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Mom believes that her dad and mom recently died (dad died 59 years ago and her mother died over 30 years ago!). She wants me to take her to the bank to get what was left to her. She's adamant and says that the bank is "holding money that he left the family." So, I take her to the bank and withdraw some cash and give it to her. After we left, she says, "We need to go to the bank. They are holding money that my dad left me. I can't get nobody to take me to get it." She's frustrated and I don't know what to do to appease her. I thought she would forget, but she hasn't. Please help me and tell me how to deal with this. Many thanks.

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Oh Wow! My dad did the same thing! He was obsessed with the bank and getting his money out. He would ask all of us to take him to the bank to get his money. This went on and on for months. I gave him an old bank book and he'd spend hours adding and subtracting the numbers saying the bank robbed him and they have his money. He'd ask the neighbors to take him to the bank! We would tell him the bank was closed for the day to get him to stop for awhile. Maybe you could try that.

It ended when he became fixated on something else... for weeks... I feel for you because we went through the same thing. It never ended... it just went from one thing to another. For months on end.
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I read your profile that your mom lives in independent living...? I don't know how bad your moms memory is... But my mom started with those types of 'requests'...and her dementia is very bad. there is NO WAY my mom could be in independent living. If your mom is telling you she is fine in independent living you may want to re-think that. (im not trying to be mean. just my opinion)

I had to take my mom to a geriatric doctor, after her primary dr finally asked if we(me) would like a referral to one. because my mom CONTINUED to insist she was robbed. she wanted me to call the banks and warn them that someone had her SS#. even after I told her MULTIPLY times that I called the banks (I didn't really) and everything was FINE. the conversation kept going and going. she was writing NOTES and taping to the walls. for the AL aids, to let them know *I've been robbed*

it was just TOO MUCH

so the geriatric dr started her lose dose anti-depressant. mom still says OFF the WALL stuff, but most times I can steer her another direction. but at lease shes not calling me everyday, saying: YOU KNEW I WAS ROBBED? DONT YOU?!

my mom and so many others will continue to get worse.
paranoia, seeing things, hearing things, incontinence, bad judgement...these are things that can happen. sometimes SO slowly you don't really notice. until its a daily occurrence.
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It’s human nature to try to make sense of things that make no sense. As Wally says, they hear things and see things that aren’t there and nothing we can say can convince them otherwise. When I visited my mom in the facility, I never knew where she would imagine she was. She told me she heard the staff speaking Russian and during the night, they had moved the building to Russia. She also told me she was a famous stage actress and her room was her apartment in a Chicago. On and on. I wonder if you told the famous Therapeutic Fib, “Everything’s fine! I talked to the bank and your money is all still there. “
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My Grandmother, who lived with us when I was a kid, had an obsession of wrapping up little trinkets and grandkids toys, gumball toys, jewelry, pop tops, any little small thing she could get her hands on, wrapping them in tissue paper, and then rubber bands. She would then hide them in her room, in drawers, and in the suitcases in her closet.

When my Grandmother finally reached the point of almost complete memory loss, and my Mom (her main Caregiver), a Nervous breakdown, and complete caregiver Burnout, my Grandmother was put into a Nursing home, the only Senior care they had in the 70's.

So then came the time to clear out her room, and we came across all her "little treasures", some of them disgusting things, if you know what I mean, but also some very expensive jewelry too! Uggg! She also ripped up almost every old picture and old family photo's too, which unfortunately were irreplaceable. 

