How do I get over the guilt of not being as compassionate as I should have been?

One thing you need to keep telling yourself is that none of us have been trained to understand what is happening to someone who has memory issues. I never even heard of Alzheimer's/Dementia until the past few years.

Your Dad is like my Dad, so very kind. I felt so bad yelling at my Dad whenever he would call me on the phone saying he was going to start driving again. Say what??? It was a hot button topic for me that would rear its ugly head every now and then. If only I knew what was the best thing to say to Dad.

Thank goodness for this website. Scroll down to the bottom of this page to the blue section. Lot of great topics with excellent articles. Thus, read, read, read. Learn all you can. It will help you get you through some of these moments.

It's not your fault that the family members of those with dementia are not given more information and better education on the condition. EVEN doctors and healthcare staff don't seem to know as much as they should.

The thing is, is that now that you know, you will adjust your expectations. To me, that's why so many family members feel so frustrated. They keep expecting something that is not possible. Now that you know, you can be more realistic. I'd tell dad that I was sorry and move on. Parents forgive their kids, because that's what you do when you love someone. I'd take comfort that your dad may not even recall what you feel so bad about. Moving forward, you can do things differently and take comfort in that.

You accept that you didn't know the true situation, as probably many of us have done when misconstruing someone's actions or inactions. But you're aware now, so you can go forward with more confidence knowing that you've made changes in how you deal with him and how you handle situations that arise.

I always revert to the business method of changing - "mid-course corrections". Something's happened, assessment is made, and a new course of action is developed.

Think of how many businesses have had to change direction, and of those which haven't, and some of which have failed. The wonderful Borders chain was said to not have recognized the tech changes soon enough, thus failing to institute strategy changes. And eventually it closed.

Don't beat yourself up; I'm sure that many of us have, and it only compounds that anxiety, regret, self esteem and other factors that we need to rely on to go forward in challenging circumstances.

Now, go have a nice hot cup of tea, cider, hot chocolate, and be confident about yourself. And think how glad you are that you've discovered the real situation now, when you can approach life differently, than a few years down the road.

Loves, I just want to add that I've been through the post-action or inaction self recrimination, first after my mother died, then my sister, and periodically while caring for my father. It usually happens when I'm especially stressed and trying to balance many conflicting but priority issues...such as needing to get out to my father's when I think he needs to go to the hospital, but my car is acting strangely and I can't afford a rental for a few days. Sure, there's EMS, but it's not the same for him, and I always go to the ER when he needs help. There's no one else who can or would do it, reliably.

Caregivers I think are going to face these kinds of situations periodically. I wish, and in regret (!), that I'd thought of a more logical and practical solution years ago.

This is why I try to turn the situation into a business-like situation; I can think more rationally. So I hope this helps you.

One of my favorite Oprah-ism’s is “When you know better - you do better”.

The journey through dementia with a loved one is hard - really hard.

I’m not sure anyone - in the beginning - says “Ah-ha! This is dementia and I know exactly what to do”.

So, we make mistakes. Hopefully, we learn from them and move on. Doing better.

LovesHerDad, your name says it all. Now - pick yourself up. Dust yourself off. And just do the best you can.

The fact that you have regrets just shows you are a caring person, how many people have you met who never feel any remorse because they believe they can do no wrong? We all think, say and do things that are hurtful to others, the key is that you recognized your mistake and apologized, now you move on.

Thanks so much for your kind responses. When I get to feeling guilty I remember all the good things I'm doing and remember it's never too late to change!

LovesHerDad -

You've been there for him and taken care of him, and even after getting frustrated at times you haven't given up on him or stopped caring for him. Give yourself credit for that, because he clearly does.

I love the quote from Oprah above - when you know better, you do better. You'll be more patient now that you understand more, and that's all you can ask of yourself.

Paul says, "...this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Jesus Christ," Philippians 3:13-14, KJV. I immediately thought of those verses when I read everyone's responses. We might not all have Paul's goal, but if a guy with his background can forget and move on, we as caretakers can sure do the same.

Your dad is lucky to have you in his corner. You care enough to learn and change. They don't teach,yet, in school how to be an Altzheimer's caregiver. Keep coming to this site. So many people in your situation ,ask questions, many experienced handson caregivers on this site. Dementia is cruel to the loved one and the family. This is a good place to ventilate and get dementia care info.

One of the first things we can do for ourselves is to forgive ourselves so that we can go forward. Self retribution is not healthy. It’s ok to make mistakes (duh!). There is no need to keep reliving the past and like the other person said...when you know better, you do better. Now go forward with kindness as best as you can. And remember that it is normal to feel anger and distress during the journey. Just have some coping mechanisms at your disposal and practice loving self care too!

