My father has serious mobility issues and our home, though a bungalow, has stairs he cannot escape. My husband and I care for him as well as for his dog. We are in our mid-thirties, working intense career-paths that require a lot of hours and attention, and we cannot physically or emotionally continue to provide the care he requires. Dad's neurologist as well as his day-program rehab team and some community nurses have all expressed concern about his living arrangements with us and have strongly suggested he investigate other living options that would be safer as he deteriorates. I've started exploring this talk-track with him and he is aware that I am dealing with some burnout from our current situation. He is so sad. He has reached out to my mom (his ex-wife) to tell her how sad he is and how he feels terrible that we would not want him - he doesn't understand why if we haven't had any fights.... some if it is his inability to process due to frontal lobe damage.... but it's breaking my heart and I feel horrible and awfully guilty. BUT... I'd like to have a baby before it's too late and have put starting our family on hold to provide care and support to both of my parents for the last 5 years. I'm rambling, but my question is... how do you manage these feelings of guilt and such deep sadness when taking a hard line on decisions that will protect both you and your loved one in the end?
My mom said she felt that we didn't want her here when I first brought up exploring other living options, and now she seems to be adjusting well where she is, but I know she wishes she could just live with us forever. Living at home alone for her is not an option either due to her mental health, neurological issues, and insulin dependent diabetes.
You have done the right thing by being honest and explaining to your dad how this is affecting you, and that it's just not feasible for the long term. Let him know you love him and will always be there for him and will make sure he has the best care possible, even if it's not there in your home. Plus, tell him his doctor and medical team recommend exploring alternative living arrangements in order to keep him safe.
Sounds like you are making the right choice. It will be a big adjustment for your dad once you find a place, but it will likely help him to socialize more, and will be better for you and your husband as well, especially if you are wanting to start a family.
A good therapist can help you deal with the feelings of guilt and sadness that come up, it's definitely an emotional experience for us too when our parents lose their ability to remain independent and/or decline mentally.
they both constantly asked about their old home. could they go back etc.
my dad is passed now(2015). and my mom has adjusted. (both moved 2011)
anyway just regarding my experience in the assisted living where they live(d)
it seems most of the residents. (Even the ones with memory problems) seem to be fairly happy. they get to see lots of different people all day every day. every where you go, from the beauty salon, to the dining room, to the TV room, bingo/piano room, outside porch, hallways....there is someone who is there with a smile and a hello.
friendships and conversations during meals. music and singing. exercise in the morning. crafts. sometimes a bus drive to see wild flowers growing in the mountains.
yes its a big expense. but it has been good experience for me. has it been hard? YES.
i feel assisted living and their experience dealing with dementia, is something i just cant easily deal with myself. its an entire village, not just one person doing everything.
i think the only thing I don't like is that they charge a resident 6$ for each meal delivered to the residents room. if the resident not feeling well and doesn't feel like being in the dining room. I don't know, it just seems wrong. the facility is on the smaller side so its not that far to walk to a room.
You Dad health will only worsen. To the point that you will not be able to care for him. I feel for your generation. Two salaries are needed just to have the basics. Healthcare is expensive. You want a family. Going to be hard to juggle Dads care, a job and a baby. You would have to give something up, probably the job.
He will make friend there, I notice that most of the men at my mothers facility adjust very well. You can go back to being a daughter, and enjoy your time with him when you visit.