I am an only child who struggled to keep them in their home for 2 years. When my mother's needs became more than I could handle 24/7, even ignoring that I am only 53 and still working full-time 40 miles from home, I moved them to assisted living. My Dad who has some type of mental health issue (no memory loss but mood swings initially mis-diagnosed with Lewy Body), is very mad at me. He thinks I should be taking care of them. I tried that, working all day, driving to their house for shift 2 of laundry (mom incontinent so every day the bed needed to be stripped and washed, even with adult underwear), meds, meals, washing all dishes of the day (because men of the mid-century didn't do those "women" duties), every. single. day. I drove have exhausted, only to fall in bed, then get up and do it all over again.
I did the math, and having someone come to the their home was more than double of a ALF. There house sits empty because I feel bullied and guilty by my father to do anything with it. It is decaying and needs to be sold but I feel that he already hates me. In his mind, he is in AL until my mother passes, and then he's moving to another state and will resume what he could physically do in his 20's, because he does not see he is not capable. He forgets meds, has never written a check in his life, much less handle ANY time of finances or decisions. He is dependent on me for everything but lashes out to me any chance he gets.
My mother is very passive. Quite frankly, I think she is just ready to go. I'd tried meds for depression/anxiety and I just can't fix it. My Dad, is very cruel and does not understand or will not admit all that I have on my shoulders. He really doesn't know since Mom always handled everything.
It's all squarely on my shoulders. Every doctor appointment, every med and financial decision. EVERYTHING. No sibs, and no other family except my husband and children (in their 20's and both newly married).
How do I handle the emotional baggage this has brought? I feel horrible that I dread calling/visiting my own parents. Due to the virus, I have not had to visit in 3 weeks, and I am extremely depressed that I feel happy about that. What is wrong with me? I see others who still celebrate birthdays with their parents in AL, they rock contently on the front porch of AL and have conversation. I have none of that. I go weekly, hang up their clothing, take them snacks and bottled water, put that away, and spray the pee stains on the floor from the small dog that he CANNOT take care of, yet he will truly hate me for life if I take his beloved dog, so I spend my weekends picking up errant dog poop in their room, and try to ignore the smell all of that brings. It's another reason why I cannot move my Dad in with me when Mom passes. I can't handle a dog ruining my house that I've worked hard for, just to appease Dad and wash his every dish so he can live the life he wants, at the demise of mine.
I'm living in limbo, and hate myself for wishing for the days ahead that I no longer carry this burden. And yes, the guilt of feeling like they are a burden is hard to digest. I feel like I'm in the minority of people who feel this way and need validation that I'm not alone in my feelings.
I have learnt to live with the guilt now and have a strategy for getting over it. I look back on what she did for her Mother, well she visited once every 4-6 weeks for the day, so just a few hours, she left all the other caring and organization to her brothers and their wives because they lived closer. Understandably, she became very unpopular with her siblings because she would waltz in with treats, push the hoover round, take her mum out in the car for a run and that was it. At that time my Mum was 48 and enjoying life with my Father and her friends and first grandchild.
I am now 67 and never get to spend Christmas or Easter with any of my 3 grandchildren because they live a long way away and Mum can't travel and wont consider being left alone on a holiday weekend and they don't want to come to me because she will be there and then everything becomes about her, she talks about me behind my back to them saying what a bad daughter I am. I made the mistake of moving her closer to me just over 4 years ago because she was struggling with her home and she is now in AL. She hates it and she blames everything on me, she still believes that if she was living "back home" she would be able to walk, would be able to go out alone and make her own decisions. Quite frankly she is crazy if I allowed it she would drive me demented as well.
I hate myself for hoping this will soon be over.....
I totally get where you are coming from I hate calling her, seeing her, taking her out, if I met her socially I would never want to see her again she is the most self centered person I have ever met and my Husband hates her because of how she treats me.
The upside of Covid is that I cant go to see her, the down side is she doesn't understand why and is continually calling and wanting something.
Stand your ground, start to take back your life, they have had theirs, what did they give up for their parents, in my case not a lot, so now I have it in perspective I don't feel guilty just angry that the good die young and the miserable old ones go on forever.
There is a lifetime of history with a parent. It ends up being what it is. When I visited my 95 yr old mom, I watch. Her face lights up when she sees me and she wants to say I love you and certainly wants to hear it back. She wants a hallmark card. I can recite anything but I cannot undo years and years of being screamed at, being criticized, and being humiliated. So, it is what it is.
I read posts from others who desperately want to visit their parent, who try to visit every day, and visit for hours. I confess to not even understanding the posts, even though they are written in English.
You are not alone.
I too am an only child; I had to place both of my parents in an ALF back in 2014 when Dad fell and broke a hip. He passed in 2015 and my mother is still alive at 93 (and has been 'ready and wanting to die' for YEARS now, by the way) and living in the Memory Care wing of the ALF. BEST decision I EVER made, bar none. She is a toxic creature and if I had to move her in with me, I'd shoot myself. I don't feel guilty about saying that, either, because it's the truth. Toxic people suck the energy out of you, and that's not okay. It IS okay, however, to give them their OWN lives in an ALF where you don't have to be subjected to the toxicity 24/7.
