How do I manage 90 yr old FIL expectations regarding running errands?

I still do most of my own errands and other basics, but reading these comments makes me realize--even more than I already did--that old people can be a HUGE BURDEN on their families. To be honest I would rather have made my Final Exit about 6 years ago when I was "only" 80, but guess what? I didn't. I'm truly hoping that I will do so before I end up being the oversized burden so many elders become. Eldercare in 21st America is often a bad joke unless there's a LOT of money.

Gee, my mom was grateful when I showed up once a week to take her shopping.

"No, I can't possibly do that" is a wonderful response.

If he's not speaking to you, I guess he has the resources to get his needs met by someone else.

Independence is wonderful!

I think the only thing that will work is one day a week he goes to the store. No compromise. He has to go when she can otherwise he uses other transportation. He is being unreasonable. His life is changing and he has to change with it. Also, your DH should be doing for Dad. I understand that he works longer hours but there is the weekend. He needs to be there for Dad too.

My mantra...I am here to help people find the way, not be the way.

Expectations always set a person up for disappointment. My mother was the queen of never having her (unrealistic) expectations met and was therefore continuously disappointed and NEVER happy or satisfied. Your FIL is asking for favors, yet insisting his expectations be met with a smile? Rich, isn't it?

The Silent Treatment is a passive-aggressive means of punishment to get you to cave in and do things HIS way. Except it's also a nice reprieve from the constant stream of demands, if you're able to view it that way.

Get him set up with a Wal Mart home delivery service and an Uber service or the phone number to the local cab company. They'll take him to stores daily if he'd like. Wal Mart food delivery also includes free delivery with no minimum on their merchandise not available for home delivery.

In the meantime, you're available once a week if he's still interested. If not, you've got 100 other things to do with that time.

Tell him to spend his money, you're not looking for an inheritance. Or better yet, move into Assisted Living where the mini bus will take him to run errands AND feed him 3 meals a day!

No is a complete sentence, my step-father would shop on Amazon Daily buy duplicates and duplicates of the same thing. He did it because he was bored. Gave him something to do.

What he is used to no longer matters and your husband should be doing this, not you. It is his father.

Or, he can Uber.

AL would solve many of his wants & needs. He is spoiled like so many old men are, they are all about their wants & needs, they could care less about anyone else.

Stand firm. Once a week is more than adequate.

You need to let him sit with it. Please do both you and FIL a favor and don’t give in. So many problems begin and grow when we aren’t honest with the amount of free time we have to offer. It’s not up for debate. It’s your good nature that even allows it at all. it’s also your responsibility to take yourself out of the equation.

And, studies have been done, see attached link, that show that these minor stressors will show up in our future to attack our mental health. the future is now.

Do let DH find an alternative mode of transportation for his father. It will take both of them a bit out of their comfort zone but that’s okay. Any angst needs to be between the two of them. You are caught in the middle. Remove yourself.

FIL will be a happier person when he is grateful instead of pouting. growing pains are a bit uncomfortable so you just patiently wait for him to adjust his attitude.

And gently I suggest that you allow his son to help him with his errands. When you get home from work do you sit and wait for DH to come home and make you dinner? Does he put a load of laundry on or run the vacuum? How about the clean up after dinner? So do you truly have more time or is it that you are just accustomed to pitching in for everyone and YOU are just trying to fold in one more chore? Why YOU?

When FIL was your age what was he doing? Was he worrying about how often he got his FIL to the grocery?

Caregivers make a huge mistake by not giving serious thought to what lies ahead and pacing themselves. As you mentioned, you already have your job and your mom. And please know that it is the psychological wear and tear that gets to us just as much, if not more, than the actual chore itself. The very level of expectation you are trying to manage with your FIL is what wears us down. He sounds spoiled and again, I’m sorry to say this but that’s on you. Stop it.

You wrote “Obviously I can take him out more than once a week for immediate pick ups like meds that can’t wait”. This is the ONLY reason you should consider even once a week. And why are you taking him to pick up the meds? They can be delivered. DH can pick them up without him.

This one little phrase speaks volumes to me. He thinks he needs to manage his own money is what I’m reading between the lines.
And I’m sure you could care less except for the aggravation of it all. An emergency is you or DH in the hospital. Picking up meds on command is not an emergency. Stop doing that to yourself.

You need to really spend some time on this forum to help you adjust your attitude. You found this site, you posted under Burnout, Family Caregiver and Driving. Yup. You are past due for a major reorganization of YOUR life. Not FIL life, if he is so smart he can organize it all himself.
I’d let him pout and I’d let him know when asked thats it’s once every two weeks now.
Mess with you again and once a month can be arranged.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3654031/

Oh well, he needs to adjust, not you. I did not think it at the time I was setting boundaries with my Mom but seems I was. I worked a p/t job and set up one day a week to shop and run errands with her. If he can buy milk in the same store that sells trash bags then he does. Or you find a store that sells everything he needs. It may cost him more but he is saving on car payments, gas and insurance. You are right in telling him you are willing to do but in your time not his. I live in the same town as Mom did. I had no problem picking up prescriptions. Calling and asking her, when I was going to the store, if she needed anything. Took her to an appt, I would ask if she needed anything on the way home and if so, we would stop. But I was never at her beck and call.

