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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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My husband had my father in law come to live with us without a plan and in the meantime he had a stroke, is not walking. He is eating better now but my husband still dies not have a plan after 4 months.
We never actually had a discussion about a plan for taking in and caring for our parents. When we built our house my father had passed and there was no moving Mom out of her home and she was able to live on her own for 10 years. The last 18 months she basically needed a companion and my Aunt and I shared that time with her. My MIL and husband’s eldest brother were both confined to wheelchairs so we redesigned our downstairs to accommodate if they visited or needed to move in with us. Bathroom was made larger with no cabinets so the sink was accessible, commode was set so that handrails could be added, shower was a walk in with a seat. Both office room and DR were changed a bit so that they could easily become bedrooms. Unfortunately both passed while we were under construction but the modifications stayed, who knows someday we may require single floor living. As we are now aging and were only blessed with one child, I have told him that he is not to but his life on hold to care for me if the time comes. I would love to be near him and see him often but do not expect him to do hands on care.
You and your husband need to have a talk about "the Plan". Does your FIL have PT, OT, ST, & Social Worker in place? If not call the doctor & get it started. Is your FIL able to hire help to care for him at home after the resources stop? Talk about the responsibility that is expected in order to care for FIL & see how it his care will be divided. You are a couple & should discuss this as you would about buying a car, etc. Do not let him make you responsible since he is the one related. Does FIL need placement? Decisions need to be made. You should take time to decide what you are willing to do for FIL & what you'll be giving up if he continues living with you. Decide your boundaries before your meeting. Hopefully your husband will understand your boundaries as a plan was not discussed before he moved in.
The Henry Cloud book 'Boundaries' is wonderful. It's written from a Christian perspective but I am not religious and still loved it. Also 'Don't Say Yes When You Want to Say No.'
Don't leave it to hubby to make a plan - it may never get done. Besides, this way you get to provide to your husband what you are and more importantly NOT willing to do. Once you make known what you are willing to do - stick to it. The 3 of you should set up some ground rules to make the best of living together.
Sit down and make a list of what you see are your FIL's needs. Hubby needs to take on duties of caring for his FIL - it is after all his father. Also list what FIL needs are that neither of you have the ability to do. These will then require FIL to hire aids to care for him.
My SIL for years was our MIL's caregiver - granted this was before she declined and was fairly independent and living in her own home. My husband worked on the road and was out of town basically 52 weeks a year (I was the last addition to the family and I also worked on the road). Well MIL was beginning to decline and SIL was trying to leave to get ready to go out of town, evidently MIL was delaying SIL leaving. SIL did go on strike (by this time hubby was retired). The 3 sons were left to split the duties of caring for mom. SIL somewhat relented and assisted her hubby. After MIL's death my hubby did tell SIL he appreciated being forced to care for his mother.
If it was never the plan for FIL to live permanently with you then together you and hubby should pick out appropriate facility for FIL to move. Your husband won't be abandoning his father by moving him to a facility. The facility has staff employed around the clock - more than your FIL could ever hire for himself 24/7. Your hubby would care for him by being his advocate and making sure the facility is meeting his needs.
Don't make any ultimatums unless you are willing to live with the consequences. This is a very stressful time for all involved, so approach the subject with kindness. Best of luck to everyone involved.
I would not demand a plan from your husband. I would ask him to sit down and together you can formulate a plan! This involves you quite a bit so you should let him know your feelings, the things you are not OK with, alternative options, etc.
You can also google (I have to run out the door for work however, I found these on the internet). You must take control of the situation. You have to devise the plan otherwise it won't happen and YOU / your health will suffer.
9 Ways to Set Boundaries with Difficult Family Members Understand that your needs are important. ... Seek out people who value you. ... Be firm, but kind. ... Keep your expectations realistic. ... Be willing to walk away. ... Keep in mind that you are in charge of what you do. ... Be direct. ... Seek to take care of yourself. 9 Ways to Set Boundaries with Difficult Family Members ... https://copebetter.com › 9-ways-set-boundaries-difficult-f...