I have thought more than once (like daily) that before we become caregivers, we should all be offered STNA classes, for free, with updates every year. We should also be offered free psychological training to benefit both our LO and ourselves. Unfortunately, these don’t exist. We’re thrown into the Alliance of Caregivers and thank God for sites like this one.

On “bad days”I can become very short with my husband. That doesn’t mean I don’t love or need him. If I could hire someone to monitor me and slap a piece of tape over my mouth at those times, I would. But, in the end, we are all human. We aren’t infallible, and I, for one, certainly am no saint. There aren’t enough hours in the day for me to regret things i should have done differently.

Move on, look forward and not back. Learn from this experience and use it in the future. You aren’t the only one who feels guilty for something Caregiving-related.

I agree that we learn as we go along. In the beginning there can be so much frustration and resentment. We've been there too. I too have learned and understood things much better from this website and some books.. It saved my sanity and guided me to a place of better acceptance and to a healthy sense of dementia humor.

I will keep this very short...

One of the best things I have realized from dealing with my Mom for years who also has Alzheimer and vascular dementia is:

We are human and make mistakes and are great and have a heart, and the most important thing is to forgive yourself for past actions or words expressed when you did not know any better.

Had you all the knowledge before that you have now, I am certain you would have made different choices.

Kindness begins by being kind with your own self. Accept your humanity and forgive your younger self. Breathe and be great now!

You've done it. You apologized and he accepted your apology. You now move on and do better, it's all you can do.

It is at a time like this that we are advised to "Let go & Let God." During the 7.5 years I took care of my dad, I prayed every night for guidance and for patience.  I prayed for patience all the time.

And I apologized whenever I lost my temper with him.

We are only human. We are not doctors and we are not God. We are human and we make mistakes. I regret the times I lost my patience with my dad - but you just have to move on. I have had "regrets" for both my parents about things I could have done, like making one more phone call. But the past is over, just do the best you can from this point on.

When my mother started having memory issues, my father insisted she did various chores such as making coffee for him. He said he believed keeping her mind engaged would help to maintain it. He quit requiring this after he saw her put a metal fork into a toaster, figuring safety is more important.

You just didn't know.
My friend thought it was cute when his wife started being a little forgetful. He's very kind and just didn't know. Even when it got so bad that she couldn't find her way home when driving, couldn't do needlepoint any more, couldn't cook, he was kind of in denial and did get frustrated and even angry until he came to the realization that she was ill.

When I was on vacation with my MIL who was older than me, I got a little aggravated when she kept asking "When are we going to go to .... ?" (somewhere where we had already been). I was very short with her until one day the light came on - Oh something is wrong. It was the beginning of Alzheimer's which I knew nothing about at the time.

Sometimes it just takes a while to realize and accept what is going on. It's only human to expect things to make sense and sometimes you just can't believe it when they don't, especially if it is intermittent. We get used to a person the way the are and kind of have a mental block when it comes to seeing these changes.

Obviously you are an empathetic, caring, helpful, loving person doing the best you can. That's what matters. Alzheimer's is one of the most difficult things to deal with. Hugs to you. You love your father and he loves you. You're doing great.

Your post said it all. You love your Dad and wanted him to get better. We are told to be patient and let our loved ones do what they can for themselves. I wonder if I hadn’t been so quick to help my Mom with her buttons, etc. if she could have been more independent longer. It’s like the bargaining stage of grief. We all do the best we can everyday with this heartbreaking disease that just keeps taking away so much. You are there for him and he is grateful.

The initial changes of dementia can just seem like aging issues. Given your dad's age and stubborness, it would be easy to think getting him to "do for himself" would help improve his ability to care for himself. Many of us have never experienced dementia and we certainly are not trained to see it coming on! If he was already living with you, the sneaky little signs can be like gaining weight - you absorb it but do not really see it as someone who only sees the person occasionally might.

I interfaced with our mother more often than my brothers (one is not local and called once/week - general chit chat, and her saying end the call as it costs money, he did not see the full "flavor"; the other works full time and may stop in to help with something or fix something, but no in depth discussions). Even her doctor did not see this (some can have what others call "show-timers", where they can sometimes pass off looking normal!) Because I was more of the "go to" for general stuff, like appointments, and more phone calls, I saw/heard this first - repetitive statements and questions mainly. From there, I started looking up information - I have NOT stopped learning anything yet and it started two years or more ago! Even with that knowledge, one has to learn how to behave in response to the issues and it is not easy. It took some time to "train" my brothers how to deal with some of the issues, but the younger one still doesn't get the full picture! Even "placing" her in a memory care facility was not something they wanted to do, but they do not have the capability or knowledge to care for someone with this condition (especially the one still working full time) and I cannot handle her physically, so this was not an option (she was previously living alone.)

