How do I keep from losing my mind?
Dad is 95 and mom passed 13 years ago. I've been his caregiver for the last 10 years. Last year it all got to be too much for me. I'm the youngest of 3, disabled, and the only one helping Dad. So I set Dad up with in-home care, I thought it would give me a break. But, it only compounded the issue by having to oversee everything and of course Dad not being happy about it. It didn't take long for me to seek a different resolution: a very nice, and I mean upscale, assisted living facility. The first 24 hours resulted in an early morning call from the nurse, "Your father is refusing his medication." and for the last 6 weeks it's been one thing after another. I'm more exhausted, frustrated, and unable to cope now with all this help than when I was doing it all. He's started lying, being mean, not eating, not talking all his medications and I feel guilty. I don't want to hear that I did the right thing or any other vacant platitudes. I'm at my wits' end. He has literally sucked the joy out of my life.
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Typically a parent needs a longer settling in period - usually several weeks. It is often recommended that the caregiver give some space - not visit as often or for very long periods to give the staff and the patient time to adjust to each other and settle in to their routine. Most patients end up adjusting well and making friends and participating in the activities.
Also - the ALF should be able to handle the medications issue. Ask them to handle and only call you for true emergencies - like a hospitalization. Otherwise you will indeed get sucked dry.
You mentioned that you do not want to hear that you did the right thing. I'm going to have to upset you and tell you that you did. You are a loving daughter who recognized that DAD NEEDED A DIFFERENT LEVEL OF CARE and you provided that for him. Yes, Dad is angry - he can't help aging and all that goes with it. But your role is to see that he is helped, taken care of to the best level possible. It no longer could be you hands on. You can only control what you DO, not how your dad FEELS.
Breathe deep - explore some of the other threads on this board and i think you will find good suggestions and encouragement. You are important too - how you are feeling physically, emotionally, etc. It is time to re-balance and take care of yourself too, so that you can advocate for your dad as needed.
My dad spent the past six months angry as h*ll that he is in the nursing home. He blamed everyone - but the fall that put him there. Yesterday he told my step mom that he understood that he needed more hands on care and that they took very good care of him at his nursing home, and that the staff was kind in spite of all of his rudeness. It takes time. Bless you!
My dad was diagnosed with CHF in his late 70's and did really well for a while. But when it began to slow him down - dad was really active - and he needed to start medication and adjust his eating and his lifestyle, he couldn't accept it. So because the Lasix was interfering with his activities - having to pee all the time - he began playing loosey-goosey with his pills. This lead to him not sleeping since he timed the pills so he peed at night. Eventually, things compounded and another medical issue came into play - boom - five weeks in rehab and he was never the same.
Funny thing is - in the long run it wasn't my dad that drove me to the edge of complete mental and physical collapse- it was my mother.
My parents moved to Independent Living at this time. As luck would have it, my mom had a medical crisis at the exact same time. Dad had a hired full time caregiver but my mom fully recovered - except for a pesky little oxycodone abuse problem she had developed.
All of a sudden I was in charge of their lives in addition to having my own which includes an adult son with a sevear disability living at home.
Daddy was easy and we were very close. Although we did have several trips to the ER to get his lungs drained and a couple overnights in the hospital- largely due to daddy not eating right - trips to McD's for French fries - curtesy of my mother. Unfortunately he passed away about 18 months later. My mother on the other hand was a nightmare that just got worse and worse. She fought me every step of the way - actually went out of her way to be difficult, pick fights and in general - made my life h*ll. And that was before the dementia kicked in. Once that was in effect I was in for a real joy ride.
I know all about the rashes and hair loss. I had what I refer to as the "mystery rash". After months of seeing dermatologist and assorted tests and biopsys they said "stress induced eczema". Great. The hair loss I was able to fix with some research and my own vitamin/supplement cocktail. But I went several months with a bright shiny patch of scalp showing where my bangs use to be. Talk about kicking you when you're down!
Anyhoo - I get it. I really do. But Im just a no bs, to the point, straight shooter. Which I know isn't everyone cup of tea. But if I can help you with specific suggestions - let me know.
My "stress" has lightened up in just the few months I've been
here.
