How do I handle/ respond to mom's questions when leaving a visit without disrupting her morning/day?

Well, there is no answer to control dementia and how your Mom will react at any given moment. She can't hide her feelings now, and let's it all hang out. And we know it can't be predicted. So there are two givens.
What CAN be predicted is that it is going to go one way or the other. One of two ways. She is going to be happy or she is going to be unhappy.
Now if she is HAPPY, we are ALL happy, and can get on with the day.

So we are left with just the ONE problem. It isn't the unpredictability that is the problem. The problem is that sometimes she believes she can come home with you, that there is a way she can, and she asks, and she may cry and be sad and hurt.
The truth is that she will not remember this for too long once you are out of sight.
However, YOU are hurting. And you DO remember.
So now we are left with you going to visit knowing that there is a 50-50 chance that this visit is going to leave you in pain.
And boy, here's where we hit the rock; because there is no answer.
Now that it is down to that one thing, you being in pain, helpless to help her, helpless to "fix it" for her, no MATTER that you can rationalize that she will be OK as soon as activities start, you will be in pain. The last memory of her will be that you hurt her because there isn't anything you can do to change this.
And hon, there just isn't anything you can do to change the times this ends with pain.
You can only have the excellent knowledge and perceptions you already wrote on this thread. There is nothing else left to you. Please try not to be so sad. Please remember that all our lives, while our hearts beat, there are times we are sad and afraid and unhappy and worried and helpless, and angry. We are those things as soon as we are capable of thought. We are them at age three when Mom leaves us with a sitter. We are them our first day of school. We are them all the way through our lives. We stub our toes and are in some pain all of our lives. No one can fix it. It's part of life.
Think of your Mom's long long life. Imagine the times she was afraid, in pain, lonely, worried, hopeless, helpless. Try to imagine a time she was NOT visited with worries. And most of those hurts were really not your fault (well, maybe when you were a teen; let me rethink this).
I am so sorry for your pain. But I can't fix it any more than you can fix Moms. I can't even give you a hug, whereas you can still give her that.
I am not much worried about Mom. Like you said, she is going to be OK. It's a part of life, pain. And Mom is so lucky that she is able to be fine and friendly and loving her activities. So many don't have that. So many just shrink into depression that never lifts. Hugs to you and your good heart. Try to comb out some good in this so it doesn't hurt so much.

I think you're already there, more or less - the trick is in the timing. So get her settled in the dining room or the activities room or the tv room, handing her over to a member of staff, kiss her, say when you'll be back (roughly) rather than "goodbye" as such, then slip out and leave her to it.

It sounds as if it's the announcement that you're going that triggers her anxious questions and clinging, do you think?

How often are you visiting her? Maybe replace some visits with a phone call instead? I confess I have struggled with the visiting issue with my MIL who has almost no short-term memory. If she doesn't remember I was ever there, what's the point? I ask if her other sons have called her but she always says they haven't (they do call her often). I would never not visit her -- I do love her still and care about her. I also need to make sure she is getting the best care and I still believe the in-person visits benefit her in some way, but sometimes I think its more for my own self, to not feel guilty. You will need to work this out in your heart and mind as there is no one correct answer for everyone. May you receive peace into your heart.

My mom is in memory care too and she likes to read. Her favorites are racy romance novels and gossip magazines. If I pull one out of my bag just before I leave i.e. "Oh, I forgot - I brought you this magazine to read," she can't wait for me to leave so she can dive into it!

I agree with Countrymouse. For only being one month into this you are doing some great thinking and problem solving already. Way ahead in the learning curve. Pat yourself on the back!!!

I don’t know if this will work for you - or if it works once, will it work again... Your post got me thinking back 100 years when I was a teenage babysitter. I sat for a little girl who wanted me to lay down with her until she fell asleep. Problem was - when I laid down with her she would keep talking and giggling and it would take forever for her to fall asleep. Much longer than any teenager ready to raid the fridge and get on the phone could withstand! Sooo - I’d say to her after I laid down with her a couple of minutes “Sweetie, I just remembered I have to make a quick phone call (or whatever) I’ll be back in a few minutes”. And, of course when I’d go back to check on her in five minutes - she’s be fast asleep. Worked every time. Would something like that work with your mom - especially after handing her the recent copy of Martha Stewart Living?

