My parents moved from their forever home to an assisted living center in the Minnesota town where I live 6 years ago. I have financial/medical POA and my only sibling does not live close enough to be of help. They get meals & housekeeping, but rely on me for everything else. I do their laundry, refill their meds, handle all their finances, take them to all their medical appointments, etc... Mom is 92 with progressing dementia. Dad 89 feels like he cant leave her alone for more than a couple hours. I am there 1-2 times a week and my dad constantly remarks that he doesn't know what he would do without me. Now my husband & I are ready to retire and would like to live out our dream of moving to Florida, but I am devastated & guilt ridden with the idea of leaving them. How do I enjoy my own senior life when I am responsible for my parents'?
Of course you can put your parents on the medication program at their ALF, you can also arrange for them to see the on site doctors who come in as well as the mobile dentists, etc. You can Face Time them, as suggested, and/or hire a geriatric care manager. But there will be times you will need to fly back for emergencies and other events that need your attention. That's my take on the situation and something I feel I'd need to do myself, should I move away.
There is no 'easy answer' here, as I'm sure you know. As much care as they're given in the ALF, they still require regular visits from us.
Wishing you the best of luck!
You haven't gone yet, anyway! - so it's a little premature to be devastated and guilt-ridden. But there are difficulties.
Did your parents, with or without your knowledge and approval, move to your town in order to be near you?
When you accepted POA, were you and they counting on your being within practical distance?
When did you and DH begin to formulate the Florida dream, and is this something you've ever talked to your parents about?
She is now in a retirement home (some nifty pivoting around the fact that she was falling at home and she could not have lived with one single caretaker (which she wanted to be me and demanded I abandon my family though that was never going to happen) ‘because one person can’t pick you up if you fall’ meant she had to leave home and be somewhere with 24 hr care. Dad died a few years ago. She told incredible lies to kick him out of the house when in fact he was able to stay there according to all his docs and support people.
If you get on with your parents this is a harder decision.
But
We have only 1 life. You don’t get a rerun once they are dead. Sacrificing yourself for them and thinking of Florida is not going to help your rel with them. They may live many more years. Better you visit every few mths and be happy than resent them every day.
As others have said. The retirement home can prob take over most of your duties. Look inside yourself if there are reasons you need to change within yourself to make you accept the way things could be.
I went to Europe every couple of months for many years. Expensive. Couldn’t work full time. Always a crisis with my parents and it was just a game to pull my string and get me to go and give them attention. I had POA. Mum tried to get dad declared ‘not of sound mind’ so she could kick him out of the house. I intervened and protected him as he was in his 90s and didn’t want to leave home nor did his docs say he had to. (she’s a vindictive so and so).
All the times I went over. Left my young kids. Didn’t work. Spent a ton of money on them flying, renting a car to get to them etc. It meant NOTHING to them. Inside I think I was trying to get a pat on the back and approval which with Narcissist parents never comes.
Don’t put yourself through this. You don’t get a medal at the end. I’ll never get the 20 years back and my kids will never get a mom who was there for them all the time when they were little.
Now mum is in a home and I just pay the bills from her account. She has Alzheimers and is toxic as ever. In fact there’s a risk of her being kicked out. In that case she is on her own
Yes you might have to make a trip north once in a while but you would probably do that anyway to visit.
anyway, if she is still ok at AL, the other option is get facility to order meds and give them and do the laundry. If facility has doctor, use that doctor for as much care as you can. And if they can’t provide transport to outside providers, get a care manager to help. Then go to Florida for a month. Try it out.
We plan to move to be closer to our daughter once FIL dies. He is 95 and declining rapidly. We still are cleaning out our house so not ready to go yet but if necessary I would consider moving him.
I retired and moved to South Carolina, leaving my elderly parents in Pennsylvania. They are 92 and 90, and have lived their entire lives in their community and are NOT leaving it. I can understand how they feel, even though it makes more sense to live here near me. I get tired of people saying "they just have to move". I want them to have some peace and happiness at the end of their lives.
I go to visit every other month and stay for a week or more. I cook their favorite meals, help with any issues that need addressed, and just love on them.
When I return home I'm tormented by what I know they are experiencing. It's great to say "live your life" but my heart aches every day for them, knowing their lives would be better if I was there.
Ive been a caregiver since my single digits, at 55 I realize no ones going to let go of me from being their forever caregiver. I have to assert myself to have a bit of freedom to live out my days as I would choose. It’s very hard and uncomfortable but so very worth it.
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