How do I keep my mother from engaging in risky behavior?

I haven't read all the suggestions (only some), I mainly focused on your questions and your responses to others as they provide more info,.

It sounds like in some cases she is doing some of these things when you go out to run errands. For those times, can you hire someone to keep an eye on her (and keep her occupied so she doesn't think about doing these other tasks?) She may object to a hired care-giver, so perhaps say it is a friend of yours, make some excuse as to why s/he needs to be there while you are out?

Can you lock up the light bulbs and any step-stool used? Do your own changing of bulbs, repairs, etc when she isn't up/around to follow behind you. Can you block access to any closet that might invite climbing (use a locking door handle)? If she demands entry, make some excuse as to why it is locked (needs repair, etc.)

You have already hired someone for yard work (and she's forgotten she asked you to do it!) - so, she will need some kind of babysitter if you need to go out, who can hopefully redirect her focus onto something else to keep her occupied. The babysitter (or you if she wants to do some gardening when you are home) can allow her a short period of time and then hopefully find some excuse to get her back in before she overdoes anything. Set the alarm on your cell phone, if you have one, and use it to say it is time for tea, snacks, making dinner, whatever, just to get her to go back in.

For the rearranging - if this is done when you are home, can you not try getting her focused onto some other benign task(s)? Although you indicate you won't get rid of anything unless she asks (which, like hiring the gardener, could backfire too), is it possible to get someone to take her on some kind of outing for a few hours here and there and use that time to pack up some of these items? If you only remove a few items from each "nook" over time, she may not notice them missing. Hopefully most of it is just junk (sounds to be mostly useless "stuff") and you can trash it, otherwise you'll have to box it up and find a place for the boxes that she doesn't have access to.

Our mom started digging out old paperwork. I had taken over her finances, but she was still living alone and by digging this stuff out, she was thinking W2s were life insurance payments left to her (because it said Death Benefit, but was dad's pension she was getting), and filling out an old life insurance form dad had started and redid but kept the old one. Once I knew what she was talking about on the phone every few days, I needed to get there and show her, using tax paperwork, what those W2s were - never could explain why they "just came in the mail", which in her mind was true because they were on the kitchen table!!! I had one brother take her out and swept any place I could think of for any remaining paperwork. Once out of sight, they were out of mind. She did once say there was something but she couldn't recall what it was or where it went. After that, nothing said about insurance!!!

It does sound like you'll have to get creative and find "busy" work for mom, to keep her occupied and out of trouble. It is probably very advisable not to leave her unattended for any period of time. It will not get any better and you need safeguards in place (plus a way to preserve your sanity!)

There was one particular occasion where my legally-blind mother said in a childish voice "I can so operate a vacuum cleaner" and grabbed it so forcibly out of my hand that I had to catch her AND the vacuum as she fell backwards! I was so mad at her for acting so foolish and almost hurting herself and me!

This gets to the point where the elder no longer knows her limitations due to brain functionality, etc. The lucid-minded person is going to say "No, I can no longer run the Boston Marathon, but I'll relish looking at the photos of myself when I used to be able to do it." Elders would rather risk and limb to prove "they've still got it." That mindset is difficult to change.

I think I've mentioned elsewhere on the forum that my next door neighbours are sweethearts, after a heavy rain they offered to come over and clean out my overflowing eavestroughes. I reluctantly declined, the dear man was my high school teacher and I know he is well over 80🤣.

Those of you who suggest "taking things away from her" forget that Amazon delivers.

chachacha, I have to laugh at this. I am 85, husband is 87 with Alzheimer's. He is short, has shrunk to about 5'4'' and he is losing weight. He weighs about 128 pounds now. We have a tree in our front yard that needs a few small branches trimmed. We have always done our own work. They are too high for the 4' ladder. I am thinking about bringing the 6' ladder from the back yard. I could hold it for him, or he could hold it for me. Not big enough job to hire out. 15 minutes at most. UGGGGHHHHH!!!!! What to do, what to do. We don't have family to come and help us. I look at that tree and my jaw clinches with the desire to get rid of those troublesome little branches.