Where is it written that what you are doing here is 'wrong'? I have NO DOUBT at all that my mother would have died years ago had I NOT had her in an ALF. The professional care and attention they give her is something she would get nowhere else, and certainly not in my home where DH and I work.
Get rid of the FOG (Fear Obligation & Guilt) that's been instilled in you, and allow yourself to live YOUR life as you're allowing your parents to live THEIRS. We only get one run here on Earth, so make it a good one.
I don't feel bad that I haven't seen my father in weeks because of all of this. The only thing I feel a little bad about was that his birthday was during all of this and he had to spend it alone. Then I remember my birthday is the same week and he hasn't cared about that in many many years.
They are where they need to be. One person cannot support the life of two others.
I am going to suggest a couple of things to get yourself back to feeling balanced; get yourself to a therapist and during Covid you can do that using Skype. There is a psychologist who wrote an excellent easy to read book that helped me tremendously and he does Skype counseling. He deals with adult children of parents like ours. The author is Paul Chafetz and the book is Loving Hard to Love Parents: A Handbook for Adult Children of Difficult Parents. A thin book with good tips and fast read. Another book on setting boundaries by Henry Cloud is another good one. But you need someone with an objective voice who has the knowledge to help you through this. It may only take a few visits to get a grip.
Parent yourself by being kind and loving like you would to your own child, realize you have feelings too and you DO NOT have to accept being abused. Your dad is being manipulative and you do not have to play the game. Take your power back, realize you can stand up for yourself.
I might add one more thing and that is why isn’t the ALF handling their medication? That is how most operate, one of the reasons they go to AL is medication management. Also, can the director talk to your dad about the dog using the apartment as a toilet? I’m shocked they would allow that.
use the director there to help you sort some of these things out. You should not be doing all these tasks that they are paying for.
But now, parents of the "boomer" generation are in their late 80s to 100s. Boomers are now in their late 50's to mid 70's. I just retired from my full time job at age 69 and was thrust into full time nursing care for both parents. Dad had CHF and renal disease, mild cognitive impairment, urine and fecal incontinent, on oxygen all the time. Temperamental and demanding. Mom has dementia, with zero short term memory or ability to learn anything new. Requires full time supervision. Brother and I tried this at home for about 6 months, but it was more than a full time job for 2 people and we were exhausted. Dad decided a move to AL, where Mom was under his watch, and he had hospice caregivers in unit, worked until he passed away. She is now in memory care.
Caring for old, sick people is draining, they are often oblivious to the time and toll of their demands, and to the fact that family caregivers often have to quit working (what do they live on? where to they get medical insurance?) An in home caregiver often has no life of their own, it's all sucked out of you. Since COVID-19, we have not been able to visit Mom. She doesn't seem to notice. I've been sleeping better than anytime over the past 10 years. That tells me a lot.
My mother also loves to guilt me. I do not see her unless I choose to. Last week she had a friend (a woman who lives a few houses away from me) call me and rip me a new one for "ignoring my precious angel of a mother"--mother told her she had been calling me and leaving messages and I was ignoring her--and that she wasn't sleeping b/c of her deep worry for me. (I had shingles and wasn't feeling great...but I wasn't DYING). Triangulating someone else into our weird relationship to get attention and make me look bad is NOT a new thing for her.
You can continue to feel guilty about doing THE RIGHT THING for mom and dad or you can beat yourself up about the fact dad is angry. Anger is the 'go-to' emotion for a lot of people (esp men, sorry guys). They can't do all the stuff that their wives have been doing for 50 years. They feel useless and instead of learning a new skill--they get mad.
Let your dad be mad. Walk away when he's nasty and keep doing so. You DO NOT owe him anything but respect, and sometimes, not even that.
Just enjoy the 'distancing' and use these times to re-assess what you should and shouldn't be doing for your folks.
My MIL hates me, with a flaming passion. I don't let it bother me at all. I can't--life is too short for hate. She's the one who's missing out, not me.
Well, it seems like you sure have done a ton of stuff that you didn't have to do. And, have sacrificed a lot. Basically, it's like working for them full time. And, you dad isn't very appreciative and was angry with you and bullied you?To me, that's a good reason to avoid him. It would likely be a long time before I returned for a visit and I wouldn't feel guilty about it.
My parents are pretty good nature and gracious as well, yet, at times, they annoy me to no end. I need a break. I think that's normal. People can tick you off and when that happens, you should have a chill out phase. I've known people who treat me poorly and I'm done. I walk away. I feel justified. Family dynamics can be complicated, but, you have a right to visiting when you want and enjoying the break. Some people cut off all contact with toxic family members. I might talk to a counselor about validating your feelings. You have a right to your feelings. And the right to see or not see who you want.
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