My loved one has been in Assisted Living for 8 months. She does ask once in a while if she can afford to live there, to which I answer yes. Now she says that soon she wants to go over how much it has cost her to live there. She also wants to see her longterm investment paperwork. It took me a long time to put all of the ducks in a row re: her finances. I don't want to show her what is happening now. The cost of the ALF is much more than she thinks it is. Also, I think she wants to see how much money she has, because she wants to buy a car (thankfully I got that out of her life at the same time she started living in the ALF). I am keeping very careful records about the spending I am doing from her accounts toward her care. I don't want her to obsess about not being able to see her finances - in a similar vein, she asked me to bring some fairly valuable jewelry to her, and when I wouldn't, she obsessed about it for months. I need to figure out a way to avoid showing her her finances without it becoming a big deal. She is a very stubborn person.
Would she recognize the date if you showed her an old statement?
Can you show her a summary?
Could you show her her investment portfolio?
Then, when she says oh goodee that'll get me a Bugatti and a couple of Daimlers you can hand her What Car and Classic Car and Formula One Today and tell her this needs careful research, it's not an impulse buy.
I sympathise with your anxieties. I certainly wouldn't show her the ALF statements without carefully matching them to gains in her investments. But... you do have an obligation here, as you recognise. It's her money she wants to know about, her jewellery she wants to see - you couldn't let her stroke it and then return it lickety-spit to safekeeping? - and most of all her habit to be orderly, and these are things you should try to assist as far as possible.
Keep a solemn face and give her genuinely as much data as you think she can handle. Bit of luck she'll get tired and be glad to give it up.
I recommend fibbing as much as you can get away with. I keep assuring them that the house is fine, I’m taking care of it (meeting with a realtor this week) and they have plenty of savings. (Enough for maybe 3 to 4 years at this place)
I also tell them their pensions, soc sec and insurance cover the cost of AL. (Actually, less than half). This is working for me so far.
Dad does have periods of agitation, tries to find his car and go get his money I took from him, but the staff redirects him and 5 minutes later....Never happened.
My mom went to AL 3 months ago. She has some dementia and has asked, "Now, am I paying to live here?" The first time she asked how much, and I told her the truth, I thought she was going to insist on going back to her condo.
The next time she asked, I lied, and reduced the cost significantly. She still thinks it's a lot and asks if she still has money to cover everything (she does). I have not forwarded her mail because 1.) she can't do anything with it anyway and 2.) I don't want her bank statements lying around. I trust the employees, but you just never know.
With dementia, I think little lies can be overlooked. It's makes everything less stressful for everyone, and that's the whole purpose of AL.
Can you say, "Oh, I forgot them at home. I'll try to remember next time"? Then can you "forget" each time?
As to finances, either bring in so much that it will overwhelm her or say there are a lot of files so you can only bring so much at a time so what does she want first - take a pix & print it off - then when she asks again show the pix on your cell phone to show 'she just did it' & that it is a lot of work for you to bring it all the time
As I read it - this is mainly a cry of 'am I safe?' not that she really wants to know exact figures - I always say same thing ' you have over $185,000.00 & that's enough until you are 119 years old then we'll have to find some other money' - as I use those same numbers all the time I think it rings a bell somewhere in her brain = the truth - she usually laughs & says she won't live that long - hope this helps & good luck
As to the questions - most definitely try to fluff her off. Forgot it, have to compile it, the dog ate it... whatever works to pass it off for the moment. Even if you do show her the real numbers or phony ones, what's to say 5 minutes or 5 hours later she won't ask again, having forgotten she saw them?
A few times when I was there around dinner time our mom was worried that she had no money to pay for dinner... The aides and I assured her it was already covered - didn't even matter by what, just so long as she understood that she did not need money. She also asked, before and after we moved her (she did NOT go willingly), what the cost was, and like some others I pushed the VA thing until at some point she thought it was a VA place (we have not even finished the paperwork to get any assistance). After a lunch visit, we went to her room and she told my daughter it "wasn't bad" AND stated "it's FREE"! Eventually they will forget. There is no harm in little white lies as they are not done to hurt the person, but rather to soothe. Redirection can sometimes help too.
As for the car desire - does she still have a license? Mom's expired (we had already removed the car to protect others!) but I let her keep it as ID. When we go to appointments, she rifles through her purse and wallet and at some point looking at it she noted that it expired. If your mom still has hers and it is expired, show it to her and explain even if she had a car it is not legal for her to drive it, then change the subject...
We did eventually have to hide her purse. When she first moved, we let her have a little cash on hand, because she always liked to treat if one of us took her to lunch. Over time, however, we realized she had absolutely no need for any cash. Still, somehow, a couple of hundred dollars kind of disappeared over time. So, it goes without saying that she has no valuable personal possessions there. The staff all seem wonderful, but who knows? Plus, Mom's memory is so bad, she has no idea what happens to her or who she interacts with on a day-to-day basis.