How do I overcome guilt with not really wanting to go visit my mom in memory care?

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How do I overcome guilt with not really wanting to go visit my mom in memory care?

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It was a very tough road getting her there to begin with. Took me years to get her into memory care and it really only happened because I finally got ahold of someone in a facility who literally helped with saying the right things to her to get her to agree. Now that she's in there (just one month in) I'm afraid that if I go and see her she's going to think she's leaving with me and she's not going to. Honestly I'm feeling so angry and resentful that she put me in this position to begin with, as an only child and a single parent. She is the type of person who doesn't have a will, doesn't plan or set anything in motion for any future situations that might arise (like dementia). This left everything on my shoulders for years until I could get her placed. I was able to finally get her to agree to signing a POA about 6 months ago.

So it's really a mix of anger/resentment as well as not really wanting to see her in this condition any more. I'd rather remember her as the person she was before the dementia took hold. Her birthday is on Sunday and I've been wrestling with what to do. I was planning on getting her some flowers and dropping by McDonald's, as she has been obsessed with it for the last few years (I know, strange...but dementia).

Thankful that I'm not having to deal with worrying about her personal safety on a daily basis, but now struggling with the guilt of not really wanting to visit. If anyone has any thoughts on how to move through this, I'd love to hear them.

Alzheimer's & Dementia Family Caregiver Guilt Memory Care

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I'm an only child too who was handling my parents' entire LIVES for the past 10.5 years. My mother was in Memory Care AL for the past nearly 3 years, with advanced dementia, and I dreaded every single visit I took to see her, that's for sure. But I went anyway, b/c I was all she had (She passed away on 2/22/22) So I just did what I felt was necessary, and went over there at least once a week, twice a week or more as things got worse and she neared the end (daily when she was dying), and even did window visits during Covid for an entire year. Not all the visits were great; she'd insist on coming to live with me and my DH, and I'd have to remind her that wasn't possible, then hear her wrath about it, sometimes cutting the visits short as a result, but at least I WENT. I would bring her food (sometimes McDonald's too, b/c they all get cravings for 'regular' food while eating the same food day in and day out in the MC), sometimes Kentucky Fried Chicken, or Italian from the local restaurant, etc. When we visited inside, I'd ask the CGs to bring her to the visitors living room area which had more room in it than her private room, so we could spread out a bit. I'd bring lots of photos of her great grandson to keep her distracted (that's the key, really: DISTRACTION), snacks and maybe a new top or nightgown). My DH would pinch hit and talk to her if she got irritated or off track on a rant; we'd keep the visits to 45 minutes or so, and then high tail it out of there.

It was very hard to see her in the deteriorated condition as the dementia progressed, I agree......but it was also important for me to be there to SEE her and to know if/when I had to advocate FOR her, you know? If something was lacking in her care or if I felt like I had to step in to demand something additional be done on her behalf. I kept in close touch with her PCP and then her hospice nurse which I asked to have ordered for her (twice, actually). So it's important, IMO, for us to stay in close contact with the MC, the staff, and the administration to make sure our mother's are being properly cared for during their residency there. They CAN fall through the cracks otherwise, not always, but it won't happen if we're there and making SURE it doesn't.

I know how hard all of this is, and I know how the worrying doesn't stop once they're placed; in many ways, the work just begins then. Decide how much/how often you want to go visit, and then take a deep breath and just do it. If you decide to visit once a month, then so be it. Don't let 'guilt' keep you bogged down in between visits. That's the key to living a good life, which you deserve to do. You matter too, not just mom.

Good luck!

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Lealonnie- I always appreciated your wise answers to everyone's questions. I'm sorry to hear about your Mom's passing, but have always been impressed with your faithfulness to her. I'm praying that you are now at peace and able to enjoy your life.

