My siblings and I preferred home care over a facility, but were in constant contact with her every week. She lied and manipulated situations in order to get us to approve of her actions. She teased about bringing in home care, allowing me to sit in on interviews with companies and telling me she would call the company tomorrow. She was never able to sit down with us and have an honest conversation about dad. She wanted to have all the control, which she already has with POA. She would tell me as I helped out that I was worth $25 an hour because I was helping and not home care. She would say right in front of me that she was staying with my dad because he has all the money. I feel very naive and taken advantage of. It's taken me a long time to figure out her narcissistic tendencies. She is very charming and can change on a dime.
What were you expecting from “an honest conversation”? with her? What facts do you believe have been denied to you that she should be expected to provide?
You offered support once. That was fine, in fact just great. Offer it now as well.Visit your Dad. Know you are relieved of the in person care, as is your Mom. I wish you the best.
You say that you and your siblings “preferred” in-home care.
Unless you had been caring for your Dad 24/7, you have no idea what it was REALLY like to do that care.
Anyone who wasn’t hands on, IMO, doesn’t get a vote.
I say this as someone who has both done 24/7 caregiving for a LO, as well as a daughter who does not care for my father’s wife, AT ALL.
We have tried to talk to her about memory care facilities, home care, etc., but she will not sit down at a table to discuss. She usually walks around her home while speaking to us even when we ask her to join us...
The only fact I wished to have right now was day and time being admitted. With a 2 day notice, I wasn't even able to help him move in.
Thanks so much for responding. I appreciate the thought provoking questions. I realize in a forum like this it's hard to know the full situation.
From your step mothers perspective she was probably stressed out and burnt out from all the at home care and maybe wanted to just get him into a facility without having to manage conflict with yourselves at the same time. Doesnt make it right but can see how someone in high stress situation might do that.
Mind you at the same time her saying that she is in it for the money doesnt wash well. If she is a person that has been funded by him, is not putting much effort into his care and is then going to take all of his wealth, after putting him in memory care I think that is despicable.
I would suggest, however, that you remain on good terms with her. If she can, as you said "turn on a dime"...you don't want to go visit dad one day and find she has changed visitation to NOT allow certain people.
And she can do this.
My guess (as I have done CG, for work and for my DH, she is burned out and exhausted from the 24/7 grind. "willing to help out" and "shouldering the entire burden" are two vastly different things.
That said, helping out is not the same thing as being responsible for 24/7 care of a very sick elder with AD/dementia. Preferring in home care and actually doing it yourself 24/7 are 2 entirely different matters. If SM was a gold digger, she wouldn't place him in a super expensive private pay Memory Care Assisted Living community either, where his money gets sucked up like a vacuum, that makes no sense.
The best thing you can do is go visit your father in the memory care frequently and spend time with him there. Accept the decision that's been made and make the best of it, if possible.
I hope all this works out for your dad, above and beyond, and that he gets some great care in his AL.
I agree, she didn't want to hear the negative. And with COVID I doubt if you would have been able to help move him in. Like said, maybe a room became available and she grabbed it. She really owes you no explanation. She is his wife who he assigned his POA. She has done what is good for him and her. MCs are private pay. The one near me was 7k a month and that was 5 years ago.
What she needs to do now is see a lawyer well versed in Medicaid to get their assets split. His split going for his care and when that is gone, applying for Medicaid.
I have a feeling that she felt she was talking to a brick wall with you and your siblings, especially if you label her a narcissist.
What would it have taken for you to approve of her moving him? You living with caregivers and a dementia patient 24/7 in your own house? Did you offer that option? Did you actually experience that life at all? Trust me, it's overwhelming and exhausting.
Let it go. Your dad is going to get better care than he would have with any in-home caregivers, plus he'll be getting constant mental stimulation and socialization which is huge for dementia patients.
I assume you'll be free to visit him as you please, and it'd be nice if you try to treat your step-mother with some degree of compassion as well. She lived with and cared for your dad every day -- you didn't. It's easy to criticize when you haven't been the one shouldering the burden.