I wonder how old your mom is and what quality of health she is in now?
While you likely 'can't' make her change her ways, you might be able to adjust behaviors and situations to support her well-being. Some good ideas here -
* take things away when she is out.
* Get a medical work-up (even though that might not change the immediate situation, at least you'll more know what you're dealing with - and reading Teepa Snow's website, understand how to proceed.
* As possible, get kids from schools and/or church or any association to come over to work with her - as often as you can - to keep an eye on her. There also may be a volunteer council organization or a college that has a geriatric master's program that could refer a student.
* And/or consider getting more supervision calling it social activities partners or something that will sound acceptable, if not really good/fun.
* Realize you can just do so much and then need to let go (so hard to do for 99% of us - of course, we want to avoid any health risk/s/y behavior or situations.
* * * * * * *
I have a client who just turned 100 (and she still drives and bikes with her 3-wheeler; she is an amazing woman, of course). When I saw her get on a step-stool to reach a kitchen cabinet, I mentioned it was potentially not safe and to move things off the top shelves so she doesn't have to use the step stool. That fell on deaf ears. Same with my long time friend, 86 now, who creates all kinds of potential accident scenarios. He won't listen.
* Some of these behaviors, I believe are from dementia; some from a lack of on-going awareness or consciousness of self care, some depression, giving up, not wanting anyone telling them what to do cause THEY KNOW just fine. . .
* Often changes can be made AFTER THE FACT. That is sad, but there is just so much one can do.
* As has been said here, take care of yourself; know your limitations; let go and let God. As I say, you don't want to go down with the ship. It is a sneaky ship so be careful. Gena.

One of my great joys is being outside working in my flowers and vegetable garden, but at 66 I'm finding myself in much more pain after a short session. I will hate to give it up because I enjoy it so much. Your mom apparently enjoys being outside too, but is now in pain from doing what she has always done. Try calling some local churches to find teens trying to earn money for church camp, etc., or performing community service. Weeds will always need to be pulled, but perhaps the bulk may be removed by someone besides your mom and she will be able to enjoy the few that continue to pop up.

The next time your mom is out of the house, with you or otherwise, arrange to have the lawnmower, cane, and only a couple of her pieces of her hoard disappear. Sell the lawnmower; donate the rest. Out of sight is out of mind; just don't allow her to see the items being taken off. Thereafter, make one item at a time disappear; a piece of trash here and an item of hoard there. Again, she probably won't miss it. Less to hoard, less to worry about. If she asks tell her you've moved all the items down on the lower shelves, or whatever wording is necessary, to allow her to reach whatever she is "rearranging".

Whenever you mom starts screaming rant just leave. Tell her you will leave every time she starts screaming. I broke one of my parent's pattern of childish fits by leaving every time the rant started. It worked. I hope you are able to find some answers, as we all desire to help our parents and preserve our sanity at the same time. Good luck and hugs.

It's not YOUR fault that your mother is as stubborn as a mule and hell bent on doing as she damn well pleases. I think that needs to be said after reading some of these comments, phew! The short answer is, you can't do ANYTHING to stop your mom from doing these risky things. You know what's going to happen here, and you're frightened, and you don't want your mom to suffer with broken bones, and hospitalizations and rehab and all the assorted nightmares that go along with risky behavior. But she wants to live life on HER terms, which means she also wants to depart the earth on her terms. All you can really do is accept that fact. And prepare to meet the ambulance at the hospital after you get The Phone Call. Been there, done that. Repeatedly. I wish you good luck and Godspeed, my friend.

You aren't going to stop her from working outside in the heat pulling weeds. And, at least it's an activity on the ground. It is what she does and has probably done it for years. It is a job you can do and actually see great results for your work. Some people are outdoor people and some aren't. She's an outdoor person.

