I am an only child who struggled to keep them in their home for 2 years. When my mother's needs became more than I could handle 24/7, even ignoring that I am only 53 and still working full-time 40 miles from home, I moved them to assisted living. My Dad who has some type of mental health issue (no memory loss but mood swings initially mis-diagnosed with Lewy Body), is very mad at me. He thinks I should be taking care of them. I tried that, working all day, driving to their house for shift 2 of laundry (mom incontinent so every day the bed needed to be stripped and washed, even with adult underwear), meds, meals, washing all dishes of the day (because men of the mid-century didn't do those "women" duties), every. single. day. I drove have exhausted, only to fall in bed, then get up and do it all over again.
I did the math, and having someone come to the their home was more than double of a ALF. There house sits empty because I feel bullied and guilty by my father to do anything with it. It is decaying and needs to be sold but I feel that he already hates me. In his mind, he is in AL until my mother passes, and then he's moving to another state and will resume what he could physically do in his 20's, because he does not see he is not capable. He forgets meds, has never written a check in his life, much less handle ANY time of finances or decisions. He is dependent on me for everything but lashes out to me any chance he gets.
My mother is very passive. Quite frankly, I think she is just ready to go. I'd tried meds for depression/anxiety and I just can't fix it. My Dad, is very cruel and does not understand or will not admit all that I have on my shoulders. He really doesn't know since Mom always handled everything.
It's all squarely on my shoulders. Every doctor appointment, every med and financial decision. EVERYTHING. No sibs, and no other family except my husband and children (in their 20's and both newly married).
How do I handle the emotional baggage this has brought? I feel horrible that I dread calling/visiting my own parents. Due to the virus, I have not had to visit in 3 weeks, and I am extremely depressed that I feel happy about that. What is wrong with me? I see others who still celebrate birthdays with their parents in AL, they rock contently on the front porch of AL and have conversation. I have none of that. I go weekly, hang up their clothing, take them snacks and bottled water, put that away, and spray the pee stains on the floor from the small dog that he CANNOT take care of, yet he will truly hate me for life if I take his beloved dog, so I spend my weekends picking up errant dog poop in their room, and try to ignore the smell all of that brings. It's another reason why I cannot move my Dad in with me when Mom passes. I can't handle a dog ruining my house that I've worked hard for, just to appease Dad and wash his every dish so he can live the life he wants, at the demise of mine.
I'm living in limbo, and hate myself for wishing for the days ahead that I no longer carry this burden. And yes, the guilt of feeling like they are a burden is hard to digest. I feel like I'm in the minority of people who feel this way and need validation that I'm not alone in my feelings.
The only piece of advice I can give you that helps me is to remind yourself you are doing the best you can under the circumstances and that it's not your fault. Don't fall into the guilt trap, either. Hang in there.
I read your post and your profile. I find it curious that you haven't used the word "dementia" to describe anything that is going on with your parents. Have either of them been diagnosed? That ship may have sailed but having a formal diagnosis informs how you look at all of this and what medications may be helpful to them.
If you try to remember them as their former, true selves and then add on that now they have a very common illness of old age, a broken brain, it may be easier to deal with it all and make decisions. They can no longer make their own decisions for their own best interests, so you must. Starting with them being in AL, which is where they should be and need to be, even after your mother passes. You cannot and should not be attempting to care for them. Your own husband comes first, then your children. Your parents will get far more social attention and prompt and appropriate medical care where they are and it no longer matters what their broken brains want -- they cannot have it no matter what: financially or otherwise. That generation has a phobia of nursing homes. That generation rolled into their sunset years assuming their children would take care of them. Period. So they spent no time really thinking through the fairness, reality, logistics of any of it. So it is no wonder they can't compute it in their minds that what they expected their entire lives didn't happen. I'm caring for all my seniors plus running a business with my husband (with employees) full-time, plus hosting and providing most of the care for my 10-yr grandson 50% of his custody time. My mother doesn't comprehend any of this stress even though she's lived literally next door to me since 1997. And this past year her brain has frayed more and she is really losing her ability to sympathize or read social cues, so it gets on my last nerve pretty fast amidst everything else in my day.
