i can’t make my husband understand that living with MIL is making me crazy. I spend my four days off cleaning the urine smell out of Everything and it’s making me crazy. She is the sweetest kindest lady and I have no problems at all with her here except her bladder issues. It’s also effecting my our three year who know seems to think of you pee on yourself or wet yourself it’s an accident like grandma. So now it’s double the pee smell and double the laundry. The only person that can get her to bath seem to be the caretaker. She doesn’t always have luck either. How do I make him relive that if she soils herself at night and he doesn’t use soap to wipe her off before he changes her that eventually the urine smell is going to seep into EVERYTHING. I know this all sounds ridiculous….a little comical tooo. It’s driving me nuts though I clean all day and the minute I wake up I smell pee because my son is copying his grandma or I come home from work and the smell of urine hits me in the face the minute I open the front door ( her bedroom is right next to it ). I took a shower today and what I thought was a clean towel turned out to have pee on it.
This is no life for any of you. The stress is not good for any of you. Grandma definitely can feel the stress around her. I would talk with hubby and do what someone else said - he needs to step up and take care of her himself if he refuses to have her placed.
Who has POA?? Hubby needs to tell them that you guys are DONE. As in right NOW, done. Grandma needs to be placed somewhere ASAP, not in a month or two or three. He needs to stop avoiding this and grow up and deal with it like an adult. Now. It will not be easy or comfortable and there will likely be push back from other relatives, but screw them. They are being jerks by letting you deal with this horrible situation and just turning their backs on grandma because they KNOW that this is not something they want to deal with. Though they will probably try to convince you guys to stick it out. That is a hard no. This environment is too much for anyone. And unhealthy too. Poop all over? No way. E-coli? Ewww.
Please talk to hubby today! Be kind and gentle but FIRM. Stand your ground. I would be prepared to take my son on a vacation without hubby to make him deal with it and get her the help she needs.
Good luck.
Really you have 3 kids to attend. Your son, your MIL, and your husband. How childish to say “you hate my grandma!”. Nope, you love her enough to try and get her the 24/7 care she needs.
If he’s so insistent of keeping dear old grandma at home, let him clean up the pee and poop.
I actually asked him if his mom was incontinent now and he said "I dunno". Seriously? how can you spend hours with her and not notice whether she goes to the bathroom or not? Or if she needs help changing her depends? He did say "well, I took the garbage out and it really stunk of urine."
OK, crazy man. That's b/c there's 2 weeks worth of wet depends in there and it's been 100 degrees for days!
This would be the straw that broke my back. IF MIL can't care for herself with toileting--and the smell of the house is affecting the QUALITY of your life, darn it, then things have to change.
When people become incontinent, it isn't just their CLOTHES that smell, it's the couch, the recliner, the bed, the carpet--EVERYTHING the urine gets into will take on that smell--and I'm sorry--nothing gets it out but to tear out and replace everything.
First, MIL needs help toileting--who is going to do that? Or she needs to be in Depends and able to change herself and clean herself? That would be the tipping point for your DH, I bet, if he had to wipe his mom's bottom. It's not like a baby's or even a 3 yo's.
Sorry/not sorry DH that you need to handle this. At least on the days he's home. It should be 100% on HIM to do this changing. I assume he changed diapers? It's not the same, but it's a chore that needs doing.
And MIL must at minimum have an 'undercarriage wash' every day. Using those huge 'no rinse' cloths that hospitals use, wet it well and hand it to mom to use. Be prepared to step in and get all the nooks and crannies. A shower 3 xs a week would be better, but you gotta live with what you have.
As far as removing the smells--after mom passed, YB pulled up all the flooring in her apartment and was shocked to find urine damage to the subfloor. The couch & recliner were both tossed as the smell was too awful to be cleaned. Really, none of mom's clothes could even be donated, since the urine smell was so strong.
Bowls of vinegar help. a little. But you have to remediate the actual source. If there are towels and carpets soaked with urine--at some point, they simply cannot be cleaned well enough for the smell to be gone.
Also getting the wet depends OUT OF THE HOUSE immediately helps. Mom would put her wet ones in a bag and put it in the trash. Weirdly, she wouldn't let anyone take it out to the garbage until Tues nights. So, a weeks worth of wet depends? You cannot fight that.
