Father in law is healthy and takes care of her now. Her motor skills are declining rapidly due to strokes & Alzheimer’s. I have been a caregiver to my Mother who is in assisted living now. I can’t bear the thought of having more trauma at my home but feel guilty and ashamed to say no. I never got along good with father in law. They have a daughter who lives nearby.
Why did you bring up their daughter living nearby? If they have two children, one male and one female, and they need assistance, it should fall on both their shoulders, not just the daughters.
Don't feel guilty. Period. Even if you didn't have a breakdown or conditions or what have you, you do not have to be a caretaker. It is not a job for one person in any event and will get worse as time goes on. Please remember you don't need to have a reason to say no to anyone for anything. Your desire to not do it is enough. But first get your husband involved, state your boundaries, and then have him deal with the in laws. Yes, even if you've always handled all of this type of thing, you have him deal with his parents. Period.
You can say no and I urge you to set the boundary and say no.
It is a false expectation in our culture that we will lovingly care for our parents and our in laws regardless of their condition.
I said yes when my mother started letting her bill lapse, was leaving the stove on, and would forget my brother's name. I wrapped my arms around her life and moved her into our home. It has not been a picnic and has adversely affected our lives in many ways. Yes...it is a blessing to give care and love back to our parents. However, we are only human and there is so much to do..like prepare for our own aging and working on our own health and the maintenance of our lives. Mom has fallen 3 times in 5 years at my home. Every time is traumatic. Then it is usually a 3AM ride in an ambulance and then the doctors, the nurses, the medication lists etc. I am at the end of my rope and seriously looking at putting mom in a good place. We have lives too and need to live them.
Then, have this same conversation with his sister (and her spouse) and set your hopes and boundaries for YOU-all.
Finally, have a family meeting with all of you. This is a family issue. Your MIL needs care, and your FIL really needs some relief.
There are many facilities where there is progressive care, from independent living all the way to Alzheimer's and Hospice.
Everyone needs some calmness. I hope you find some.
There is an excellent book called, When People are Big and God is Small, and the theme is that you should not be afraid of what anyone thinks. Ultimately, you are only responsible to God and your conscience, and you should never base your decisions on what other people might think of you. It's your life, and you must learn to stand up for yourself. Giving in to what others think or want is a recipe for misery for you, and even for them. Take courage, and just say no!
No one ever taught us in school that our parents would one day grow old and would lose their minds in many cases. It is the most heartbreaking ordeal to watch 24/7 as your loved one deteriorates. No one ever prepares us for old age or for making provisions for our elderly parents, who often do not have sufficient resources...because they did not plan and no one taught them either. Personally, I think this is hug hole in our culture and we should begin educating our kids about aging and care of the elderly. We should also have laws and systems in place to cover "post retirement".
Say no. Just say no.
You are sorry but wouldn't be able to handle going thru it again.
Also let the daughter know this.
You can let them know that you would be happy to help out and give them an overnight or a few days break if they are going on vacation but they will have to make other arrangements than living with you.
Based on your health issues - i would be surprised if anyone asked.
Why is "NO" not good enough? Is anyone pressuring you or are you doing this to yourself?
NO is a complete sentence and you do not need to explain. If pressed - "my doctor says absolutely not" end of story
Besides, you have a daughter that is closer to you than I, so she would be better suited than I to help you.
Thank you for your respecting my decision it is greatly appreciated.
If he keeps on nagging you just politely explain that if he does not respect your decision about moving in then he would not respect the living arrangements. That would make it difficult and unpleasant for both of you.
If he keeps on nagging you just inform him that the telephone call is being recorded and if he does not stop immediately harassingly you, you will give the recording to a lawyer and the lawyer will be contacting the police. He can spend the rest of his time on this planet in a jail cell for harassment. Sometimes only tough love works.
Accept that you feel guilty and shame.
Then get into therapy to deal with these strong negative emotions. They are deep rooted and require focused tenacity to dive in and through.
You might initially ask yourself:
How much do I care about MYself and the quality of MY own life?
Do I put others' needs before my own? If yes, consider "Is this what I want to do for the rest of my life?"
It is NOT easy to change how we think of our self and if/how we love and/or respect our self. These are life-long patterns of behavior (and mental "I'm not good enough" - a message many of us get / got and carry with us). You will need to make a decision to allow yourself to FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE while being aware of your feelings (guilt, shame) and learn how to observe them without being attached to them. Watch them as an outside observer. Separating automatic behavior/thought patterns is one of the most difficult decisions we can make in our life. We do this when we are ready; when we know we deserve to be a whole person for our self first, then assist another as we can. Continuing to put an other's needs before our own translates into never knowing the essence of who we are.
BE BRAVE ! FEEL the shame and guilt. Observe it. Write it down. Then it will not be 'stuck' and you will feel other ways. Feelings want to move through, allow them to do what they need to do. You can do it.