If there are grandkids, send them to spend a weekend and offer to help her clean out and restack a closet. If anyone is close by to do lightbulbs (that she can call), tell her if she falls and breaks a hip she may not get to return to her home and she needs to call someone to do little household repairs. While there, they can look around for other odd jobs that need handling - they do it or let you know someone else needs to come.

My grandmother was a climber and a yard person. She said she planned to wear out instead of rusting out, so she continued her man-type labor. Got up on a mobile home to sweep leaves and pine straw. Climbed ladders to trim trees. We're pretty sure she rearranged every tree on her property. I drove up one time to find her pushing a wheelbarrow with a tree stump inside. To this day, I have no idea how she got that stump loaded up. Most determined woman I ever met. I did have a really frank discussion with her about ending up flat on her back and having to live the rest of her days in a bed instead of outdoors working on her property. She acknowledged the danger. We took the ladders and, through gritted teeth, would call to ask for minor help indoors. We made family trips to do bigger outdoor chores where chainsaws or heavier equipment needed.

I would let her do it, but hopefully in smaller amounts. This stuff is vital to one's well being, I hope you can get her do it, in smaller amounts. Have a great weekend.

You don't say how old Mom is.

I'm almost 68 yrs old and I go out into 98 degrees with my push-mower, self-propelled but I mow almost 2 acres and I work up a heck of a good sweat. I can work about 40 minutes at a time but if I can find shade, I'm good for an hour now.

And I've had heat-stroke but now I know when I've had enough and I stop. Since your mother "almost" passes out, it sounds like she too knows when to stop.

Complaining about aches and pains is similar to complaining about the weather. We all just do it. I decided long ago that any day I can wake up complaining was still a wonderful day - because I woke up and could complain.

Is she crying and in an angry screaming rant because you are telling her she shouldn't be doing stuff? I have to admit, I'd probably go into an angry screaming rant too if anyone told me to stop what I wanted to do.

I agree with many of the posters suggestions on here. My .02, she's lived a long wonderful life and perhaps there are many more years ahead. You do what you can but if she wants to mow that yard or change those lights then by golly let her. Let her live her remaining years as she wishes and do what you reasonably can. I think it's a process of learning to let go even though we worry and love them with all our heart. Life is finite and she's happy. Maybe that's just good enough. Best wishes.

If mom has dementia, she does not have intact decision-making abilities. She "wants" to do activities but may lack the discernment or abilities to complete her desired activities. After her efforts, she is exhausted and frustrated... thus, the ranting.

You imply that you have to have the discernment for her. Does she live alone? Then the behavior will continue. Do you live together? Create an environment that you can handle - it may require helping mom prune down her collections to manageable size. Suggest smaller, easier activities that she could manage. Maybe she'll cooperate with a scaled down version of her desired activity.

If mom has constant pain, what kind of pain management is she receiving. Talk with her doctor to get that under control.

My 91 yo mom likes to work outside in the heat. She also will not choose to run the air conditioning and the house is stifling hot and smells musty from the humidity if it is not run. We pay $25.00 an hour or so to a company that provides a sitter for 4 hours each afternoon (except wednesdays and saturday - mom's "day off") This makes her come out of the heat and drink water. ANd keeps the thermostat at 78 but on airconditioning. It has kept her from dehydration - falling out for about one year. She chafes under the supervision but it has allowed her to remain i her home another year. We tell her when she has a fall, or if she falls out again she will have to move in with me. hope that this helps. Our goal is to keep her as independent as possible until she must live with her children.

So many of us face the same challenges.......maybe not so much yard work per say, but the continual argument of them doing things that put them in harms way. Day after day. From what I have gained from this journey is simply put....you can't stop them.....only stand from the sidelines and watch the inevitable train wreck. Mom has already fallen and broke her hip. Returned home (not my decision) after her stint in rehab and now I hold my breathe until the next time. She is beyond stubborn and self centered. Always has been.....and if dementia is involved this only gets worse. I can relate to the hoarding and the shifting of useless items from one place to the next.......we've tried to purge the basement and attic and now we deal with the fallout of getting rid of the excess that she "remembers" she needs. It's a no win situation.....and the house is far too large for them. Dad would move to independent living or AL, but mom remains adamant. Sigh.