I'm assuming (and hoping) you are your parents' durable PoA. If so I would spend their money (not yours) on a 2-hr consult with an elder law/estate planning attorney about selling their house and what to do with those funds and how to maximize paying for their care etc. I surely hope you are not paying for any of their care out of your own pocket. If so, stop and don't fear Medicaid. That's a whole other conversation.
For now your assignment is to work on seeing and internalizing that you cannot change their decline (indeed, a vast majority of seniors are in this boat), and that by having them in a care facility, selling their house and minimizing the stress on you due to their care, you are doing everything possible and it IS benefitting them, whether they like it or not. If you burn out, where will that leave them? If the plane is nose-diving you need to put on your oxygen mask FIRST before you can help those who can't help themselves.
In terms of dealing with their anger at visits, you will need to learn how to redirect conversations and educate yourself on how to interact with parents like yours. Many on this forum can provide first-hand guidance on what has worked for them. Many will recommend the Teepa Snow videos on YouTube about dementia. May you gain peace in your heart over this situation and how you handle it moving forward!
You ask in your story "what is wrong with me?"...I'll tell you what's wrong with you - absolutely nothing! There is nothing wrong with not wanting to enable what seems to be an extremely toxic relationship with your dad! There is nothing wrong with wanting to live your own life, and not be little more than a servant to your father's wishes!
I am so sorry that you are going through this situation. It's not ever easy on children, even adult children, when parents behave like your dad. It seems like there are many people in this forum who have at least 1 parent like your dad, parents who expect their children to put their entire lives on hold to take care of them! Another posting had someone questioning the seemingly disproportionate amount of these kinds of parents to the members of this forum, but to me it make sense that so many people here have toxic relationships with their families, because - hey - if we didn't need support in our caregiving duties we probably wouldn't be in this forum in the first place!
As so many wiser people here have said before me, you have a right to live your life! And you have the right to be happy in your Iife! What your describing isn't healthy for you or your husband or your children. Your dad sounds like a master manipulator (and I hope you won't get angry with me, but it sounds like borderline abuse!) and while it will not be easy to cut the strings, so to speak, for your own mental and physical health it is time to establish some boundaries.
First and foremost, forgive yourself. You are doing the best you can. And believe me, you are so not alone in your feelings! I'm caregiving for my mom, who - comparatively speaking, is not difficult to care for - and I often have these feelings! And like you, I have a certain amount of guilt associated with them, but I tell myself that I am not perfect, and I don't have to be. I only have to do the best that I can in any given situation.
You have tried and tried to make your parents lives perfect, and you know what? There ain't no such thing! If your dad is depending on someone else to make him happy, he's going to be unhappy for a very long time. And you are not responsible for his happiness!
My advice - decide, yourself, what you're capable of doing. (Maybe write it out for clarity). Then review that list, and decide what your WILLING to do. Then tell dad - don't ask - tell him what you will do for him going forward. And then stick to it. If he needs help above what you are willing to do, he can find someone out there to help him. Right now, I'm guessing he's getting help for him and your mom in their facility. If your mom passes and he decides to come home, that's his decision and not on you to make happen. You said you think he has some sort of mental health issue, and I am very sorry that he has to deal with that, but his mental illness is not a pass for him to treat you so terribly. Please repeat that to yourself every single day. His mental health issues do not give him the right to be abusive to you! And I hope you will forgive me for saying this - if he treated your mom the same way, and she put up with it, that's on her! Again, it doesn't give him the right to be abusive to you! No right whatsoever!
Set your limits and live you life happily, You deserve it!
Sending you virtual hugs while you deal with this!
