?
Forgetfulness? (Does Sis have memory issues?)
Laziness?
Secret/subconscious wishes that Mom would fall?

Figuring out why she is doing this MIGHT help you figure out how to approach it.

I wonder if she would receive the message better from someone else. Since many of the trips are to church, perhaps you could talk privately with the pastor, and he or she could have a conversation with Sis, thanking her for her help etc. How would the topic of supervision of stairs come up? I don't know, but pastors are typically good at that sort of thing.

Does Sis go into Mom's medical appointments with her? Wouldn't it be good if the doctor or a nurse would tell Mom that she should have someone accompany here on outdoor journeys now that the weather is often frosty? And that she should especially have someone with her when she uses outdoor steps.

Would Sis listen to Mom? Is Mom able to remember and to ask Sis each time if she will stay with her down the steps?

Would Sis have room in her car to carry a walker all the time? (She doesn't haul a team of young hockey players around, for example.) You could purchase a second-hand walker similar to what your mom normally uses and Sis could keep it in her car. Then she would only have to make one trip to the car and presumably would make it with Mom.

This is really a frustrating situation, since the solution is so easy. Sis stays with Mom down the steps. No Big Deal. But bringing it about isn't so simple.

Good luck to you. If you come up with something that works, please share with us. We learn from each other!

When you say you've addressed this (on numerous occasions, I expect?) with your sister, what exactly have you said to her about it?

I'm wondering if sis is blanking it because she doesn't actually know, when it comes down to it, what she's supposed to do? And maybe mother shoos her off because having somebody incompetent grabbing hold of you is worse than nothing? There is a further point there, because if Sister just stands next to your mother like a lamb chop then she isn't going to support your mother properly or save her if she should slip or trip, God forbid.

I'd suggest getting some quick PT input - maybe for both of you, then you could set her a good example - to learn proper techniques for supporting people sitting-to-standing, standing-to-sitting, walking and on stairs. And maybe throw in getting into and out of a car, for good measure. If you don't happen to know any friendly physical therapists... you can probably find demonstration clips on YouTube or something like that.

Karbar, is your mom still living alone?

Just throwing an idea out there, but I wonder if your sister secretly resents having to be the taxi service for your mother.

CountyMouse gives a great suggestion about having training on helping Mom up or down the stairs.

There is also a useful video on how to do this -- probably more than one. The one I looked at is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWAuhtqTQyM It is on youtube, in a series called Caregiver/Family Training, an episode called Stairs.

I had our outdoor stairs replaces by a sloping sidewalk. That is an expensive solution, but a very practical one. My husband could use his walker all the way to the car.

karbar, your profile says Mom is living alone and has dementia. That combination is usually not tenable for very long. Do you and your sister have some plans for what comes next?

I take my mother to Florida for the winter with me, leaving in one week, but the steps off the porch are an issue all year round, she is unstable. Another example: my mother sang with the choir in church last week, they put a chair for her to sit while singing. I told mom to use her walker to get to the front of the church, she refused stating there is no room to put it so I asked my sister who also sang in the choir and sat with mom and I to hold onto mom to get to the front of the church to her chair and back to her seat. My sister acknowledged u derstanding and said ok. When they announced it was time for the choir, my sister bolted from her pew to the front of the church and left my mother behind. My mother Lewis walked to the front of the church about five pews. When she got to her chair two church ladies helped her sit down. When done singing two ladies helped her get up, it was then my sister just touched my mother because she saw others helping but she once again did not assist mom back. I would have helped her but it happened so quickly, I couldn't get out of the pew fast enough to get to her. My sister doesn't seem to have any common sense and seems to be very short minded. I have face to face to,d her she needs to supervise mom on stairs by standing in front of her, it just doesn't sink it. My sister is repeating stories to me over and over, maybe there is an u derlying issue.

So, Karbar, it really sounds as though your sister is having some cognitive/memory issues and is no longer a reliable caregiver for your mom.

As Jeanne said above, even in the early stages of dementia, folks are not really safe living by themselves. It sounds as though there needs to be a new plan for Mom.

And it sounds as though sister can no longer be counted on as part of that plan.

Can you talk to one of her doctors, privately, or send a letter or e-mail if you aren't able to attend a meeting. Ask for a home care assessment, including for PT and OT. Explain your concern about walking down steps, and walking in general.