Not a lot was known about Alzheimer's and Dementia in the 70's, it was all family caregiving in those days. I really feel for those who are going through this difficult time with their Loved Ones!
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We had a similar experience with my Dad. Actually , many,many obseesions over time. But Dad got it in his head that he needed to get his money out of the back after Mom passed away. The lie that worked the best for me, was to tell him that he had to wait for the probate to go through, before he could get anything that had been in just Mom's name. (actually no such account), but he bought that story. He had enough mind and awareness to know that probate can take months. That would stop the demand to go to the, "right now!!." At least for the moment. Good luck. (Just a little note: I remember thinking then, that I never told so many lies in all my life, until each of my folks developed Alzheimer's)
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Those with advancing dementia (and all dementias are advancing) have many strange needs. These needs are not "fictitious" to them, just part of their confused "reality." You are already trying the best approach--distraction. Humor is also helpful. In dealing with these situations you are not "lying" in the sense of telling an untruth. You are reaching out and trying to communicate to someone who is confused and troubled.
All I can suggest is that you share the burden of caring. You can't do it on your own. Both professional carers and other family members can be helpful. Try to see if you can find any of the "triggers"--specific words, times of the day, thoughts--that are starting this difficult behavior. If you can discover the triggers, you might be able to avoid the difficult behavior. As Dr Jennifer Bute (a medical doctor who is living with Alzheimer's says: "There is always a reason for the behavior." Take a look at her website: www.glorious opportunity. org which has a lot of suggestions about how carers can live with those experiencing dementia.
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We went through the same thing too, with my mom. We'd go to the bank 1 day, get out a few dollars, and then she'd want to go the next day. I agree with another post: you could tell your mom the bank is closed, either for a holiday, construction repairs, etc. We did this with my mom. We'd tell her that the bank manager, whom she had met with previously, was going to be out of town for a few weeks, and then I'd put on the calendar to see her when she got back. Usually, 2 weeks later, my mom would forget about it, (until the next time).
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Oh, I wish I had an answer! All I can do is offer solidarity and sympathy. My mom also will get ideas fixed in her head, and it takes forever to work through them: some nights I'll get six phone calls in a row (usually around 2 a.m.) about a "fictious" idea. I explain as carefully and fully as I can, think it's resolved, hang up, and then five minutes later she calls back to say, "I don't know if we've ever talked about this, but...."!

If it's a money issue, I figure it's stuck in her head because she used to be responsible for financial matters in our family, and now that she knows she's not in control anymore, she's desperately trying to make sure everything's OK. Her fixation is because she's scared, because she senses how much cognition she's losing. All I can do is reassure her; I try to get her to write down that she's already checked with me and that everything's OK, and that I check everyday to make sure her money's still where it should be. Sometimes I ask one of my sisters to reinforce the message: sad to say, my brother is more effective than any of us females to reassure her about money matters -- for her generation, I guess, it takes a man to understand some things :-(
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My Moms fixations didn't last long. She would say "we need to talk" and it was always about how she needed money. I did it wrong by explaining she didn't need money where she was. What I should have orobably said was that I had none on me and would go to the bank later.

I do agree with one poster. If ur Mom is in independent living, you may want to consider switching her to an AL. At this stage, she should not live alone. They are so unpredictable. I know money is a consideration. But as she progresses even an AL won't be able to care for her.
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As lengelland said, I wish I had an answer for you. All I can say is you're not alone and offer sympathy. Both my parents have dementia and my father still thinks my mom is controlling their money and hiding it from him. He knows he is beyond the ability to manage money, so at least he isn't asking for it. But he says "I don't know if I've mentioned this to you, but ... " And it will be the twelfth time that week that he has complained about mom hiding money and asked me to investigate for him.

I've found that the best thing to do for my dad is to say something that makes him feel like he's been heard, and that it is important. I assure him I will investigate (becuase he won't remember the next day). I don't ever tell him that his feelings are wrong.
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With so many similar experiences and good suggestions, mine certainly is not any more help. I comiserate! My husband wants to call the bank or be taken to the bank every few days. Our retirement checks both have direct deposit and come through the same place and on the same day. He has no concept of a "joint account", and always wants to know how much money HE has. He wants to buy a car because he thinks our car is MY car-though in actuality it is. The confusion is that we have always had two vehicles -a truck (his), and a car(ours).  I recently had to buy a car-used-because my old really banged up car was totaled, and because I have POA now and would be signing for him, the only way I could get the car was to do it solely on my own income. Anyway, he is convinced I am stealing his money and he fixates on that so much. I offer to show him a bank statement and he sits and looks at it for hours, folding and unfolding. But he does not understand why he can't spend what is there. Our bills are barely covered and we have almost no discretionary spending money at all. I do take him to the landfill every few weeks to turn in bottles and cans, and he gets that money to keep in his wallet. It helps a little. But it is all so so sad and I keep thinking about how confusing and frightening his world is.
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To all of you who have taken time to talk to me, I appreciate your suggestions, stories, and overall sympathy. This is a hard road. I'm so grateful for this forum.
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My first impression is that you did it too low key as if it was a regular visit - try making it more of an unusual event -

My mom did something similar so I arranged a visit to the bank - first I made an appointment & went in to explain what was most likely going to happen & how we could make it a good experience for her - second I took her & everything happened exactly as I figured ... even to her wanting to take out money, signing badly & wanting to do it again so they asked me to 'witness' her signature [as POA mine was the legal one] then they took a pix of us so I could show her later that she was there -

When we left mom was praising them so much that I said if a film crew was there & filmed her they would have a commercial - when we were there she said what she wanted done which is what I had already had planned - but the visit with the bank officer in a little office made it a step above a regular withdrawal but having the pix was invaluable - with your dad if possible take a pix showing him signing something & this may be the hardest part for the bank