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You’ve done a lot for your mother and she’s blessed to have you. I’ll always advocate for everyone in a care setting to be visited. We found it often makes a big difference. It’s like when the staff sees that the family cares, they care more. And the staff needs to know someone is watching. Don’t listen or participate in any conversation about her leaving the place. Go once a week, it doesn’t have to be a long visit. See that she’s okay, her needs are being met, show that you care, check in with the staff and go. Do something positive that you enjoy when you leave to help lift the dreariness of it all. i wish you peace

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My mom’s bday was this week, my sibling has been awol for both parents and I was already emotionally burned out by the time mom landed in MC.

Totally agree with Lealonnie and Daughterfo1930 though I admit living my life sans guilt and sadness is a Jedi mind trick I have not remotely mastered. For my mom what I’ve found works best for visits by far is to be involved in an activity. Their exercise classes are best , but whatever is on tap ( walked into a bingo game once! ) is good. The MC where my mom lives has a SAINTED fluffy cat who owns the place and when that cat wanders into mom’s room it is the best, floofiest distraction. Photos worked for a while too, but not so much any more…did I say I LOVE that cat?!!

I need to see mom but also dread the visits, the bday was no exception. At this point I basically psych myself up by thinking of visits as a performance, and I’m doing a military operation and cant’ abandon my post. I just do. My. Job. Crying can happen in the car later. I also make sure to have some evening plan afterwards and/or the next day. Usually this involves having my favorite beer or wine handy and imbibing while watching sci-fi. Not the healthiest option but I’m not a big drinker. The day after mom’s bday I did a short day hike with some neighbors who had moved away….I knew I needed extra for her bday.

Anyhoo that’s how I get through it. Like I said I will not abandon my post but planning ANYTHING simple and nice afterwards is the best way I’ve found to deal. Mom likes the visits so I’m just trying to do the right thing without losing myself. It is very difficult.

Wishing you the best and I hope you do something nice for yourself asap!

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Call and ask the Nurse how is she doing? Tell her your plans and see what she says. Go anyway but your a little more prepared for what may happen. Get her the flowers and McDonalds. She is not going to celebrate too many more. You don't want regrets or guilt when she is gone. You want to be able to say, I did everything I could. Thats all anyone can ask. You don't have to stay long. Take her a pretty card too.

My Moms birthday is today. She would have been 94.

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Happy birthday, Mom!

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Around the time when my mother went to live at MC, someone here posted that they think of their mother as a “client” that they need to go once a week and advocate for. That helped me a LOT, and still does.

I generally only visit once a week.
I become too emotionally drained to do it more than that.
I end up praying out loud in the parking lot, asking God to give me the strength I need to accomplish this visit.

I try and get the caregivers’ names, and use those names when I go into the MC. I look them in the eye, and try and give them a big smile. I want them to know that I know that my mother is a handful, and that I appreciate their work in taking care of her.

I’m a retired teacher. I remember parents who appreciated me and let me know. It gave me extra patience for their children. I think it’s just human nature.

I also bring in treats for the caregivers once a month, and include a thank you card. I know that they appreciate it. I make sure that I bring enough for all three shifts.

Best wishes to you.

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Ah yes, I would make the sign of the cross leaving the house/getting into the car in the driveway here at home, and again exiting the car on the way into the Memory Care. I'd pray for the strength to keep a smile on my face for the duration and to keep my cool for the duration, too. Actually, I'd make the sign of the cross before going into the regular ALF when mom lived there, too, and even when she lived in IL. She was one tough old bird, my mother.

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I am in the same situation and often feel the same way. Every time I visit she asks me to take her home, out to the store, or do something else I am not capable/willing to do. I have a full-time job and 2 kids so spending every weekend visiting her is difficult and time-consuming. Throughout the pandemic, I didn't visit (their rules) and actually felt less guilt as I didn't feel I needed to give up my weekend to visit her, see her decline or have her beg me to leave. She has been there for over two years and I anticipate will be there for many years to come.
I have decided recently to try and visit every weekend, but keep the visits to under an hour. If she asks to leave or go somewhere, I am honest and tell her I can't take her. If I can't make it one weekend, I don't worry or feel any guilt.
I would visit at a frequency that works for you. Don't feel obligated to go everyday/week or feel guilty if you can't go. She is safe and being cared for and that is what is important.