What are healthy boundaries with family? What are some family boundaries? How do you set boundaries with dysfunctional families? What are examples of personal boundaries?
Great answers below, especially from Taama. It seems like the initial boundary broken was from your husband by not discussing this before your father-in-law was welcomed into your home. Some folks may tentatively listen but feel they have the overwhelming vote on what happens with their family; its understandable, but not fair if it directly affects others. Your vote to support this move-in to your home would have probably been contingent on a plan - which is pretty generous and reasonable. You need to reset with your spouse and reach a balance on decisions that effect you and your household. If this doesn't work, your backup plan could be bringing home a large ST Bernard, pig, or Shetland pony for a few days to make a point and have some fun.
Multigenerational living combined with health challenges can be daunting. Your husband has abilities where he truly shines - work, home or car repair, his hobbies...? You have abilities where you truly shine. They are probably not the same areas. You and your husband could probably each problem solve in your areas of expertise but not in every area. Some people are more gifted at seeing the "big picture" while other people are more gifted at seeing "the details." Planning care for his father may not be his area of expertise.
No matter how experienced or talented either of you are in caregiving, you can learn and have good outcomes. Consider having a series of conversations with your husband that lead to creating a plan of care for his dad. Make sure the conversations are always nurturing and never harsh or critical.
1 - Discuss what kinds of help dad needs now. Outline what each of you do to meet dad's needs: bathing, toileting, transfers from bed to wheelchair to chair, dressing and grooming, medications, physical therapy (work those muscles so eventually he can stand/walk better)... Dad should have regular appointments with his doctor(s) and physical therapy to improve his health.
2 - Discuss what type of home life each of you desire. Have discussions about what home life would look if dad was cared for by others versus if dad remained in your home. The goal is that each of you have your basic needs met AND opportunities to meet your social/fun needs. Basic needs are 7-9 hours of sleep every night, 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace, exercise and time out in the sun, "time off" to take care of your own health needs, and "time off" daily and weekly/monthly to "recharge your batteries" doing things you enjoy with people you enjoy being with.
3 - Discuss which types of care others could provide and research together resources/costs. Consider asking other family members, friends, members of faith community, and/or paid help (home health agency, caregiver, or residential care). If hands on care is difficult, then paid help may be necessary. If there is too much to do, many people in your life may be willing to help with specific tasks: pick up groceries, clean house, do yardwork, sit with dad for a few hours... You may need to create a schedule/calendar that outlines when/how others help.
4 - Have the hard discussion - when dad's needs are beyond everybody's abilities. If dad needs 24/7/365 care where nobody can get enough sleep, reasonably paced meals, or time to take care of themselves... it is probably time for dad to be placed in a residential facility with staff 24/7/365. Together research facilities in your area and decide on which place(s) are acceptable.
If you have these discussions together with all the members of the household, then your caregiving plan will come together.
Outstanding replies - bravo. I stand by my firm belief, based on a life of many experiences. When someone must care for someone with mental and physical and aging issues and that situation is having a very negative impact on those who care and who remain, then something MUST BE DONE AT ONCE. No one should be forced to be so negatively impacted. It could mean a caretaker or it could mean placement in a facility. Discussions must be held with the motto - We each have the right to feel what we do and disagree on some issues. But we need to find a suitable conclusion and compromise - and set boundaries and then take the appropriate action. Do not allow your life to be destroyed. You do NOT deserve that.
Dear Verohuera, Sometimes, people ask us to do things without realizing what they're really asking. If they knew the extent of the hardship they are causing, they may not feel as free to ask. Does your husband help equally with the caregiving, or does it all fall on you? Also, your at home son should be helping as long as he's living in your home rent free? As long as you are working full time, the caregiving needs to fall on all family members residing in your home. If the menfolk are required to step up, they may accept the fact that placing FIL in nursing home, or hiring in home care needs to happen. Caregiving is very difficult work, even when you choose to do it. Having it plopped in your lap, while everyone else goes about their life, is a recipe for depression, hopelessness, abandonment, abuse... just to name a few. Start setting boundaries by requiring your husband to do at least half of the caregiving duties.
