How do I stop being a caregiver?

One more thought. You may want to call the Adult Protective Services in your state as a last resort if you can not get enough help elsewhere. I do not know in which state you live, but most states do have an Adult Protective Services, so if the doctors will not help, your mom continues to resist getting other help and you become overwhelmed trying to get help, call the APS in your area. You should be able to look it up online. If she goes to the emergency room for anything, talk to a social worker at the hospital and explain that you can no longer care for your mother. They will try to find a place for her.
I'm praying for you and your mom.

Sonjia, you've done your bit, you can step down with honour. That's how I see it anyway. If your mother is hard to please, she might just as well be that in residential care as in your home, don't you think? - some people aren't going to be happy no matter how hard you try, and it's not as if you're turning her out onto the street. And you may even find that once she's not in your face any more, you do get back some feelings of affection for her and will be able to enjoy spending more limited time with her during visits. You'll all be in a better place. Best of luck to you, hope the social workers have some constructive suggestions for the near future.

I agree, it's hard being a care taker. I have had my mom living with me in my house going on four years. And the burden is pretty heavy. I wish I had never stepped in to take care of her. I thought I was doing the right thing bring her into my home since my sister started getting physical with her when she was taking care of her. I ended up getting conservatorship over her because she suffers from dementia. I didn't think it would be this long? My mother also suffers with congestive heart failure, end stage kidney failure, and uses a wheel chair. Either I or my husband will pick her up from dialysis three times a week. She is negative, demanding and stubborn. She act's like we need to be her servants, and I'm really tired of it. Demanding soda's and food from only places she want's them from. My mother get's the best of care here with us. I just started putting my foot down recently. She refuses to drink the soda I buy from Walmart so I don't care if she doesn't get soda or not anymore. I want my life back. I raised my kids and I want the time with my husband now. My brother has so many problems his self he can't handle his own stuff. My sister refuses to come and visit because she wants nothing to do with my mother. My mother has always been very selfish and didn't care much for us as children. I am talking with a social worker about placement next week. I really hate the position I am in. I am going thru menopause right now and this is making me very ill myself. Part of me doesn't know if I can place her but I'm getting to the point that it's either my health or hers. I want to be around for my grandchildren. Any comments??

Also, I meant to add that I'm really shocked by her doctor! I'd switch to a neurologist as she appears to have a progressive neurological disease or a geriantologist (one who specializes in the elderly) and this I'd do right away.

Chinchilla I wish you the best of luck. Caregiving is certainly NOT for everyone, probably not for most people, and those of us who do it all the time want out sometimes, too. Please take the advice given and this will help both you and her. She is really old and needs help. If she is mentally sound, that helps some as you may be able to discuss things with her, maybe not, but perhaps a progressive care facility may be the best for her as the level of care increases as she needs it. Blessings to the both of you. Linda

IMHO the doctor you are using is terrible. See if you can find a gerontologist, that is a doctor that specializes in medicine for the elderly. Go to the nearest large city if you have to. Yes, I no ow that transportation is very difficult, but I think it will be worth it to get an opinion from someone who knows what he or she is doing, because your mother does not belong in her own home. She needs much more help than you can give, though she will not be able to see that. Often elderly people want to cling to independence as long as they can and will fight tooth and nail to keep whatever they can, no matter how detrimental to anyone else. I have seen it over and over again. There are some who understand and will go to assisted living or a nursing home willingly, but most will not. They think they can do it on their own with what they think is just a little help from you. They do not understand how hard it is on the caregivers.

She needs a thorough work up. Again, contact your area agency on aging and also then local Alzheimer's association. I got so much help from the Alzheimer's association even though Alzheimer's turned out not to be the problem. They had lists of neurologists, gerontologists, senior day care support, andM local senior agencies to help get us through it. I am using their help again for my Father-in-law, though he does not have Alzheimer's either. They can point you to a wealth of resources and provide a listening ear. Tell them you're situation snd ask where the best place to get help is. My prayers are with you.

Chinchilla, thank you for posting an update. Sounds like you are getting all your ducks in a row, and that is a good start. Here's hoping everything will go smoothly, and that your Mom will eventually be in a continuing care facility.