What I find horrible is the inconsistency with behaviors. The not knowing what to expect. The ever changing moods and attitudes that come along with dementia. My mother is in memory care as well and while she never begs me to stay or take her home with me (thank God), she does drop hints to let me know she thinks it's 'terrible' that children put their mothers in places like this. She was fine with Assisted Living, but she 'doesn't belong' in memory care, which she DOES, she's just not 'as bad' as some of the other residents. Sigh. I'm sure you know the routine. We have the same conversation almost daily, about why she's in MC instead of her old apartment at the ALF, and it really does cause me a lot of anxiety in general, especially as the only child having to deal with ALL of it, 24/7. I feel your pain.

I take the dog to visit mother sometimes, which is a diversion. It keeps her mind OFF of the chronic complaining and sniping and ON the lovable little animal who's licking her face.

I bring goodies, primarily her favorite little Entenmann's individually wrapped coffee cakes.

I bring a new blouse with a matching piece of costume jewelry for her.

I bring a book or a magazine (she has a People subscription sent directly to her each week)

In other words, I bring distractions. Things to make her smile. Nothing's gonna 'fix' this, but things will temporarily make her happy, I suppose, and help her forget how miserable she tells me her life is. If I show up unannounced, by the way, she's doing JUST FINE and mingling, laughing, joking, and generally having a good time. It's only when I come around that the complaining and misery begins.

Keep that in mind............WE are their shoulder to cry on.

Best of luck!

My mom has been at an AL almost 5 mo. Very similar , can’t remember who has been there ect . Still at 5mo some days it is the best place and she has everything she needs . Other days it’s a “hole” “ ok for a prison “ or “ if you have to be put away , it’s ok “ kinda place . If she wakes up too early she may call me to remind her where she is and no I can’t come get you I’m at work . She may get it in her head that my brother is coming to take her home and she calls him - she forgets calling . She can remember the street address to her home but not where it actually is or what the house looked like or her things . Most of the residents there always reference home at some point . I think it will lessen but there’s no place like home and as long as there is an inkling of memory in there somewhere I think it will surface . I always remind her that there was no one there to ck on her ( we tried hiring someone and she fired them ) she lives by me now and we can spend time together ect . Once upon a time her household was busy with visitors / family ect and she remembers that . She doesn’t remember sleeping in til noon , not getting out , eating nothing but sweets / fast food , sitting in the dark most of the time , not taking her medicine , no one but me or my brother coming by her house . It was one of the hardest things in the world to move her but she is safe and taken care of and she may not remember but she has new friends and participates in most activities . Sometimes it’s like when you have dropped your child at day care - they cry and complain but when you aren’t there they are having a pretty good time .

I LOVE being close enough to be able to drop in to see my LO whenever I feel like it, and my LO is TYPICALLY happy to see me and happy when I leave, LOL.
She has been in a very nice Memory Care setting for about 1 1/2 years. The only problem presently is that she appears to be among the higher functioning on the floor, and sometimes reacts negatively to some of the problem behaviors around her.
I ALWAYS have a “gee-I-wish-I-could-but-when-I-leave-I-have-to.......” speech ready in case I need it, and at this point she is willing to accept it and will sometimes say “Someone can pick me up later.” With her, I think what she remembers of “home” is the loving convivial atmosphere of many years ago, and not the house that she most recently worried about, fell in, and lived alone in.
I also think you have a positive and loving and most important, realistic approach to your mo5er’s situation.
Give it some more time and see if her adjustments are moving toward the positive. If not, consider speaking to social services about having her visited by someone who may help you offer her some counseling or even possible medical intervention.
A trained geriatric psychiatry physician’s assistant has been wonderful in helping us manage our LO’s comfort.