What kind of plan are you referring to? Sounds like you need a short term and long term plan. You don't say if his disabilities are permanent or not - nor do you mention his mental capacity. For the short term, since your FIL isn't walking, it sounds like he could use some physical therapy and in home care. In order not to reach burnout you and your husband should hire some private help a few hours a days if at all possible. This will give you a chance to do things for yourself and get some respite. P/T may help restore some of your FIL's mobility. For the long term, be sure your FIL has a will or trust, POA, and Healthcare Proxy in place. Speak to a well regarded eldercare attorney about filing for Medicaid or Community Medicaid so that your FIL can apply for in-home or long term care if and when he needs it. There is a five year look back in financial assets, so this has to be evaluated now so you can take the financial steps necessary to apply for Medicaid benefits. Last, and most important, don't let this situation drive a wedge into your marriage. Your husband may be scared and uncertain of how to act and if he senses your resentment, it may result in him avoiding the situation totally. Find the right time when you're both in a good mood to talk about "next steps" - remember that you are a TEAM, and with kindness, support and love - you can resolve this issue and anything else that comes your way. I wish you all the best.
If it's you, then let your husband know that you are not willing to be his father's Caregiver and that while searching out Senior Homes, you will be hiring help and tell hubby it can be paid out of his father's money or ya's money.
Also, check out a couple places and make an appointment and let husband and father in law go with you to visit them.
If husband won't do this then take a vacation and go visit your relatives and let your husband and father in law see how it is when you're not around.
F I L will see how much help he needs and husband will see how much you have to do all day.
It's very hard being a Caregiver and it deffiently can destroy a marriage.
If you have an extra Bedroom, maybe you can hire a Live In.
For almost all major life events that my spouse and I manage together, we have some sort of plan: finances, careers, buying a house, starting my own business, retirement and now aging. The only thing that we may not have a plan for is what to to do on a day off. Moving an aging parent into your home is a major life changing event and in my opinion requires some sort of plan that both of you agree upon. It may be that your husband doesn’t know where to begin, or he feels overwhelmed. It may be that he doesn’t know how to set his own boundaries with his father and family. But if you read enough on this forum you will find many stories of people now dealing with a big mess because they didn’t have reasonable plans for managing their aging parents’ care. Or attending to their own health, emotional well being and relationships for that matter. As a partner in your marriage, perhaps you need to set your own boundaries and discuss them with your husband. Do your research, and keep in mind that your father in law’s needs can change rapidly and present a whole new set of problems. Even with a solid plan in place for managing my own mother’s care, things change rapidly and I can be temporarily overwhelmed and emotional with every new twist and turn. Thank goodness I have a well thought out guideline to keep me moving forward.
Your message looks like it could have been written by my husband, all those years ago, when my ailing father needed my care.
The plan, as I saw it, was to take care of my parents, come what may.
My husband demanded that my ill mother take care of my ill father, by herself, immediately. so his life could return to normal. That response along with his attitude, coldness snd constant smirking, soured my love for him permanently. He was not the person I needed him to be and my love for him, at that very difficult time in my life, died.
You get to decide your plan for yourself—the choices here for you are endless, but these two represent the ends of the spectrum.
One plan is giving (your husband) unconditional love and support and recognizing that he is also suffering right now;
An alternative plan is giving ultimatums and demanding that your husband specify his plan when he is going through a very difficult time.
Any choice you make could have consequences.
Begore you demand that your father-in-law needs to be sent away, be aware that you could be the one who ultimately will start packing.
