For instance changing light bulbs, climbing up in the closet, doing yard work in 95 degree heat. She complains constantly about how much pain she is in - back, arms, legs - yet she will spend a hot afternoon pulling weeds until she becomes soaked in sweat and almost passes out. Or rearranging the crazy hoards of stuff crammed in every nook of the house. These activities end with her in tears followed by an angry screaming rant.
I didn't mean any offense about not having it so terrible.
I can't help but feel like our parents still get to make stupid danger choices and we can only watch, only guardianship gives us authority and I for one pass on that responsibility for my parents. The state can intervene. I am not giving up my peace of mind because they want to be stubborn. I cross the bridges as I come to them and if that is a cracked skull or broken hip because they are going to by god do what they want, well I didn't push them and I can only help them through the trouble they create.
Perfect example: we have finally gotten her to hire a lawn service to mow her 2 acres. . .is that good enough? No. She told me Sunday that she had been out mowing the day before . . . . .her lawn was beautiful, it had been mowed and trimmed 3 days before, no need for her to be out on a Dixie Chopper (zero turn mower) AT ALL. But she did it. And she seemed pleased that she had outsmarted us and gotten out there to do it! ( I thought someone had disabled the mower last fall, so the fact that it was running was a surprise -- her on it . . . not so much, lol) There are many, many things like that. She's using her cane again, despite the doctor saying she should be on her walker only. I had hidden the cane in the basement when she came home from rehab after breaking her hip (and basement was locked, because she will go down the stairs, another thing she's not supposed to do, *sigh*) but a Gr'son took her down there for a tornado watch two weeks ago . . . and she found it and drug it upstairs, and is happy as a clam (and unsteady as a newborn colt!)
For us, she is going to fall again and get hurt. Probably a hospital stay that will turn into a rehab stay. With luck, rehab will turn into placement in a nursing home. DH always says, "If she falls or does something stupid and kills herself, she went out living in her home like she wanted, so that's good" And I rebut with "And if she falls, and DOESN"T kill herself, we'll have a huge problem!" :(
What I have learned is, I can't protect her from herself and the bad decisions she makes. She has not been declared incompetent, so we do not have "authority" to control her. We do as much as we can, behind her back, (fixing things around the house before she notices and tries to do it herself, swapping out her expired food for fresh, counting pills to see if she's missing doses, etc.) to keep her safe, but in the end - she is stubborn, refuses to admit she's frail and ill, does not follow any restrictions placed on her by doctors or therapist, and will not change her behavior at all. I get better results and behavior from my Siamese cat most days!
So, from my experience, hide what you can that gets her in trouble (stepstools for climbing in the closet, etc.) do what tasks you can that she shouldn't - before she tries to, and make peace with the fact that as long as she is on her own, she's going to do these stupid and dangerous things :( Not the best advice really, but it's all we've been able to do.
She's in assisted living, thank goodness, and we actually have motion-activated cameras on her (she knows). We have learned she's up many times during the night, wanders around her apartment in the dark. We got motion-activated lights. We got always-on lights in some places. Her sanitary habits have deteriorated. Bought stuff to help that. Tightwad that she is, she cut the wipes in half. We took away her scissors. Hand-washing was inadequate. Bought different soap to get more action by the hands (Boraxo).
Problem? We try to find an answer. But in the end, there's only so much one can do. Try to keep her safe but recognize your limitations. There may be dementia, which intensifies certain personality traits (stubbornness among them), making it difficult to recognize.
As someone who used to like some yardwork, I think hydration is a serious issue. Perhaps she could wear a water-bottle-holding waist pack? Can she open bottles? Leave some bottles out there in a discreet place. Even if it's hot, it's still water. Put a chair someplace where it's useful.
Anyway, never mind all that because you've explained :) Your mother is becoming upset and frustrated and angry with her environment and her daily living in general; and when you attempt to help you are coming under fire.
You still can't stop her engaging in these activities. But perhaps what is becoming clear is that her mood and emotional state and cognitive function need investigation and assessment, to see what can be done to help her.