Even if it's just a few visits, the therapists will walk with your mother, up and down the steps, in the house, and make observations. It might mean more if the suggestions for more safety on the steps came from the pros and not a sister.

I'm still trying to fathom why the walker is put into the car before your mother reaches the car??

My DH is on a walker and I don't put it into the car until after his butt is in the seat. And this is totally flat ground - not steps. He uses the walker to backup to the car-seat.

The only thing I can think of is your sister resents having to take your mother places. It sounds like resentment to me.

When I take my mother out, she goes down the (1) front step (my H designed a very strong railing to use) and uses the rollator to get to my car. When she gets to my car, she holds on to the car to walk around to the passenger side while I am putting the rollator into my trunk.

I may seem unhelpful to others when I don't help my mother get up from chairs when we are out. Usually someone rushes to her aid. Sometimes I tell that person that it is better if she does it on her own. Why? Because she lives alone and she can't rely on someone else being there to help her up. (PT has shown her how to get up from a chair.)

Also, I resent having to haul her up (just as I resent doing most things for her at this point). Sometimes it takes her up to 7 tries to get up out of a chair. I suppose she shouldn't still be living alone...

Does your sister realize what will happen if Mom falls and breaks something ? My Mom fell and broke her hip 3 years ago , it was the beginning of the end. Life for her and I changed forever. I hope someone can help her understand the supervision your Mom needs. Good luck.

Don't go ballistic on your sister. You will need her help as your mother continues to age and ultimately she will pass before either of you that is provided things go well. If you are concerned then maybe you could escort your mom to church? Or maybe you could arrange to be visiting during those time that your mom needs help getting into the car and you could assist. You also need to impress on your mom that she does not want to fall and break something. Try to get her to ask your distracted sister for help. You have to drum that into your mom's head because when you and your sister are not around? She may be up and moving without her walker....I know my mother in law would get up and forget to use the walker at night. Very scary. One night she fell in the kitchen, but luckily she hit the cabinet and only bruised, nothing broken.

Find the YouTube video "descending stairs with standard walker" and watch with your sister or just send her the link. I'm not suggesting it's the best way for your mom to navigate the stairs but it should show your sister that she needs to be by your mother's side as she goes up and down the stairs. Good luck.

The suggestions to impress on Mother and on Sister the importance of mobility safety seem reasonable -- unless you've worked a lot with people who are cognitively impaired. I agree with BarbB that both of these women are aprently impaired. It really isn't useful/possible to try to convince either one of them to change.

It is great that Mom continues with activities in the community, such as signing in choir. It is also great that the church thinks ahead about her safety, by having a chair ready for her. Perhaps they could arrange a spot for the walker, and assure your mother that that is what they always do when a church member uses a walker. They are very glad to have her in the choir, etc.

I wonder if the church could have a small committee of helper. When it is time for the choir to come forward, one of them would go to her pew and walk with her to the front, and also accompany her back to her seat. One could walk with her to the car, including down the steps (if there are steps). The entire committee could be trained in how to safely help someone with these mobility issues.

Most churches truly feel good to be able to help a congregation member. In a way, you would be doing them a favor to request this.

The pressing issue, in my mind, is to look ahead to the time when it is no longer safe for Mom to be living on her own.

I may be misunderstanding the situation but curious why you are observing how sis gets Mom in the car rather than running out and assisting her down the stairs, thereby setting an example? You say your sister is the person who does most of the transporting. As the family who is 5 minutes away and possibly shoulders the majority of Mom’s needs, she may be exhausted and overwhelmed. Suggestions from family members who aren’t as deep in the trenches, though well meaning, can really hurt. My sister lived 3 states away and I think someone gave her some good advice. She never, never criticized how I was doing the best I could. Our hearts were breaking together and she didn’t want me to quit probably! Sometimes meaning is lost in text. My words are written with caring for you, your Mom and your sister.

Agree with RayLin. The walker should be at the base of the steps, with just enough room for mom to step down from the steps, then access the walker immediately. It goes in the trunk only once she's safely in the car. Options include a ramp vs. stairs. We had one installed in the back of the house with a walkway to the garage when my parents were still independent but less mobile. Keeping it clean of snow was actually easier than keeping steps ice-free. Also, your mom and sis may need some education about the consequences and potential of breaking a hip at her age/health. Mostly, though, realize that if dementia is progressed it will take quite a bit of repetition to learn a new behavior such as reliably using a walker.

