I don’t get out very often but recently I’ve had to forgo my training program at the gym simply because my father said to me that he’s surprised that my husband lets me go to the gym 4 times a week. I was furious. He still thinks women should be obedient and in the kitchen and not be allowed too much freedom in a marriage. I told him to mind his own business. My husband has no problem with me going anywhere, we have a happy unentitled marriage. He goes and does stuff he likes and so did I up to now. I cancelled my gym membership to shut my father up whingeing about my life choices. I’ve put on a lot of weight and he’s says “ but you used to look great when you had weight off.” I smoked 50 a day and hardly ate. Of course I was skinny. I have hypothyroidism which I was born with, which doesn’t help with weight loss. He just won’t shut his big Yap!!! Opinions about how my husband and I do things in our house. Sorry to vent
Why is your father living with you? How did that come to happen? Do you have siblings? Was there any kind of family decision made? What kind of caregiving do you do for him? Is he paying anything to live with you? He should be.
You need that gym membership for stress management. Time for your father to move elsewhere.
What is his financial situation? Are you POA? HCPOA?
i understand your anger. it's terrible to be the target of manipulative people/parents.
some people (in particular parents, family members...) have such POWER over us.
example:
--your father managed to get you to stop the gym membership.
--he succeeds at getting you angry, unhappy.
don't let them have that POWER over you.
don't let anyone have POWER over you.
you decide you.
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dear angryannie --- the thing is, there is no formula against manipulation/controlling people.
i mean, let me specify:
things that help:
1. be aware that it's manipulative, controlling. it's intentional, to get you to do something, or refrain from doing something, or to provoke you to feel angry/sad/upset/all negative emotions.
2. ok, now that you're aware it's intentional, what to do?
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by the way, some elderly parents want to destroy their adult child (normally ONE victim: the nice child)...they want to destroy their adult child/target as much as possible, before they die.
now that you know THAT, what to do?
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protect your life from getting destroyed.
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how?
the thing is ---- for example: evil people study ways how to torture people. what are the ways?
--manipulating
--controlling
--sudden, intentional outbursts/rage
--criticism
--breaking your self-confidence...etc.
the point is: all these techniques WORK.
it WILL harm you.
people will mention:
"grey rock"; imagine your body/mind has an armor (let the words bounce off you) ---
the reality is:
all this negative stuff WILL harm you.
the only way really is not to hear it.
(unless you can develop a superhuman ability not to be affected. but no human being has done that so far.) (exception: the more evil you are, the less you are affected by other people's evil behavior).
(if you're kind, of course you'll be affected).
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if you would spend a few days, NOT HEARING A SINGLE BAD WORD FROM YOUR FATHER, you would suddenly feel a mountain lifted from your shoulders, suddenly you would notice the sunshine outside, suddenly your day will actually be quite nice.
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the point is, this bad behavior works -- it'll get you down. they're trying to break you.
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the only solution i know against that, is to be unavailable.
not there.
take a break.
physically don't be present (remove your body). be in a different room, whatever, so that for a few days, you don't hear a single bad word.
you can tell him you have an ear infection -- you need to wear earplugs for a few days.
none of these solutions probably work, because i bet you need to hear/talk with him daily to help out with his physical ailments. and while you're helping, he uses it as an OPPORTUNITY to inject bad, hurtful words. for them, every interaction, is seen as a wonderful OPPORTUNITY to abuse.
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hug!!!
it's really hard.
the point is:
these abusive people will NEVER stop targeting you.
it's too much fun for them. they are NOT sorry. they enjoy it.
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definitely go back to the gym. obviously your father isn't thinking about what's in your best interests.
of course you should go back to training.
healthy body = healthy mind, and vice versa.
"mens sana in corpore sano" (a healthy mind in a healthy body).
"dear angryannie, bring me back to the gym. sincerely, your body."
:)
Look into adult day care for your dad.
ALF are a good choice for temporary or permanent placement while the POA sorts out his marriage.