Our visit was so good that I called her supervisor to praise her & also sent her a thank you note because she made my mom's last bank visit a great experience - it took me hours to prep because I needed to make a special trip [another town] to do set up & show my POA papers etc but it was worth it

Try making it out of the ordinary someway & with pix may re-enforce the incident stronger in his mind - then when he asks say 'dad I know you don't want to remember your father passing away but see here's the pix of when we did the bank visit' - so as you plan you want to be able to show the right type of shots etc - maybe even have him dress up with a shirt & tie etc for the bank visit to make it 'special' - good luck
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IMHO, even you withdrew a million dollars from her bank and gave it to her, she would still ask the same question.
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I wanted to add 1 more thing. My mom also had auditory and visual hallucinations. She was convinced someone was knocking on her door, so I made up a story: that the dryer lid slipped between my fingers when I was putting clothes in there. Our laundry room is adjacent to what was her bedroom, so it was a convenient fib. In a book I wrote about Alzheimer's, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale, I referred to this episode as," Liar, liar, pants in dryer." I hated to lie to her, but the situation required twisting the truth a bit. Like another poster said, humor is vital, to maintain your own sanity.
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You most certainly must learn to be quick on your feet (or rather slick tongued!) to dodge some things! When mom was still living in her condo, she kept thinking the W2s were a notice that someone died and left her money! I would hear this over and over by phone the first year until I could get there and showed her the tax documents and how the numbers matched up (actually they were old ones she dug out.) She finally bought the tax stuff, but why are they sending it now? I don't know mom, they're stupid! Only thing I could do was take them away when she was not looking. Then she dug out more stuff - had to arrange to get her out of the house and sweep it for any/all paperwork, documents, bills, banking papers, etc.
Next January, W2s arrive. Poor Uncle Roger "died" multiple times! Geez mom, you never liked dad's family, including Roger, so why would he leave YOU money???? Trying to explain the tax biz again was not working - she would point to Death Benefits and insist someone died, it just doesn't say who. Yeah mom, dad died and you get his pens.... Oh he died YEARS ago. Augh! So, wait till she heads for bathroom and SWEEP up the evidence! I needed them anyway, to do her taxes.
Now she often says she has no money when it is dinner or lunch time. Not to worry mom, it's covered! She more or less accepts that. She'll then say she has no money for anything else, and digs out some change. I pull my usual 27 cents from my pocket and say ME TOO! Fortunately she was not really a spend thrift (once she stopped supporting TJMaxx and Marshalls) so we have not had the bank issue come up other than the few comments above.
What she has been doing is asking for a ride to her previous home, to see her mother (first it was mother's place, now she has combined the two.) Make up excuses is all that works - too late in the day and not on the way home, she away on vacation, something, anything, to defer it to later and then she might/usually forgets.

The scenario moecam used might help. I took a picture at the latest dentist cleaning because the last two times I took her she insisted they did not clean her teeth! If possible, get some kind of "official" paperwork from the bank, even if you draft it yourself and just have everyone sign it, then make copies, one for the person who is asking for this all the time, and then copies for you to make copy of later for when they misplace the previous copy! Pictures, even one that shows the bank name in the background and hand shaking or something with the manager, to frame on the wall!

Any decent banker (of course some banks do not hire them!) would be understanding and willing to help out. It would benefit them as well if the person has a phone and keeps calling them (mom did this when I first took over paying the bills - kept calling for checks, but they get sent to me now.) Hope you can come up with something that works...
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Adding to Disgusted's post---my late mother who said about her friend, Thyra---"Thyra is bleeding internally." I said "Now mother, if Thyra was bleeding internally, she would not be alive; does that sound logical to you?" Now while I said this to my mother several times, her response was "Thyra's bleeding internally." Geezy Peezy! I dropped the subject and let her believe what she was determined to believe. Yet, if she thought that, then why did her friend, Thyra telephone her after she was supposed to have "bled out?"
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Llamalover47 - perhaps it was your mother's way of saying something else, something she could not get the right "words" for. Was Thyra perhaps suffering a loss, divorce or something causing internal anguish? I know sometimes people with dementia (and I go through this once in a while!) cannot come up with the word(s) they want to say, so they substitute whatever is closest, which can sometimes seem random or obscure.

The only instance that I can recall that our mother did this was in asking if I'd seen or heard from my younger brother recently. After my reply she said "He doesn't seem (pause here) friendly anymore." I don't think that is what she intended to say, as it would not really apply to a mother-son relationship, but it is what she came up with at the time...
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