Someone mentioned the possibility of your mom seeing a specialist to determine an accurate assessment of her mental state. If you can get her to go (mom has been resisting for weeks now....appt. the end of next month) it would be a good thing......perhaps more for you than mom. At least you will know exactly what your dealing with and can prepare accordingly. I know, not much comfort when we face the constant criticism, tantrums, and bad attitudes of our LO. Take care of yourself....the best thing you can do moving forward.

My mother is 92 with vascular dementia , a-fib and just recovered from breaking her hip, second broken bone from a fall. We took tripping hazards ie step stools, ottomans, coffee tables out of her apartment. Might work for some but not her. She gleefully told the woman who comes to feed her cat she had a brilliant idea and now she just stands on a cardboard box🙄🙄🙄🙄. Talked to her ALF and they agreed, better for her to do it safely since she’s not about to stop. Ordered her a step stool with a tall handhold and an ottoman lol.

I can’t control my mother . Why even try

My mother was the same, doing yard work until she was ready to collapse, dehydrated and frustrated because she was no longer 40. You can’t change it and in a way , while that independent feisty attitude is hard for others to deal with , it also shows a strong will to live. It also pushed my mother to crawl thru 2 rooms with a broken hip to get to the door if her apartment to yell for help. So it’s a toss up lol

I will be brief; you’ve had some good thoughts presented here. But after reading one (I’ll keep it nameless), I had to respond. NO ONE, not even Mom, should be allowed to turn your life upside down. If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be much good to her. She is aging, she’s caught between wanting to live and knowing she can’t forever. She may even have an internal hope that the risky behavior carries her away. She needs to know that you care, but you can only do so much for her: your life is (presumably) not nearing its end, and you have the right - even call it obligation - to live it as you wish. As long as Mom is not endangering others, so does she - even if that risky behavior hastens its end. Read Dylan Thomas’ ode to his father: “rage, rage against the dying of the light”’is its most gripping line & poignant moment. At 81, & having been in your shoes, I wish you an old age that - for the most part - let’s you be in charge of it!

Oh dear, Chachacha, I was afraid you would feel "got at" - but I promise you, I was *asking* not accusing. The key question boils down to "what exactly is your mother getting so upset about?" And it's not unfair or unreasonable to wonder if attempts to help her are perhaps making things worse.

Anyway, never mind all that because you've explained :) Your mother is becoming upset and frustrated and angry with her environment and her daily living in general; and when you attempt to help you are coming under fire.

You still can't stop her engaging in these activities. But perhaps what is becoming clear is that her mood and emotional state and cognitive function need investigation and assessment, to see what can be done to help her.

Next tentative question... will she go with you to consult a doctor...? [duck and cover]

Chachacha, if she waits for you to leave to get busy then there isn't much you can do short of 24/7 supervision.

I didn't mean any offense about not having it so terrible.

I can't help but feel like our parents still get to make stupid danger choices and we can only watch, only guardianship gives us authority and I for one pass on that responsibility for my parents. The state can intervene. I am not giving up my peace of mind because they want to be stubborn. I cross the bridges as I come to them and if that is a cracked skull or broken hip because they are going to by god do what they want, well I didn't push them and I can only help them through the trouble they create.

You could be describing my mother, nearly 93. She is combative and stubborn, plus has some dementia. The combination is a Big Problem. We try to protect her from herself, but she actually thinks she will "get well." (No, you're old, and your body and mind are failing you.) She won't ask for help; never has; why should she start now.