I am sure you love your siblings but it isn’t your responsibility to care for dad in order for them to inherit! You are giving up your health for their financial gain.
If that is their motivation for keeping him in your home, start charging enough until they no longer see you as a solution.
Angryannie, it will be easier to get him out of your home than to change him. He no doubt thinks he is helping you. Salvage what relationship you have with him and get him placed.
I am HEARTBROKEN for you that you decided to stop going to gym because of your current situation. My ONE SINGLE RESPITE while my mother lived with me for 9 agonizing months, wasp.aping my violin.
And in spite of the fact that she actually LOVED to hear me play, she’d torment me in her horrible state of cognitive loss, to stop playing so that she wouldn’t lose a single minute of the 24 hours/day of the time she consumed from me.
In our case, I loved her dearly, and wanted her to be with me after surgery for her broken hip.
I could not trust her alone FOR A SINGLE SECOND, so I “slept” on an air mattress on the floor beside her bed for months, and quickly gained 60 pounds (you and I are “sisters”)-
PLEASE VENT- you NEED TO- YOUR FATHER NEEDS, FOR HIS WELFARE AND YOURS, TO BE PLACED!
OR, said a different way, YOU need to plan QUICKLY to make clear to your delightful siblings, that as of (whatever date you choose), you will NO LONGER be ABLE to provide for him.
The day of your birth was NOT the day you signed a promise that it would be you, however many years forward, would take up the yoke of his care. And it is you that must now SLIP OFF THAT YOKE.
Will your siblings be mad? SURE THING. But you will once again be able to enjoy a pleasant peaceful life, AND YOU DESERVE IT. And if your relationship was ever a sound family one, you will be able to restore it, after you are FREE!
.
After 9 months, I realized that my mother’s dementia had caused her to require a degree of care I COULD NOT and WOULD NOT PROVIDE, and foun a great residential care site, where she lived a beautiful life for over 5 years before she died, a few days short of age 95.
RECLAIM WHAT IS YOURS! YOU AND YOUR DH DESERVE IT! HUGS!
BUT look up the term "people pleaser."
Why on earth do you care about your siblings inheritance? Time to place dad.
So dad says insulting things about your agency as a married women?
So? So what?
"Welcome to my marriage, Dad".
"Women don't kowtow to men anymore, dad."
"Surprised? I can't imagine thinking that way."
You don't have to say these things, they're provoking and he has dementia, yes? But think them as you proceed to the gym.
You're an adult, and what your father thinks about your behavior is no longer of interest.
You don't "have to" do things just because others want you to.
more replies. As I said , my siblings have control over my fathers estate, not me. Now I appreciate that you’re here to give heartfelt advice to those who are willing to change their situation. Maybe they can deal with your abrasive approach, I can’t and won’t. I have no goddamned choice if your high intellect can handle this concept. I’m trapped. Goodbye
to make matters worse, very often the kind daughter is the target of abuse by an elderly parent (until they die). years of abuse. (AND HOW MANY YEARS OF RECOVERY NEEDED?)
it's really common.
:(
even while trapped, dear OP, try to find some way to make your life blossom (whatever the word "blossom" means to you). just as an example:
like you, in my family we'll keep our elderly LOs home (no facility). only if reeeeeeally necessary, we'll use a facility (just 1 example: if LO in the future gets dementia and is violent).
in my case, the word "blossom" means...trying to stay away from abusive words.
...once you hear the words, you need TIME to recover. then you get abused again, then you need to recover again, etc., etc...never ends.
...so i try to - prevent - the words from even reaching my ears.
but my plan doesn't work 100% of the time, because of course i need to communicate. anyway, that's what i try to do.
the word "blossom" for me, also means always remembering my dreams/goals and going for it. i'm working towards 1 of my dreams right now. :)
i wish you, and everyone, to realize their dreams/goals :).
An "estate" doesn't exist until someone dies. Are you saying that your siblings control dad's funds during is lifetime?
You don't have to be abrasive. You simply say that this arrangement no longer works for you. It needs to be changed as of July 1.
Are you being treated for depression?