Of course you dread dealing with your parents, they are dreadful. Your poor mom has given up or more likely worn out trying to appease your dad, he just thinks that women were created to kick around and use up to please him. I dreaded him for you reading this report.
My dad is/was similar in the facts of thinking that a woman should do everything. I don't know how you did it for 2 years, kudos to you for your strength and desire to be what they needed and wanted. Your heart was in the right place.
I would encourage you to emotionally disconnect from the situation. They are in AL, let AL do what they need. If you stop propping them up and he has to live with things, maybe, just maybe he will get up and do something. Like hanging up clothes, he is perfectly capable of doing that, it's not complicated or difficult. He doesn't need to change anything because you do his bidding. No judgment, it is what I did for a while, because I am that kind of person, I will do what I can and I had to learn that he would let me, then he expected me and then he tried demanding me. That was when I realized that I needed to back off because I was training him how to treat me and I was unhappy with the treatment that he was dishing out. I think that you are in a similar situation.
You are now the adult in the relationship. You will need to do what is in their best interests, whether he likes it or not. I am talking about the house, not jumping to his tune. If the house is losing value as it sits, the best thing is to sell it to keep the value higher. Maybe they have enough money to do the required maintenance and then you can rent it out to generate monthly income for them. Owning a house is expensive, because it needs to be taken care of, this is now all on your shoulders to decide, one thing that I recommend is not letting it sit and fall apart because you are worried about his future reactions. He will be selling the house to move away when something happens to your mom, so you are saving him the effort. That is how I would look at it.
Have you ever tried telling him to stop or to do something around the house instead of dumping it all on you? If he wasn't your dad would you be likely to just do all the things that you do? I would stop doing things that he can easily do and tell him that he needs to put the water and snacks away himself and I would tell my dad that I am happy to stop getting them if it is to much on him to put them away. When this isolation is over he can take the AL transportation to the store and get them himself.
You will have to forget that he is your dad and treat him like he behaves. That is challenging at first, but I promise that each, "no, I can't possibly do that." "Dad, you need to put that away, hang those up, do it yourself. " does get easier.
Will he have a fit? Oh yeah, but you treat it like you would treat a 2 year old throwing a fit. You stick to your guns and you ignore or walk away from it. This will take some time and effort on your part. You say he is already angry, so you don't have to worry about that.
You were not put on this earth to be his doormat, kicking post or scratching post. You don't have to accept or subject yourself to his abuse. It is okay to tell him that his behavior is not okay and to stop treating you ugly and to walk away if he doesn't stop.
You matter and your life matters. He isn't the only person in the room that matters, regardless of what he thinks.
You can do this, for your family and yourself. His unwillingness to do for himself and his wife are not your marching orders.
let him sulk and be angry, you have done enough. You were not put on this earth to be free help for your parents, they have had their life. Any loving parents would truly accept that their child could do no more.
it is unfair and unreasonable behavior on your dads part, especially after all you have done for him.
My dad sounds the same as yours, although I have had a life time of his ‘temper tantrum's’ when he didn’t get his way or you stood up to him because you refused to be bullied into submission, he is 86 and still is the same.
Do not move your dad into your home for any reason, it will ruin your life and your husbands life having someone so toxic living under your roof, get power of attorney and sell their house so you can afford for him to stay put.
I don’t know what relationship you had with your dad before he got old and I apologize if I have written anything that offends. But it’s time to harden your heart. You are not a bad person/daughter to dread visiting someone who is never nice to you. He should count his blessing that you helped him out for so long.
When you visit keep it civil and as soon as he starts picking a fight or being mean I would politely excuse yourself and leave.
you are not a punching bag for someone who cannot see that you have done your best and are truly a loving person.
Forgive yourself for your feelings of guilt and any thoughts of feeling free if they should die and accept the fact that your dad has turned into a nasty spiteful old man.
You post you take care of meds? Why, the AL should be doing that. My Moms insisted on it. They renewed prescriptions and they dispensed them. No resident was allowed Medication in their rooms. Not even an aspirin. Even if Dad has to pay extra, its one thing u don't have to do.