I could've written this question! You have had so many good responses and suggestions here too. Once again, not only do I benefit from the answers, but I don't feel like I'm alone in this struggle. I think some of my anxiety is caused by thinking "is my Mom's behavior normal (whatever that is anyway!)?" So, seeing that so many others are having similar experiences lessens that anxiety and guilt too. I know that my Mom is so much safer where she is, there's no way she can be home now after two serious falls. Sometimes, out of the blue, she will say something like "you're taking me home today right?". It still surprises me but now I just say "Mom, you're in a wheelchair and you have 15 stairs you have to climb to get into the house so this is a better option for you right now, don't you think?" I find that she just drops it and starts talking about something else. I also learned (the hard way!) that she won't remember that conversation after a few minutes either. But, maybe she feels somehow that she's also making the decision about where she's living when I ask a question and not make a statement. Hugs to you and your Mom.

Maybe you could say, "I'll be right back. I have to check on the weather," or something. And then leave and don't come back until the next visit.

I will usually tell my mom that I'm going to work and will see her later. It doesn't matter what time if day it is.

After 2.5 years in an assisted nursing facility, mom still wants to come home. She always thinks she is in the hospital due to the medical support there, and she always thinks she has been there only a few days. Every day, she asks to go home. Every day, I have to face my sadness of not being able to take care of her at home. She is now 98 and has recently been in ICU with pneumonia and heart failure, and still survives that! Who does that at that age?

My husband and I (around 70yrs old) moved in with her for 5 years, of which that last year we both got sick, could not sleep, could not work - all due to watching her at night and day so she would not fall over and over, taking her to ER and doc appointments continually. And yes, the hardest decision for me was to place her in the assisted nursing home. It was either that, or our own health and ability to work for our retirement!

You are not alone in this situation. The only lesson this is teaching me (which at times I don't get) is that I cannot do more for her than I already am doing.
Boy! Your question/situation is exactly mine! I have been dealing with this aspect of her dementia now for 10 years. I am exhausted but continue on for her sake.

People say I feel guilty. I don't. What I do feel is an immense sense of sadness for mom's situation which takes away my joy and enthusiasm towards my own life. In 10 years, I have not been able to plan a vacation with my husband as each time I do, something of an emergency happens to Mom. I am a creative person yet it is so hard to scout out some time for my creativity as I know the shoe is about to fall and I have to run to support her during another crisis.

I am writing my experiences not to be negative, but to let you know that what I am learning, although slowly, is to make space for my self and my life even in this impossible situation - even if I have to combat the feelings of sadness for not seeing her that day. Not an easy thing, as Mom needs more and more emotional attention as she enters a new phase of dementia.

My heart is with you and with all of us caregivers who find themselves in this un-resolvable situation. May we all find our own core of joy and enthusiasm sooner than later!

It sounds like your mother is doing pretty well and that you can take heart that her expectation of going home evaporates soon after you are out of sight. She may still associate seeing you with the idea of being taken home, but it sounds like she is pretty easily re-directed.

Many of us deal with sadness that we cannot comply with our LO's requests or guilt for leaving them, but we take solace in the fact they are safe and provided for w/out compromising their/our safety and health.

Some suggested fewer visits, but clearly you both enjoy them, so I would continue. Visits with my mother aren't enjoyable, mainly due to hearing loss (she has hearing aid, but it only does so much.) It's hard to "visit" when there isn't much communication. Your mom sounds a bit more "with it". 

Mom's 'conversations' revolve around various topics, sometimes her previous home (the one prior to last one), her mother (and maybe father), asking about one of my brothers, or just general 'stuff.' It isn't really a conversation, but rather her just making/repeating statements and not really listening/hearing anything I say in response. DO enjoy your visits and DON'T harbor any guilt.

ANY deflection might work to avoid the pain of hearing her ask to go with you. Small treats, magazines, books, snacks, etc can work well. Certainly no need to buy something for every visit - recycling previous offerings (obviously not snacks!) can work well, as often they don't recall what they have already seen/read. Consider Dollar Tree (the only "real" dollar store, everything is $1 or less!) to pick up little games, books, toys, treats. You can carry a few with you, just in case something already there doesn't work.