Nancy may not have given the correct message in drug use (as addictions are extremely complicated and require more than Just Say No, however in this case, she is right. JUST SAY NO then start working on your (inner) self and build up your self-esteem.
DO READ RESPONSE FROM DEMI53 . . .
Heed her experience and be forewarned. . .
You mention at the end about a daughter who lives nearby. In all due respect, it sounds like you are a martyr:
One definition:
"In psychology a person who has a martyr complex, sometimes associated with the term "victim complex", desires the feeling of being a martyr for their own sake, seeking out suffering or persecution because it either feeds a psychical need or a desire to avoid responsibility."
Its perfectly okay to want to avoid this contract and all the stress you know it will put on you, your home, your family, your limited time living on this beautiful planet.
You're okay, kiddo😘
I write from the patients perspective. I was diagnosed with Early onset ALZ 5 yrs ago next month. I've spent a lot of time on Agingcare learning as I started on my journey. Most recently, my Neuropsych exam says I am in Mid-Severe Dementia and need 24/7 care, was the Neuropsych Doctors' opinion. My Neurologist and PC both feel that it is not a correct diagnosis. Be that as it may, I'm still stuck with that moniker in my medical records.
I have told my DW that when I do required 24/7 care, I want her to put me in a facility at least a 100 mi from where we live. I don't want my family to feel they have to spend every waking moment visiting me in MC. We have two sons that are adults and starting to make lives for themselves. We also have a teenage special needs child. I believe my DW should be spending her time focusing in our daughter. I also want her to feel as though she can go ahead creating a new life for herself. Should that mean meeting someone she wants to date. I say go ahead. My DW is 8yrs younger than me and I think she should be able to enjoy life with another husband. I don't think she should have to be focused on me at a stage that I don't even know who she is. I know this is contrary to the way many people think, but I've thought this way since before I was ever advised I had dementia. She's been totally devoted to me and she's taken good care of our family through many health issues I've had with Sleep Apnea and at 40 being diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy. My Ortho Doctor couldn't believe I hadn't been diagnosed with the M D when I was a child. I'd always been told I just had a high arch.
I know I come from different experiences, but my DW has been so good to me, I think she should be able to live life to the fullest. We've been together 27 yrs dating and 25 yrs married. Life could never have been any better than it is.
I have long thought since I was taught by my mother who was DON for a Catholic Skilled Nursing Faciility, and I've told my 3 adult children, two of them ours, and our Teenage daughter that I don't want them giving my DW any trouble. We've done all of the financial and legal planning that needs to be done. Recent circumstances now require a little tweaking to make some matters conform to changes in the law of our state.
This would seem a perfect situation, except for one thing--my grandmother was from the "old country" (and looked like a stereotypical "babushka") and she could speak only broken English, and quite often my mother (and my sister and I) could not grasp what she was trying to tell us, so sometimes my grandmother would just laugh, wave her hand and say "okay, okay". When my father came home, she might tell him and he would explain what she had said for us.
By the time it was well into spring and it was time for my grandmother to be taken back to her own home where she lived alone (with frequent visits and help from the nearby uncle), my mother had started developing some form of colitis that took quite a while to treat successfully. Some years later, my mother told me she thinks this happened due to the rather low-grade but constant stress of trying to communicate with someone all day when there was a language barrier (but of course she never mentioned this to anyone, and my father had been dead for a couple years when she told me).
I figure that if one is trying to deal with a parent or in-law with whom there is a personality clash, this would be MUCH more stressful, most likely leading to physical illness. I hope Netty keeps this in mind--having both her in-laws essentially moving in will not "end well".
I could be that MIL. I was pretty much in the same situation five years ago but without a husband to help me out. Do NOT take "me" in please! I was 75 at that time and felt a bit desperate because my health went South fast all of a sudden. I "saw" all kinds of doom and gloom creeping into my future: woe is me whatever would I do? Face the truth of the situation honestly instead of throwing myself on my son is what I did. It's very easy for me, (seniors...MIL's in general) to panic instead of rationally thinking through a life situation with family. Sometimes elderly family members need to be brought kicking and screaming to the table to discuss these matters and to talk about what is possible and what is NOT. They have a say in family matters they don't have a "right."
Why does she needs permission to tend her mental health? She should say; they should listen. It's already causing stress.
Good vibes to all, I'm just throwing in my 2 cents:)
maybe they don’t want to move in and you are worried for nothing. You may want to get a mediator for the discussion. Have an agenda ready:
1) where would you like to live
2) what are your resources for decision on #1.
3) how much are you willing to pay/contribute to a family member to care for you in their home using an outside caregiver.
they may say they want to be with the daughter, then she will need to step up and help with the solution.
do your in laws have a church, you could invite their Pastor or someone from the church to speak with them on some options.
and last but surely not least, pray about it and ask God for guidance the right place for the best care for your in laws.
praying the outcome is good for your mental health. It’s the hardest thing to navigate.