I don’t get out very often but recently I’ve had to forgo my training program at the gym simply because my father said to me that he’s surprised that my husband lets me go to the gym 4 times a week. I was furious. He still thinks women should be obedient and in the kitchen and not be allowed too much freedom in a marriage. I told him to mind his own business. My husband has no problem with me going anywhere, we have a happy unentitled marriage. He goes and does stuff he likes and so did I up to now. I cancelled my gym membership to shut my father up whingeing about my life choices. I’ve put on a lot of weight and he’s says “ but you used to look great when you had weight off.” I smoked 50 a day and hardly ate. Of course I was skinny. I have hypothyroidism which I was born with, which doesn’t help with weight loss. He just won’t shut his big Yap!!! Opinions about how my husband and I do things in our house. Sorry to vent
I am HEARTBROKEN for you that you decided to stop going to gym because of your current situation. My ONE SINGLE RESPITE while my mother lived with me for 9 agonizing months, wasp.aping my violin.
And in spite of the fact that she actually LOVED to hear me play, she’d torment me in her horrible state of cognitive loss, to stop playing so that she wouldn’t lose a single minute of the 24 hours/day of the time she consumed from me.
In our case, I loved her dearly, and wanted her to be with me after surgery for her broken hip.
I could not trust her alone FOR A SINGLE SECOND, so I “slept” on an air mattress on the floor beside her bed for months, and quickly gained 60 pounds (you and I are “sisters”)-
PLEASE VENT- you NEED TO- YOUR FATHER NEEDS, FOR HIS WELFARE AND YOURS, TO BE PLACED!
OR, said a different way, YOU need to plan QUICKLY to make clear to your delightful siblings, that as of (whatever date you choose), you will NO LONGER be ABLE to provide for him.
The day of your birth was NOT the day you signed a promise that it would be you, however many years forward, would take up the yoke of his care. And it is you that must now SLIP OFF THAT YOKE.
Will your siblings be mad? SURE THING. But you will once again be able to enjoy a pleasant peaceful life, AND YOU DESERVE IT. And if your relationship was ever a sound family one, you will be able to restore it, after you are FREE!
.
After 9 months, I realized that my mother’s dementia had caused her to require a degree of care I COULD NOT and WOULD NOT PROVIDE, and foun a great residential care site, where she lived a beautiful life for over 5 years before she died, a few days short of age 95.
RECLAIM WHAT IS YOURS! YOU AND YOUR DH DESERVE IT! HUGS!
Look into adult day care for your dad.
ALF are a good choice for temporary or permanent placement while the POA sorts out his marriage.
I am sure you love your siblings but it isn’t your responsibility to care for dad in order for them to inherit! You are giving up your health for their financial gain.
If that is their motivation for keeping him in your home, start charging enough until they no longer see you as a solution.
Angryannie, it will be easier to get him out of your home than to change him. He no doubt thinks he is helping you. Salvage what relationship you have with him and get him placed.
i understand your anger. it's terrible to be the target of manipulative people/parents.
some people (in particular parents, family members...) have such POWER over us.
example:
--your father managed to get you to stop the gym membership.
--he succeeds at getting you angry, unhappy.
don't let them have that POWER over you.
don't let anyone have POWER over you.
you decide you.
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dear angryannie --- the thing is, there is no formula against manipulation/controlling people.
i mean, let me specify:
things that help:
1. be aware that it's manipulative, controlling. it's intentional, to get you to do something, or refrain from doing something, or to provoke you to feel angry/sad/upset/all negative emotions.
2. ok, now that you're aware it's intentional, what to do?
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by the way, some elderly parents want to destroy their adult child (normally ONE victim: the nice child)...they want to destroy their adult child/target as much as possible, before they die.
now that you know THAT, what to do?
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protect your life from getting destroyed.
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how?
the thing is ---- for example: evil people study ways how to torture people. what are the ways?
--manipulating
--controlling
--sudden, intentional outbursts/rage
--criticism
--breaking your self-confidence...etc.
the point is: all these techniques WORK.
it WILL harm you.
people will mention:
"grey rock"; imagine your body/mind has an armor (let the words bounce off you) ---
the reality is:
all this negative stuff WILL harm you.
the only way really is not to hear it.
(unless you can develop a superhuman ability not to be affected. but no human being has done that so far.) (exception: the more evil you are, the less you are affected by other people's evil behavior).
(if you're kind, of course you'll be affected).
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if you would spend a few days, NOT HEARING A SINGLE BAD WORD FROM YOUR FATHER, you would suddenly feel a mountain lifted from your shoulders, suddenly you would notice the sunshine outside, suddenly your day will actually be quite nice.
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the point is, this bad behavior works -- it'll get you down. they're trying to break you.
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the only solution i know against that, is to be unavailable.
not there.
take a break.
physically don't be present (remove your body). be in a different room, whatever, so that for a few days, you don't hear a single bad word.
you can tell him you have an ear infection -- you need to wear earplugs for a few days.
none of these solutions probably work, because i bet you need to hear/talk with him daily to help out with his physical ailments. and while you're helping, he uses it as an OPPORTUNITY to inject bad, hurtful words. for them, every interaction, is seen as a wonderful OPPORTUNITY to abuse.
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hug!!!
it's really hard.
the point is:
these abusive people will NEVER stop targeting you.
it's too much fun for them. they are NOT sorry. they enjoy it.
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definitely go back to the gym. obviously your father isn't thinking about what's in your best interests.
of course you should go back to training.
healthy body = healthy mind, and vice versa.
"mens sana in corpore sano" (a healthy mind in a healthy body).
"dear angryannie, bring me back to the gym. sincerely, your body."
:)
Why is your father living with you? How did that come to happen? Do you have siblings? Was there any kind of family decision made? What kind of caregiving do you do for him? Is he paying anything to live with you? He should be.
You need that gym membership for stress management. Time for your father to move elsewhere.
What is his financial situation? Are you POA? HCPOA?