I am new and this is going to be a novel so please bear with me.
My mother is in her early 70’s and retired a year ago. She has been hoarding for the past 35 years. She was an incredibly abusive and neglectful parent to myself and my siblings growing up and has been diagnosed with several mental health disorders, has been in and out of therapy for the past decade and has been on and off of a number of antidepressants, mood stabilizers and sleep medications.
After she retired, instead of addressing her hoarding issues and downsizing, she decided to buy out my uncle’s half of the rental house they owned together and move to North Carolina from New York. This house is about twice the size of the house she was previously living in.
I tried to have a realistic, numbers-based conversation with her when she retired about the sheer volume of possessions she owns and why she should consider staying in the northeast and continue to get rental income from the house down south instead of moving down there. I found a number of well-kept 55+ communities, condos and mobile homes that were both affordable and in safe areas, and tried to get her to think about the responsibility and burden of maintaining and cleaning a huge home and yard in her old age but she wanted nothing to do with it.
After I went through a year’s worth of PTO and spent 8 months cleaning out and boxing up her home, my mother was finally able to move after four trips in a 26 foot Uhaul truck and three trips in her personal vehicle - she refused to get rid of 90% of her things.
In addition to being overwhelmed by her hoard, I have had concerns for the past 2 years or so about her forgetfulness. Whenever she has brought up that 4 of her 5 aunts had dementia, I gently suggested multiple times that she talk to her doctor and keep that in mind when deciding where to live in her retirement. Again, she wanted nothing to do with it.
Over the past six months I noticed that she has been repeating herself more and more in texts and calls. Last week, she called me to say that she was lost because she was on her way to Lowe’s (a less than ten minute drive for her) but she couldn’t find it this time even with GPS. This is a huge red flag for me. My uncle also texted me the other day saying that my mom isn’t responding to voicemails for weeks at a time and has become “really hard to get ahold of”.
I am struggling with what to do at this point because for almost all my life my mom has used her memory as an excuse to not take responsibility for her history of abusive behavior - any time something was brought up to her or questioned she would simply say she didn’t remember it happening. It has become difficult at this point for me to distinguish what could be the beginning stages of dementia from lies that she is telling to avoid taking ownership of her actions or to obtain attention and money from others. Due to my mother’s past actions and dishonest behavior, my brother, sister, and my sister’s partner do not speak with my mother at all. I am the only one of us who communicates with her and I try to keep it limited to avoid arguments and her verbal abuse.
My mother has often laughed that if she needs to go into a nursing home she’ll “just move back” to New York because of the state health insurance system there vs. the one in North Carolina. I am worried this may need to happen sooner rather than later and am now overwhelmed at the incredible distance as well as the fact that I will not have anyone to help me. My parents divorced 20 years ago and the only family near my mom is my uncle who is in his 70’s as well and has severe back issues. He is a very caring person but he is physically limited to what he can do. How would I begin to navigate having my mom evaluated if she won’t go to the doctor? How can I make sure her hoarding doesn’t become a safety issue as it has in the past? I have a special needs teen, a full time job and live 11 hours away. Please help!
8 months and she kept 90% of her stuff plus it took 4 trips in a Uhaul truck from NY to NC to bring her hoard with her. That is insanity times one million.
That was when you should have put your foot down and refused to help her with the move.
Mom chose to move to NC and I would offer no help in bringing her back to NY. You know she wont cooperate and if you feel she is a danger to herself then APS needs to be called so she can be evaluated. Dont hold out hope they will place her right away. Shes going to have to get pretty bad before that happens.
She stole your childhood with her abuse. Dont let her steal the rest of your life from you. Unfortunately many people are their own worst enemies and can't be helped.
I would advise uncle to not help also and if he sees troubling behavior to call the appropriate authorities to help his sister.
She is a sinking ship. Dont let her take you down with her. I have no sympathy for child abusers. Especially the ones who conveniently feign amnesia about the terrible things they did to their defenseless children.
As you haven't been here in the past you cannot know that yours is not an uncommon problem. And the sad news is that there almost never is "an answer" or "the answer" to such a problem, because mental illness is involved. Most states will not even give conservatorship or guardianship in the case of mental illness, as they might in the case of diagnosed and verified dementia. And let us just assume that somehow you COULD get guardianship? What do you suppose it would take to have your Mom placed? And WHERE, exactly, because ALF and Nursing Homes can and do cherry pick the residents that are the least problem.
It must seem hopeless to read the beginning of this. And for your Mom it may be. She is mentally ill and of an age. She doesn't fall under any category of "fix it" that I know of, and if you remain here you will see her story over and over again.
If I had a dime for every time I have recommended this book to OPs coming here I would be rolling in money about now. But will again recommend the memoir by Liz Scheier called Never Simple. It is almost certain your library can get it or you can find it cheap and used on amazon or other used book sites. Ms. S tried to care for her mentally ill mom literally for decades with the entire city and state of New York attempting to help her. All to no avail.
You may be left with a call to APS to report a senior in need, and with actually refusing any attempts at guardianship and asking for the state to step in and become guardians. Then placement will occur through their social workers, any assets of your Mom will be sold by a licensed fiduciary, and arrangements will be made by that court appointed person.
You cannot save your Mom. You did not create this and you cannot fix it so while grief is appropriate the other g-word is NOT (guilt). Not everything has a good answer. Not everything can be fixed.
I am so dreadfully sorry. I hope you will hear of/find a better answer, and if you do I hope you will post it here as so many are waiting to hear it.
Again, welcome to the forum. We often cannot help, but at least you will recognize that you are not alone. My heart goes out to you. I am so dreadfully sorry for all you are going through, all you HAVE gone through, all you WILL go through.
Be smart like your siblings and don't get involved.
As sp19690 wrote, if you feel she is a danger to herself, then call APS.
You already know your Mother has mental illness. Hoarding is also a mental disorder that requires treatment from an experienced therapist. A hoarder will never go into AL and voluntarily leave their hoard behind. The best you can do is report her to APS when things get really bad. If no one is her PoA then the county will eventually move to acquire guardianship if she is too incapacitated or vulnerable to care for her own wellbeing.
Or, she has a medical incident requiring a trip to the ER, at which point you show up with pictures of her hoarded house and tell the hospita social worker that she's an "unsafe discharge" and should go directly into a facility.
Respectfully, you keep wanting your Mother to be someone she's not, and apparently never was. You may benefit by talking to a hoarding therapist yourself so that you can create healthy boundaries as you continue to have a relationship with her. Learn what enabling is, and also dysfunctional, co-dependent relationships. You are participating in her sickness. Please rescue yourself first, since that's really the only control you have.
Your can't have your Mother's recovery for her. You aren't responsible for her happiness.