People always say that raising kids is the hardest job ever...not true for me...aging parents are in my case...but the experienced people here calm my heart and give me better clarity!
And no matter what time of day it is there's always someone here with a shoulder to cry on or just someone to listen.
thinking of you, Bella
Take a breath. This is hard for both of you. If you wind up taking him home hire plenty of help so you can escape more often. This is a very hard situation.
I'm assuming that dad was assessed before going to AL, and that they told you they could handle his needs. In the nicest possible way, tell them that they need to do that: handle his needs.
If he's refusing meds and you are his healthcare proxy, you need to discuss with the Director of Nursing how they are going to handle non-compliance. Toss the ball back into their court; what is THEIR plan?
Frustration. Anger. Sadness. Anxiety.
I feel completely alone screaming inside my head all day long. And I'm tired, so f'n tired....
I'm becoming someone I'm not and don't want to be.
I realized one day, sitting in a zombie like state, that I could control some of the burden by simply not accepting it. The guilt I had was placed there by me and I could remove it as well.
I do the best I can with love and sympathies but it is what it is. I guess in short, I grew a thicker skin and use a more of a tough love approach. Nothing harsh, always with love but, sorry, I can't do that/change that/deal with that/live like that etc. I no longer cater, bend over backwards, or have people walk all over me. I've put my foot down with family who don't help or people who snark and complain. They will have something bad to say no matter what I do so why am I killing myself? And if someone is not or cannot help, they are not allowed to comment on my choices or decisions. Period.
I've asked family members to please leave my home for doing just that. Feel free to return when you are willing to participate.
I try to solve moms temper tantrum's with hugs but insults will make me leave the room usually singing the Rolling Stones' you can't always get what you want ...but sometimes you get what you need...
I'm human.I know in my heart that I'm doing Allright, not perfect, but I do care and I show it. I work hard and do whatever I am able. That's enough. I no longer carry guilt (although in my case I think I mixed guilt with worry about what others thought)....
I cannot change others only myself. It has helped a lot, and has earned me respect from others where there was none before.
At the end of the day, I lay my head on my pillow, knowing I'm a good person and I've done the right thing. It's day by day but I am regaining some control of my own life and feel I am slowly returning to normal.
No trolling involved just honestly trying to get to the point of what type of answer/advice you're looking for.
I went through six years of what you're now dealing with. I am not the enemy.
So the missing year? It was this last year - the final year. Someone - most likely Barb - suggested getting my mom to a geriatric psychiatrist. Then when I was seeing my own doctor - for a little anti anxiety medication FOR ME, he said his wife was dealing with the same thing and getting his father-in-law to a geriatric psychiatrist was the best thing they ever did.
So I got my mom an appointment- a month to wait. I told my mom a "therapeutic fib" - that it was an appointment to see if a "new memory medication" would be right for her. My mom openingly admitted her memory was going - plus she had always been a bit of a hypochondriac- so any reason to go to a doctor worked for her.
The psychiatrist talked to mom, did some tests. Then he talked to me and told me his plan - a complete medication overhaul.
It took about a month since old meds had to be stopped gradually and the same for starting the new meds. But after that month my mother was so much better - more her old self than she had been in years - and in no way was mom a medicated zombie- for the first time in the eight weeks she had been in the nursing home, she was spending time out of her room and was actually taking part in activities.
So together with my new boundaries and moms new meds, we reached the point - jellybean, that you said you longed for with your dad. We were finally able to spend time together as mother and daughter- without arguments and drama.
I will always be grateful for this time as I had been so angry at my mom for so long. Angry, worn out to the bone and sad. The tragic part is that a couple of months after this blessed calm, the dementia tightened its grip on my mom and she was loosing the ability to talk and to eat - she began sleeping more and more. Hospice was called and six months later mom passed. But even though it was only for a short time - having this period of peace at the end has made a difference in my moving on.
I won't be a hypocrite or lie and say I'm not still angry at her - at the whole frickin' situation- but I do think that in time I'll be able to heal and get past it. Something I doubt I'd be able to do if I had not finally set my boundaries nor taken my mom to the geriatric psychiatrist.
Jellybean- if you can get your dad to go - lying if that's what it takes - it could make all the difference in the world.
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