Dr appts. I cut down on Moms. She was going every 6 months to one. There had been no change, so I asked if she could have once a yr. Same with her Thyroid Dr. Her numbers had been normal so we agreed to once a year with labs in 6 months. Can their PCP do more? Does the AL have a bus service? Let them take Mom and Dad.
Do you have POAs? Because without it and your parents found incompetent, there is not much u can do about the sale of the house. Saying that, only do what needs to be done using Dads money. Hire someone to mow the lawn. Unplug anything electric in the house. Have lights come on and off. If Dad still has his car, make sure its seen. Don't use any of your own money to care for the house or them. When it runs out, then apply for Medicaid.
I wasn't an only child, but I might as well have been. I was the oldest and the one that could be made to feel guilty. Also, the one who did everything for my parents because I lived in the same town. So when I was left with caring for Mom who had Dementia, I was overwhelmed. TG I never cared for Dad. He was like your Dad. Felt women had a certain place. One thing I have done and did, though, is set Boundries. I do things in my time not others. And if my time is watching a favorite TV show or just chillin out so be it. I refuse to be at anyone's beck and call. When my Mom, who was easy, lost her license, we set up a day for running errands and grocery shopping. We took her out once a week to eat. If she needed anything in between I got it when I went out. I didn't jump right then and there. Appts were made at my convenience. My Mom also handled all the bills and wrote the checks. Dad would have been lost, TG he went first.
There is nothing wrong in how u feel. Handling a job and a home and life in general is enough and then throw in the sole responsibility of parents...
This virus may help in you now establishing Boundries. You will find that they have done OK on their own. You are an adult with responsibilities of your own. Its time to tell Dad "this is what I can do for you" I have realized I can not be there for you 24/7 and you are capable of doing for yourself. Because of work, I can only be here on the weekend. If there is anything you need, I will bring it then. When he gets nasty, walk away or tell him "If your going to be nasty Mom and I will go to the common room" or "Dad, please don't talk to me that way. I am not a child. I do for you because I want to. I don't have to." You need to set the stage. What you will put up with and what you won't. Maybe some therapy will give u the tools.
Just curious, why do you drive round trip 3 hrs for a job. I would think that in itself would be exhausting. I did 2 hrs round trip for 3 months in my late when I was 40 and it was too much.
Enjoy this "down" time. Mom and Dad get their 3 meals a day. There is help if needed. And if they aren't getting their snacks, oh well. They really get enough foid with their meals. Dessert can be taken back to their room and eaten later.
You also mentioned cleaning...is this not part of their rent? It was in Moms AL. Housekeeping came in cleaned the bathroom, dusted and ran the sweeper. This is not something you need to do.
I don't feel bad that I haven't seen my father in weeks because of all of this. The only thing I feel a little bad about was that his birthday was during all of this and he had to spend it alone. Then I remember my birthday is the same week and he hasn't cared about that in many many years.
They are where they need to be. One person cannot support the life of two others.
My mother also loves to guilt me. I do not see her unless I choose to. Last week she had a friend (a woman who lives a few houses away from me) call me and rip me a new one for "ignoring my precious angel of a mother"--mother told her she had been calling me and leaving messages and I was ignoring her--and that she wasn't sleeping b/c of her deep worry for me. (I had shingles and wasn't feeling great...but I wasn't DYING). Triangulating someone else into our weird relationship to get attention and make me look bad is NOT a new thing for her.
You can continue to feel guilty about doing THE RIGHT THING for mom and dad or you can beat yourself up about the fact dad is angry. Anger is the 'go-to' emotion for a lot of people (esp men, sorry guys). They can't do all the stuff that their wives have been doing for 50 years. They feel useless and instead of learning a new skill--they get mad.
Let your dad be mad. Walk away when he's nasty and keep doing so. You DO NOT owe him anything but respect, and sometimes, not even that.