You are not wrong, he is in expecting u to do this. I guess ur DH does not take him shopping?

Oh gosh, what a pain. I’m sorry that you are dealing with this situation.

After my dad died I drove to my mother’s house on the weekend to take her grocery shopping. She wouldn’t have ever expected me to take off work or go on a weekday.

When my mother in law became sick with cancer I offered to help with her mom’s shopping.

Oh my gosh, my husband’s grandmother was a very demanding woman! I had to nip that situation in the bud immediately! I set strong boundaries and didn’t budge from them. Otherwise, she would have tried to run me ragged!

Council on Aging in our area has a shuttle bus that takes seniors to the grocery, pharmacy, doctor appointments, etc. They will assist people with canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

Another option would be delivery service. I like Shipt. There’s also instacart. Some stores deliver groceries as well, Target, Walmart, etc.

Best wishes to you and your family.

My limit would also be once a week. I would hold firm.

"I am sorry you can't drive.
But my offer is once a week to the store. Maybe I can help you think of solutions for the other days?
Eg You may need to hire an Aide for a 2nd day a week".

My LO started going to the shops more frequently. The weekly organised list gone. I noticed slippage of memory & planning skills - buying just 1 packet of this, 2 cans of that. Then back to the shops next day..

Now want to be taken to visit shops many days. Boredom? Loneliness? Hmm

It's a shame your Dad doesn't live in a village, where he could walk. The elders walked down to their local High Street in every area of London & Europe when I lived there. Here too, but only inner city/suburban. The outer areas need cars to get to big shopping centres.

Actually, those Assisted Living places are like villages.. just a little stroll to the coffee shop, the hairdresser/barber, the bowling green or newspaper reading room. Just saying..😜

It isn't a matter of who is wrong - or right.

I feel it is a combination of boundary setting and compassion, i.e., his need with your availability - and more.

* It is understandable that he will 'naturally' want what he is used to or certainly more than less than what he's used to. It is good that he voices his needs and this needs to be acknowledged so he knows he is heard.

* Do not argue.

He will want to convince you to do what he wants so when you say "I can take you out once a week," he will have a retort immediately "No, I want ... " When he does this, say "I hear you saying XXX " then stop. Do not get into that maze. It only adds emotional upset / upheaval to an already sensitive issue - he is changing / losing independence and this requires that 'everyone' adjusts as needed. However, he needs to fit within your availability to help him out - and that won't be easy for him. He won't like it. AND, SEE BELOW. If you can arrange a visitor(s) during the week, you can let him know that he won't be alone ... someone 'lovely' person will take him out to xxx" -

* It is important that you 'check' yourself emotionally and psychologically. Do not get into a guilt trip or the "I shoulds" - this will not serve you nor him. Feel / learn to feel confident in what you can and cannot do.

- Once you make your decisions, stick to them. He will / may try to break you down. If you need breaks to regroup, do that. He will need structure. So much depends on his - and your - emotional makeup / history / self-esteem, and, of course, his mental state re dementia (if this is part of the picture).

- Understand that this is confusing and new for you. You may feel bad due to exhaustion and no time to do what you'd want / like to do (I certainly went through it - it is an awful feeling - knowing how lonely someone is ... depending on YOU ... and exhausted). You do the best you can. Period. No beating yourself up.

* From what I read, he is lonely. The going to the store for a carton of milk is a cry for companionship and company, and some change of scenery. This is important to address.

IMPORTANT: SOCIALIZATION VISITOR(S)_____________________

* If no other family member available or if then cannot assist, get some one else in to be with him. Consider hiring someone during the week to take him out for a couple of hours.

* Socialization visitor / caregiver in at least once a week for that mid-week visit / outing. More as you / he can afford.

* If money is an issue, get volunteers (I did this and it worked out beautifully - 2 or 3 during the week and my 3-4 visits/week). I had 6 days covered which was ideal - with some very dedicated volunteers. My friend/companion was bedridden in a nursing home. These visits were his LIFE line.

* If not a volunteer agency for supporting elders, try a college. Contact Dept heads: nursing, social work or geriatric dept. Some students will (or should have) experience in these areas and it will be good for them.

Work with whoever you hire / find to visit:
- Share some of his life history - work - hobbies - interests
- tell them to ask open ended questions vs the 'yes' or 'no' response questions.
- important to smile
- As touch is appropriate and responded to, perhaps hold his hand or give him pats on the back, if not a gentle shoulder massage.

Thank you for asking. Let us know how it goes.

Gena / Touch Matters