Depression is often anger turned inward. It is a treatable condition, often best done with both meds and talk therapy, both in the short term.
i just want to say to angryannie:
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a**holes."
dear angryannie :),
i just want to add again, abuse people NEVER stop. this will not end. they abuse/want to destroy you as much as they can, until they die.
the only thing that helps a little, is to have another person present (they behave slightly better when someone from OUTSIDE THE FAMILY is present). but of course, you can't have a visitor there all the time.
you'll continue to be the target. TRUTH.
hug!!
i'm under a rock too. let's both crawl out from under the rock. (whatever that metaphor means for you). i wish/hope earplugs could work for you, to block out nasty words.
or mayyybe try reward/punishment (this does not work with really abusive people)...example:
"Dear Dad, if you succeed at spending the WHOLE day today, not saying a single negative thing, I will give you X as a reward. Your favorite meal, etc., an excursion to Y..."
"Dear Dad, I've decided on a new system. From now on you must pay me money for every negative thing you say. You get a fine. Every time you say a negative sentence, you must pay $20 into this jar. I get to keep the money. Let's start. Did you just say something negative? OK, $20. Did you just say another negative thing? Another $20."
You are a grown woman, you don't have to be obedient to your dad. Put your big girl panties on and tell him he is welcome to move into a facility but, telling you what to do ended decades ago, you aren't his wife.
size 22.
It is vibrations in the body. Warning us that anger is brewing. Lean in. Listen.
You feel frustrated about missing the gym? Fair enough.
Can I ask what business it is of your Father's what you do with your spare time? A book club, adult education, gym membership, whatever?
Do you feel judged by him?
Are females allowed to be 'sporty'? in your culture/background?
Your Father is acting like you are his wife in 1950.
Even then I am sure he would be told where to park his opinions.
"Hey Dad, I am off to the gym. See you later".
That is the only polite reply I can think of.
Sorry, you've lost me. Why, how would *anything* that your father said make you stop going to the gym?
Stop blaming your father for your reactions to what he says. Ignore him, and please yourself (and your husband, who sounds a lamb).
But for heaven's sake don't waste any breath on arguing with your father, either! Seriously. It doesn't *matter* what he says - can his words lock the front door or hide your trainers? No. They can't.
I am hoping your father doesn't live with you, because knowing what you know about him that would have been poor decision-making on your part. Like inviting the fox into the henhouse.
This forum consists of helpful people, No harm or judgement. You are not alone, many posts from caregivers contain stories of abuse, control. We need ideas about good survival skills.
You are a grown woman, married, with a house. And a good brain.
Your father made a "comment"
and you cancelled a gym member ship that you obviously need for your health and mental wellbeing - since you mentioned that you have gained weight
why? - to shut him up? He won't - you mention he keeps making comments about your life choices. Now you are resentful.
Someone has to be angry in this situation - why does it have to be you? No one is going to make any changes FOR you - YOU have to do it.
Why not rejoin the gym, ignore your father's comments, and work off steam and regain health at the gym? He is going to comment about something - so quitting gym only upset YOU, not him. Comments are just that - you can internalize them and get upset or you can ignore them and do what you want anyway, realizing that the old bastard is going to comment regardless.
You seem to want to be a martyr - why not turf him out of your house? You don't want to fight your siblings - then have your husband be the bad guy "we've had dad live with us for X time, my husband has had enough, will one of you take him or do we need to look for a facility"
If you need help see a therapist - it helped my DH and me stand up to bull-dozer parents on both sides. We learned to stand up for ourselves, politely. When they started in on us - comments - because after all - they can't do anything else and we didn't want to go there - politely "i love you, gotta go" and leave the room , hangup, whatever.
You are the only one who can change this - and yet you seem to prefer to stew and be resentful vs helping yourself. I hope this will change - you deserve better. And by the way - your siblings and your dad obviously do not appreciate your sacrifice.
If you and your husband are okay with what you both do, that's all that matters. It's none of your dads business! If he lives with you, get him out pdq! How dare he !