Thank you all for your thoughts. Many of your ideas will be put into use.
The doctor has refused to write an order for hospice or skilled nursing. He won't help with a state-ordered POA since she is (mostly) right in her mind. APS is no help so far. I don't know what other doctor to talk to since they all know each other in this area. Plus, getting her there...
Yes, I need to get out from under this, and no, I don't feel any more self-absorbed than the next person, but thanks for asking. After she is gone, I still have to support myself and letting her care get in the way of my work, which her situation is affecting, won't help either of us.
Luckily she has enough pension and money saved up for a nicer skilled care facility for at least a couple of years. Trick is to get her into it. I am talking to a lawyer today to adjust a financial POA that would take effect immediately, not upon mental incapacity, and I was planning on asking our bank to provide a notary. That doesn't help to get her in a nursing home, but she is going down so rapidly, I'm worried about her being to sign her name in a few weeks.
And yes, if she goes back to the ER, which will happen eventually, that is a very good time to have her transferred.
Thank you again, I am feeling a bit better about my situation and a tiny bit more in control for now.
PS - 10 kids, four of us are still communicating with her. The other six are ignoring the whole thing. One went to Vegas for Christmas and another just sent out a breezy Christmas email talking about his trip to Spain this spring. No mention of mom at all. I wanted to scream. Instead, I just hit delete.
Blessings on all.

Chinchilla-First of all I would like to commend you for stepping up and caring for your mom in spite of your past relationship with her and the lack of support from your siblings.  It is a blessing that you are open with your position of not wanting to be a caregiver for your mom.  Caregiving as you know is a huge responsibility, and most of the time caregivers are not selected, they volunteer or are appointed due to their relationship with the person they are caring for.   So, don’t feel guilty just get your mom some help.  You do not have to be alone on this journey, because there are support groups and other caregivers who would love to speak with you to help you positively move forward. However, please take the excellent advice from the posts above and get your mom some professional help before you completely step down as her temporary caregiver.  There are several agencies and support groups available to the elderly and caregivers; such as:  AARP and the likes. Unfortunately a lot of elderly people do not have someone like you to care for them when they are no longer able to independently care for themselves.   Please keep your head up and you and your mom will be fine.  Here is a BIG HUG from Dr. Gybrilla Ballard-Ballard, author of “Give Your Parents a Standing Ovation, For Caregivers of Elderly Parents".
 

Sent from Dr. Gybrilla Blakes' iPad

How to get out of the responsibility legally.... I'm not sure you have any legal responsibility in the first place. But, never mind that, fax the doctors and the local Adult Protective Services office telling them the date that you will no longer be providing care for her, be specific. Fax from a machine that provides a confirmation that the fax was received. Maybe even make a follow-up phone call to the staff to ensure the fax was received. She is the doctor's responsibility. Hospitals will shove almost anything off on any family member who looks like they can be coerced into providing free care. Write in the fax that she is unable to care for herself and is a danger to herself. Then when the day to quit comes, do not show up. Tell Mom you are quitting, Tell the sibs you are quitting. The don't answer the phone from any of them for several weeks after quitting. Keep us posted?

"...a severe case of fun deficiency. .." I just LOVE that dx!

you know what? your mom's doctors may be satisfied with their (lack of) diagnosis, but I would not be satisfied with your mom's doctors. Good cognitive function with severe physical disability as you describe could be anything from ALS or primary lateral sclerosis to cervical myelopathy to a brainstem stroke, all of which might have helpful treament other than the provision of high doses of benign neglect. Advocate for your mom by getting her to a decent neurologist, maybe university-based, maybe even via an MDA clinic for one thng.

You sound like your relationship with mom was not the greatest, and that you werw as well as are not really happy with your life, and here she is needing to take the little bit of happiness you had away from you, albeit now through no fault of her own. I won't presume I know what to tell you to do with that! Life is not being terribly fair or nice to either one of you right now. Maybe respite or hospice or getting the family to rorate care duties (GT feeds really should not be all that hard, some people give themselves their own if they physically can) is part of the answer, and maybe a little fortified eggnog, your by mouth and Mom's by tube, after a little excursion to get your hail and nails done, is part of the answer. I sense, if not depression, at least a severe case of fun deficiency all around, and hope there is a way for you both to find a little happiness and pleasure despite the circumstances.

Irishboy: when I was young my parents taught me that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. You need to take that advice. You are being a jerk. This person is in a very difficult situation trying their best to care for someone who is rapidly deteriorating and needing a great deal of care. The situation is severe in as much as the parent has a PEG tube in, which requires a trained nurse to care for, can not talk, falls a lot and is going to get worse. You do not know how difficult a situation like this is until you have walked a mile in the other person's shoes. IMHO, this is close to an emergency situation. The mother needs to be moved into a nursing facility ASAP. Social workers and doctors need to get involved to determine the best possible place for her and that is not in here home with someone with no medical training. It isn't just that some of the medical stuff is gross, though it can be, but that if you don't kno what you are doing, you can do a great deal of harm. That is why nursing facilities with trained nurses and doctors exist because some situations require people with that training to care for the person correctly and to notice signs of problems, such as infections, that untrained people would miss.

I'm glad you are able to deal with your situation. This situation, as described, is not one that should be dealt with by non-medical professionals. At a minimum, in-home nurses should be brought in, but it really sounds like this woman needs help 24/7 and that is usually best dealt with in a nursing facility.