She's in assisted living, thank goodness, and we actually have motion-activated cameras on her (she knows). We have learned she's up many times during the night, wanders around her apartment in the dark. We got motion-activated lights. We got always-on lights in some places. Her sanitary habits have deteriorated. Bought stuff to help that. Tightwad that she is, she cut the wipes in half. We took away her scissors. Hand-washing was inadequate. Bought different soap to get more action by the hands (Boraxo).

Problem? We try to find an answer. But in the end, there's only so much one can do. Try to keep her safe but recognize your limitations. There may be dementia, which intensifies certain personality traits (stubbornness among them), making it difficult to recognize.

As someone who used to like some yardwork, I think hydration is a serious issue. Perhaps she could wear a water-bottle-holding waist pack? Can she open bottles? Leave some bottles out there in a discreet place. Even if it's hot, it's still water. Put a chair someplace where it's useful.

wow. i guess i should have provided more details. the responses to my post have left me feeling as if somehow i caused her to cry. quite the opposite. she was crying from exhaustion, which turned to anger. she reduced me to tears by screaming insults at me.
i took many deep breaths as usual and she left the room to make a phone call.

i posted three days after it happened. she was crying when she came in the house- before i got back from my errands.
i am not clearing anything out unless she asks me to.
she asks for my help but ignores any efforts i make.
she is and always has been a combative and stubborn person. it has only gotten worse as she has aged.

It's really hard to prevent someone who wants to do this kind of stuff...

My late MIL, in her late 70s, found herself in the hospital, having passed out on the street in 95 degree NYC weather. She asked me to go to her apartment and get some bills that needed to be paid.

Imagine my surprise when I found, on her dining room table, 50 pounds of wooden wainscoting from Home Depot; she had carried it home on the bus the previous day.

I asked if she saw any connection between her passing out and the exertion of the previous day. "No connection at all" was her answer.

chachacha, I know how your Mom feels, I use to be able to do 8 hours of yard work with only a couple of breaks, and it felt good afterwards. As soon as I hit 65 it was like a light switch, yard work was becoming way too overwhelming.... [sigh]. The squatting down to pull weeds then trying to figure a way to stand up :P

Since your Mom sounds like she wants to remain in her house, I was wondering if the family could chip in and hire someone to do the lawn mowing, and doing yard work twice or 4 times a year? Or could Mom budget the cost for herself? That way in-between professional yard-work, your Mom could still get outside and do some minor work. Basically she probably loves some of it.

When my Dad was in his 90's, he was so glad to sell his house and live in senior living. Even though he really enjoyed the responsibility of home ownership, he was just too tired and unbalanced to keep doing it. Way too many times the neighbors would find Dad face down in the yard because he tumbled over while pulling weeds, and couldn't get up. And Dad didn't feel safe changing light bulbs on the ceiling fans that were up on a vaulted ceiling even though my Mom insisted [Mom thought Dad was still that 35 year old who could do anything].

As I am typing this, there is a yard person at my house trying to pull down a grape vine that climbed all the way up to the roof of the second floor, and is starting to cover a couple of windows. It's kind of cool looking but if left there could damage the wood after a while.

Can you encourage her to drink some water with electrolytes before she starts her yardwork and then take her a glass of something cool to drink while she takes a break?

I think that we all get so worried about our parents that we actually stop treating them like adults that can and should do everything they can to remain active and productive. It gives them a reason to get up every morning. Do what you can to make her activities safer and pick your battles wisely.

We pulled up one day to find our grannie at the top of a 12 foot ladder painting our chimney. I think she was 93. We were concerned for her, but couldn't say anything she was to happy and proud of her accomplishment. We on the other hand were sick that she painted our adobe chimney.

Please read other posts, you will find that you don't have it so terrible, she could be sitting in one place day after day barking orders that you better jump too and now.

For me, we can't stop my MIL from doing just this sort of stuff -- Lord knows, we have tried. We have utilized every trick in the book. Now, I accept that she is going to do stupid things, dangerous things, and I really can't stop her. And it took a few years to honestly accept that.