Whatever the "plan" is, it needs to be discussed with all family members and with the elder if that person is not mentally challenged at this time. Also it needs to be clear between YOU and your husband that this well may not "work" and if it does not, what is the plan B. Do know that whatever lovely plan you work out in your own mind, it will go to chaos and quickly. I hope you have been on AgingCare Forum for long enough to learn this, or that you remain here and learn it as you go. If I know anything, I do know my limitations. Though I was a nurse and I loved it, it was ALWAYS clear to me that I could not do inhome care under even the best circumstances.
Give your husband a date, specifically and not far into the future, that he must have a plan for his father. Let him know that upon that date you either won’t provide any care or you’ll go on vacation by yourself. You’re being dumped on, and I hope you’ll make change happen
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
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I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
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APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
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This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
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You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Sit down and make a list of what you see are your FIL's needs. Hubby needs to take on duties of caring for his FIL - it is after all his father. Also list what FIL needs are that neither of you have the ability to do. These will then require FIL to hire aids to care for him.
My SIL for years was our MIL's caregiver - granted this was before she declined and was fairly independent and living in her own home. My husband worked on the road and was out of town basically 52 weeks a year (I was the last addition to the family and I also worked on the road). Well MIL was beginning to decline and SIL was trying to leave to get ready to go out of town, evidently MIL was delaying SIL leaving. SIL did go on strike (by this time hubby was retired). The 3 sons were left to split the duties of caring for mom. SIL somewhat relented and assisted her hubby. After MIL's death my hubby did tell SIL he appreciated being forced to care for his mother.
If it was never the plan for FIL to live permanently with you then together you and hubby should pick out appropriate facility for FIL to move. Your husband won't be abandoning his father by moving him to a facility. The facility has staff employed around the clock - more than your FIL could ever hire for himself 24/7. Your hubby would care for him by being his advocate and making sure the facility is meeting his needs.
Don't make any ultimatums unless you are willing to live with the consequences. This is a very stressful time for all involved, so approach the subject with kindness. Best of luck to everyone involved.
9 Ways to Set Boundaries with Difficult Family Members
Understand that your needs are important. ...
Seek out people who value you. ...
Be firm, but kind. ...
Keep your expectations realistic. ...
Be willing to walk away. ...
Keep in mind that you are in charge of what you do. ...
Be direct. ...
Seek to take care of yourself.
9 Ways to Set Boundaries with Difficult Family Members ...
https://copebetter.com › 9-ways-set-boundaries-difficult-f...
What are healthy boundaries with family?
What are some family boundaries?
How do you set boundaries with dysfunctional families?
What are examples of personal boundaries?
No matter how experienced or talented either of you are in caregiving, you can learn and have good outcomes. Consider having a series of conversations with your husband that lead to creating a plan of care for his dad. Make sure the conversations are always nurturing and never harsh or critical.
1 - Discuss what kinds of help dad needs now. Outline what each of you do to meet dad's needs: bathing, toileting, transfers from bed to wheelchair to chair, dressing and grooming, medications, physical therapy (work those muscles so eventually he can stand/walk better)... Dad should have regular appointments with his doctor(s) and physical therapy to improve his health.
2 - Discuss what type of home life each of you desire. Have discussions about what home life would look if dad was cared for by others versus if dad remained in your home. The goal is that each of you have your basic needs met AND opportunities to meet your social/fun needs. Basic needs are 7-9 hours of sleep every night, 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace, exercise and time out in the sun, "time off" to take care of your own health needs, and "time off" daily and weekly/monthly to "recharge your batteries" doing things you enjoy with people you enjoy being with.
3 - Discuss which types of care others could provide and research together resources/costs. Consider asking other family members, friends, members of faith community, and/or paid help (home health agency, caregiver, or residential care). If hands on care is difficult, then paid help may be necessary. If there is too much to do, many people in your life may be willing to help with specific tasks: pick up groceries, clean house, do yardwork, sit with dad for a few hours... You may need to create a schedule/calendar that outlines when/how others help.
