How do I stop worrying and grieving?

Saying this because I lived it: Your mother's "independence" is contingent on you co-living her life. Therefore she is not independent. Despite what she tells herself; despite what she tells others; despite that her housing is named Independent Living.

Not sure how social mom is, but she can probably pull herself together for limited chit-chat with people who.....are not you. Puts on hrr best face and recites some version of "I do just fine. Dear Daughter checks in in me." Mom's audience validates this myth. And on it goes.

This is an unfair amount of pressure on you. And mom's generation expects full servitude from an adult child. Part cultural, and part delusion.

Delusion #1 -- "That's what we did for our elders." Yes...."we" being an army of homemakers. Not working women.

Delusion #2 -- Back in mom's time, most elders did not drag through a multi-decade decline like today's elderly. Back in mom's day, any ONE of these was the express-route to "the end:" high BP, high cholesterol, stroke, a heart condition or cancer. the express-route to "the end." Now any and all are managed conditions. A long way of saying that Mom might have taken care of someone for 6 months....not 6 years or 16 years.

Delusion #3 -- Dementia or not, many of today's elderly have (figuatively) develped severe myopia. They cannot or will not acknowledge that whatever you are doing for them......is not getting done at your house. I'd spend hours paying mom's bills, then barely have 10 minutes to slap-dash through my own finances. After spending a Saturday raking mom's leaves, I'd groan at the thought of spending Sunday raking my own. Ditto manging mom's kitchen, gift-shopping, Christmas cards, the beat goes on.

It's great that you are seeking support for depression. Keep it up. The constant worry is a separate -- but concomitant -- issue. And it has the potential to eat you alive. Make sure you full picture with your therapist; not just "dad died and mom's all alone."

Instead of visiting mom every day, could you give her a good chunk (say...7a to 1p) two days a week? Or something like that? Tell mom to keep a running list. Then call her and the night before, to review what she needs during your scheduled visit. (Emphasis on "scheduled!")

And is there any way you can warm up mom to the idea of Assisted Living? Talk up the idea of meals/laundry/light housekeeping taken care of. Stress that you would not abandon her -- but you would visit regularly to chat and catch up..... take her to her fave restaurant or ice cream joint.... leisure shopping (not groceries!)..... take mom on day trips to see the lilacs in the spring, the lake in the summer, the colorful leaves in autumn.... yada yada.

Heck, tell mom you're previewing AL or Continuing Care Campuses for YOURSELF for YOUR next decade. And insist that mom accompany you on the visits, because you want her opinion your options. Maybe something will spark with mom, and she'll see the benefit for herself. If nothing, mom will see that these residences are not the warehouse/asylum-style old folks' homes of yesteryear. Far from it.

Keep combing this forum for ideas and support. Listen to your dread and despair, because it's trying to tell you something. The "mom care" can't be all you. It just can't. Research options for county/community/church-based home services (and transportation) for the elderly.

Set your limits now, so you don't turn into the frog in the pot of water that slowly but steadily gets hotter. If bathing or toileting or foot care or feeding mom is not for you, that's OK. Own it. Own it NOW.

Being a logistical caregiver -- marshalling resources for mom -- is still caregiving. Don't let anyone try to convince you otherwise. And ohhhh, people will. Same goes for the crushing pressure to bring mom to your house or move n with her. If that's not for you, that's fine. (Again, search this forum for accounts of the highs and lows of that game-changing life decision.)

You worked your whole life for this retirement. It is your investment and your reward. Don't destroy your pysche (and your health) by turning it all over to your mother. Make a clear-eyed evaluation of mom's "wants" vs mom's needs. Analyze the needs first. And again, no shame in outsourcing this or that. "Wants" fall into a different tier of decision-making. And the "wants" (hopefully) are an opportunity to choose some things you can do for mom that are mutually enjoyable -- and not merely transactional.

Best to you, Bloom. These are rough years. And draining. And sad, at times. Keep making the effort to not get lost in all this. Your well-being matters, too. So you need to live like your well-being matters. All day, every day. :-)

You don't.

Bloom, have you found meaningful ways to fill your days now that you have retired? Having a lot of time on your hands can equal extra time to worry, make sure you spend time doing things you enjoy and being around other people!

You say you are getting help with your depression. But are you getting help with your anxiety? I agree with Cmagnum, a good therapist can be an excellent guide through these uncharted waters.

I am also an only child so I can't pass the baton onto someone else to help out. Oh how I wished I would have found this website years ago, and learned how to set boundaries for my aging parents who were also in their 90's.

Thus we have to change our own lifestyle in order for our parent to continue with their own lifestyle. What is wrong with this picture?

By setting boundaries, if one's parent is still of clear mind, maybe it would be a wake-up call that they need someone to come in to help. Or maybe not. Once I started backing off, my parents still wouldn't hire caregivers or cleaning crews. At my age I couldn't maintain my own home and theirs, too.

Oh I lost of lot of sleep during those seven long years, and my health circled down the drain. Yet my parents were doing fine health wise and had no problems with sleeping.

Sadly it took a major medical crises for my Mom to leave her home and live in long-term-care. My Dad continued at the house but he wanted caregivers to help him. Eventually he moved to senior living and he wishes he would have moved long ago, he really enjoyed the place.

It is SO hard to see our parent's age and decline.You are a wonderful daughter to go and help her everyday and you are SO lucky to still have each other.Just try your best to stay in today and in that moment,take it one day at a time.Try to be strong for her.I know it's hard because I just lost mine.My prayers are with you.Take good care of yourself,Lu

This sounds like anticipatory grief to me which is normal. I think a therapist would be a good person to talk through these emotions and difficulty functioning as you described. This does not mean that you are weak. It just means that you sound stuck and could use some help to get unstuck.

You asked how not to worry. I always quote something Michael Fox said once when asked about his Parkinson's disease. "If you always focus on the worst case scenario, and it happens, you have lived it twice"

I used to imagine that when my Mom died that I would just fall apart, simply give up and eventually commit suicide. I'm not exaggerating. Well its been a year and a half since she died and I am still here. I miss her terribly. Some days the pain of her loss is so strong that it physically hurts, but I am still here. You'd be amazed at how strong you are. When my Mom started to disappear before my eyes I found reserves of strength I didn't know I had. You will be fine.

Yes, you WILL get through this, it's a window of time (we don't know how long the journey may last) that we choose to give to our parents and you will have comfort having no regrets for the many years after they're gone. Very difficult, yes!!! Worth it, yes!!! Precious invaluable time right now! !!!!!

Dear Bloomschool,

How are you doing now? Its so hard to think about our parents aging and needing more and more care. I hope you can find the right balance.

For myself, I wish I had asked for help sooner to manage my anxiety and anger about having to be my dad's primary caregiver. Since my dad's passing I have more regret and guilt then when he was alive. I know everything is 20/20 in hindsight.