I wish you luck. I hope your DH stands up and helps.
She needs to be moved into assisted living. No one should have to live with trying to scrub piss and crap off of their furniture and carpets along with trying to look after a toddler. That is ridiculous. It is not comical in any way and your husband needs to understand that right quick.
Tell your husband plainly that MIL has to go and that's final.
Either she goes or you and his child do. End of discussion.
Find her an AL or LTC and move her there.
Its time you move out *** (see below)
Your husband doesn't take you seriously.
As long as you 'spend my four days OFF cleaning ..." he will continue to expect you to continue to do so.
It isn't comical. This sounds very serious to me.
Joking about it sounds like stress release.
*** You need a respite / break anyway.
Either find a lovely Air bnb in another county ... take a week trip somewhere.
You need to let your husband manage this - or lose you.
I understand you have a three year old.
Either take him with you or get someone to watch him for a week, or if you think your husband can manage, have him handle the 'house' for a week - and see if that makes a difference. At the very least, you will get a needed time off.
You are not stuck. You need to take some action that will 'speak' to your husband.
Gena / Touch Matters
MIL could be the nicest person on earth however, this peeing everywhere thing cannot go on. IMO she needs to be placed, as it is affecting your son as well.
Your husband doesn't get it because you are doing all the work, very common, men dump the caregiving on the wife and turn their head the other way.
This needs to be addressed now, as it will not get better.
https://www.pooph.com/?mid=12066380&dttrpx=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwr_CnBhA0EiwAci5sitQJNQ9qYB5v7MY7DtUwQh802keAs-ju0Ccvt1wXcF9p_fPiCfJ98hoCrawQAvD_BwE#order
Visiting Angels to get help on the night shift or have Dad move in her room at night and install a pee alarm (copy and paste) https://www.webmd.com/parenting/how-bed-wetting-alarms-work
https://newfrontiers.americangeriatrics.org/chapters/pdf/rasp_10.pdn
" caretaker"; not sure who this is but I recommend that you have her PCP refer you to a Geriatric Case mgr usually a licensed social worker who can come into the home, assess the situation and provide you all with options to help MIL and YOU !
I am thinking that a team from a
" home health" agency that would include a RN, SW and aids multiple times a week would be helpful as not only do they provide direct care, they provide needed education for family members toiling with the 24/7 care in the home. Consult with her PCP, share these challenges, it may also be time to have a new " level of care needs" assessment done for her as her condition may have declined and new recommendations could be made to both accommodate her and provide very important guidance and support for you, your husband....
Bottom line: GET MORE HELP !
I am sure that your MIL is a very sweet lady and that you don’t have a problem with her, BUT she cannot control her bladder and is making your life miserable.
Is there a reason why she doesn’t wear Depends?
I am sorry that your son is mimicking his grandmother’s behavior.
Has your husband lost his sense of smell? Doesn’t any of this bother him as well? Why is your MIL living with you?
Have you considered alternative housing options for her, an assisted living facility or a skilled nursing facility?
What would your husband do if you told him, ‘Please do the laundry. I am sick to death of doing laundry and I am nauseous from the smell.’
I bet if you went on strike, he wouldn’t enjoy taking care of his mom’s smelly laundry. Say that you have a headache and refuse to clean any more pee!
Best wishes to you and your family.
How have you gone with the usual advice? Remove all her normal underwear and replace it with Depends? Waterproof covers on everything – mattress, chairs etc?
With the three year old, I’d draw a parabola for him, and say that babies start unable to control the pee, then they get grown-up enough to use the toilet, then when they get very very old they can’t control things anymore. Does he want to stay a baby? Does he want to be a big kid and then be a grown-up? Does he want to get to be as old as Grandma straight away? Perhaps you stop calling things ‘an accident’ and teach toddler to say in-con-tin-ence.
It is time for a come to Jesus meeting with husband. It’s a husband problem more than a pee problem.
You have a marital issue and he needs to understand that.
I’m so sorry. You deserve to be treated better. You aren’t the Princess of the Pee.
Is she wearing adult diapers or pullups? If not, do it now.