Just enjoy the 'distancing' and use these times to re-assess what you should and shouldn't be doing for your folks.
My MIL hates me, with a flaming passion. I don't let it bother me at all. I can't--life is too short for hate. She's the one who's missing out, not me.
Well, it seems like you sure have done a ton of stuff that you didn't have to do. And, have sacrificed a lot. Basically, it's like working for them full time. And, you dad isn't very appreciative and was angry with you and bullied you?To me, that's a good reason to avoid him. It would likely be a long time before I returned for a visit and I wouldn't feel guilty about it.
My parents are pretty good nature and gracious as well, yet, at times, they annoy me to no end. I need a break. I think that's normal. People can tick you off and when that happens, you should have a chill out phase. I've known people who treat me poorly and I'm done. I walk away. I feel justified. Family dynamics can be complicated, but, you have a right to visiting when you want and enjoying the break. Some people cut off all contact with toxic family members. I might talk to a counselor about validating your feelings. You have a right to your feelings. And the right to see or not see who you want.
I also commend you for sharing this online. I have shared before and sometimes people's "sharpness" and downright insensitivity was so upsetting to me that I no longer post. So, glad you did!
Check with their insurance company, most homeowners policies have a clause that voids your coverage if the house is unoccupied. That is not something you want to find out because you have a claim.
Unoccupied coverage is astronomical, like many thousands of dollars annually, so that is another con to keeping the house.
I am going to suggest a couple of things to get yourself back to feeling balanced; get yourself to a therapist and during Covid you can do that using Skype. There is a psychologist who wrote an excellent easy to read book that helped me tremendously and he does Skype counseling. He deals with adult children of parents like ours. The author is Paul Chafetz and the book is Loving Hard to Love Parents: A Handbook for Adult Children of Difficult Parents. A thin book with good tips and fast read. Another book on setting boundaries by Henry Cloud is another good one. But you need someone with an objective voice who has the knowledge to help you through this. It may only take a few visits to get a grip.
Parent yourself by being kind and loving like you would to your own child, realize you have feelings too and you DO NOT have to accept being abused. Your dad is being manipulative and you do not have to play the game. Take your power back, realize you can stand up for yourself.
I might add one more thing and that is why isn’t the ALF handling their medication? That is how most operate, one of the reasons they go to AL is medication management. Also, can the director talk to your dad about the dog using the apartment as a toilet? I’m shocked they would allow that.
use the director there to help you sort some of these things out. You should not be doing all these tasks that they are paying for.
I am the same. I sit there wishing my mother was being pleasant like the others, instead of for ever complaining or insulting me.
This site has helped me realize that there are many of us struggling with this and that has helped me. You are not alone! Keep your chin up and stay safe. xx
She continues to guilt trip me for putting her there and I absolutely hate going to visit her, I don't even like calling her. But, as everyone here says, you did the right for her safety. She may not like it or understand it, probably never will, but you did what is right. I struggled with guilt for months, and still do, because I really don't like going to see her, but having her in a safe place was the best thing for her, and for your piece of mind, trust me, I've lived it too!
I have learnt to live with the guilt now and have a strategy for getting over it. I look back on what she did for her Mother, well she visited once every 4-6 weeks for the day, so just a few hours, she left all the other caring and organization to her brothers and their wives because they lived closer. Understandably, she became very unpopular with her siblings because she would waltz in with treats, push the hoover round, take her mum out in the car for a run and that was it. At that time my Mum was 48 and enjoying life with my Father and her friends and first grandchild.
I am now 67 and never get to spend Christmas or Easter with any of my 3 grandchildren because they live a long way away and Mum can't travel and wont consider being left alone on a holiday weekend and they don't want to come to me because she will be there and then everything becomes about her, she talks about me behind my back to them saying what a bad daughter I am. I made the mistake of moving her closer to me just over 4 years ago because she was struggling with her home and she is now in AL. She hates it and she blames everything on me, she still believes that if she was living "back home" she would be able to walk, would be able to go out alone and make her own decisions. Quite frankly she is crazy if I allowed it she would drive me demented as well.