"We recently saw a neurologist. I now understand a little better and wish I could do that first year over." As the saying goes, "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride!" Should've, would've, could've... We all have our faults and have made mistakes in life, but so long as we acknowledged them and improved ourselves, we need to let the guilt go. In your case you were not aware of what the issue was, so you should let this guilt go!! You have apologized and he says he loves you - THAT should make you feel better. When growing up, you made mistakes and perhaps felt guilty then too, but he still loved you then, didn't he? Have you let those feelings of guilt go? This is no different. For what it is worth, given he has dementia he probably does not even remember you being "harsh" with him. YOU remember it, but again you were trying your best at the time with no clue as to what the issue was behind his forgetfulness. Carry on and shower him with that compassion now! THAT is what is important.

You are informed now and have adjusted your behavior accordingly. You've acknowledged your shortcomings and are doing your best. Let that guilt go. There will be future challenges and decisions that could bring on more guilt, but you have to learn to let that go too. We do what we have to do and work to make ourselves better as we go through life and its challenges.

We can't change the past. You are doing what you need to and remember, he won't remember those things, just hope kind you are now. Smile and enjoy your time together...

You might feel guilty for a while, but then you'll realise you are not at fault because you didn't know better. In fact, your intention at the time was pure and benevolent. So, you should actually remember your loving intentions to your dad that he should get better. Your intent (right or wrong) is what counts.

I use to fill this way all the time I wish I could take back somethinges i said or did. Then I thought, if I had never made these bad mistakes I wouldn't have the good things inside I wouldn't be the same person. Then also I have children that say some harsh things to me and I remember the things I said to my dad. I think dad's understand and it's an automatic forgiveness, maybe even away to feel forgiveness for what I said as I forgave my kids I think my dad forgave me.

Pray this scripture:
Ephesians 4:31 "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice."
To summarize, bitterness is not healing and will not let you move forward, if you hang onto it. Let it go and "Let God."
This I pray in Jesus' name.
Amen

Your father will be the very first person to forgive you! Even if you chat to him about how you were last year, he will not remember, nor think it worth bothering about. He is living in the moment (and also the dim and distant past) so you should too. Just chat about the day and about tomorrow, and get him to reminisce about his childhood. Say you want to know more about how he met your mother.
As for mistakes, just be aware and don't repeat them. You learn by living and you learn by loving. Nobody ever demanded that you pass a test in order to become a family carer.

Yes, we like know nothing but they seem like they're not trying. Then your told what it is & you can see it all. Feeling we shld have seen it & now what. Well I started here. Ageing care.com. never knew about support groups. Since was given The 36 Hr Day, found Alz Reading Rm on internet finding great article free to print (28 pgs) Understanding the Dementia Experience, then found a support group which meets weekly. Someone told me type Teepa Snow & learn a lot. I now try to stay ahead of next change so I'm not so devastated like when he asked me who I was (63 yr marriage). Main thing to remember there is your world (changeable) & the world they are in (unchangeable). They later on are like 5 yr old in lge depth store & just lost his mommy, scared to death. Always telling them they are safe & you love them & someone will always be with them. (Might be later when shouldn't be left alone. You'll do fine as you are a caring person. You will never be superwoman so don't try. Get time when you can do something for yourself before your get stressed out unknowingly. God bless you.

Well....hon...I don't know how far along in this journey you are. But it gets worse and worse and worse. You dad as you know him is going to lose more and more and more of his faculties as his brain deteriorates. So just knock it off, all this 'guilt' - he is going to get much worse. You can weep and wail and beg forgiveness till the end of time, but it will get worse and you will go mad if you think, 'oh, if only dadda knew how much I looooove him and how very sorry I am for being harsh.' While he is pooping into a Depends (hopefully! and not the closet) , or walking down the road naked, or telling you about the people living under the bed, or flushing all his medications down the toilet, or....any of a number of horrible things. All the good feelings and guilt over not being nice to Dadda will disappear in the overwhelming wave of horror that is caregiving, when he will not even know exactly who you are!  That phase of life you remember him from is gone, like childhood is gone for us, like youth is gone for us.  He has entered a new phase of whatever life is left, and you simply MUST get over it.   He won't remember any of that.   What does it matter now???

Well, not every situation comes with a guide manual! Take care of him as best as you can. That's all one can do. If you go down the guilt road, you're going bury not only your own happiness, but your family's joy too. That's what at stake! Sit and write your heart out about whatever that's bothering you. Pour all your nagging thoughts. Once, you are done doing it, burn it. Don't visit those thoughts ever again! Otherwise, you can kiss your happiness goodbye!