How do I respond to my Dad when he is sarcastic and complains that I never visit?
My father lives in a personal care home. My Dad's mental health deteriorated after my mother passed away in October 2012. He was admitted to the hospital under "failure to thrive" by his PCP. He never went home after that. In the beginning, I visited my Dad every other day religiously. It was too much for me. I dropped back to twice a week for a period of time. The past couple years the visits were even less frequent. Of course, there's a lot of stuff going on in my life but it doesn't stop me from feeling guilty, guilty, guilty. Then, when I do visit like I'll be doing in about 30 minutes, Dad inevitably asks me, "So, when was the last time you were here? I don't remember" and/or "I didn't think you were coming back to visit" or something to that effect. As I write this narrative, I realize how I revert back to when I was a kid and got into trouble. The emotions overwhelm me. I know for a lot of people it may not seem like a big deal and in the big scheme of things, it isn't a big deal but I am now dreading goint to visit thinking about it. After every visit, I vow to myself I'll visit more often and I absolutely DO want to visit more. I think twice a week would work for both of us. I just can't seem to get it together. I wonder if anyone can relate to this issue.
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Can you sit down and talk yourself through how often it's possible for you to visit your dad? What's good for him and what works for you? Can you talk to the SW at the facility and find out what activities Dad participates in? How much he appears to be not engaged?
I feel like that ALOT !
I hate that feeling, like I'm going to see the principle at school! I haven't been in trouble like my whole life. but I always feel afraid im going to get caught/in trouble!
or having that 'very annoying/mean person' you have to work next to.
people you have to be around, and just DONT enjoy.
maybe you wont change him - he's going to be grumpy and accusing.
you cant change those annoying co-workers either.
Can you banter back by saying 'oh dad, you know that's not true" or "I can't wait to see you on Wednesday!" "I'll always come back, nothing could stop me!"
it may not feel comfortable at first to say that. but maybe its better to counter his negative with a positive. :/
Your father is being sarcastic. He’s trying to make you feel guilty and you’re obliging him. When he says that, heave a deep sigh and say, “Oh, yes...it’s just been ages and ages, hasn’t it???” Then give him a knowing smile and proceed with your visit.
If you feel he truly doesn’t remember your last visit, don’t argue. That will get you nowhere. People with dementia always believe what they say is true. Just calmly say, “Well, Dad, I’m here NOW.”
Turns out my visit with Dad earlier this evening was surprisingly pleasant. An old friend from nearly 55 years ago was sitting across from Dad. They were in a heavy discussion about a time when they both taught at the same private school. My Dad's friend was very animated and did most of the talking. Dad had a faint smile on his face.
I know my brother had similar feelings about my mother, and this is why. When he did ring, which was not often but let's not get into that, the very first words out of her mouth were invariably an excited: "when are we going to see you?!"
Well. I could have told her that this phrase could have been designed as a nuclear guilt button. But for one thing I would have been wasting my breath; and for another making him feel guilty was her last intention. She wanted to make him feel *wanted.*
And for another thing it's not impossible that at the time I felt it served him right if he felt guilty. So he should. A**hole. But as I say that's somebody else's story...
The stock phrases your father trots out when you arrive are just that - stock phrases. Like 'how are you?" or "long time no see" or "hey good-lookin'." What he doesn't mean is that he has been sitting and pining since you were last there, and he doesn't either mean to make you feel bad about it.
What I'd recommend is that you devise your own stock response to his stock greeting. Such as, "busy busy busy" or "well never fear for I am here" or whatever trips easily off your tongue. It's just a verbal handshake, to be got out of the way.
And as for the you really do want to visit more but...
Mmmmm. "I do but" I'm always a bit sceptical about. But that isn't important. What is important is that you visit as often as YOU think good, whether that's once a decade or twice a day, and don't worry about it. You have nothing to prove to anyone.
I remember visiting someone and their house wasn't real clean. and judging them. NOW I have found im not the best housekeeper. OR I judge people for driving "wrong". and then on a day when I have a HIGH STRESS, or I got NO SLEEP. I may have done a dumb thing driving, and got "honked at"
so now instead of just assuming what im thinking about someone may be true, I try to understand why they do what they do.
i hope the reliable family member stuck up for you and explained you do care.
i would have texted my sister at the time you cared for your mom at the rehab facility.
i would have said. hey i just took mom for daily walks and i did this and that. just wanted you to know. etc
i don't think you are overly sensitive. it hurts to be judged and to have someone have low perception of you.