Karbar, it sounds like you are in the same town as your mother and sister. Your sister seems unwilling to learn how to correctly assist someone with mobility issues. Can you take over your mother's transportation? Your sister can assist in other aspects of her care such as meal prep or housework.

Maybe it's time to investigate assisted living for mom and sister together? Or sis is resentful of mom for some past transgression.

Why does she think Mom uses a walker? You may want to consider an AL near you for Mom. She will eventually not be able to live in her home and the steps are going to cause a problem. Does sister realize that if Mom falls she could break a hip which is a death sentence for some elderly. Who has her POAs? Does sister work? Maybe the added responsibility of Mom is overwhelming or she just doesn't want to do it. My husband was always saying "I worry about you". I had so much on my mind, I would blot out other things. Even when in AL, you still r responsible for diapers, personal things and doctor visits. Mom is not going to improve so it may bee good to look ahead.

Karbar, I hope that you come back to give us an update!

Maybe you could take the steps away and put a ramp in. But if there are stairs in her house, that would be another problem.

Sounds pretty identical to my life. As the oldest grandchild caring for my grandmom (who is pretty much my everything - mom, dad, etc. rolled up into one) I try to keep things as normal as possible. Since I work two jobs, depending upon where I am ~ ex: if it’s during the week, she’s with me - have her enrolled in a senior center so I know she’s safe while I’m at work. If it’s my weekend job, she goes with her daughter (majority of the time) or her son comes by the house. I have no issues with the son coming by, rather he come by than dealing with the daughter. My issue(s) are with the daughter ~ we usually meet 1/2 way so I can drop Gran off... daughter seems to think that since she is a (unlicensed) home aide, she essentially knows it all. Well, I’m the one that took grandmom to PT...PT gave us lessons on how to do things ~ proper ways to go up and down steps; exercises; and must use walker. PT also gave me a valuable tip ~ “always keep moving, cause once you become more sedentary - it’s the beginning of the end.” Well, long story short - her daughter tries to undo any progress (makes things unsafe). For example....my personal hell, she grabs her by the bad arm to ‘lead’ up steps. I’ve said on many occasions, when going up stairs, must be behind her. Try to correct her but she brushes it off. She even got pi**ed at me cause I made grandmom walk to her front door at thanksgiving (instead of pulling right up to the front door).

Her daughter kinda seems very much like your sister. Maybe try to get an open dialogue between you both - maybe she legitimately doesn’t know/understand.....be in denial or just doesn’t care about safety concerns. Maybe your sister is the type where one can’t tell her anything (cause she ‘knows everything’). Either way it has the potential to be a recipe for disaster under the right conditions. Definitely don’t go ballistic ~ it’s not worth bringing extra worry and stress on you. However, document everything - date/time/what you said to your sister/etc ~ so if something bad should happen, and she claims she ‘didn’t know’, you can pull up your ‘proof’ that she was told. In my case, not only do I document on paper, I also save all text messages to her when I bring up the topic of safety - my concerns as well as her ‘response’. It’s a horrible thing to suggest but you should make sure you have all your bases covered. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Side note: Grandmom (95 at the time, presently 96) spent a month in a short term rehab earlier this year after a bout of c-difficile colitis. Among her therapies, she was given exercises to keep up strength/stay mobile.... she (and I) was also taught the proper way to get in/out of a car. On my days off, would go to visit her and PT would reinforce their therapy lessons, using my car. Basic idea being that she goes to the car door, turns around (her back is right at the edge, very close to the passenger seat) and slowly sits down. Getting her out...can be a struggle, even with the proper lessons (...she has a bad shoulder, making it hard to get up). Her daughter has a fairly big SUV (which can make things difficult) but I carry a step stool in my car to make getting in/out of the suv easier.

Only other advice I can give ~ look into a PT/OT evaluations. Get their advice/exercises. Takes notes, ask questions. Involve your sister in the process too. Hopefully it will make a difference.

Forgot to add... if it’s a long distance to the car, get a transport chair. Get the chair outside first, then set it up at the bottom of the steps. Then help mom to the bottom of the steps and into the chair to get to the car. Depending upon the set up, maybe invest in a portable ramp (so you won’t have to stress about the steps too much).

Either way, it’s a tough situation to be in.... good luck.

The purse should NOT be carried by the elder. There is a certain protocol of care when handling an elder using a walker---how to position, etc. However, anytime it's icy the elder should not be going outside. That is a huge fall risk.

