I posted in April under ‘How Do I Get Out of This’ and was too wary to read the responses! While there were some harsh responses, I understand perfectly why they were given, and I appreciate them. There were many more positive, encouraging, and kind-hearted responses and I am SO thankful for them! Most said that I need to get out, and I do. Since April, husband had prostate surgery which turned out to be cancerous and was in hospital and rehab for a month. During that time, I considered whether I could stay with him until he passes so that he doesn't have to go through a divorce and a move to a facility. Even though I can't stand him, I do feel sorry for his situation. He suffered another stroke or strokes in the hospital and has more mental fogginess. He continues to do impulsive things, like going to the basement to do laundry, and refuses to use his walker despite in home PT insisting. They have discharged him because they can't do any more for him. Neurologist said he's "tons better" even though he can't get off the sofa without help, and PCP says his heart and lungs are "great". Meanwhile, he's sleeping 14 hours, is suffering from shortness of breath which alarmed the rehab staff and told the palliative care program provider (I enrolled him in this) that he believes his "time is short". Now our landlady has let us know she wants to put the house on the market and I'm up against the wall! Rents around here are higher than what we've been paying and how am I going to move all his junk? I have a friend in Georgia who is moving to Tennessee and has asked me to room with her. She's even offered to allow hubby to come, too, and help me out until it's too much for both of us and he must go to a facility. I approached hubby with this idea, and he's not interested in moving to Tennessee. He still wants to buy a house in Maine, which means depleting my savings and basically being stuck here for good (if I even have enough for a down payment), with him, until he passes. My PCP referred me to a psychiatric nurse, who's put me on meds, and a social worker who is referring me to a psychologist. I'm a mess! If he were gone, it would be a no-brainer to room with my friend and share expenses. She's divorced and wants a new start. I've asked the landlady if she can wait until spring to buy some time, but no answer from her yet. I'm considering what so many advised in my last post: see an eldercare lawyer for him and see about a divorce and placement in a facility for him. His family wants nothing to do with him, so there's really no point in my calling his daughters and asking if they are willing to help him. I'm just at the end of my rope with this! I allowed him to live with me initially because he was kind to me when I was in a bad situation, and I hated to hurt him (as supposedly his three previous wives had) by breaking up with him and thought I could find an easy way out. But it escalated to marriage and now after 10 years it's just gotten harder and harder to end it with him, and his poor health made me feel even worse about splitting with him. Now I don't have much choice!
You obviously don't love him, and feel guilty and sorry for him. That is not marriage and I'd be burned out with all his illnesses. The age gap is not helping either! Yes, he helped you long ago, you have helped him back. IT IS EVEN.
Get a lawyer to set him up for Medicaid in a facility. Split the funds and take yours and GO with your friend. Don't buy a house with him! He will be in a safe place and cared for by pros. You can call or visit when you are re-settled if you want. It's not your fault for his terrible health conditions. Your Landlord selling is her right, in a sellers market! Call a junk crew and let them take his junk to a storage locker. He won't need it in a facility, nor will have room for it. Put it in storage and give him the key, so you won't feel guilty!
My ex (a Vietnam combat vet with dementia & PSTD) had to throw out all his old furniture, junk, old car and motorcycle. He didn't really care like I expected, and is OK with it. He only kept 2 tubs of personal photos and clothes. He is fine with it, after being a packrat for years. Don't be scared of that problem.
You had a time in your lives and helped each other. That is a done deal. Don't feel guilty when there is no deep love, just "obligation" you feel, that was already brought to equal levels. It's not fair to be a caregiver to him when you don't even like him! He will fare better at a facility. I'm struggling with this myself, yet my ex is not so sick. They suck the oxygen out of you. My life is being robbed, after being single 20 years. He has no family left, so I had to step up. I wish I hadn't. He will be gone by year end into a VA facility, so I'm being patient as possible.
DON'T BLOW THIS SECOND CHANCE IN YOUR LIFE! Get him placed, and feel no guilt. Have his junk stored, give him the key and GO!!! You both are even.
You are so close to freedom, like me. Best of luck to you!
Secondly, Geaton777 is right. You do have choices only they don't make you feel good.
You can move with your friend. You can put your husband into a care facility. He will qualify for Medicaid. You don't have to be divorced from him either. You can still be his POA and advocate even if from a distance.
We get one life. Don't martyr yourself by wasting yours living in miserable caregiving drudgery with someone you hate.
You *do* have choices, it's just that none of them make you feel good. But you will feel better once you make a decision and then follow through on it.
Your husband is a full-grown adult who is perfectly capable of taking care of himself and planning for his compromised future. But I agree with others who say you need to be honest about things. Don't be a chicken... you need to have the hard conversations. Go into these conversations thoughtfully and having done research. You can script out your conversation with him so you don't get derailed by emotions or his reactions to anything.
1) Loveless marriage. Divorce or no?
2) His degrading health issues. Do you want to continue to be his caregiver? Are you physically able to? What if something happens to *you*? Who takes care of you? What if he refuses to go into a facility "when the time comes"? Are you currently his DPoA? If not, then caregiving him is a hard NO.
3) Moving to Maine. This seems like a hard NO from you. Tell him you aren't willing to do this no matter what. Don't give reasons or he'll try to negotiate his way. If it's a rural part of Maine, there won't be many social services or options for his care. Plus, the cost, plus the mortgage, plus the effort and upkeep...
You don't have to totally abandon him but if you help, it has to be 100% on *your terms*. If he can't see the reasonableness in this, then definitely walk away.
If you can afford it, see an elder lawyer about splitting ur assets, Medicaid allows it. Then find him a nice Long-term care facility that he can transition into Medicaid. He uses his split for his care, and when gone, he applies for Medicaid. The facility can apply for him you just may need to supply the info. Then you get rid of all his junk and what u will not need to move to Tenn.
You can also look into divorcing him. See how that would work out. You still probably will need to split assets. You say "my" savings. Was this from your earnings he never contributed too. Even if u look at it as "my" it may be a marital asset. With his health problems he will need 24/7 care in LTC I feel.
I would do whatever is best for you. His days are numbered. He must know there is no love in this marriage. You now have the opportunity to have a life of your own. I would take this friends offer. If he wants to stay in Maine, then let him.
When you find out what ur options are and decide what your going to do, then tell him. Don't ask, tell him. I am leaving. So that means you have decisions to make. You either find yourself an apartment you can afford or you go into care or u come with me. (I would leave him in Maine) Then tell him what the lawyer said. Give him a time-line to figure out what he is going to do. If he drags his feet, thats his problem. You are leaving no matter what he decides. And tell him if he decides to go with you, his junk does not go too.
This man is divorced for a reason 3x. His children are estranged for a reason. Please, think of yourself now. A way out has been offered 2 ways. A friend offers you to live with her and now your going to lose ur house. Best time to get him placed and you go on with ur life. I don't want u to regret not taking the opportunity when you could have.
Make decisions you can live with. That is all you can do. You can still be grateful that your husband helped you out and also recognize that you are done here. Good luck.