Please have some compassion on others in difficult circumstances and restrict your comments to those that are helpful, and leave out the bashing.

Not quite sure how knocking someone down is being helpful. Having a side job is great, especially when you like it. Sometimes people need a few extra dollars to pay their bills. A job can also be a great escape, so to speak.
Not everyone acting as caregiver is in a happy, always upbeat mood. Would be nice if we were. People on these sites need a little support sometimes. Some need to know they are not alone in their burdens, in their feelings, in their lives.

Always learning, someone coming on here and whining about having to give up a part time job that was for fun on a caregiving board. It is like the guy who has no shoes complaining to the guy who has no feet.

While it is good for the OP to recognize that caregiving isn't for them, their comments also show some very self absorbed behavior.

Most of us on here don't have medical backgrounds, I for one had a very weak stomach when it came to stuff like that, but I learned to deal with it. Now I had wonderful parents, that makes a difference.

Not faulting the OP for not wanting to deal with her difficult mother, that's fine, but her snarky medical comments and thinking that having to give up a part time position when others on here have given up so much more comes off as self absorbed IMO.

Lots of good answers, other than the ones beating up on you. All this has happened in the past year, it can be overwhelming. My husbands decline was slow, and still it was very hard for me. I agree... the full responsibility should not be on your shoulders. NOT everyone is equipped to be a caregiver, I fully understand that. Your mom sure needs help of some kind, it's too bad the other children couldn't at least offer some kind of support..... emotional, financial, etc. I wish you the very best.

Thank you for caring enough about your mother to be completely honest. You need to summon a few more weeks or months of involvement, to be sure the state has taken over for you, and perhaps to make sure none of your sibs wants that duty (the state might contact the sibs & save you the trouble). As far as getting things rolling sooner, if she does fall anytime soon, bring her to ER to be checked and (sounds cruel) just leave her there, tell the front desk you simply cannot be responsible for her, and leave. That is just being honest and its the quicker way for your mom to receive the care she really needs.

I think there's plenty of useful advice to act on above, I just wanted to make an observation. Your mother moved near to you (I assume it wasn't your idea - did she even consult you?). She became ill. She did not give you POA or make any other moves to appoint you as her caregiver. And yet you conclude by asking how you get out the responsibility legally.

I'm not at all sure that you ever had that responsibility. If you accepted it, it was tacitly, by doing things that needed doing. I'm not sure what kind of legally recognised onus that places on you. But isn't it interesting that *you* feel responsible for her, whether or not the law agrees? I think that makes you a pretty good daughter, whatever kind of mother your mother was.

Never mind getting out of it legally, just get out of it by the shortest route that allows you to know that your mother will be ok without your involvement. Best of luck, and hugs.

It sure ain't helpful to be making judgements about people (I'm talking to you, Irishboy). And in any case, that's not the heart of the matter. The heart of the matter is that the mother here is past living alone. It's pretty cut-and-dried, actually. Onlyoneholly has it right.

It sounds like your mother could have suffered a "TIA" a.k.a.Transient Ischemic Attack. I've been in your shoes-half a year out of state! Had to live there as she of course refused to live with me and couldn't live alone any longer (although she fought tool and nail that she could). My mother treated the stranger on the street better than her caregiver (me). It was as if I was the proverbial "chopped liver." You will have to get relief either from an agency or social worker else you will have a breakdown. I feel for you. Prayers coming to you.... I would also suggest that you get some meds for yourself-possibly diazepam for when you have those nights like you feel as though you just can't take it any more. Talk to a doctor who can help you through your feelings of anger/resentment and otherwise. And bear in mind, (even though it's easier said than done) that every adult child goes through this should their parents live that long.

Chinchilla
She needs to be "placed" and as soon as possible. An ALF (at least here in Fl) won't be able to facilitate her needs. She needs to be in a nursing home. By all means get that POA if at all possible. Don't know what assets she has but if she can afford private pay u can get her better accommodations. Contact your local agency on ageing. You're already stressed to the max and prolonging this situation will endanger your health to where you can't care for her anymore. The hardest thing I've ever done is to have had to acknowledge that I could no longer care for my partner (I'm disabled also) and she's now in an ALF but they really can't properly care for her but it's better than a nursing home for now. Picking a facility is a chore. You have to go there and spend some time. Go unannounced and get a tour; and just stroll around and observe. BTW they don't like fall risks. You're not being selfish or mean you're just not able to do it anymore by yourself. It's only a question of time, especially with the falls. Dangerous. I have been where u are and understand......and know. Hugs and prayers to you. You have a right to a life.

I think your mother should be in an assistant living place. Does she have SS? That should help pay for it. All the kids should chip in regardless of how they feel about her. She is their mother, good or bad one.