Karbar, how do you talk to sis? The way you phrased the question, makes me wonder. I would setup a home assessment by an occupational therapist, ordered by mom's doc. Then both you and sis be there for that appointment.

Work on building a cooperative, respectful relationship with your sis. Nothing worse than being the primary caregiver and having a sibling that does not help much tell you that something is being done incorrectly.

At church, you be the standby for mom. Help her up to sit with the choir and then back to her seat. Why aren't you sitting with her if she needs help? Always be ready to help where and when you can.

A wheelchair might be the best way to go. You can fold it up and put it right in the trunk.

Kabar...OMG, it's like we gave sisters from different Mothers!!!

I have posted so many times regarding what my sister does or thinks she's doing for Mom.
My sister "lives" with Mom.

1. She tells hospital and APS that she is the 24/7 caregiver
2. She works night shift, leaves around 12:00pm gets home around 10:00-11:00pm.
3. She spends her weekends with her 2 daughters and grandchildren...thank goodness they post on Facebook so I can document
4. Fraudulently got Mom to sign a new Beneficiary Deed, Mom told me she didn't have any idea why or what she was signing.
5. My sister TOLD me that SHE was going to have Mom redo her Will because SHE can't find it. SHE said thad social services "told" her that "we" would lose everything to the State without one.
6. SHE thinks 24/7 means setting out Mom's-Step-father's medications and calls while she's at work to "make sure" they gave taken their meds.
7. Has the "poor me" attitude because she has to take the time from HER sick/vacation hours to take them to their various doctors.
8. Has a manila folder with 2 pages of nothing and claims she keeps all of the medical records.
9. Fraudulently took over my Medical Power of Art by.
10. Living Will is missing which names me as the person to make the decision to pull the plug.
12. Says SHE goes over all the bills with Mom, makes the checks out and Mom signs them. I found at least 6 bills that were past due; one was $800.
13. SHE refused in-home care I was going to pay for, but it wasn't 24/7 to give her all of her time to do whatever she wanted.

My sister (older) is in for a MAJOR SURPRISE.

1. I can take her to Court over the Medical POA.
2. The 2nd Beneficiary Deed was done for her benefit as well as Mom not knowing what she was signing or why.
3. SHE filed with the State without ALL of the necessary attachments.
4. The Notary was brought to the house (legal), but he didn't follow the recently change of Law regarding what Notaries are REQUIRED to do.
5. I have a copy of the Living Will and only need my Uncle/Aunt to swear that it is what she wanted as they helped Mom/me fill everything out.
6. (I love this) I have Mom's original Will containing all changes per Codicil. Even IF SHE has Mom redo the Will, State Law will throw it out and the originals I have take precedence.
7. That includes the Beneficiary Deed.
8. My sister will not be able to get her inheritance without going through me. I have total control over Mom's entire estate.

Mom has dementia, Step-father has Alzheimer's and I live out of State. When I went home earlier this year, I was pissed with
1. Sister telling everyone how bad she has it caring for them.
2. The home that Mom kept so clean one could eat off the floor is so filthy that Mom would be out of her gourd if she could truly see it.
3. SISTER doesn't ever clean the house to help with Mom's health.
4. SISTER does not pay for any utilities, food etc, BUT SHE LIVES THERE AND MOOCHES.

I did something I felt by couldn't do because SHE would figure out who it was.

I reported my concern(s( to Mom's bank about the way my sister states she helps manage the money.

The bank is required to file an investigation about the possible money abuse, BUT if they do find issues, they are REQUIRED to involve Law Enforcement AND Adult Protective Services.

You will be asked many questions about your concerns #1 is your Mom's money. If it is not,then you have to report through APS.

YOU ARE NOT REQUIRED TO HAVE YOU NAME STATED IN THE INVESTIGATION!! YOU ARE ALLOWED TO DENY IF ASKED BY YOUR SISTER AS ANYBODY CAN FILE A REPORT

Place your parents 1st. I'm learning the hard way that I should have been more pro-active from the start. I never thought i would have any issues with my siblings...my mistake.

I sympathize with you and hope this situation improves.
I did ALL the Dr appointments so I could ensure the safety of my parents.
Sis sometimes joined us and once took dad alone when I had some other problem
to deal with and she was actually very conscientious!
I would leave it to the Dr and PT to instruct everyone and make the rules
so you don't have to be the bad guy.

Your sister does not want to injure herself. That is her primary concern.