4 - Have the hard discussion - when dad's needs are beyond everybody's abilities. If dad needs 24/7/365 care where nobody can get enough sleep, reasonably paced meals, or time to take care of themselves... it is probably time for dad to be placed in a residential facility with staff 24/7/365. Together research facilities in your area and decide on which place(s) are acceptable.
If you have these discussions together with all the members of the household, then your caregiving plan will come together.
Are you the person who provides care? You are a fulltime teacher. Do you get summers off? Because if you do, I fear that YOU are the plan.
Who does the caregiving while you are teaching and your H is working?
Things must be working out for your H, since after 4 months he still does not have a plan.
Have the two of you ever discussed things?
What are your fil's finances. Can he afford a facility? If not, is he Medicaid-eligible?
Is your H an only child? If not, where are the other siblings in all of this? And how did he come to live in your home?
Sometimes, people ask us to do things without realizing what they're really asking. If they knew the extent of the hardship they are causing, they may not feel as free to ask.
Does your husband help equally with the caregiving, or does it all fall on you? Also, your at home son should be helping as long as he's living in your home rent free?
As long as you are working full time, the caregiving needs to fall on all family members residing in your home.
If the menfolk are required to step up, they may accept the fact that placing FIL in nursing home, or hiring in home care needs to happen.
Caregiving is very difficult work, even when you choose to do it. Having it plopped in your lap, while everyone else goes about their life, is a recipe for depression, hopelessness, abandonment, abuse... just to name a few.
Start setting boundaries by requiring your husband to do at least half of the caregiving duties.
For the long term, be sure your FIL has a will or trust, POA, and Healthcare Proxy in place. Speak to a well regarded eldercare attorney about filing for Medicaid or Community Medicaid so that your FIL can apply for in-home or long term care if and when he needs it. There is a five year look back in financial assets, so this has to be evaluated now so you can take the financial steps necessary to apply for Medicaid benefits.
Last, and most important, don't let this situation drive a wedge into your marriage. Your husband may be scared and uncertain of how to act and if he senses your resentment, it may result in him avoiding the situation totally. Find the right time when you're both in a good mood to talk about "next steps" - remember that you are a TEAM, and with kindness, support and love - you can resolve this issue and anything else that comes your way. I wish you all the best.
Who is taking care of him?
If it's you, then let your husband know that you are not willing to be his father's Caregiver and that while searching out Senior Homes, you will be hiring help and tell hubby it can be paid out of his father's money or ya's money.
Also, check out a couple places and make an appointment and let husband and father in law go with you to visit them.
If husband won't do this then take a vacation and go visit your relatives and let your husband and father in law see how it is when you're not around.
F I L will see how much help he needs and husband will see how much you have to do all day.
It's very hard being a Caregiver and it deffiently can destroy a marriage.
If you have an extra Bedroom, maybe you can hire a Live In.
Prayers
The plan, as I saw it, was to take care of my parents, come what may.
My husband demanded that my ill mother take care of my ill father, by herself, immediately. so his life could return to normal. That response along with his attitude, coldness snd constant smirking, soured my love for him permanently. He was not the person I needed him to be and my love for him, at that very difficult time in my life, died.
You get to decide your plan for yourself—the choices here for you are endless, but these two represent the ends of the spectrum.
One plan is giving (your husband) unconditional love and support and recognizing that he is also suffering right now;
An alternative plan is giving ultimatums and demanding that your husband specify his plan when he is going through a very difficult time.
Any choice you make could have consequences.
Begore you demand that your father-in-law needs to be sent away, be aware that you could be the one who ultimately will start packing.
Do know that whatever lovely plan you work out in your own mind, it will go to chaos and quickly. I hope you have been on AgingCare Forum for long enough to learn this, or that you remain here and learn it as you go.
If I know anything, I do know my limitations. Though I was a nurse and I loved it, it was ALWAYS clear to me that I could not do inhome care under even the best circumstances.