Making an excuse to step out works well too (have to go to work, use the bathroom, check on the dog in the car, etc.) We refer to it as fibbing or little white lies. Lying can be bad, but only when it's done to hurt others. In these cases, it's to avoid hurt. By not saying 'goodbye', but rather excusing yourself and saying you'll be back is usually enough - and not really a lie! Getting her involved in some group activity, if there happens to be one at that time might work too. Sometimes if I leave mom at the table in the dining area and go to her room or the hall bathroom, she's forgotten I was even there. I have walked the long way around to exit so she won't see me when that happens.

The first time she asked me to drop her off at her mother's on my way home, she took me by surprise (for 9 mo she hounded YB to take her back to her condo, but not me.) I had to think quickly, looked at my watch, said it is a little late in the day and not exactly on my way, maybe tomorrow. She said ok and then promptly asked if I had a key to the place in Concord, where they used to live 25 years ago! Not with me, will check when I get home! Both times she accepted. It does leave the 'door' open for them, but generally by the time you get back it is forgotten.

As others have said, if you happen to drop in and do some observing without being seen, very often (not always) you might find your LO participating in activities or socializing and they seem relatively happy. Seeing you, they may revert back to that sadness, nothing to do here, bored, want to get out, etc. I know I have seen my mother "participating" although sometimes her hearing loss would negate it (music with singing???) She does love Bingo. Someone said it is like leaving your kids at daycare or school - tears, whining, crying, clinging, etc, yet they have a ball once you leave. Funny that my son sent a picture of his son's first day going to pre-school (pic with sign at their front door.) When they got there, he bolted off to the room, no goodbye, hugs, kisses, he just couldn't WAIT to get there!

So, everyone is different, and most certainly everyone with any cognitive issues is different as well. We just have to know we have done our best and now do what we can to ensure our LO is cared for. It is also okay to feel sad or even a little guilty, but focus on the good times, both past and present!!

As much as I didn’t like being told to ‘prepare’ for a Full Moon on Friday - I found myself better able to handle
the ebb and flow of my loved one.
(Yes, there also was a clear ebb and flow
from the other residents as well).
I arrive close to meal time. Tidy up the room. Check on supplies and get my loved one to the table.
They are more than happy to see me go as long as they get their meal.
A new Memory Care resident has a toy
dog that is very life like. I am introduced to this dog at every visit by MY loved one.
I also catch her making eye contact and waving. (She was a cat lover).
Thank all of you who are courageous enough to post. I am truly grateful and appreciate each and every one of you.

Answer her questions truthfully, then leave after telling her when you will return. Mark it on a big calendar so that she will know when you plan to return. Reassure her that if there is a legitimate emergency, you will return for it if it occurs before your next return date. You can take her down to where the activities take place and leave her with them on the way out. That will take her mind off of your leaving.

I stumbled upon a solution one day with my mom that I now use every day. When she questions me leaving “so soon” etc..., I now say that my husband has dinner waiting for me. She loves him. She responds the same way every time, “Oh, well you can’t keep him waiting. How did you get to be so lucky?”

Although my mother didn't have Alzheimer's, she would repeat the same story the literal 1,001x over. Although I tried to determine why this was, I never could since I'm not a psychiatrist. But the best I could determine was that she would stick with these stories since she couldn't engage in convo of the latest politico news, i.e. On one particular instance, though, she did surprise me. She said "You have a Facebook account. Do you also have a Twitter account?" I thought - wow, that's pretty genius, how does my 94 year old mother know that Twitter exists?
Prayers for you as you go through this journey with your mother. Hold onto the days - good and bad.

Your mom don't want to be among strangers. There should be a way you can keep her home with you. She must be afraid she is going to alone from people she love. You might want to try help at home. I have seem so many people I know, remove there parent from home and they get depress. They don't be happy. I have my mother with me for 10 years now. It is not easy. I went through an agent and got some help. You have to try them out with you being present. Take your time and see which one will be good with your mom.

I feel that same about my Mom, sad to leave her. When she starts with "Take me home". I give the quilt back at her. I can't lift you up to go bathroom and bath you because of my back. Do you want me to get hurt and wind up in a hospital? Something like that. She then feels sorry for me and stops. This is the truth, I do have back problems and cannot lift heavy things.

