My dad lives independently, has Alcoholic Dementia (with lack of insight prominent), and I provide to all his needs ie. laundry, groceries, clothes, doctors appts, finances, cash. I don’t believe he could do it on his own.
His last hospital stay from a fall rendered him too weak to live independently. It resulted in therapy for a short time, & ongoing assistance coming in multiple times a day to ensure he is ok, medication taken, fed. He declines to continue his excercise, declines any hygiene help from them & wears Depends. It’s starting to show. He can move within the condo but finds it an effort to even get up to go to the bathroom.
He knows we have a deposit down on a luxury retirement home ready for occupancy in 2020- he agreed to the deposit. My dad is in good shape financially, loves his luxury condo, and says he’ll die before he goes anywhere else.
I need tips on how to convince him to go into the home when it’s ready. He says he will not go into a home because I want him too. I’ve taken him to a similar one for a tour (that has a deposit as well), I’ve told him I’m 60 and it’s taking it’s toll on me physically & mentally (he’s very demeaning, negative, & demanding). I have osteoarthritis, a fused ankle, & dealing with my dad is very emotional for me. I am shortening my visit time, and seeing a social worker for guidance. Other people encourage him to try retirement homes.
Any tips on how to get him there by occupancy date with his agreement? I’ve started to have more serious conversations about it -he’ll be 90, I can’t do this forever with my health, it’s closer to me & I can be there more often (5 min. away), it’s hard on me. (He has bowel/bladder issues that require cleanup with carpeting) He answers with - it’s too expensive, I have everything I need here; he can do it himself & wants to live off Nutrasystem; he can go to the store himself etc (he cannot).
Have you been there? Any tips?
The doctors say it may take a broken hip or other to make the decision for him and I don’t want that to happen.
As the timelines draw near I need a game plan but not sure there will be one that will help.
He has TOLD you that he will not go.
He has SHOWN you that it will be impossible for you to continue to care for him.
If his brain is damaged by alcohol AND age, it may be helpful for you to get a document from a trained geriatric mental health specialist, verifying that he is no longer capable of taking care of himself or making the decisions necessary.
Invite a “friend” (geriatrician, geriatric psychologist/psychiatrist etc.) to visit when you have some reason to be in his quarters. Someone trained in geriatrics can get a lot from a “visit”.
Once you have a written statement in your hand you will be able to move towards addressing your dad’s needs with compassion AND the security of knowing that what you are planning for him is for HIS safety, comfort, and security.
No one likes change, including Dad. He has a negative answer for everything, apparently. But for your own sanity and health, this has to be.
They say that a week is a long time in politics. Well. This move isn't even scheduled for over six months. I should wait and see before you lose too much sleep over the moving issues.
But DEFINITELY get more hands to the pumps!
The care he is getting is from Homecare & he accepts it because it is covered by the government (we live in Canada), is no cost to him, & he has been told that without them...the next time he may be hospitalized & deemed no longer to live independently & cannot go back home. I handle his finances, & pay with his finances. Thank you for your guidance
Finally, I had just had enough - long story. I explained that I would only stop by his home to drop off groceries each week. I wouldn't abandon him, but I wouldn't facilitate him staying in his house. He grudgingly moved to the retirement apartment (smaller apartment than he had wanted but we took whatever was available.) I had to move fast at that point - got him moved and got the house sold so he couldn't go back. He's still not 'happy' about it but he has stopped b*tching about it.
My advice: 1) Pull back on all your help. You are enabling his current lifestyle at your expense. He actually doesn't care how this is impacting you. He only cares about getting his way. 2) Stop trying to talk him into making the move until closer to the time. Act like you assume the move will take place as scheduled. Do not ever expect him to happily move to the retirement apartment. Expect him to tell everyone that you 'put' him there. Ignore all those comments. Do not respond. 3) Recognize that as long as he has not been declared incompetent that he is allowed to make bad decisions. Which may mean he stays in his current condo with nasty carpet and eating nutrisystem until Adult Protective Services gets called in or he calls you and says he's ready to move. At that point hope that a space is available in the place that you want or else you'll need to to find another place fast.
It's not easy watching our parent make bad decisions, or being blamed for everything that doesn't go their way, or realizing that things aren't going to get better, only worse, and that we really don't have any control over it. Set boundaries and stop enabling his bad decisions. And come here often and tell us how things are going. It really does help to have people who understand.