You can get a pre-printed POA at Office Depot if she is able to sign her name. There are traveling notaries that can witness the signature. Be sure to get both medical and financial POA's. She needs to choose one of her children to execute the POA's.

She should be in a nursing home with a PEG tube in. The hospital where my mother-in-law was told us that they would refuse to release her to any place but a skilled nursing unit if she had a PEG tube placed after she failed a swallow test. In the end we had her on hospice, which is something you should consider looking into as well.

Also, she can not talk or walk by herself without falling sometimes and therefore is a danger to herself. She needs more care than you can give her. Do not under any circumstances allow her condition to swallow up your life. It will take over and you will find you have no life left. You have already given up a job you loved and are resentful. Time to change the situation before she takes you down with her. I know this may sound heartless, but I see no reason to destroy the caregiver's life for no really good reason, especially since she really needs medical care that you can not give. Her condition is degenerative, meaning it is going to keep getting worse. She actually will be better off in a nursing home where her medical needs will be met better.

Whatever money she has should go toward her care and medical expenses. You should not be having to pay for her stuff. If she is or becomes destitute, you can apply for Medicaid. Many skilled nursing homes will take Medicare and she will be cared for just as if she is a self-pay. Start looking around and asking which is the best nursing home in your area. Then start taking steps to getting her in there so that trained nurses and doctors can be caring for her.

One warning, though, is that they will often try to drug and elderly person, especially if they are not easy to deal with. They gave my MIL Ambien with out the family's knowledge or consent because she did not go to sleep at 8:00 p.m. like they wanted her to do, and they put my father on Haldol because he stayed up late. He was always a night owl, but they labeled him as having "Sundowner's" and started drugging him for their convenience.

So always be sure you know what drugs are being given and why. You can google the drug and find out more about it if they don't give you satisfactory answers.

Contact your local agency on aging, and your local Alzheimer's association. I found that the Alzheimer's association was a huge help to us, even though my MIL did not have Alzheimer's, but another form of dementia. If you suspect there is a dementia like involved, she should have a neurological exam. If she goes to the emergency room for any reason, talk to the ER doctor about having her be transferred to a nursing home upon discharge, as her own home is not a safe discharge. The hospital can not discharge her to someplace unsafe for her and here home is unsafe, unless she is willing to hire 24 hour a day nurses to care for her, which is insanely expensive.

Go, now and contact your local Alzheimer's association (look it up at ALZ.org) and your local agency on aging. Get info. And get her to a nursing home. They can help you figure out how she's can pay for it.

Well if she is that bad, do as others have suggested and get her set up with paid caregivers.

On a side note, many on here have had to give up more than a "side job" that you loved to do caregiving. I am suspecting while your mother may not be a nice person, you're on the self absorbed side yourself.

No caregivers (or most caregivers) aren't in the medical field either.

Get her doctor to order some health care for her in the home, and the agency that is chosen will have a care manager to schedule everything. Make your wishes known and if they need to contact family, have your sister contacted. Healthcare and caregiving are not for everyone and given your feelings about your mother just tell her you can no longer care for her the way she needs.
Your mental well-being is just as important, so don't beat yourself up over this and wish her the best. Merry Christmas!

Wow - so the woman had 7 kids and not one cares enough, loves her enough or has enough compassion to want to help care for her. I am not blaming any of you, she must be a real piece of work to have created 7 people, none of which care for her....how sad for you all.

Take the advice above and get her set up in a care facility.

Simple Answer: Just stop.
If your conscience won't let you the you need to have a knock-down-drag-out family conference and lay down the facts. Spell out the responsibilities and demand support.
You don't say whether your sibs are local or distant and that will of course make a lot of difference. But Honey, someone has decided to let you be the goat and you have accepted it. It's up to you whether you continue.

Chinchilla -- you have stated many good reasons for not caregiving. Your mother's condition has deteriorated rapidly. You need to have the docs provide a "report" ASAP, talk round-table with your sibs and an attorney, and determine who might be a POA (long-distance is ok). If not one sib will do this then you coordinate through the courts to have a guardian appointed. You mom needs care because she cannot do 2 ADL (activities of daily living) without assistance. You and sibs will likely have to relinquish all rights to inheriting anything because it will be assigned to the state care agency, but some of your comments lead me to believe you would not mind that. Decide before you get trapped. Believe me. It will be better for both of you. I cannot fathom how the docs can just diagnose and then leave it in your lap -- is this what happened?

I think that you need to contact the department on aging or social services and have a social worker go over and evaluate the situation. Since you don't have POA and it does not sound like you will be able to get it, the state needs to become her guardian and see that she is safe and taken care of. Maybe others with have some more ideas.