I hate myself for hoping this will soon be over.....
I totally get where you are coming from I hate calling her, seeing her, taking her out, if I met her socially I would never want to see her again she is the most self centered person I have ever met and my Husband hates her because of how she treats me.
The upside of Covid is that I cant go to see her, the down side is she doesn't understand why and is continually calling and wanting something.
Stand your ground, start to take back your life, they have had theirs, what did they give up for their parents, in my case not a lot, so now I have it in perspective I don't feel guilty just angry that the good die young and the miserable old ones go on forever.
distance. It’s really not your response to take care of them. It’s hard enough with people that can love back. They will be fine. They were before all this and they will be after.
But now, parents of the "boomer" generation are in their late 80s to 100s. Boomers are now in their late 50's to mid 70's. I just retired from my full time job at age 69 and was thrust into full time nursing care for both parents. Dad had CHF and renal disease, mild cognitive impairment, urine and fecal incontinent, on oxygen all the time. Temperamental and demanding. Mom has dementia, with zero short term memory or ability to learn anything new. Requires full time supervision. Brother and I tried this at home for about 6 months, but it was more than a full time job for 2 people and we were exhausted. Dad decided a move to AL, where Mom was under his watch, and he had hospice caregivers in unit, worked until he passed away. She is now in memory care.
Caring for old, sick people is draining, they are often oblivious to the time and toll of their demands, and to the fact that family caregivers often have to quit working (what do they live on? where to they get medical insurance?) An in home caregiver often has no life of their own, it's all sucked out of you. Since COVID-19, we have not been able to visit Mom. She doesn't seem to notice. I've been sleeping better than anytime over the past 10 years. That tells me a lot.
I don't really have anything more to add than what's already been said, other than to say my heart goes out to you. You are not a bad person. You've been doing the best that one person can do. Your parents are safe and well-cared for. That's no small feat. I believe their "happiness" lies beyond your abilities. If you quit your job, brought them home, and cared for them 24/7, they would still not be happy, and you'd be on your way to an early death (which would leave them alone and uncared for!). They are where they need to be.
Guilt is a terrible thing. It eats you up. And I'm beginning to believe that those of us who are experiencing the most guilt probably have the least to feel guilty about. You don't think you are living up to the proper standards -- your own standards -- when, in fact, you have gone above and beyond. I would just lovingly suggest you find someone to talk to about your own mental health. Unfortunately, you still probably have a lot of work to do related to your folks, like getting rid of the house, details associated with their impending end of life. But you cannot allow all of this to destroy you: It's not noble, and it's not necessary for you to ruin your life because you can't save your parents from frailty and decline. Please think about finding someone who can help you save your mental health. xoxoxoxoxo
I will be honest with you and tell you that I feel the same way you do. My mother’s ALF is not accepting visitors now but schedules phone calls or “visits” by Skype or Face-Time. I’ll be talking to her today and I don’t want to. Sometimes we have a nice conversation but more often she is argumentative. One time she refused to talk to me at all, instead was very rude to the attendant holding the phone and would not look at it. She just mocked me with the resident sitting next to her until the attendant ended the call. I don’t know who I’m going to get today.
Before she went in, it was even worse. I went to her apartment every day before work, and spent even more time there on my days off to take care of her. She was rude, bullying and occasionally violent. She accused me of everything from theft to abuse to planning her death. I have had to accept that the mother I knew is already gone. Of course I was exhausting myself for someone who was mean to me and of course I felt the same as you do.
She doesn’t even know that I sold her car and that her house is on the market because she would flip out and accuse me of stealing and wanting her dead and who knows what else. I don’t think she even realizes she is not capable of using either one anymore. I feel like your dad is being unrealistic in the same way. It’s ok to feel the way you do. Anyone in your situation would feel the same.