Perfect example: we have finally gotten her to hire a lawn service to mow her 2 acres. . .is that good enough? No. She told me Sunday that she had been out mowing the day before . . . . .her lawn was beautiful, it had been mowed and trimmed 3 days before, no need for her to be out on a Dixie Chopper (zero turn mower) AT ALL. But she did it. And she seemed pleased that she had outsmarted us and gotten out there to do it! ( I thought someone had disabled the mower last fall, so the fact that it was running was a surprise -- her on it . . . not so much, lol) There are many, many things like that. She's using her cane again, despite the doctor saying she should be on her walker only. I had hidden the cane in the basement when she came home from rehab after breaking her hip (and basement was locked, because she will go down the stairs, another thing she's not supposed to do, *sigh*) but a Gr'son took her down there for a tornado watch two weeks ago . . . and she found it and drug it upstairs, and is happy as a clam (and unsteady as a newborn colt!)

For us, she is going to fall again and get hurt. Probably a hospital stay that will turn into a rehab stay. With luck, rehab will turn into placement in a nursing home. DH always says, "If she falls or does something stupid and kills herself, she went out living in her home like she wanted, so that's good" And I rebut with "And if she falls, and DOESN"T kill herself, we'll have a huge problem!" :(

What I have learned is, I can't protect her from herself and the bad decisions she makes. She has not been declared incompetent, so we do not have "authority" to control her. We do as much as we can, behind her back, (fixing things around the house before she notices and tries to do it herself, swapping out her expired food for fresh, counting pills to see if she's missing doses, etc.) to keep her safe, but in the end - she is stubborn, refuses to admit she's frail and ill, does not follow any restrictions placed on her by doctors or therapist, and will not change her behavior at all. I get better results and behavior from my Siamese cat most days!

So, from my experience, hide what you can that gets her in trouble (stepstools for climbing in the closet, etc.) do what tasks you can that she shouldn't - before she tries to, and make peace with the fact that as long as she is on her own, she's going to do these stupid and dangerous things :( Not the best advice really, but it's all we've been able to do.

Someone could have written this about me! (and I would hazard to guess 99% of the women on this site)
I change the light bulbs and the batteries in the smoke detector because the beeping at 4 am drives me nuts and the light is out and I am the only one that lives here. And to call daughter, grandson or anyone else to do these things further diminishes what I can do for myself.
I pull the weeds because no one else will unless I pay them and I don't have the extra $$ to do that. I would rather pay someone to mow my grass every week. (One "indulgence" I will not give up..unless daughter, grandson or someone else shows up to do it)

I totally agree with Countrymouse...is she in tears because this it more than she can handle or is it the argument you start.
If you want her to stop climbing ladders to change the light bulbs Show up one afternoon with all LED bulbs and change every light in her house. She should not have to change bulbs ever again.
If you want her to stop the yard work show up on a Saturday and pull weeds with her or pay a lawn care company to do the work for her. (But I can tell you that will not work she will still find weeds that need pulling)
As for the "stuff" in the house leave it unless it is causing a health or safety risk.
If she needs help finding something offer to help but otherwise leave it, you can worry about how to get rid of it when she is gone.

The activities end in tears, or your attempts to stop her do?

How you divert her from something you'd rather she didn't do depends on why she's doing it and what alternatives she has. For example, if she's changing light bulbs because it's become an obsession, that's one thing; but if she's changing a light bulb because it's blown and there's no one else around to do it, that's reasonable enough. If she's breaking down in despair because she's overwhelmed by her hoards, that's one thing; but if she's getting upset because you try to clear them out, that's different.

It sounds as though you posted immediately after an angry screaming rant, did you..? Please don't think I don't feel for you, I really do - I speak as one who eventually figured out that the *only* *way* mother could have got into the position I had to lift her from was by deciding to unplug the electric sockets behind her glass-fronted display cabinet 😰