My parents moved from their forever home to an assisted living center in the Minnesota town where I live 6 years ago. I have financial/medical POA and my only sibling does not live close enough to be of help. They get meals & housekeeping, but rely on me for everything else. I do their laundry, refill their meds, handle all their finances, take them to all their medical appointments, etc... Mom is 92 with progressing dementia. Dad 89 feels like he cant leave her alone for more than a couple hours. I am there 1-2 times a week and my dad constantly remarks that he doesn't know what he would do without me. Now my husband & I are ready to retire and would like to live out our dream of moving to Florida, but I am devastated & guilt ridden with the idea of leaving them. How do I enjoy my own senior life when I am responsible for my parents'?
Good luck. You'll have to make a different plan of action without yourself at the helm.
Ive been a caregiver since my single digits, at 55 I realize no ones going to let go of me from being their forever caregiver. I have to assert myself to have a bit of freedom to live out my days as I would choose. It’s very hard and uncomfortable but so very worth it.
If you want to have your folks live you, then do it. If not, then don't.
Also AL facilities handle residents medications. There is usually a doctor who sees residents and often a nurse practitioner as well as a person hired by the facility to take residents to outside appointments if family or other person is not available. I am very confused with all you are doing if your parents are in a AL facility. I realize this may not solve all the issues but you certainly seem to be taking on more than you should.
every little thing adds up.
That could be why she does many of these tasks?
I have watched over the years children taking care of parents only to become resentful and/or exhausted to the extent of becoming ill themselves and not having the type of retirement they deserve. Some die before their parents and others shortly after.
First of all if you are married, your husband should come first. Discuss things together and make decisions together. Do some research. I think solutions that are best for all involved are available. My prayers for you and your family.
Dealing with parents at your own retirement time can conflict, but it doesn't have to be impossible. You're already ahead of the game because they do not live in your home getting 24/7 care from you.
1 - Move your parents near you wherever you retire.
2 - Set your parents up for more help to take over what you do... and plan for day they need total care. You can probably handle the finances from a distance. The other jobs could probably be handled by home health care aides or by setting your parents up in full care facility.
I see a couple options. Your parents could stay where they are and you and your sibling could travel to check in on them alternating every month or 6 weeks. So it would mean 4-6 trips a year.
Or, you could find a place for them in FL.
Have a conversation with your Dad and lay it all out. Be confident and reassuring not remorseful. Let him be part of the decision. (If ...them coming to FL is something you are willing to do)
If you feel that is off the table for whatever reason, then just present your retirement move. Find ways to give him a roll in choosing something like: how to explain it to your Mom; should you and sibling take turns visiting every 4 weeks or 6; if you pay to have someone to stop in for errands would once a week be enough? Etc. Would he like an iPad so you could teach him how to FaceTime? The goal is to give him some feeling of control and being a part of it. Ask him to think about ways that would make this doable.
You could use a service like Visiting Angels, etc. to refill RXs, make a WalMart run, bring cookies, or take them outside to sit on a nice day etc. It runs about $20 an hour.
Give about a 4 month advance notice of your move. Not too much in advance and not too little.
Also be prepared for the first 3 months to be bumpy for everyone.
Do not make abrupt changes during this initial time. Stay the course and ride it out so to speak. It’s amazing how things settle after 90 days or so.
I wish you the very best and I know once you are through the physical and emotional move you will go forward and thoroughly enjoy FL!
I retired and moved to South Carolina, leaving my elderly parents in Pennsylvania. They are 92 and 90, and have lived their entire lives in their community and are NOT leaving it. I can understand how they feel, even though it makes more sense to live here near me. I get tired of people saying "they just have to move". I want them to have some peace and happiness at the end of their lives.
I go to visit every other month and stay for a week or more. I cook their favorite meals, help with any issues that need addressed, and just love on them.
When I return home I'm tormented by what I know they are experiencing. It's great to say "live your life" but my heart aches every day for them, knowing their lives would be better if I was there.
Think about it, at some point they won't be able to drive, go to doctor appointments by themselves, and unless they can afford full time live in help, they will need someone in the family to assist them. Even tho my parents are now in Assisted living, I have to do a lot for them. Be sure that if you move them close to you, you make arrangements with your siblings that they will come down at least twice a year to give you an extended break, cuz you will need it!
Long distance caregiving does not work.
anyway, if she is still ok at AL, the other option is get facility to order meds and give them and do the laundry. If facility has doctor, use that doctor for as much care as you can. And if they can’t provide transport to outside providers, get a care manager to help. Then go to Florida for a month. Try it out.
We plan to move to be closer to our daughter once FIL dies. He is 95 and declining rapidly. We still are cleaning out our house so not ready to go yet but if necessary I would consider moving him.
She is now in a retirement home (some nifty pivoting around the fact that she was falling at home and she could not have lived with one single caretaker (which she wanted to be me and demanded I abandon my family though that was never going to happen) ‘because one person can’t pick you up if you fall’ meant she had to leave home and be somewhere with 24 hr care. Dad died a few years ago. She told incredible lies to kick him out of the house when in fact he was able to stay there according to all his docs and support people.
If you get on with your parents this is a harder decision.
But
We have only 1 life. You don’t get a rerun once they are dead. Sacrificing yourself for them and thinking of Florida is not going to help your rel with them. They may live many more years. Better you visit every few mths and be happy than resent them every day.
As others have said. The retirement home can prob take over most of your duties. Look inside yourself if there are reasons you need to change within yourself to make you accept the way things could be.
I went to Europe every couple of months for many years. Expensive. Couldn’t work full time. Always a crisis with my parents and it was just a game to pull my string and get me to go and give them attention. I had POA. Mum tried to get dad declared ‘not of sound mind’ so she could kick him out of the house. I intervened and protected him as he was in his 90s and didn’t want to leave home nor did his docs say he had to. (she’s a vindictive so and so).
All the times I went over. Left my young kids. Didn’t work. Spent a ton of money on them flying, renting a car to get to them etc. It meant NOTHING to them. Inside I think I was trying to get a pat on the back and approval which with Narcissist parents never comes.
Don’t put yourself through this. You don’t get a medal at the end. I’ll never get the 20 years back and my kids will never get a mom who was there for them all the time when they were little.
Now mum is in a home and I just pay the bills from her account. She has Alzheimers and is toxic as ever. In fact there’s a risk of her being kicked out. In that case she is on her own