Obviously you are insecure around him or you'd be telling him what I just told you. I can only imagine what else you have bowed down to him with. You need to grow a back bone! Pdq.
You aren't a woman in your dad's life. You are your husband's woman and he needs to stand up for you.
put my father into care, in
the unlikely event that he pays back my father the full amount.
I recommend abuse as a quick and easy response to your father’s comments. Eff off. Get lost. Keep quiet, you stupid old git. Practice until the words come naturally. Start by whispering, if you like. If father is ‘hurt’, tell him that words can’t hurt, and he has a lot of practice himself with hurtful words.
Abuse is a painless way to stick up for yourself. You may find that it’s empowering. Good luck!
You have no legal obligation (at least where I live) to provide housing or care for your parent, especially an abusive one.
You can start eviction proceedings.
You can stop providing him with meals, stop doing his laundry and simply pretend he's not there, if you choose.
The thing is, you DO have choices here.
They may be hard, unpleasant or not consonant with the way you've been trained and groomed to be. But you can change.
Start by going back to the gym.
Back to the gym. YES.
A long journey starts with the first step. Can be on the treadmill 👟👟
I'm beginning to think the sibling problem is even bigger than the father problem.
I don't wish to diminish the damage that Dad's sexist & downputting style has caused (& is still causing) - but maybe the issue to tackle is less on Dad.
Less on changing Dad's behaviour & more on how how to move him out.
Does Dad HAVE to live in?
Answer was yes but why?
Coz the a sibling/siblings control Dad's purse strings.
Angryannie, tell us more about your siblings: who does have financial authority? All sibs or just Brother?
cant think of any reason other than I’ve been taken advantage of in looking after my father as they consider me to be the best one to look after him. So I’ve decided now to grey rock the old bastard. interact as little as possible. The thing is in all honesty, I’m the only who doesn’t care about his money. How much money can buy freedom, happiness and a peaceful life.?
Use the money to pay for therapy and a pair of high quality noise cancelling headphones to wear at home.
I would not lift a finger for him.
Has he always been self-absorbed and critical of you, or is this a shift since his diagnosis?
Your brother is POA; does he realize that taking money from dad likely violates the terms of his POA?
Has anyone requested a professional "needs assessment " to determine dad's actual level of care needs?
By repeating yourself you stop further discussion.
Some of how your dad is behaving must be due to his dementia. Their filters are often gone.
Try not to let him get to you. Don't argue. Don't get mad (hard, I know).
Get back to the gym and you will feel better, mentally and physically, and be better able to deal with him.
Can he be alone? If not, hire someone to cook and clean while you're gone. He should pay for this, as it is really for him.
Best of luck!
Well actually as priority A), I'd regain that gym membership - for health & stress relief.
Next, choose from;
B). Decision: Dad stays or goes.
Have a good chat to DH & discuss what is best for YOUR household.
Dad needs housing (fact).
You have to house him (this is fake news).
Either way, obtaining that needs assessment should add more truth to the picture. Show what level of care Dad currently needs, either at home or in a new home.
B. The Hard Chat: with POA siblings. Take DH for moral support. This is to discuss Dad's care needs going forward. Bring the needs assessment (fact).
Then discuss how much each sibling can do, contribute. Two are getting divorced so at a turbulent time & unable to offer housing (ok, facts). This means Annie has to take Dad (nope, this is fake news).
0r swap it around & have the hard chat with sibs first.
Explain the simple truth: You all get a say. Even if all your siblings, aunts, neighbour's & distant cousins think oh Annie should take Dad... YOU also get a say!
If it doesn't work for you - then it doesn't & it's NO DEAL.
Homework: please google F.O.G. Fear, Obligation, Guilt.
The fog may be think, but the sun can come out ☀️☀️☀️
very apologetic. I know you can’t reason with a narcissist especially if they’ve got dementia, but basically I told him that he had to mind his own business regarding DL and myself. He said he’d try to. Anyway, the upside is I’ll probably be starting back at the gym next week. All this bloody stress about nothing.