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During the Covid lockdowns, when we couldn't visit at all (before the window visits were arranged) was THE most freeing time of all, when the only contact I could have with my mother was by phone. Sad but true.

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My NH visits to my mother decreased with time, and finally I stopped going. Her memory was such by then that she didn't even know, would tell people I'd been up to visit. She was placed only five miles from my house, so distance or time had nothing to do with my decision.

What do you think would diminish your guilt (assuming you'd have it)--going up only on holidays or her birthday?

But then, the relationship you had over the years with her and your present feelings about her, you might be able to walk away without guilt...she's safe and cared for.

I did not feel guilty when I stopped visiting, and that was due to our relationship over the years, my anger and resentment and stress, and that she was now safe and under care. And in MC, they can still think you are visiting.

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Your real mother died many years ago. The person in memory care is not your mother anymore. They are the living remains of who your mother was.
You have no reasons for feeling guilty for not seeing her.

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Thank you so much for this as this is completely how I feel about it too, as harsh as it sounds. This is why they call it "the long goodbye" because they just slip away slowly right in front of you and you're left with a shell of someone you knew. I need to find ways of dealing with the guilt/anger/sadness and moving on.

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I've read the replies so far. I hope you feel less alone. That there are others who feel this way & really understand.

I also quite dreaded visits (when in respite care). I was trying to figure out just why that was.

Part of it may be the overhanging feelings from the sheer hard work to get Mom into MC. A thankless task.

Part of it may you had to let go of the Mom you knew.

Another part: depletion. When you have given so much, you get drained. Just not much or nothing left to give. Nothing left to put towards making a new connection with this MC Mom you now have.

I think this state is described as *compassion fatigue*. The treatment is self-care.

I'd agree to short visits.

Especially if the relationship is still one-sided. If she wants something from you each time.

Someone asked me to weigh up these 2 options & choose the least worst one;
* No visits but ongoing Guilt vs
* Dread-Visit-Drained

I suppose, choose your least worst option too?

Hopefully in time, once she settles in, you will find something in common you both enjoy. Others have found this. Sharing old photos, a coffee at the cafe, sitting in the garden.

(I've chosen to visit but less frequently & keep it shorter. No time for 'jobs'. Less draining)

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Thanks for this reply. I think you nailed it perfectly in that I feel completely and utterly drained from dealing with her for the past 5 years, but particularly during Covid. I took a week off of work, after I was able to get her placed, with the intention of relaxing and getting a few things done. Instead I was SO ill. Can't help but think my body and brain just needs a full reset. Like I just need to get away from the entire situation for awhile and get back to taking care of me.

Her utter denial over what was happening to her (which is understandable given Alzheimer's) but even before in setting up financials so that I don't have a mess to contend with later. So aggravating. I think I'm just utterly fed up with dealing with the delusion. Even though you care for this person it's hard to sit with someone and have a circular conversation for longer than 10 minutes. I will definitely get her some flowers and food for her birthday, but I'll play it by ear on Sunday in terms of visiting with her. And I do agree with the other person who wrote in that said my mother has died awhile ago. It sounds so harsh, but it is so true. I can't imagine how holidays will feel going forward.

I still have to go through her entire house and have it painted, repaired and rented. Planning on getting to it as soon as I have my energies restored and maybe more help from my children this summer.

I think I just needed to hear that it's normal and I'm not a terrible daughter/human for feeling this way. And I like your choose the least worst option...hate to say it, but right now I'd go with the guilt. Can't afford any more draining at this point.

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How do I overcome guilt with not really wanting to go visit my mom in memory care?

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