Next tentative question... will she go with you to consult a doctor...? [duck and cover]
I can’t control my mother . Why even try
My mother was the same, doing yard work until she was ready to collapse, dehydrated and frustrated because she was no longer 40. You can’t change it and in a way , while that independent feisty attitude is hard for others to deal with , it also shows a strong will to live. It also pushed my mother to crawl thru 2 rooms with a broken hip to get to the door if her apartment to yell for help. So it’s a toss up lol
I change the light bulbs and the batteries in the smoke detector because the beeping at 4 am drives me nuts and the light is out and I am the only one that lives here. And to call daughter, grandson or anyone else to do these things further diminishes what I can do for myself.
I pull the weeds because no one else will unless I pay them and I don't have the extra $$ to do that. I would rather pay someone to mow my grass every week. (One "indulgence" I will not give up..unless daughter, grandson or someone else shows up to do it)
I totally agree with Countrymouse...is she in tears because this it more than she can handle or is it the argument you start.
If you want her to stop climbing ladders to change the light bulbs Show up one afternoon with all LED bulbs and change every light in her house. She should not have to change bulbs ever again.
If you want her to stop the yard work show up on a Saturday and pull weeds with her or pay a lawn care company to do the work for her. (But I can tell you that will not work she will still find weeds that need pulling)
As for the "stuff" in the house leave it unless it is causing a health or safety risk.
If she needs help finding something offer to help but otherwise leave it, you can worry about how to get rid of it when she is gone.
i know why she is crying. it is because she has exhausted herself to the point she can barely stand up.
i hired a lawn service - see above.
i change the light bulbs and the batteries. she is right behind me changing them again.
My late MIL, in her late 70s, found herself in the hospital, having passed out on the street in 95 degree NYC weather. She asked me to go to her apartment and get some bills that needed to be paid.
Imagine my surprise when I found, on her dining room table, 50 pounds of wooden wainscoting from Home Depot; she had carried it home on the bus the previous day.
I asked if she saw any connection between her passing out and the exertion of the previous day. "No connection at all" was her answer.
Mom found herself in the hospital, after keeping her doors/windows closed and the a/c off, on the first hot summer day. Late evening, she couldn’t stop sweating & lost control of her bowels. Imagine my surprise when she said she had frozen fish for dinner (turning on the oven to prepare). Mom not only does not see a connection between her heat-related collapse and a closed house with the oven on, but argues and yells because *I don’t understand that she had an inner ear issue at that time* (explanation of this event by ER doc). Of course, she believes him, and not me, ‘cause he is a doc. “No connection at all” in her mind between her heat event and her hot house.
chachacha, I feel for you ‘cause I’m going through the same thing, although Mom is 78. I’m taking comfort from the fact that I know the efforts I’ve put in to help her since Dad died (she won’t ask & when I suggest, she says she’ll handle it later, effectively pushing me out). And I’ll be available to help her through the trouble that she creates as a result of her own stubbornness . . .
Someone mentioned the possibility of your mom seeing a specialist to determine an accurate assessment of her mental state. If you can get her to go (mom has been resisting for weeks now....appt. the end of next month) it would be a good thing......perhaps more for you than mom. At least you will know exactly what your dealing with and can prepare accordingly. I know, not much comfort when we face the constant criticism, tantrums, and bad attitudes of our LO. Take care of yourself....the best thing you can do moving forward.
How you divert her from something you'd rather she didn't do depends on why she's doing it and what alternatives she has. For example, if she's changing light bulbs because it's become an obsession, that's one thing; but if she's changing a light bulb because it's blown and there's no one else around to do it, that's reasonable enough. If she's breaking down in despair because she's overwhelmed by her hoards, that's one thing; but if she's getting upset because you try to clear them out, that's different.
It sounds as though you posted immediately after an angry screaming rant, did you..? Please don't think I don't feel for you, I really do - I speak as one who eventually figured out that the *only* *way* mother could have got into the position I had to lift her from was by deciding to unplug the electric sockets behind her glass-fronted display cabinet 😰
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