Thank you all for the great suggestions. My husband has the beginnings of Lewy Body Dementia and I'm aware I will need a volume of positive ideas to assist him as well as me through some tough days. Thank you.

Ask the Staff to Hlp in any Way Possible, All you can do is Do what you are Doing, Saying....Continue this...

Bless your heart. I went through this with my mom also after I took her to her facility. Yes, you are right about it being fairly new. The staff told me it takes a good 2 to 3 months for them to adapt to their new "home". Soon it will be all routine and she will adjust as much as she can. Some do better than others depending on far along they are in their journey. Here are some suggestions the staff gave me: Never give a time that you will be back, my mom was able to tell time and their was a clock at the nurses desk. It's always, I will see you in a little bit due to her not remembering when exactly I came or would be back but it sounds better to them than saying I'll see you tomorrow. When she would ask if she could go with me I would simply say my husband has a dr's appt. or that I did and it's going to be a long wait but I'll be back after (which is not a lie because you WILL see her after maybe just not that day). The staff was always really helpful when I was having a rough time getting away. I would motion to them and they would redirect her with asking her if she could help them do something. After a while it did get to be here "home" and she and I would walk the halls and she would point out different things that we had talked about the day before and the day before that. And I agree with another post.....not all of us are trained caregivers and can handle different situations in our homes. I took care of both my mom and dad until their passings 3 yrs ago for mom and just this May for my dad. Did it for 10 years living with them for 6 mos after dad's heart attack. That's when I knew I couldn't handle my mom by myself. She would not allow anyone to come clean (because she had just done it don't you know:)) or come in to take care of dad or herself. It finally errupted with with me catching her hitting my father (which she would have NEVER done in her right and clear mind) because she didn't understand WHY he wouldn't get out of bed and take her to eat after his heart attack and surgery (even though she said she remembered why he was in bed but 5 min. later she didn't). Needless to say it was a terrible time for her, my dad and for me. All this being said, I wish you the best on this journey you are both on. Hold on for the ride.....

Good Luck and God Bless

Maybe don’t say you are leaving? Just give her a hug and say you need a wee or just want to check something in her room and leave. If she’s doing an activity that should keep her occupied and she will forget you’ve not been back.

If you get staff there to help at such times - she will be fine. Don’t feel guilty - it saves her getting distressed knowing you are leaving or starting a lot of questions to delay you.

I used to go to my uncles and later my fathers room last thing to check if anything was needed. Maybe that could be a routine for you?

Floridagirl6;

In response to my comment, you noted and asked: "...visits aren't enjoyable, as I read through many of these threads I notice that seems to be very common occurrence... I'm just curious if that is part of The disease or personality of the individual or maybe both."

I wouldn't say it is really the disease, at least not for all cases - our mom wasn't really outgoing or extra social. She wasn't anti-social either, but she would say things about others when they weren't there, all long before dementia. Her world is pretty small now for many reasons (a lot of time she sits reading magazines, newspapers, sales catalogs, etc - no TV, so she's not really "in" the current world! Her hearing issue doesn't help (has been degrading/bad for a long time) and probably contributes to a lot of who/how she is now.

Others, I have read about some who seem totally different than they were before dementia, some who have changed a little, some who really are about the same. There are no rules, rhyme or reason to dementia. I think there are cases where perhaps the condition lowers the "filters" or inhibitions, resulting in some behavior that surprises many family/friends, as the person was never like that before! Since in most cases there is regression (I refer to my mother as 96 going on 2), it could be they've reached that stage in early life when those filters hadn't been adopted/learned - think of how many toddlers will ask questions or make blunt statements, no matter how painful those might seem to us.

Please don't fret about what might come next. You can prepare for some changes by reading up information and/or hearing from others here, but not everyone follows the same path or experiences the same changes. Being informed helps if/when those changes happen, but it is only helpful in the sense that you are prepared if it happens. Worrying if it will won't change anything and will just add to your stress! Enjoy what you can while you can!!!

It is nice to read about people like you and your mom who still enjoy each other and spending time together! I do hope you will have that special relationship for a long time to come!